MovieChat Forums > Milk (2009) Discussion > Why I hate being gay

Why I hate being gay


I've hated being gay all my life. Unlike many other young gay men, it doesn't have anything to do with beaten up or rejected by my family and friend (though some of that did happen). Instead, I've always resented being seen as "feminine" and lacking in the traits that are seen as desirable in a man. It doesn't help that I tend to date "masculine" men, especially ones who are confident, dominant, and physically imposing, while I am short, thin, and soft-spoken.

Furthermore, as an Asian, my femininity certainly adds to the stereotype of Asian men as submissive and weak. My white boyfriends have frequently gotten comments from their friends that I was a boy toy or that I must be a "smooth bottom".

Any else feel the same way?

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It sounds like your issues lie not with being gay, but by being seen as "submissive", which you feel is added by the fact that you're Asian. A friend of mine is Korean and straight and still feels the same way you do. Have you seen a therapist about this?

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[deleted]

I agree that it's horrible, painful and unfair when you're judged by people who don't even know you, based on a stereotype.

And it seems wrong that someone should suggest YOU go talk to a counselor when it's a bunch of superficial morons who have the problem.


But you can't change yourself into giant six-foot strapping macho man. You can't change the fact that lots of people are idiots who form opinions based on some stupid stereotype. You can't change being gay or the people you're attracted to--and it wouldn't make any difference in your outward appearance, even if you could.

The only way thing you can do, to be happier, is to stop feeling so angry and resentful about all this stuff that you can't change. And that's where it turns out counseling is an excellent idea. A good counselor can give you some tools that will shift your world. (And I'm talking about a trained professional--sometimes people think counseling can't be any more helpful than talking with a trusted friend, but it's not at all the same.)

Bonus: they're the least judgmental people in the world.

In April 2014 and April 2015, you posted that you hated being gay. It would be really great if you felt differently by the end of April 2016.

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Nurhaci: your discomfort has to do with being a feminine man, not with being gay. So please don’t contribute to the traditional stereotype of the self-hating homosexual by saying you hate being gay.

Perhaps you should ask yourself what’s wrong with being the man you are? If you didn’t have a problem with your image of yourself, others’ reaction wouldn’t wreck your day.

In the much more homophobic early 70s, I was in a Catholic all-boys high school with a kid named Jimmy Ryan. He was a big flamer, but popular. Even his butch track teammates had good things to say about him. Jimmy’s comfort with himself inspired others to respond in kind. I remember one jock saying, “Ryan’s a great guy. He is…well, rather effeminate, but he’s a great guy!” His effeminacy was seen but overlooked. It was not a cause for rejection, b/c he didn’t reject himself.

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The term you probably mean to use is 'effeminate'. That term was specifically coined to describe men with certain characteristics more associated with women (i.e. high-pitched voice, small build, more emotionally sensitive, etc.). There are steps you could take to appear more 'macho', if you wanted. Have you ever dated women? I dont mean to sound flippant, but maybe there is a part of you that would actually prefer to be 'straight'.

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I don't feel the same way but I'm not real big on external validation.

How I see myself has nothing to do with how I am seen by others.



God knew he was good and God did look the other way that day.

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I'm sorry it hurts you. I can't imagine how you feel. Hug.

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i think you'd probably be the same way even if you were straight. as someone said, your problem is not being gay but your exterior and mimics etc. i think this can be fixed. why not join a gym and get buffed? maybe go to acting or public speaking class to learn how to speak strong, loud and confident.

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