Hello there. I feel the need to make another message as there is something I feel to get off my chest. And I feel this is the right place to say it with you guys after how we have talked around. Not sure where to start.
Well you guys remember my long message, the one where I said lots of things; but clearly it seems unfinished. Honestly I have no idea what I was going to say later and this message is not about it but something else.
As I said; I have an attraction to strong women; but this is not limited to female bodybuilders, it can be applied to athletic women and for this case; women who devote themselves seriously in the martial arts.
I am not talking about those women who just do martial arts as cardio; recreational training or are quite novice or with lesser grades/belts. I am talking about those women who are devoted, have hard earned experience; black belt degrees and seem they could beat me up.
Why is that? Honestly I do not know but guess for the same reason I like strong women in general. Now looking at the advice you people give me, that maybe I should rather look for a female companion somewhere else aside these fields. That is good advice; but for some reason I am drawn to such strong women, could it be some kind of inferiority complex from my behalf which somehow I like. Maybe, but my therapist does not believe this is the reason (in case you wonder and worry, I am currently in therapy to talk of these subjects and more with a professional but I won´t be seeing my doctor for about a month, hence the need why I am writing here).
Now, I do not even know how smart I am lol. Never had an I.Q. test though I wish I had. But like I said; back in my childhood my family did not let me do much exercise. This because I was diagnosed really young with asthma, and they believe doing too much exercise would rather harm me than doing good, struggling to breath. (Though my father was always reluctant to this; he was more macho and sort of disliked that).
So my mother (and to some extent, my grandmother) overprotected me and as she was a teacher, realized that my goal should be to just be sit; hit the books to study hard in order to get a good career in a desk job. Something that would not involve doing heavy duty labors, like her job or being a school administrative.
But like any child; I really loved to play around by jumping, kicking, dancing and such. I got reprimanded whenever I did any of that from saying that it would damage my health; to that it was a sin of parental disobedience. In parallels to what we saw in BSF* with the Bell kids in their childhood and youth; they were fat kids who decided muscles were answer; I was a fat kid where my family decided that studying hard in a formal education. Chris was nicknamed “Smelly” due to his sweat odor, and while I did not receive any nickname; my mom despised the odor of my sweat to the point of being disgusted by it.
Again with the like any child mantra; I was interested in martial arts. Loved to see my heroes do all those high kicks in the air being bad asses, and I wanted to be like them. Under the idea that martial arts would help me tap into some sort of mystic force which would raise my spiritual levels and again like any impressed kid believed the sense of being invincible.
My mother totally opposed to that; again under the argument that I would just take a pointless risk; would really not be invincible against someone with a gun and it did not help that a cousin of mine who took karate lessons as a kid, lost his two frontal teeth in a spar. (My father is more of the kind that leans towards a “western” style of fighting like boxing, since he seems oriental martial arts as fantasy flashy flashy moves).
Still I had my ever present interest in martial arts inside of me. Believed under the philosophy my mother said that things will come at their given time. And that I had to focus on my formal education for a steady future. Which is more important in this material world where we are taught the pen is mightier than the sword. But we do not get fit by lifting pens…
Oh I mentioned that I really do not know how smart I am and the I.Q. thing because I believe someone truly smart is someone like a nuclear scientist, quantum physicist, or someone that handles physics and mathematics; which are things I struggled with lol. I really can´t say what my current job is, but indeed is a steady one though not exactly a desk job but yes bureaucratic. I am not a politician lol, I hate politics and heck; right now lots of problems are going on at my work place due to inside politics when we should not even use them as part of our job. LOL sorry but I really do not want to give any clues as for where and what do I work for. Not only because it is not the subject I desire to deal with in these boards and for my privacy.
Anyway, back in college… actually I went to 2 different colleges to pursue 2 different degrees (but still related to my work area). Though I was not able to start in both colleges simultaneously; I missed the inscription date on one of them and only was able to study one career for my first college year. But back then, almost when the school year was about to end, I found out that there is actually a small place near my house were a small karate dojo opened up and decided to get some info and give it a try. Talked to the sensei and well… he was something. He was a young man, late 20’s early 30’s back then; and well he was neither mean nor strict; the only thing that bothered so far me is that they had no climate and had to leave the door open to get air and ventilation; it was a small place, but considering my health issues I asked what would happen on cold days, and he said it feels great to train being exposed to the freezing air. That left me uncomfortable but still was interested in at least trying.
