MovieChat Forums > The Singles 2nd Ward (2007) Discussion > The non-member parent's objections

The non-member parent's objections


This movie showed the non-member parents and their misunderstanding about not being able to enter the temple to see their daughter get married. This happens all of the time in real life. But how many peacefully reconcile themselves to the issue and go ahead and support their son or daughter anyway? Far, far fewer then what this movie depicts. But perhaps, given the fact that this movie was intended to be a comedy, they had to go with the lighter side of things. A more serious drama could have really explored the all too often scenario where the non-member parents get offended and cannot be placated under any circumstances. I know, I've been there, done that. The anger, the rejection, the disowning, the hostility, the silent treatment for years are very real things for some people. The grandkids are often caught up in the middle of it all. Yet it doesn't seem to be acknowledged very much within the Church. Not everything has a happy ending. At least not in this life.

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My non-member father passed away a year before I was married, but my non-member mother dealt with my marriage very well. I had been a member of the church for about 10 years, so she was aware that when I got married, she wouldn't be able to see it. (She had plenty of time to join the church if she had wanted to.) She wanted me to wear her wedding dress and I was able to do so. It meant a lot to her that her dress could go into the temple, even if she couldn't. To this day she has still been supportive in all ways.

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My daughter married in the Salt Lake temple last year. My wife and I flew to Salt Lake City but were not able to enter the temple due to my not being a member and my wife being an inactive one. After standing outside waiting for the bride and groom my wife was very upset and in tears. My other children promised her they would not marry in a way where she would not be able to attend.

I've read many stories of heartache and pain over this policy. Members can go ahead and wear the rose colored glasses or attempt to convince themselves that it really isn't a big deal. When you're a parent who is not allowed to witness a very important day in a child's life, it is a very big deal. I have only heard of one non-member parent who had to wait outside the temple say they understood why (supposedly, this was on the Internet so I was unable to verify if she was a non-member or even a parent of an LDS bride/groom).

In Europe it is illegal to have "secret" weddings so the church has compensated by having the couple marry at a public location and then immediately enter the temple to be sealed, but here in the United States they are "punished" by making them wait a year after their civil wedding. So if they are willing to make exceptions because of European laws, why can't they make the same exceptions for non-member parents in the United States? I have yet to have a member explain to me why they have to wait one year. There's no reason for it at all.

I feel this is a control issue. If the church could control members to the point where the members are willing to dismiss their parents over the church, now there's a dedicated follower.

I'm sure I will have replies from members slamming me. I don't care. What's done is done, she's already married. Hopefully my other kids will keep their promise to their mom and invite us to join them at their wedding, outside the temple walls.

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[deleted]

I am LDS and was married in the temple. My parents were there, but my father-in-law was not due to this issue. CodeMonkeyOK, I don't know why you believe that we don't see this as a big deal. My wife and I understood the issue that it was and understood that it was a big deal. We did a ring ceremony afterwards that pretty much looked just like a wedding with my father-in-law walking my wife down the aisle and everything. I know that didn't replace it, but it was what my father-in-law wanted. He was understanding as well as he could be and I have to hand it to him for that.

I don't understand your trying to distort motivations and beliefs.

Also, you distort the legal issue in Europe. It is not the same law all over Europe. In addition, the law isn't about "secret" weddings but rather about whether the Temple Sealer has the legal authority to perform a civil wedding. In the US, Sealers have the legal authority to perform a civil wedding so it is done at the same time as the temple marriage. In some European countries, the Sealer does not have the legal authority to perform civil weddings, so the couple must first be married civilly (legally) before being married in the temple.

We have different beliefs and ask for understanding and an open mind and heart. I, and many others, show this courtesy for different beliefs, customs, and cultures. Please show us the same respect and do not assume ulterior motives behind policies that you don't understand.

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by cherokeecfg:
"(She had plenty of time to join the church if she had wanted to.)"

This statement is so telling of the smug and ignorant position that so many devout religious people take. Let me turn the statement around for you: You had plenty of time to _leave_ the church if you wanted to. Your statement oozes with a vomitous puss of ignorance. Your mother may well be of such a fragile heart that she can't tell you how she really feels, or she may be entirely fine with not being able to see you married (as you say she is). It makes your point of view no less disgraceful.

Let me not mince my words!

by sorria2000:
"We have different beliefs and ask for understanding and an open mind and heart. I, and many others, show this courtesy for different beliefs, customs, and cultures. Please show us the same respect and do not assume ulterior motives behind policies that you don't understand."

