Rewrite Season 8 with me
Episode 1: Jaime bangs a wall
We open on Jaime who has just found out that the metal hand he wears is actually a commonly owned sex toy.
Jaime, who cannot bear the shame of being Jaime Dildohand, has decided that he must become a hermit, and he flees the Targaryen camp to live the rest of his life in the woods.
He finds an abandoned shack and makes it his home.
Meanwhile, we cut to a bunch of important people in King's Landing talking about how Danaerys said a bad word when she managed to stub her toe, on the way to a big speech she was supposed to be giving in one of her fancy outfits.
Back at Jaime's hermit shack, Jaime has only been there a few days and, being the horny gent he is, has realised that it is gonna be tough out here living on his own without a woman, especially without a woman who is genetically very similar to him.
We see a montage of Jaime chopping wood (with his shirt on, maybe another shirt on top of that one for good measure) and as the days go by he gets more and more desperate to bang someone who is very closely related to himself.
Eventually, he is out pondering fate's cruelty when he sees a hole in a rough stone wall that reminds him of his sister's vagina. He has a whatever they use instead of lightbulbs in Westeros moment and ten seconds later he is pounding away.
Close enough, he thinks. Jaime is just getting his rhythm when who should be riding along the road? It's Arya Stark. What is she doing here?
We don't get to find out because Arya's horse freaks out at the sight of a metal-handed pervert banging a wall and it bolts, throwing Arya off.
As Arya lands her back shatters into a thousand pieces. She begs Jaime for help.
Jaime tries to extract himself from the wall, but he is too engorged and the head is too wide to pull out.
"Ermm, just a minute" he says.
Hours go by and Arya is exhausted from swatting away all the birds that are trying to peck out her eyeballs. She pleads with Jaime who is too embarrassed, considering his new reputation, and keeps making excuses.
We fade out, and back in to Arya's rotting, eyeless corpse. A moderate breeze brings the stench of decay to Jaime's nostrils. The disgusting smell of Arya's putrefying flesh makes the blood exit his gentleman's area and he is finally able to pull out from the wall.
He blinks. He looks around.
"Ehhh" he shrugs, and continues banging the wall.
Credits roll.
Episode 2: Title TBD
Danaerys dies offscreen of an infected toe.