Sadly despite being a young adult and at college, I still had to depend on my family for income. And they flat out decided to not support me on learning karate; that either it was that or study to get my second degree and by default it had to win the side which leans onto a formal education. I was hoping that being already and adult; they would let me do something like this, as maybe it was finally the right time… but nope.
Sometime later I returned to the sensei; asked for advice or training alternatives, and this is what got me from this guy. He said that I should be kicking and screaming towards my parents demanding for them to let me join the dojo. Something that to date has left me perplexed; this grown man was asking me an adult to throw a temper tantrum to my parents like if I was a spoiled brat asking for something I could not get, like a denied toy. Someone who supposedly is meant to teach discipline and maturity is asking me to do something which goes against given teachings.
Never saw the guy again; he moved onto some other place; a bit far from my house, barley passed by that new place until eventually he was no longer there. Not sure if he has kept on moving around the city, moved out of the city or just plain given up on having a dojo and teaching karate for a living. I say this as throughout the years, and around town I have seen several businesses close down; when it turns out they just move to another part of the city, though far from my usual reach and keep on doing it. And that somehow my mother is right in that it is a financial risk to have such jobs, as being a master arts sensei since it is not a steady job; but a risk. A gamble.
I really did not know that man much, but it still makes me wonder why he told me to act like that? And what if he only cared about money? I know about McDojos but have trouble identifying them. Well sadly for him, he did not get any money from me weather he had good intentions or not.
That was the most clear chance I have had in life to learn martial arts. There is this guy I know from college who is a kung fu master; but seeing him in college… the guy is a jock. Look; I already mentioned I was not able to know better the karate sensei, but most of the male high ranking martial arts masters I have known in my life, have been downright undisciplined jerks when they are meant to set the example. Some use the pretext that they have to be strict, but they even dish out their rhetoric at people who are not even their disciples. Hence a reason why I am not interested in being trained by people I have met and are like that. At times I believe that as I am a weakling I would not endure their discipline which I see as rhetoric. And would make it see as it is my own doings.
I am going to reference several times the post done by rams_lakers in this thread. You say you do not like to be friends with male bodybuilders due to their narcissistic attitudes. Can the same be said of high ranking male martial arts masters? As I rather see them narcissistic than disciplined.
But anyway; onto the point of this whole thing but it sure has taken a lot. I already mentioned I have a thing for strong martial artist women. I have found some escapes to admire them but prefer not to mention them here. As female bodybuilders; I see in them a sort of interest maybe since they are not women who want to follow established gender roles; but at the same time, I always felt I would not even have a chance with anyone like that. Diabetesman88 said that I should try to look for a female partner in another type of woman. And given my background, I have always felt that I would get along fine with a woman with similar interests as mine. An intellectual type of woman.
Sadly I have already tried that with no luck. At work, I had something for the lead doctor; but she was already engaged to someone else. And told a girl I knew from some time ago that I had a crush on her; and she only felt disgusted. Had to face reality. I know what you guys are thinking, the right one will come… all at its given time… as my mother said. Be patient, but from my experience patience has brought me nothing but wasting time. But now comes the main part.
A few years ago, I met this girl she was wonderful. Seemed nice and beautiful, she was quite smart too. Somewhat quiet but OK.
Then once I met someone was her mentor. She was a woman, somewhat older and my guess she had some military background looking at her and from what was about to happen. Maybe I was not of her liking and told this girl to show me what she has been taught.
The mentor all of the sudden tells me to adopt a defense pose; I do it and all of the sudden this nice young girl I was talking about launches at me a quick karate kick. I was able to block it, but still packed quite some power. I know one should not underestimate martial artists, and who knows if the energy channeling mystic stuff I mentioned earlier on is real or not; but man I had never ever experienced such power. I was knocked down but still with my arms in defense position. I had no idea of what happened, and it turned out this fragile looking girl has actually been practicing in karate since little and her mentor is her sensei, and this woman said that I should not worry; this girl can take care of herself if any man tries to do something funny with her. Noticed some sarcasm I usually notice on male martial arts masters. Not sure if she was referring to me…
Then the girl came, tried to help me up being nice and all; apologizing saying that it is OK I am not as strong as she is; she still cares for me and is far rather impressed with me trying to be a writer; being able to create things out of nothingness.