I, and many others who read these posts, understand this Mormon custom _perfectly well_. It is a practice which has been crafted precisely to be as divisive and disruptive as possible. Those who dismiss their parents from such a special ceremony shall have to justify their doing so, lest they wish to feel the deserved and extreme cognitive dissonance that would flood their senses, should they ever come to the conclusion that what they did just might have been totally indefensible (which is true). This is how devout believers are made of converts. The weight of sadness it puts on _the vast majority_ of family who can not see the ceremony is intended to get those individuals to consider converting.

This "custom" of which we speak is intentionally divisive. It is disgusting, and deserves no respect whatsoever.

I have had many years of experience, of anguish and anger, generated by the beliefs of this terrible institution (The Church of LDS), that going over it here would take far more time than you or I are willing to invest here. This topic is one of many unnecessary hurdles I, and my wife, unfortunately have had to deal with in our lives.

Before any Mormon's decide to complement themselves and take my words to be anti-Mormon - please, let me state that I am anti-religion. Yes - I have a grudge against _all_ religions. They all contain some mechanism or another for dividing people and generating misery. In this regard, Mormonism is not special.

For all the synthetic bliss born from the virtues of their faith that the religious focus upon, maniacally, obsessively, to justify what they believe, there are mountains and mountains of sadness sewn into the human psyche.

I dearly hope humanity can be rid of the infection we know as religion, one day, soon.

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My husband and I eloped first by a Mormon bishop, then six weeks later had the church wedding on an army post by a Methodist minister and a year or so later got sealed in the St. George temple.

My husband is a convert so we couldn't go to the temple the first time with pilot training, waiting a year from his baptism date and a temple on the other side of the country made it too difficult to do it the "right" way. So we eloped.

My In-laws were not happy at all their son converted add that they couldn't be apart of their only sons' wedding would have over strained an already strained relationship...they also hated me. So we had the church wedding and they got a family friend and preacher to marry us. That made them happy. My parents were happy too. My dad got to walk one daughter down the aisle.

When my husband was stationed in Las Vegas we got sealed in the St. George temple.

My sister, on the other hand, got married in the Atlanta temple and his non-member parents were very upset and no alcohol at the reception just made things worse....my dad got wasted at my reception.

26 years and still going strong!

Over the years I've realized that it's not "how" couples get married that make things bad it's the one who throws the biggest tantrum because they don't get to control everything and everybody that makes it bad for everyone.



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For those who are angry and hurt over this "policy" I'm sorry you are faced with such heartache. I know first hand the pain that comes from issues that seem to divide families, but a temple marriage is so much more than you understand. This isn't about the here and now, this is about forever and doing things as God commands. "If ye love me, keep my commandments." ~ John 14:15. I have a strong testimony that our Heavenly Father wants us to have the best of everything and he has given the world the way to obtain that but it must be done in His way.

My father was a member but decided to leave the Church. It breaks my heart to think he will not be able to attend my wedding when I get married but he's been to the temple, he knows what it's all about but he chose a different path. I'm saddened that he no longer cares about seeing me married because he knows full well a civil marriage will not be enough for me, but I know he still loves me and wants me to be happy. The point is everyone is welcome to come to the temple with the proper preparation as revealed by God, but there are certain steps that must be taken before hand as directed by a loving Heavenly Father who does not set us up to fail but fully prepares us before giving us certain responsibilities.

Before I went to the temple I often wondered at this issue, families not able to attend to see their children, siblings, friends married. I was unable to attend either wedding when two of my sisters got married because I had not yet gone to the temple myself and it was disappointing even for me who had grown up in the Church, but I had faith there was a reason for it. Having gone to the temple now after taking the proper steps and preparation and making the covenants necessary, I understand better why we must be prepared. These things cannot be taken lightly when eternity is at stake. It was several years after I went to the temple before I had the opportunity to witness a temple marriage performed. It further strengthened my testimony of the importance of following God's commandments in all things and the blessings that await us when we do.

It is a truly wonderful experience that would not have the same meaning without that preparation.

Some of those who do not yet understand may try and say I've somehow been brainwashed into this belief but that is far from the truth. I know these things for myself. I've taken my own path of discovery to know these things for myself - a path that wavered at times due to my own selfishness - and everyone will have the opportunity if they truly and sincerely desire it and are willing to do as God commands instead of man.

"If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him." James 1:5

"And when you shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost. And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things." ~ Moroni 10: 4-5

You don't have to take a single other person's word for it. We are all God's children and if we but ask Him as instructed in the scriptures, he will confirm to us individually through the power of the Holy Spirit in our minds and in our hearts what is true and right. That is one of His many promises and blessings to every one us as His children.

http://www.mormon.org/

http://lds.org/

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