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Things I learned about Special Forces while watching The Devil's Tomb


1. Elite tactical special forces wear makeup in combat.
2. "This wind will burn your skin like a blowtorch, so stay tight".
3. Demonic people with telepathic skills whom don't die when shot do not freak soldiers out.
4. If your unborn child calls you, just follow her into the dark especially when you know something ain't right in your mission. And if she appears again, follow her once more.
5. Do not listen to priests nor let them explain things, even if they know more than you.
6. If a hot naked chick appears in a locked-down base in the desert, go grab her and make out, while you're on top-secret duty..
7. Special Ops can spot sacred Hebrew and Sanskrit texts from Buddhism, Jewish and Christianity just by glancing at them.
8. Sucking on boils absolves you from abortion and feeds your homosexual desire.
9. Shoot at your own guys when you specifically know you're being *beep* with by the nephilims.
10. Shoot your best friends when you're told to by superiors.

This last one is about nephilims, who seem to contract the same stupidity as Special Ops by osmosis:

- A nephilim won't take an elevator to escape when it has the chance, it will sit around and wait to discuss religion with you.

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11. Although it is told to you that a special code is needed for the only exit out of the bunker, just forget about it and take the elevator you came in on...
12. If you hear ANY type of noise that is out of the ordinary, keep it to yourself.
13.Apparently Spanish is not one of the languages required to know to be a master of different languages....
14.The CIA and the ARMY does not get along.
15.Its a great idea not to keep an eye on passed out person who just minuets ago attacked a teammate.
16.Whatever the situation: always bring porn.
17.Having a conversation with your unborn child is completely normal.
18.Splitting up in a very,very,VERY dangerous place is always a good idea.
19.If you are infected by the nephilim close to the end of the movie you will never be seen again...but keep in mind you ARE infected.

20.Splitting up from the rest of your squad: stupid
Sucking, licking, and then eating rotting boils: nasty
Making out with the only other female member of your team: spicy
Getting your back slowly carved out: painful
Doing all of this in front of your smiling unborn child: priceless

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21. Each team member is a carbon copy of every character portrayed in a film which has a special forces team!!!
22. Almost every one liner is spoken by the biggest tit of the team and only he thinks they are funny!!


"Every day above ground is a good day!"

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23. When you hear a team mate firing you just join and fire too, even if you don't see *beep*
24. Even if you say that you're going to fix the cables, you just watch movies and porn magazines
25. If you break into pentagon's database, you end up enrolling in army ("that's not what I've signed up for..")
26. Your friends, combatant, can easily be killed with a pistol, not taking into consideration the fact that has a kevlar vest
27. You don't need to reload your weapons.. ever
28. You can always show the middle finger, wich means "good luck".. even to your superiors
29. The elevator will always work, even if a earthquake and a few explosions messed up the bunker
30. The knifes, the bullets will not kill you if you are morphed. A fire instead does

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31. When taking automatic fire from numerous hostiles, it is perfectly fine to answer the fire with spontaneous shots from a sidearm out of a window.
32. Blue-on-blue situations doesn't exist.
33. A military chopper can fly trough a raging sandstorm without any particular trouble, but it doesn't want to stay and chat because of the winds.
34. Every special ops-team consists of at lest 1/3 female soldiers.... wearing make-up.
35. The first thing a special ops-team do when entering a hostile building is clearing the first room and getting undressed and putting down their firearm.
36. Throwing a pack of explosives around the corner in a sealed bunker is a good idea and will only harm the bad guys.
37. When sneaking onto a freaked out team member, it's vital to hush the other members so even the bad guys can hear the seeking device's beeping, which now is getting louder and more frequent.

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38. Everytime somebody says or does something you don't like. Shoot 'em. Mac blows away like 3 different people, just because...
39. When in an elevator that starts falling, scream like a banshee, "Whoooeeee!"

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I swear guys... I just read this post and now I really want to watch it... I'm in the mood for a good laugh. Sometimes I love to watch a really bad movie... they're hilarious. The last one I watched that was really, really, really bad was "the terminators"... But that was too bad... I skipped most of it, but I did have some good laughs.

People are just jealous, because "voices" are talking only to me...