I was just like nice with her, saying heh heh thanks; but I felt something. Well many things.
Discovering she is a strong woman got me to place her from the intellectual woman position to the strong woman area; and of course she gave me that kind of interest… however this was the first time something like this happened to me. Of course she had no ill intentions but… she made me feel less of a man. She made me feel emasculated. She meant no bad wishes, but made me feel bad that she is stronger than me and still accepted me for being a weak pathetic writer. So if I had been strong; she would not accept me? (Shadows to rams_lakers post). She had no idea I actually tried to learn martial arts on my own, but I had no choice. I felt inferior of her; that I was not worthy of her… that she is too good for me and unreachable.
Gradually; I stopped seeing her. Not sure if she still lives in the city or not I felt she was too good for me and deserved a better man and felt it was better if we stopped seeing each other. Things were like that until recently and it is the main reason of my post.
No, it is not this girl but another one. Met her at a local convention. At first she looked like a normal cute girl, then for her cosplay performance she did some moves, it turns out she has been a long expert practitioner of Tae Kwon Do, this caught my interest. And it turns out she is also quite smart as she is an engineer and had high grades in her formal education. That was shocking as she basically did what I was not able to do, of course she makes me feel emasculated and unworthy of her. I do not know her personally, but my friends who are the organizers of these conventions around town do know her and in fact were the ones who presented her to me.
It is getting late, I will try to write more on this, but to sum it up. It is the same feeling, that I am not good enough for her. And gets me emasculated as she has better fighting moves than me. But, again considering what rams_lakers said… well I do notice somethings on her but I will post on it some other time. Good bye for now.
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Well I am back. Had a busy day, was able to walk the dog around the park. Usually I do it alone as he gets too energetic to control lol. But today he behaved. Anyway where was I?
OK, she does not know me; but she is friends to my friends who work organizing these conventions; so there is a chance I could at least talk with her. But makes me wonder if it is worth it?
She does cosplay and while she does characterizations of conservative looking characters; it is when she is dressed as sexualized characters like Zero Suit Samus and Harley Quinn that she does her taekwondo moves to add further sexualization… but then she regrets it.
What I am trying to say here is; that it seems she does all these things; cosplay and train hard in martial arts to get attention. But when she gets too much attention or that one she does not want (from men); she retracts.
This reminds me of what rams_lakers said. OK rams_lakers, you mentioned that female bodybuilders are narcissistic and want to be the center of attention. As if they have an athletic/male bodybuilder partner, they would lose the attention to them, under the belief that the male is the one behind the female´s success. Plus you say the possibility of them being lesbians.
Not sure if you would believe the same would apply to female martial artists, of course as I said in the start; not all but those who take it seriously. This girl takes it seriously to the point she says she loves it more than anything, to the point she kept on training after 3 terrible fractures.
I add the possibility of her being a lesbian as she does not seem to want the attention of men when wearing revealing costumes; and seems rather prefer the company of females.
Sorry I say too much on this; already tried speaking of this and related issues at 4chan but only got things worse and I do not even want to try Yahoo Answers; as things may go even worse. Yes, one could say I am obsessed with this girl; but I really do not want to come as some crazy stalker that is why I am trying to consider if it is even a good idea to try and talk to her.
Spoke to a friend on the subject; he knows my tastes in women and says that taekwondo girl is attracting me as she perfectly fits my profile of my perfect ideal woman. But I wonder if I am the right man for her? Part of this attraction is that I feel I am not worthy but at the same time is what makes me consider even having a friendship relation.
I really do not wish to say much on what happened at 4chan. But I will say that some did mention that maybe I like strong women because of their strength and dependability; even while training is not for everyone and most likely it does not suit me for being harsh.
As you may say, it is not late for me to train in some martial art; but I feel as I would be a rank lower than her; I am not worthy. Sure I could just do it for the exercise and health without thinking of the other thing but…
To date I wonder if did OK in placing a distance between karate girl and me; she was not bad but really felt uncomfortable after that. Yes I did talk at 4chan because of that, and they told me that she loved me because of my attitude, personality and morals despite not being physically strong as she is; and that I was a vain piece of *beep* for leaving her. Odd how they called me a piece of *beep* despite mentioning the possibility of morals being an attraction factor.
