100 Things I Learned from Watching Land (incomplete, didn't survive this film...)
Things I learned from Land:
Throwing away your phone is a way to assuage grief. Forget about phones, who needs ‘em!
Moody music is good for telling us stuff.
Buy land without looking at it, or the buildings on the land. Just buy it sight unseen and go there.
After you get there, lose the vehicles, cause you know, that’s a really good idea.
Don’t make sure you have all the hookups and supplies you need - just go there and find out.
Noises at night are scary. And if you are the kind of person scared by noises at night, skip the phone and vehicles, cause you know, who cares?
So far the only way this flick makes sense is as a long suicide preamble, because, are people really this dumb?
Bring white button down shirts to do dirty stuff in, because - why not?
Skip bowls and throw away tuna-fish water, because both of those things will be useful tropes to make you look tough. Plain tuna from the can, that’s the way to go!
Skinny, easy to chop firewood is for dummies. Better to fail at the thick stuff, it makes for better ‘frustration’ footage.
It’s 2020 (or 2021, who knows), and work gloves haven’t been invented yet. But bandaids have.
Hold your water containers one in each hand. Let the current take one of them because two hands wasn’t a good enough idea. And then jump in after it, because one dumb move should always be followed by another. Don’t die, of course, because it’s still the beginning of the movie and we need to see rwp’s (moody-closeups) face for another hour or so
This movie may survive, rwp may survive, but I“m not going to survive another hour plus watching this…
18 minutes in, no plot. Has anyone seen any sign of a plot? Did she throw away the plot when she threw away her phone, or was it never here to begin with?
Vans Off the Wall product placement is more important than plotline.
Screw bear spray in bear country - who can be bothered?
Being able to drive to get food and supplies is not as important as looking moody and scared. Esp if you have a dead sister to keep you company. And some kind of dead little kid with no reference of who that is. Except they are good for pats on the shoulder and then dissappearing.
Hat in snowy weather? Nah. Showing us how the cabin is heated? Nah. But she stays alive, because more (plotless) film to come!
White shirt still white, because it shows up well. Forget about dirt, it doesn’t exist.
Self-indulgent, self-destructive tantrum makes for good movie-watching (not. but someone thought it did - probably rwp)
It’s 2020 (or 2021, who knows), earmuffs haven’t been invented yet.
30 min in, I’m not going to last without a plot. Forget about hat, scarves, gloves and ways to get food, I’m going to die of plotnessness.
Fish, but don’t let us see you catching any, or cooking any because you are rwp, and dont actually eat.
Writing silly 100 Things lists are a way to keep watching a film you would have totally given up on in the first 5 minutes of watching.
Helpful (and hunky) natives will show up right before you die. Depend on it. (Not on cars, phones, food, etc etc.) Because that’s how movies work.
Take off someones shirt when they are freezing. Because that makes sense.
I’m officially not surviving this film. Can’t bear (haha - get it? bear!) another hour of this to go… Maybe someone else will pick up this list after me. Maybe I’ll get a second wind to torture myself a bit more later…