Review/Rant by annoyed Horror Nerd


I wouldn't consider this a real review, because I do use a lot of spoilers, but I'm the kind of guy who likes to back up what he says with examples, so if you're afraid of spoilers. . . don't be because trust me, this isn't worth seeing.


Okay, so I started this series a long time ago, back when it was broadcasted on Fearnet as episodes. So now I decided to watch the series as a whole 30-minute. . . I don't know, I guess short film would be the appropriate word. Okay first off, this was awful. I mean, terribly awful. I mean, after reading Twilight, I'm glad to see vampires portrayed as monsters, and yes, the vampires are pulled off to perfection. It's the story itself that is lacking.

First off, all the characters have all the personality of a wet dish rag. There's nobody you can sympathize with, nobody to relate to.
Let me break it down:
Main Character, Average Joe
His girlfriend
His fat friend
Vampires

Those are all the main characters. First off, let's start where this film starts, the beginning obviously. The opening shot is a man running to a police officer, covered head to toe in blood, screaming for help. So, naturally, the police officer follows proper police protocal and proceeds to beat him with a nightstick and arrest him, without giving him time to speak! So an unarmed, blood covered man comes running at HIM (Yes, he came to him for help, the police officer didn't discover him) screaming for help, his first instinct is ignore what he's saying and take him down? Alright. Skip to 2 days prior.
So we meet Joe, our main character. His real name slips my mind now, but let's just call him Joe because, well, he's your average generic hero. So let's see, we get a pointless beginning where he gets attacked by a drug dealer before he goes to his fat friend to talk to him about some access code they got.
Even though it's never stated, I just kind of assumed they were vampire hunters, because I suppose it would make sense that way. After all, if the fat guy was trying to 'hack into their system for months', I assume he knew who they were.
So he calls up a girl. I forget her name. She exists for one reason. To have a sex scene before putting on her headphones so she can miss the sound of her boyfriend being torn to pieces. . . Seriously? How loud do you listen to music to not hear someone screaming "Help me! He's tearing my jugular vein out!"
Okay so she dies and then a vampire attacks the fat guy. He is discovred by Joe and his girlfriend, STILL ALIVE, his guts hanging out. . . Okay I never read the comics but does the female vampire have a thing for guts? If not, why didn't she just attack his throat? I mean, the whole reason was to kill him, and if sunlight could kill vampires, I'd assume vampires would be WELL AWARE how far away until the day starts. He survived because the sun rose and she ran away. Then he turns into a vampire. Luckly, Joe's girlfriend hacks him to pieces. . . okay what? I mean, he turns into a vampire, shouldn't the sunlight from the open window kill him? But what I like most is the transition from human to vampire. No dramatic change, no screaming in agony like "Oh I feel it coming!" no, just one minute he's fine, the next he's lounging for the throat.
So they go over to the house of a guy who decodes messages and puts the vampire talk into pure English. So Joe and his girlfriend sit out on the roof talking about the cliche "I love you" b.s.. But then suddenly, his girl is yanked down from the roof (presumeably by a vampire. I think it would have just been funnier if she had just fallen).
Okay, if there are vampires chasing them, why the Heck would they be outdoors during the night anyway? Whatever, so he runs down there only to discover she's a vampire. So he proceeds to beat her to death with a nearby lead pipe, played in slow mo with sappy music to try and make us feel bad for her I guess.
Wait what? I took a longer amount of time for the big guy to change? Even if she was bite before she hit the ground, it wouldn't be equal to the time it took for the big guy to transform. Well okay let's just assume it took longer because he was fat.
So Joe runs out with the note, and then the beginning repeats with him being arrested and what not. Only now we get to see the note, revealing that the vampires were planning on going to the Alaskian City in the movie. . . .
Oh, DUH!! Oh my God! This has nothing to do with the Alaskian people does it? We all knew it was coming! We know they were going to Alaska! No surprise there! But. . . Oh my God. I can't believe I wasted a half hour on this piece of crap.
Nobody would see a prequel to 30 days of night unless they already knew the story! I mean, a prequel is suppose to provide information to expand on the first films, like look at Star Wars. It answers a lot of questions and provides new ones. This on the other hand was just a waste of time.
Also I find it funny that the vampires were always able to just sneak up on or just all around totally mutilate the humans with practically no fight. I mean, if they're vampire hunters, shouldn't they at least be trained in the art of fighting vampires? I don't know. I've never seen 30 Days of Night, but I know the basic story. Maybe these characters play a role, but I doubt it. Anyway, all around the film was well put together, however, the story lacked logic and emotion.

reply