Not sure if she still lives in the city; maybe she left for Japan lol. Maybe she was not the problem but her mentor, probably hired not only by her parents to train her but also to keep moronic boyfriend suitors after her. And since my health is pathetic…
Sometimes I wonder if I had been athletic since young, I would not have these problems and would be easier for me to get in shape. Etika did say he no longer goes to the gym but used to hit it a lot when younger.
It is such a hassle; did not wish to talk about this as I am lazy to past links to sites I have been seeing about but this one was the first I got:
http://www.thefrisky.com/2009-12-30/dear-wendy-my-girlfriend-is-a-black-belt/
I feel the advice given to that young man is wrong. He seems to be in a similar situation; I would say that indeed if he feels unworthy of this girl; maybe it is for the best for him to leave her, as maybe the only man suitable for someone like her is another black belt expert. This woman Wendy says something similar as to what they told me at 4chan, that maybe black belt girl wanted him because he could see her feminine qualities. Then she compares it to cooking, which is something entirely different to martial arts training. You could simply cook food, but if you want to seriously get into culinary arts; all it takes is like 1 to 1.5 years in the schools at my town. Martial arts taken seriously and not just for recreational/cardio sports takes a lot longer. I have been trying to contact this Wendy person but she does not reply messages and erases those considered unworthy at her official blog.
I do not know, maybe it is just me. I really do not want to get too hanged out to gender roles; since I do believe women should do what they like and it is what gives them that attraction but…
Anyway, considering what rams_lakers said; not exactly the case of Karate Girl but with background on what I was told at 4chan on her and what Wendy said; could it be that strong woman who look for weak mean are not exactly doing it because they see feminine qualities in them but that they want to be the ones to stand out from the relationship? As mentioned, they can´t do this with someone athletic/strong for the point already mentioned and settle down with a beta. This does not rule out the possibility of being lesbians; and despite the times we live in; they do not dare to come out and/or do it for socio-economic reasons. Like advantages and perks they cannot have with a mate of their own gender.
I have this feeling on Taekwondo Girl fits in all of this, desires attention; dislikes men and could probably be a lesbian. It is rather hard to believe that someone so devoted in martial arts could have interests in s
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CountOroku01
7 years ago
sci-fi and fantasy; like video games. Maybe she has no idea and just cosplays to look good and desires to play out of that of a strong sexual female character in control of her sexuality. This is not an uncommon practice, there are women who do this usually to get notice and get from modeling jobs to being actresses but this last one is hard.
Guess since young I love fantasy and sci-fi for escapism as I had nothing better to do. Of course this has marked me as a social outcast more so with my father. Of course he also wanted for me to study hard, but at the same time; well he has always considered me less of a man for the way I turned out. He even thinks I am gay; even to the point that I am gay because I like to decorate around with bikini girls… honestly I do not understand. My father has never been athletic either; all he does is drink beer and smoke when doctors have told him to stop. Still nothing big has tolled on his health, but I wonder how long can this last?
Because of how it was hard for me to grow up with my father; I loathe alcoholic beverages and smoking products. I have never drank any beer yet I have a beer gut. Yeah, dad is more of the kind who likes to watch sports while drinking beer than slightly practice them. When young he complained I never went to a gym, now that I am an adult and am able to; I tell him why doesn´t he come with me and I would even pay his membership! He immediately backs away in disgust like if that is not for him… almost like he wants for me to do the exercise for him!
Oh forgot to mention; while I am not officially formed in any kind of eastern martial art; back in high school, we got the visit of a local boxer to teach us some moves. Of course I did learn some basic things but have a terrible foot work lol. Nowadays I use it as cardio boxing training and of course shadow boxing. Not exactly a competent boxer but just throw punches to lose the weight lol. Sad to hear, that fella who trained us died due to heavily hit the bottle… odd how he being an athlete and an example of health died by something my unathletic father has an affinity for and has not died of. Odd how my mother died of cancer young while she did not had an unhealthy lifestyle as my father; but still had her weight problems.
