Well she showed it as it was but does she see it for what it was?

So I wasn't the only one who reeled aghast at the riding around a safari having a "family" outing with a married woman's children and her husband. And when she says he told her he fantasizes that his children with his wife are her children with him. She says this like this is romantic rather than just disgusting. She seems like an intelligent woman but at 42, or any age, how delusional. It was very difficult not to view her as bordering on the sad and pathetic in that moment. Also she made a point of saying the married South African told her when they started their affair he didn't love his wife. He's just stuck with her. She believed all that? Even when it came to a head it never occured to her what she meant or rather didn't mean to him. He got angry and upset (seemingly at her and not himself) at being caught and chose his family. He didn't choose her. He didn't even want to openly discuss her with the woman he was in the more serious relationship with..ie his wife. He left it to his wife to start sending her emails enquiring about who she was and if she was having an affair with her husband. Shows what type of man this really is not just with her but with women. Also shows the disregard she has for this woman in the ~way~ she says she didn't bother to acknowledge her. He should've been the one to tell her, that's his job, but she also sounded very much like well that is HER problem while at the same time lamenting about not hearing from this woman's husband and how she wants to call him and he can't take calls because he's been caught in the affair. I laughed. She never picked up that this is just an average selfish A-hole two timing his wife and lying to her about his home situation so he can get his leg over whenever it was convenient for him and conduct a romance strictly on his terms. She was the one operating on his schedule and being available at his convenience without the same being true about him. She was never a real part of his life hence he could tell her whatever he wanted. She did not come across as free to me. She revolved around this married man (she admits this in the first or second hour) and never seemed to show even any remote curiousity in who his wife was, or in verifying any of what he was telling her about himself and his life. And why did she revolve around him? Because she wants him, she wants him, she wants him. The perpetual state of wanting not having. This state even professionally affecting her to the point she lines up her jobs around making herself more available for half hours in hotel rooms. His pesky wife didn't go out of town on business quite often enough as maybe ideally he would have been sleeping with her in the bed he shares with his wife, in her home and she could picture herself having breakfast with him and his children with the wife's picture on the wall? She didn't even invent a fake name for his wife. She was a nameless and faceless mythical creature of whom her lover told elaborate stories. But even mythical creatures get given names and are often illustrated.

Then Patrick. It is not as if she didn't have a contrast to compare with. Unlike her lover he was not hiding his face from the camera, he wasn't going under a pseudonym and he was okay even after hesistation to be in her film. He would compromise. He gave as a person who is in any friendship or relationship would. I don't know if anything about her or her appreciaton of him or her advancement to being "happy" (like everyone she's searching for what this is) would have changed if she had successfully had his baby. And on the otherhand what if she had gotten pregnant with the lover as was her other intention? Who is this man that he was risking this and would have left her the raise that child alone on the other side of the world and devastate his family with him having a kid outside his marriage. An indication also of who she is that she wanted to get pregnant with him even though he had told her he "didn't want anymore kids" which I also read as he didn't want a baby with her. Well obviously, because that is not her function in his life. He has commitment with the wife and his children. She was attractive as the responsibilty and commitment free release. Unlike Patrick who did want a child with her. And wanted her to live with him. Even despite it being difficult, requiring of financial investment and stressful he was committing himself. But the one she loved? The one who didn't love her and where it counted always demonstrated that.

The thought I had was her unavailable and unattainable men were Sex and Poetry. Maybe this lover was an exotic man with a "hot body" and this was the intoxication. Intoxication not love. Because how can one love someone who switches one on and off like the amusement on a remote controlled television like that? When a man who is married or otherwise committed strings a woman along and she has no idea he is in a relationship because he is hiding it from her that's one issue. But in both situations it's the man who has compartmentized the women and controls them seperately in that way, contains his lies that way. He initiates and orchestrates the whole situation and he has the power through manipulation of his various partners through dishonesty. But she was fortunate enough to know he was married from before it even started so what was she hoping for besides what happened?

One can't discount that she comes across sometimes as selfish, immature and self gratifying without looking at consequences to others or even herself with regards her love affairs. She did seem a little selfish and self-centred in her friendships too. Maybe I wouldn't have thought that without it seeming apparent in her love relationships? Anyway luckily she had really great friends and family who seemed to be able and willing to give hours to listening to the same old story about her love life, while missing appointments and phone calls, and giving sound advice that they could see was just falling hard on deaf ears. The best comment came from Ben who laughed and said "This (ie your life) is turning into Sex and the City 2". Hilarious and surprisingly accurate. And as usual she didn't see this.

This is just one aspect of her life she was showing but it went a long way to understanding why she was having the struggle she was having and worrying herself over. The childhood sexual abuse (as she says a few times) may have affected her more deeply than she or anyone would have realized with latent effects contributing to how she sees herself and sees the world. There are plenty of single women, some of them shown in her film, who are on their own and doing fine and facing life's challenges in a world that still favours men and can be much tougher on women, most especially single women.

Anyone else also wonder if her father having been in real estate is the one who gifted her that swanky loft apartment in NYC? She talks about money a couple of times (well a few) and I thought about this. Initially I thought she must be very well off or have done fabulously financially with her business/career to have those accomodations. Or she must have had some really unusual luck or circumstances to have ever afforded to buy or even rent a place in NYC like that on her own. She mentions she's had it a long time (20 years so since her 20s) so her father maybe did provide it for her?