A very, very, very cynical review. (Very)
Oh. My. God.
That's all I'll say.
*SPOILERS* ... [Not that there's that much to spoil.]
After just watching this film, I really have to say, I feel like I've just wasted an hour and a half of my life. Well, no, and hour, considering I skipped a lot of the dragged out parts.
...
Having seen Snakes On A Plane, I assumed this would be some form of parody of it. So I went and bought it. I come home, and start to watch it.
Being used to Airplane and Naked Gun-style comedy, the opening made me realise it WASN'T a parody at all.
So... a serious film about Snakes... on trains.
Ok. Slightly doubtful, but I thought I'd give it a shot.
And from there, it slithered oh-so-metaphorically downhill.
After watching the pointlessly long credits and a segment where the two main characters (I couldn't even be bothered naming them) speak Spanish. Yes. See the problem is I don't speak Spanish. And I don't want to watch 2 people speak back and forth in fluent Spanish for 10 minutes, unless you want to provide some form of subtitles?
So at this, I begin to fast forward. 20 minutes in, still no train. No snakes.
After a whole lot of non-sensical blabber about a luggage compartment and some and sobbing and crying, we're introduced to the oh-so-stereotypical characters that will be starring in the "film" (a term I'm starting to use loosely now)
... a typical divorcee (who just seems to laugh the entire way through his part... Yeah. Brownies AREN'T funny), some rowdy teens that say "dude" a lot (and manage to think a snakes is a iguana), 2 girls with a 'secretive' past (Ooo. I'm so interested.... No. No I'm not. See, the fact is, Crystal is a TARD), an ex-Narcotics rapist cop, a suspicious "middle-eastern" guy, a family of 3 with a young child, and a rather hillariously annoying conductor with a large moustache. (Who, quite frankly, deserves to die after he gets a little montage with "We have a run-away train!" repeated about 10 times..... "TWAIN!")
OK. So we have the general jist of the cast. Nothing interesting. But from what I could count, not exactly a "100 Train Passengers" ... bit misleading there.
And as for the set. Jesus. Terrible or what? Did anyone else notice the fact a different train seemed to be used each time on the exterior shots?? Hmm...
So. Then there's a whole lot of nonsense in the middle, lasting for about 40mins, as the directors try to "build up suspense." They failed. Horribly. I mean, I came to the sad conclusion that there was NO need for the subplots. So Crystal blew $3000 dollars. So there's a creepy Persian guy on the train.... SO WHAT!!?
Then, the snakes begin to attack ... Oh no wait, everyone has run away. Far from an orgy of violence, it's just a couple of bad actors running around and flailing their arms. Hillarious.
A number of concepts still elude me... Why was the train driver smoking a LIGHTBULB? ... Did this cause him to die for no reason!? ... Why did Frank collapse for no reason? Why the HELL did the woman from the dinning car pick up the phone, dial, and then talk like "Mr. James Sir" rang her!?!
Idiots!
So ... the train's out of control, there's a couple of snakes on the loose, and a few remaining passengers. How to resolve this plot?
Have the train eaten by a giant snake.
The twist? The giant snake is actually whats-her-face-that-was-really-ill. ... Alma. (The only reason I know her name is because her associate says her name about 116 times during the movie.)
Wow. Never seen that one coming.
... Now I've seen a lot of bad movies. But this one just wins, hand's down. We have an hour of *beep* subplots, 15 minutes of bad acting and CGI, and then... OVER.
THEN, the actors have the audacity to casually pick themselves up and walk off after the snake has been banished to some nether-dimension. (Just as if nothing had happened.) Why walk to Los Angeles? Did they not notice the perfectly nice CAR behind them in the background!?
Right. Well, you do have to wonder what happened to the other so called 91 passengers? Maybe they decided it would be a much better option to simply FLY?
I know there's such a thing as low budget, and I bought it for £3.00, but in all fairness, I WANT THAT HOUR OF MY LIFE BACK.
Such a good opportunity... wasted. They could've made a brilliant parody out of it, but no, making subtle referances to Snakes On A Plane by adding in "motherf__cker" every so often is NOT a parody.
... Last point. You know what disgusts me the most? They left it open for a sequel. That really just adds salt to the very open and very infected wound.