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40. Its ok to divulge classified information, as long as the unit you are talking to "Can keep a secret"

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41. When you are an elite Special Forces soldier the first thing you do when you don't like your commanding officer's orders to to start cursing
42. When you encounter the first stressful situation start complaining and whining
43. When you encounter the second stressful situation start saying this isn't what you signed up for and demand to leave
44. When you encounter the third stressful situation fall apart
45. Loud guns and explosives fired in an enclosed spaces don't hurt your ears
46. Only lock and load when encountering the final monster, not all the monsters you have encountered along the way
47. If you are Steve Erkel you can grow up to be a Special Forces soldier who is also a computer expert and knowledgeable in multiple ancient languages

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48. If you shoot somebody and they don't *beepin* die, its pretty hard to do your job
49. Who needs grammar?
50. Never immediately open the door and free the soldier you're looking for
51. You're taught how to subconsciously disarm watches
52. If you're covered in blood and you punch a double crosser it doesn't get on them.
53. Its ok to shoot your superior officer as long as its Tony Soprano's older brother
54. In a standoff you leave the head bad guy to the rookie

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55. by waggling your eyebrows and making basset hound faces, you will harness the ability to lead a special forces team. this is notwithstanding any lines such as, "if you don't lead me to the temple right now, i'm going to put a bullet in your head right now."

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[deleted]

20....nice

"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."

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I just want to say that I don't have any THINGS I LEARNED TO SAY RIGHT NOW, but I think that almost all of the ones listed here are funny as heck! Keep them going!

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TechMechObject

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LOVE IT! What was CUBA GOODING thinking? I mean, an oscar worthy actor can't be that hard up for work, can he? Hasn't made a good movie in years~!And watch out for half dead demons! Two thumbs up!

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55. Always refer to new soldiers as "rookie" or "rook" instead of their last names.
56. Special Forces uses uniforms that the military stopped using about 5 years ago.
57. Teams always split up when on very dangerous missions when they have no idea what is out there.
58. Women are not only in Special Forces combat units, they keep their hair down to look sexy while on missions.
59. When flashing back to previous battles, SF soldiers randomly fire 9 mm sidearms every ten seconds or so.

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60. You can have a conversation on a helicopter without wearing a helmet that contains a radio transmitter/receiver. You don't even need to speak loudly.

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- A nephilim won't take an elevator to escape when it has the chance, it will sit around and wait to discuss religion with you.

Yeah...that's what I didn't quite get either....

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[deleted]

61. Despite the presence of an instantly insanity-inducing, zombifying curse, hundreds of contractors will be able to construct an elaborate infrastructure around the source before succumbing.

62. Unborn children use your childhood toys against you.

63. "Jerry Maguire" was longer ago than it seems.

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64. Soldier severely wounded, crippled and almost killed in one of the flashbacks returns to the same unit and allowed to continue missions.
65. It is ok for a scientist to run to her knowingly possessed father to see if he is all right after catching fire and exploding.
66. As long as you are Special Forces shotguns have no kickback.
67. If you are a Special Forces team member your spinal cord will be totally white with no blemishes.
68. A block of ice exposed to room temperature will never melt not even a little.
69. Even though the demon possessed the doctor's father throughout the movie the demon's original head would morph in the ice when it wanted to control someone.
70. As long as you are a computer hacker you are allowed to cock your sidearm multiple times prior to firing.
71. As long as you are a computer hacker zombie brain matter and blood in your mouth does not infect you but their saliva does.
72. As long as you are in SF you can disobey direct orders repeatedly.
73. A supposedly devote Christian only has to hear her name called once by a stranger to succumb to evil.
74. Where did the priest go after he ran from the temple. Oh... yea that was a temple.
75. If you are SF you can walk through a sandstorm and not have any sand on your face and clothes.
76. If you are SF you never have to take a piss.

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[deleted]

77.If you are morphed and get shot in the chest youn must lie down and moan but if you are shot in the head you can quickly recover
78. There's no difference in stupidity in a special forces team and a group of teenagers in horror movies

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I just have to ditto everything you said. All 12 points.
I served in 1 Para.
Jesus, the production's military advisers were a shoddy bunch.
Wanna see a film with good tactical/military advice? Watch De Niro and Co come out of the bank in 'Heat' - they knew what they were doing.
'We Were Soldiers' was good too. Very real.

