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Things I've Learned From Timber Falls - SPOILERS !!!!!!!!

posted 16 years ago by jason_13
19 replies | jump to latest

1) When a nurse tells you to leave your gun in the woods, you'd better not do that.

2) Killers in the woods are always disfigured.

3) Ever since TCM 2003, sheriffs/deputies/cops have become very evil.

4) When a man who's being tortured for hours, is tied to a chair and is reaching for a knife, don't forget to ask him what is he doing.

5) Creepy ladies rarely act good.

6) When you hear someone breaking into your house while you're torturing a blond underground, you'll know the exact positions of the "enemy" and kill them in 30 seconds.

7) Where the hell was Chuck Norris?!

"We all go a little mad sometimes"
Anthony Perkins as Norman Bates - Psycho (1960)

[–] Sweet_and_Lowdown77 16 years ago

Lame.

*** SPOILERS WINTHIN****

#2) uh, the main "killers" in this film are NOT disfigured.

#3) How old are you? Since 2003? Sheriffs/cops/or deputies have never been used as bad guys before 2003? There are 100's of films where this is the case. If your film knowledge peaks at 2003's TCM we're in for some ignorance. ALSO... there was NO sheriff/cop or deputy in this film. CLYDE was a park ranger. (You gunna make fun of something, get it right.)

#4) Uh, there's no way the Blond, by the fact she was tied down, could see the floor and know what he was doing.

#5) Makes no sense. The best actress in this film was by far Ida aka the creepy Lady.

#6) This was SO lame. It's the baddies cabin, it's not the White House or mansion with many places to go. The guys breaking in HAD NEVER BEEN THERE and were going slow. And it was about 3-4 minutes of screen time from the time they broke in to when they got killed. And they were time cuts and any intelligent person would've gotten the idea it was more like 8-10 minutes of "real time."

#7) Just wasn't funny.

You want funny? how about... THINGS LEARNED IN TIMBER FALLS...

A) Moonshine is the duct tape of the mountains, used for drinking, selling, healing, stinging whip wounds and burning psychos trying to kill you.

B) Never take the mountain trail named after the title of the film.

C) When you and your spouse are kidnapped and threatened torture if you don't have intercourse... Have intercourse.

[–] jason_13 16 years ago

2) Have I said that the main "killers" are disfigured? This is the most retarded resposne ever. There was a disfigured, mentally challenged pervert who was killing some stupid chick at the beginning. WTF have you been watching?

3) Yes, it's been used before, but not in the way this movie does. It's a complete ripoff. The PARK RANGER (are you serious abot correcting this detail?) was obviously in it all as soon as we are introduced to his character. Much like the sheriff in TCM. You could tell this was supposed to be a surprise.

4) So? What could he be doing tied to a chair? I am seriously having doubts whether you're among the creators of this movie.

5) Makes no sense, because you believe she's the best actress in the movie? WTF? Are you a critic? That "actress" just sucked. When I saw her for the first time, I knew she's the "villian". Maybe it was intentional, but I doubt it - after all, minutes before her character introduction, we saw a disfigured maniac slashing his victims.

6) They weren't there before? You haven't paid much attention, have you? One of them looked for the main guy when the bad lady was healing him. As for time cuts - look at the main character's actions and you'll notice it's 5 minutes at most.

7) You ain't funny too, but still, you post.

"We all go a little mad sometimes"
Anthony Perkins as Norman Bates - Psycho (1960)

[–] Sweet_and_Lowdown77 16 years ago

The whole idea behind the "things we learned from..." boards (and I have done TRANSFORMERS before), is to make the comments quick, witty and fool-proof.

Your "things we learned" were lame and not funny. They weren't quick enough.

#2) When you say "killers in the woods are always disfigured" uh, who did Deacon kill? He was the red-herring. The "Killers" were the older couple.

#3) There have been literally 1000's of films that use the cop is a bad guy (sorry to burst your bubble, but TCM 2003 ripped that off too). So that one was lame. And I find a certain irony that you are citing a film that is entirely ripped off (TCM 2003 is a remake of TCM 1974) as a source.

#4) The girl could not have seen what he was doing on the floor. I don't think I need to be the filmmaker to see that one.

#5) I'm not alone thinking that IDA was the best actress in film. Most of the reviews rave about her too. Click any of them and see for yourself.

#6) Which scene did you see that we didn't where the 2 Hillbillies were inside the cabin and knew where to go? The one hillbilly you speak of that was there when she was healing, did he go inside? Did he not looked shocked when he saw the fetus jars? Yes, he had been there (that's how he knew WHERE to go), but he never went inside and it was obvious he never had. And 5 minutes is still more than the 30 seconds you said in your post.

I think my "things we learned" are much funnier. But we'll let another poster decide. Chuck Norris? Seriously? Who finds that funny?

[–] jason_13 16 years ago

2) Who was the killer in the opening scene?

3) What I meant is that Timber Falls uses the very same formula with Deacon chasing the victims, the PARK RANGER shows up, the victims feel save and he turns out to be a psycho. Then the house, the torturing - are there really 1000 films with the very same formula? Wow, you've seen a lot.

