What I Learned from 'Shark Swarm'

1. Real estate developers are eeeevil! Eeeevil, I tell ya.

2. Sending your aqua-phobic daughter off into the water with some random guy in life guard shorts is good parenting ... as long as you're going to tip the guy afterward.

3. Sonar guns use strobe lights.

4. EPA officials can threaten to withhold your development permits if you piss them off by insinuating that they sleep around.

5. Developers can get EPA officials pulled off the job if they refuse to grant the needed permits - especially if the EPA officials have been sleeping around with the Wilder brothers.

6. When you're a local sheriff taking bribes from rich developers, it's okay to take a check.

7. When illegally dumping chemicals into the local bay, use the public dock and don't bother to disable the loud back-up beeper on your truck.

8. A good place to conduct your noisy kidnapping operation is in front of the town bar.

9. Good grammar is a vanishing skill among script writers (it's "between Lux and ME" not "between Lux and I").

10. Kicking open a shark cage door under water will knock the door off its hinges.

11. Always keep a shotgun in your boat's head.

12. When you've put your enemy in an unescapable death device, make sure he dies. Don't immediately put your guns down and break out the champagne.

13. Get a security system for your house or you'll be violently murdered in your sleep. [I actually learned that from a commercial during this movie.]

14. Marine biology professors have access to satellite tracking imagery to track shark swarms; and can track them based on ingested phosphorus.

15. Old women need help walking into the ocean.

16. When your aqua-phobic five-year-old tells you there are monsters in the water, listen to her.

17. There is such a thing as too much plastic surgery.

18. Some women should not do that full-teeth-smile kissing thing.

19. If you can't get Barry Levinson to produce your movie, the next best thing is to get Larry Levinson.