It must've cost all of ten dollars to finance that crap.
It was like a really poor, made for SciFi Channel, movie.
A sort of Blakes 7, in uniform.
Possibly in the Bottom Ten of worst films I've seen.

CREDO ELVEM IPSUM ETIAM VIVERE

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Did you guys have those female medics that didn't even bother to glove up when dealing with potential contagious diseases?

I think the military consultant for this film, graduated from the Call Of Duty military academy.

And as for HEAT, they still show it to recruits in basic apparently, showing people how to properly retreat under fire.

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LOL... priceless!

The hardest thing in this world is to live in it.

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79. The Best Way to Make Sure a Being of Pure Evil is Contained Forever in a Secret Underground Bunker is to send a team down into that bunker and reactivate all of the elevators, clear away the barbed wire, etc. There is no need whatsoever to just seal the place up.

80. The best failsafe for such a bunker containing a Being of Pure Evil is to set up explosives in such a manner that the only way to set them off is to send in a team, tell them their objective is the EXACT OPPOSITE of what they are supposed to do (i.e. rescue possessed people and get them out instead of making sure they are trapped inside forever), and send this team into the bunker (at the risk of being possessed themselves) with a hacker with zero military experience in tow who has to hack into the system to arm the explosives and get them counting down. While making sure this uninformed team wanders around and gets possessed one by one, have the exit guarded only by one guy too busy looking at porn to do anything else. Pray that the possessed people are too stupid to then just take the elevator up after dispatching of the porn-obsessed guard, and that they will instead waste their time playing around with the soldiers' minds. Deploying explosives down the shaft from the surface would just be too damn easy for an elite special forces team. That's why they ARE so special.

81. When checking to make sure your point of entry is clear, ignore any priests covered in boils, declare that the room is "clear", and then act surprised when said priest suddenly jumps on your back.

82. After you have "cleared" one room, why bother clearing any other? Send your people up and down random tunnels by themselves, and don't even worry about potential cross-fire.

83. You can tell which priests are not possessed by evil spirits because they have tattoos of bar codes on the backs of their necks (at least when those priests are ex-members of Black Flagg).


84. Even if you throw a ton of explosives down a tunnel you just used to gain entry to a particular area and declare that it is now blocked (but don't have the budget to film it), don't worry about finding your way back: members of the team wandering randomly down tunnels will have no trouble whatsoever suddenly finding themselves in places they already were.

85. If you head a special forces team and a female doctor of anthropology says "we have to keep going", contradict here and say "we have to get out of here what with all these crazy-ass possessed people around" but keep going anyways. If she changes her mind and says "we should not head to the Temple" change your mind and decide "we MUST go to the Temple". If she changes her mind again and says "nothing must leave", argue that "we have to get everyone out of here". When you find out the whole purpose of the mission was so she could say goodbye to her evil, possessed father, finally get the hell out of there by yourself even after it has become painfully clear that making sure nothing at all leaves the bunker is the best way to avoid the apocalypse. Offer to take the anthropologist with you to the surface even after watching her trying to hold back the demon which has now possessed her.

86. The best way to escape an evil bunker and make sure its inhabitants stay trapped is to make an announcement over the radio that all possessed zombies only have 15 minutes to escape before the explosives are set off. Making sure they all converge upon the exit you yourself are trying to use is great strategy.

87. The best way to distract a special forces soldier who is guarding your only exit is to have him hallucinate about a woman with such a bad boob job that her nipples are at the top of her breasts.

88. A leader of special forces teams will always have flashbacks to a previous mission even when they appear to be totally irrelevant. (Did she say something about signals breaking up? Hmmm, that reminds me of the aftermath of the firefight I had a flashback about 10 minutes ago...) These flashbacks will only become relevant when the leader finally hallucinates about a dead teammate returning from the dead.

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89. All boils on evil possessed individuals will resemble baked beans.

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well i'll continue this circus with one point that i noticed everyone missed..