4) I don't get what the hell do you mean.

5) Great, but I don't think so. If the actress was supposed to be a good lady at the beginning, she fails really hard.

6) Only one of them went inside. It's a horror movie. Don't bring reality out of it.

I think you're one those serious, anti social guys that suck at humour. I mean, you're telling me about the point of "things we learned" while debating about the position of the blond chick?! Get a life.

"We all go a little mad sometimes"
Anthony Perkins as Norman Bates - Psycho (1960)

[–] Sweet_and_Lowdown77 16 years ago

I suck at humor? Seriously? And the use of Chuck Norris has people rolling in the aisles.

#2) The girl commits suicide in the opening. No one killed her. Yes, the Disfigured guy was torturing, but he didn't kill anyone.

#3) And name a film which doesn't use formula. The category is "things we learned from TF", not from TCM 2003

#4) the girl was strapped to the table, right? the table was 4 feet off the floor right? Seems as though it's possible she couldn't see what he was doing. To beat this to death only shows how unfunny and vague your comment was.

#6) Um... Didn't you just bring reality into it?

think what you want, your opinion of me means nothing. i never said I was Bill Murray. (I still think my things are funnier) But Rule #1: When your jokes require explanation: means they aren't funny. When you contribute to a board, and your intention is to be funny, try being funny next time.

[–] 16 years ago

[deleted]

[–] jason_13 16 years ago

Bill Murray is your comic idol? That explains it all.

"We all go a little mad sometimes"
Anthony Perkins as Norman Bates - Psycho (1960)

[–] Sweet_and_Lowdown77 16 years ago

Comic idol? I didn't say that. But he is hilarious. I think you will find more people will come down on my side since you decided to bag on Bill Murray.

[–] 16 years ago

[deleted]

[–] legnadibrom 12 years ago

wow, talk about a killjoy

[–] silas_33 16 years ago

1) quite true. I don't see the bullets helping them anyway. he never really got back to his bag. he may have had it and killed the 2 brothers when searching for his girl, then they would not have tried to get him in the end.

2) of course, thats why they're in the woods.

3) only in the countryside. the ones in the city are cannon fodder, or involved in criminal conduct. that or supercops, with fast cars and the ability to shoot 9 bad guys in the middle of the eyes during a slow motion sideways jump over a par with a 6 shooter pistol while avoiding their AK-47's

4) i think he was going o show them his 'torture spot'

5) their not acting good is inferred in the fact that they are creepy ladies.

6) your wrong on that one, it took me a lot of searching and a bullet wound in my leg to get my intruders. I asked around on my "I torture random hikers for babies" chat room and the fastest time to find intruders was 3 minutes and 34 seconds.

7) you watched the end. That was Chuck Norris. Had to be. otherwise you'd have to assume that the people that made this would think we would believe that the guy survived burning then was able to track this family down while going undetected in a city in his scarred condition all while seeing random angelic people asking them to *beep* him.

[–] victoryismineblast 16 years ago

Things I learned from Timber Falls:

1)Drink your tea

2)It's easier to be branded by a red hot poker, whipped to within an inch of your life, slashed and used as a human pincushion by various gardening tools than to have sex with your supremely hot unconscious girlfriend.

3)That moonshine /duct tape analogy was great... can you imagine what would happen if Cloverfield and Chuck Norris had a Godilla/Mothra style battle right in downtown Timber Falls, and then they sent in MacGuyver with a case of the stuff?? Now THERE'S your sequel.

"I admire its purity, a survivor, unclouded by conscience, remorse, or delusion of morality."

[–] 16 years ago

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[–] f_f_f_101 16 years ago

I don't care if it's a horror movie or not. Mike is short for Michael, this isn't a horror movie, it's the first credited movie that was written by a bunch of monkies. Mike is short for Michael, I thought about 98% of the world knew this, but no. I need clarification so I look on credit cards.

[–] Sweet_and_Lowdown77 16 years ago

Anyone curious... go to the "You called me Michael..." board that f_f_f_101 started to see him utterly exposed and humiliated on this point.

Do you think he meant "Monkeys" or is "monkies" something new?

[–] mpstjohn 16 years ago

4)If rednecks straight out of Deliverance stumble upon you getting it on, naked, with your girlfriend in the woods, the worst they will do is make you drink moonshine

5)The natural response to almost being raped is making your boyfriend get rid of the bullets for his gun

6)Within hours of almost being raped you'll desperately want to have sex with your boyfriend again and then sneak away from your boyfriend and skinny dip

7)When you're captured by the local evangelical rednecks and their mutant kid don't count on the rapist hillbillies to save you

8)After having giant nails driven through your hands you can still move all of your fingers no problem

[–] SBL84 15 years ago

There's only one real thing I learned from this movie.

Kidnapping, assault, torture, extortion, rape, and murder are all fine, but premarital sex and swearing will lead you to burn in hell.

[–] silas_33 13 years ago

you just figured out the doctrine of pretty much every major religion.

[–] Sweet_and_Lowdown77 12 years ago

which was exactly the point of the film.