You will never see this in any book on bears, but there are some bears who are absolutely susceptible to another form of persuasion. It's not PC to discuss it, but who cares about sensitvity when lives are at stake.
I'm not talking about prostitution. This is not to say that bears are not susceptible to the art of feminine wiles (or male, because, you know, bears are like any other mammalian species... and again, we are talking solely about male bears here. Female bears are known to scoff in disgust and roll their eyes when a male offers prostitution in exchange for not being eaten. The female will usually be offended that they would have to resort to something like that, and in any case could do a LOT better than you without paying for it. Your only hope there is that they are so annoyed that they just walk away, muttering to themselves, then share the story with their female friends. They may add some details that did NOT occur in the encounter, nd let e tell you, fellas, they will NOT be generous. However, one's backwoods reputation for endowment is a small (or in some folk's cases, quite large and above average) a thing to trade for not being eaten by a bear.) but bears are quite picky and do not typically cotton to the type of female who spends time in the backwoods of america (or canada... hell, especially canada. Why do you people still live there? It's warm down here, in the rest of the world. And by "warm" I don't mean 46 degrees.)
I'm talking about bribery. Let's face it, most bears have no proclivity for finances. As such, they are typically buying crap they don't need and could never possibly use. (I once saw a bear's den with a trampoline, TWO treadmills and a ceramic dog. Seriously! I used to wonder who would ever get one of those ceramic dogs on 'wheel of fortune' I mean, who has taste THAT bad? Well, I guess we now know!) So, not to put to fine a point on it... They could use the cash. Hell, even offer to sit down and draw up a financial plan for them that'll get them out of debt so they can finally afford that house in Saskatchewan (although they should be paying people to live there. Seriously! Because you can tell me how "beautiful" it is in a place, but nothing is beautiful when you have to freeze your sack off to see it. That automatically makes it worth plowing under and erecting coal mines. Just let the bears have it). If you have cash, do what they say to do in the city when accosted by a mugger. Throw the cash one way, and you go the other. Wait untl the bear has given chase to the cash, though, because a bear's natural instinct is to chase what is fleeing, so if you stay in his eyeline, then run, you'll have lost the cash AND most likely be eaten by the bear, which is the best possible situation for the bear. Also, since you know you'll be heading deep into the woods, take as much cash as you can for this very reason. In fact, borrow as much cash as you can from friends and relatives. Trade in your car, take a third mortgage on your house. consider robbing a bank or liquor store. Don't laugh! You'll gladly spend the rest of your life paying off a high interest loan or behind the bars of a prison knowing you didn't get eaten by a bear!
best case scenario? On the small chance you aren't nearly eaten by a bear, you can most likely buy a house or three if you go to saskatchewan. Or Michigan. (Seriously. Isn't the economic decline of that place enough of a sign that God doesn't mean for people to live there? Part of it is north of canada, which is an abomination, and shouldn't be possible!)
So that's it... the untold secret that can help save YOUR life if accosted by a bear. I know no one talks about it, but the poor financial planning by the entire bear species has cost them dearly. They've sold their own relative for their pelts and claws. They have to live in places like canada, or cold parts of the US and Russia (I keep saying... stop living there people! The second we just abandon places where its cold and let the animals have it, the sooner THE MAN will release their weather controlling technology, and the sooner animals will have to support themselves. We'll see how many bears kill us when we might be able to approve their loan for a 2002 kia... because seriously, who else would buy one of those things?)
Once again, we see that all stereotypes are true. PC may indeed cost many lives everyday, but it doesn't have to cost yours. Know the truth about bears. Just remember this acronym.
B - bad with money
E - Easily tricked into buying crap they see on hsn
A - Absolutely unable to see future consequences of current bad financial decisions
R - Really bad with money
S - Stupid.
Remember that, and I promise you'll walk out of the forest a little lighter in the wallet, but heavier in every other way, since you won't be dead, and in effect, weightless to yourself, in that you won't be responsible for hauling yourself around anymore.
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