90. It's okay to point a weapon at a team mate, even if it isn't loaded

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91. it's perfectly fine to go in a sandstorm with no facial or eye protection without being hurt

92. in special forces, the rookie always behaves like a recruit even though it's mandatory to have so many years in the military before being elegable for special forces training

93. it's okay for the rookie to adress his team leader with "yo"

94. it's okay to remove your kit during an operation

95. it's okay to perform mouth to mouth on a casualty covered in boils without a something covering his mouth

96. i would plow doc and yoshi until next july

97. when you see a small child in a secure bunker miles underground, talk to her rather than shoot her

98. when you see a naked chick with an obvious boob job in a secure bunker miles underground, make out with her rather than shoot her

99. it's okay for the rookie to wander off on his own and thinking whispering will get his teams attention

100. being special forces can allow you to recognize hebrew, budhism christianity at a glance

101. if you see the same small child you saw earlier, follow her

102. everyone agrees the make out scene between doc and yoshi deserves it's own spinnoff sequel that contains a whole hour and a half of those two "doing the dew".. minus the boils, and the cutting, and the clothes

103. its okay for 2 really smoking hot chicks to make out in front of a small child

104. the rookie's a soldier now

105. the moaning and grunting said by hammer can be translated into LEEEERRROOOYYYY JEEENKIIINNNS!!!

106. tony soprano's brother was in the special forces

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I understand the joke here but these people were not supposed to portray SF at all. they were a rag tag group of lame "soldiers" on some stupid mission in a crap movie.

/thread

Utah! Get me two.

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Agreed, but it's all in good fun.


"I'm the ultimate badass,you do not wanna f-ck wit me!"-Pvt Hudson in Aliens.😬

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107. If you steal the script to Aliens and have Sean Connery as your father you can make a real $*it straight to dvd movie.


Better to be the MotherF#!$%R than the MotherF#!$%ED.

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The Father was Ron Perlman

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the poster was talking about the director...

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108 - SF Medics don't need any equipment of any kind to be able to gauge a person's "vitals"
109 - Convicted hackers can get into the SF
110 - Hackers are able to hack encrypted lines of code really quickly on unfamiliar computers underground.
111 - Nothing gets marines killed more quickly than civilians, especially ones wearing panties - thats right NOTHING!
112 - It's perfectly reasonably for soliders to mess around and point weapons at each other before a mission
113 - It is even more reasonable to gripe and groan about the mission you are tasked with
114 - Checking an area and creating a safety perimeter takes around 10 seconds for SF - after which they are free to strip their clothes off and continue messing around

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haha i like this thread now..

response to post #112: yeah i think it's totally okay for supposedly highly trained SF troops with multiple years of service in the regular force before being eligible for SF selection to point what looks to be a loaded weapon at another squad mate before a mission

response to post #113: it's actually quite common to see troops complaining about their assignment (the most common is weather, i have a personal experience in doing an exercise in temperatures so cold that NO human should be exposed to). It's more of a behind the scenes thing that civies never see

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I'll gladly continue this thread

115: An underground bunker with hundreds of corridors, hallways, and all kinds of twists and turns and surprises is a squad objective rather than a platoon or company objective

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116: it's perfectly acceptable for the rookie to address his squad leader (who is a captain by the way) with "YO" during an operation and not get into any trouble.

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117. Medics are called "Doc".
118. Computer experts are called "Click".
119. Every squad has one "Hicks".

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120. When having a flash-back about a traumatic event in your life, you will not remember the most traumatic thing first (shooting one of your own); instead you will begin the memory 10 minutes priorto this then remember everything in sequential order revisiting the memory at the exact point where you left off all the time ignoring the current, dangerous mission.

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121. cuba gooding jr was obviously bored during this movie, when he shot the demon at the end, he thought it was his agent. whoops!

122. steve urkel joined the military after family matters was cancelled.

123. the flashbacks took up most of the movie.

124. it is a terrible idea to trust Zack Ward to watch your back.

125. a strange man covered in boils can be shot and rise up again and it raises no red flags.

126. dammit, another soldier named Hicks get killed.... again

127. if a strange man with boils calls your name it can cause you to give up your religion.

128. henry rollins provides key information about the apocalypse.

129. naked women with boob jobs hang out in temples, their turn-ons are dumb idiots not doing their jobs, lost of women are, right?

130. if your father is possessed by pure evil, hey go see if he's okay.

131. if ron perlman played HELLBOY, who was surprised that his character was possessed by demons.

132. when doc & yoshi are making out, most men forgot the plot and are instantly intrigued.