Speaking of which, maybe that is the reason I have an attraction for strong/martial artist females; is that they are nothing like my mother; who was fat and had her already mentioned personality. Since very young; I promised myself I would never marry someone like her; worse or even less worse; and I still have this feeling after her death! Guess I believe I would not find my mother´s features on a strong woman; while on a normal one, I fear they will awaken as time passes by. I was told by an older cousin that my father fell for my mother because he found her pretty. But most of my life I saw my mother as a bitter fat person, maybe she was nice and marrying my father changed her. Never saw a moment of romance between them; more like they are married and that is it. Like a compromise. Made me believe that romance is good while young and once you hit the wed; everything is gone. But maybe that is just me; sorry for bringing that up, haven´t told that to my therapist but hope there is time next session to talk about it. Where was I?
Look, I would like to train but out of curiosity; for cardio and health; but do not think have the time to compromise to it as Taekwondo Girl has. Doctors say that in my conditions (hiatal hernia, small thorax and undecipherable back pains); the heaviest recommended activity for me is swimming, martial arts are not suggested. Recently, despite I said most martial arts masters I have met are rather undisciplined and closed to suggestions; managed to talk to one at Youtube who does videos; and did said that if I felt the things I mentioned when doing heavy or complicated work outs; maybe martial arts are not proper for my health and am rather off with the cardio I am doing. But it is really irritating that in 8 years of cardio I do not notice much results, despite I also follow my diet and given up on snacks and sodas (to see if things work out better, my doctors have told me to stay away from bread, even whole grain one for 2 months and see if any changes happen), but maybe since I took lots of them when little… well based on what Etika said but the other way around. While my beer gut remains, and I do not notice much tone on my muscles; my doctors have said they do notice my blood circulation seems better same as my intestines. But I just do not feel it. Maybe I need a heavier work out to have massive results but maybe I do not have the actual physical capacity to do so. Capacity I should had nurtured when being a kid but…
Plus there is my insecurity of emasculation with my attraction to strong women; which oddly I do like but still… and sorry for sounding like a mean skeptic but I do not like how martial arts have certain rhetoric to them. Like how they work to build up confidence in oneself but Taekwondo Girl has said she gets nervous around people; despite the way and moves she dresses. She does not look nervous to me.
Forgot to mention on cosplayers. Yes one has to respect them as they are people; maybe some hot female cosplayer is dressed as this character that is your sexual fantasy. But you still have to respect them, ask politely if they can have a picture but still keep your distance. From what I heard some people wanted to take pictures with Taekwondo Girl as Zero Suit Samus but she got really angry with it and even was willing to attack them with her martial arts moves. That is why I wonder maybe it is not a good idea to come out as a stalker to her; and rather keep my distance and forget about her; she is out of my league. Going to her dojo to train from zero won´t give me any points as maybe I am rather better off learning some other style. Been reading I should stick to cardio boxing or if I am still interested in martial arts give aikido a try as it would not be too complicated for my hernia. But sadly no aikido instruction places are around. But would rather train for me; for my own health, not to be worthy of that or other warrior girl.
Or maybe I should just learn to live with my inferiority complex. I decided to open up here to you guys as like diabetesman88 said, I fear in other places they will tell me I am making excuses. Not sure if you guys will even read this; rams_lakers has not returned. Hdatobe never came back; it was interesting to read her opinion as a woman. Sent her several private messages but never came back.
Diabetesman88, you told me to not give up; fight the good fight and not take knowledge for granted. But now I rather wish to alter time and had been rather mold to be strong than smart; so I can be worthy of strong women. Odd how a gentleman at the Trophy Kids boards says something similar. It is weird how the works of Chris Bell have impacted my life and that of others. Oh you said to not give up the good fight; but at times I feel one has to be more than just a good person to survive this real world; this documentary mentions the things one has to do to get into the top. It rather seems that in this material world being kind and nice is a sinful weakness.
Well I have to go, it was nice to post and let it go off my chest. Maybe there was more I had to said but forgot about it. I may post more later if I get no replies from you guys; but there are other things I have to do in my life right now. For now take care and thanks for reading.
(BTW now I see what happened to my first message, it was cut short as it was too long. Sadly I do not think I have saved that other one fully to see what else I tried to say).
After talking it with my peers at work and to prevent further problems, I decided not to talk to tae kwon do girl.
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