133. mr. french wasn't killed in the departed, he was killed by cuba gooding jr.

134. ron perlman's character gets possessed and is killed by a single gunshot.

135. screaming in an elevator really showcases everone's inner private hudson

136. the military team had seemingly unlimited ammo, yet only one survived

137. you can survive possessed people's blood spraying on yet you are truly infected when they spit in your face.

138. the only two woman on the team lust for one another and consummated it in front of one's smiling unborn child.

139. you cry when you see your unborn child, yet laugh as your husband gets killed in front of you.

140. when your superiors tell you NOT to let anything get to the surface, they didn't mean you, sure you can leave.

141. when your team is truly counting on you to watch their backs as they embark on a dangerous mission, just chill and watch porn, i mean what else is there to do?

142. uwe boll snuck behind camera and finished filming while director jason connery was asleep.



"I am the ultimate badass, you do not wanna `*beep*` wit' me!" Hudson in Aliens.

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143: a single squad of what was it 6 special forces troops? because 6 people can easily cover that much ground with one guy watching the only way in who took off his kit and started watching porn... seriously he brought a porn tape for just such an occasion where he would happen to find a TV/VCR combo?

144: your rifle won't be covered in sand after moving through a sand storm

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"132. when doc & yoshi are making out, most men forgot the plot and are instantly intrigued."

Hey, I resent that remark. I was being quite tolerant, I imagined their loving little nuclear family living happily ever after in a house with a white picket fence and possibly a dog...Only problem was the writers didn't seem to agree at all.

145. The demon will refer to the 7 deadly sins despite there being clear evidence of them clearly being invented by a catholic pope and not part of original teological writings.

146. You can be trained to save your fathers soul from a human-possessing demon.

147. Click is the most widely used word in SF-linguistics and means "hey you hacker-guy" or "come here rookie", it is said 276 times over the course of this movie (not really, but it's probably close).

Light travels faster than sound,
that's why people seem bright,
until you hear them.

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^^LOL, those damn writers.

"I am the ultimate badass, you do not wanna `*beep*` wit' me!" Hudson in Aliens.

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This thread needs to be bumped!

"I am the ultimate badass, you do not wanna `*beep*` wit' me!" Hudson in Aliens.

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148. If you have a tracker that can point out the range and direction of one of your team members you can immediately deduce that the signal is coming from a small supply-room in the bunker you haven't cleared fully and don't have any blueprints of.

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149. Medics do not need gloves when assessing an obviously contaminated priest/patient. Yeah just use your bare hands to touch a boil ridden individual of unknown origin and clear his airway with said un-gloved hands. Nah it is totally safe because you are a SF medic and clearly universal safety protocols do not apply to you





~~~~~WINNERS do the things LOSERS can't do!â„¢~~~~~

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150. Possessed/infected/demon-y people can not be killed with bullets...until about midway through the movie, when suddenly, they can be.

151. Strong Asian females can never live to see the end of any American action and/or horror movie (I actually think there's a law against it)

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YES!!! That and there's no way in hell that a boil could transmit anything.

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sound like an absolute classic, can't wait to watch it

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I need to watch this again!

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#152: I wanna see this film so bad right now !!! (it's in a 3 pack blu ray movie with fifth element and gattaca... 2 really bad movies) ;)

Last Movies: - Star Trek Into Darkness: 4/5
- Pain & Gain: 3,5/5
- Oblivion: 4/5

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#153: it used to be on crackle but now it's on hulu.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/558033

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#154 : YOLO

Last Movies: - Transformers 4: 4/5
- Neighbors: 4/5
- Non-Stop: 4/5

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# 155: Never wear a helmet.

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156. After shooting your creepy unborn daughter when she shows you her devil face, instantly respond to her call later in and separate from the team.

157. There's always time for a hot lesbian makeout session in the middle of a mission.

158. Hallucinations can be hurt by shrapnel and fire.

159. When trying to escape a prison tomb the best bet is to kill off your would-be rescuers.

160. Mulder was wrong: Grays are bad.

What I can't figure out is what Cuba's "new mission" (hand cupping devilish pendant) was supposed to be? Was he the only one the end of the movie was clear to? Confused.

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This is without a shadow of a doubt, my favorite thread on IMB, fab stuff!

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