Y'all know the drill.. Here's mine..
1. If you're a douche, ex-lovers will haunt you in the future. Ghosts of not dead people will appear before you. Then you'll have a parody of A Christmas Carol happening to you.
2. Breaking up with 3 people at the same time is possible.
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3. miscasting a movie in every possible position can ruin an already terrible movie even more
but guess thats not really news
4. You can not play Yenga with a wedding cake
5. Everybody gets a turn with the bridesmades
6. Personalized plates are not always cool
7. If you destory the bride's cake, she will be mad. BUT if you take one bite accidentally, she will LOSE it.
8. Peripheral vision is a work of art.
9. The very first person you had sexual congress with will haunt you in the future if you are a douche.
10. If you dont get married you'll die alone
11. When you go to a wedding you are due 'wedding sex'
12. Men are b*stards and need woman to tell them that they are wrong.
13. Americans only get married in giant houses (snow optional).
14. You're uncle that turned you into a sexist will some back and inexpliably tell you he was wrong - although he hasnt changed - and he wont tell you why you should change your happy life for a life of spooning
15. Being a photographer means only pushing the release button once without even looking at the camera.
16. If you're as old as Michael Douglas you can just go to some strangers and ask for something really naughty - you can be sure that the hottest girl at the table will be into it and ask you to take her home.
17. When the $4000 wedding cake is about to crash, don't call for help. Try to get the most fragile object that's the furthest away with your foot.
I tried so hard to think of the next three things...but regretably I don't think anyone can learn anything from this pile of poo....
share18 - After "The In-Laws" and "You, Me and Dupree" , Michael Douglas shows that he forgot how to pick good movies to act in.
19 - It's never too late to rape a Charles Dickens classical.
20 - If you meet a successful doctor who happens to be a charismatic guy and good dancer, choose to be with the heartless jerk who already said he liked you once, but ran away minutes after he had sex with you.
21 - If you *beep* up your brothers weeding by: Giving a heartless/selfish speech in front of everybody, Hitting on the brides mother, ruining the expensive weeding cake and revealing to one of the best frinds of the bride that the husband already cheated on her,,, all you have to do to fix things up is to knock her father up in front of her and do a 2 minute cliché speech.
22 - After "13 Going on 30" and "Elektra", Jennifer Garner shows that she still can't pick good movies to act in.
You wouldn't arrest a guy who was just passing drugs from one guy to another.
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24 - Your best friend that you have a mutual crush on will go and kiss some random guy if you don't ask her to dance.
25 - The very attractive Indian woman is always a lesbian.
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28. If your super expensive wedding cakes crashes the day before your wedding, no need to rush out and buy another. Your maid of honor will gather the mushy crumbs from the kitchen floor and press it back together. I'm sure your guests won't mind eating cake from the floor.
29. If a salad is served without figs, the proper response is to lose your effin' mind.
30. Only divorced women of "a certain age" keep their fine form.
31. Being a famous and wealthy photographer basically comes down to pushing a button. You don't have to be involved in picking out the wardrobes or setting the lighting. Just find a archery pro and your job is all but finished.
32. Apparently remote control shades are available. You wouldn't want to lost twenty seconds of face sucking time to shut them yourself.
33. Conference calls really do breed efficiency.
34. Old, golden cars that could be better described as a boat will have no problem plowing threw a few feet of snow and trees while speeding down a hill with no problem.
Join the cussing good times at http://mommalittle.com
23. You will never get back that 1 hour and 40 minutes of your life...next time, consider taking a nap, instead.
"I'm not poor or anything...but I eat a lot of spaghetti."
"21 - If you *beep* up your brothers weeding by: Giving a heartless/selfish speech in front of everybody, Hitting on the brides mother, ruining the expensive weeding cake and revealing to one of the best frinds of the bride that the husband already cheated on her,,, all you have to do to fix things up is to knock her father up in front of her and do a 2 minute cliché speech.!"
I am pretty sure he didnt knock him up. It looked to me like he knocked him out though. =)
Let off some steam, Bennet!
Wait, when did he knock the father up? That's really dirty... And impossible.
share73. It's okay to punch and knock out old people if it's important enough. No one will mind at the time and there won't even be a bruise.
74. If you don't subsequently obey the person you had sex with then you are a bad person.
75. Taking the morally righteous position is the accepted strategy for people who don't behave very well. Shamelessly misbehaving, while more honest, marks you as a social inferior.
76. Matthew McConaughey probably picks up lots of chicks by making these movies. Still, he's a long way behind Martin Sheen.
Re: Number 21.
By the way 'KNOCK UP' means to make somebody pregnant!
'KNOCK OUT' means .. you know to knock somebody out.
Tell sanchito that if he knows what is good for him he best go run and hide
35. Apparently Hollywood can throw any military call they want, even if it doesn't match the character's branch of service....(HOO-AH = ARMY, OO-RAH = Marine)
No concept of time, wide awake, lets dance! gotta love me!
36. Having a Japanese woman shoot an apple off a models head is a form of aphrodisiac and you're guranteed to get laid.
share37. A 30 something guy is capable of having dated/slept with a hallway full of women and still have a shot of self-dignity.
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40- Despite the horrendous being of this flick, Michael Douglas is still a legend!
share41 - The only thing that could possibly be worse than Matthew McConaghey's last movie is...the next one.
"There were no dollars in them days."share
"But sons of b****es, yeah."
42. It's fine to sleep with your best friend's boyfriend with absolutely no consequences. She won't even be upset with you when she finds out. However, she'll be so pissed at her fiance that she'll call off her upcoming wedding last minute. You two will continue your friendship like nothing happened.
share43. Matthew McConaughey will never learn to how to act in a film that doesn't have a the term 'chick flick' associated with it.
If memory serves me correctly he tried to act in Contact rather unsuccessfully.
"Mood's a thing for cattle and loveplay, not fighting!"
44. It is posible to manually click the shutter at the *exact* time an arrow is flying through an apple.
share45. You'll get nary a complaint from any woman you've just accosted, groped and fondled if you're totally cut and ripped. (Otherwise, please be ready to stand charged with sexual battery and assault.)
46. Once you've been typecast as a yuppie scumbag sleezeball, a'la Gordon Gecko, you'll never get to play anyone else for the rest of your life.
47. The *average* American woman these days wears a size 0-4.
48. Well of course there are *plenty* of retired military well represented among America's upper middle class.
49. If you got nothing else out of this movie, surely you got the public service announcement/product placement subliminal message entrenched in this movie: If Matthew McConaghey and Michael Douglas profess going through condoms like women go through tissue paper, you better get back on the condom bandwagon.
50. There are no fat chicks at weddings -- ever.
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51. Matthew looks terrrible in long hair.
52. Ever since he broke up with Sandra Bullock, Matt has managed to fall down to a B list level while starring in D-list movies while she wins an OScar
share53. Being frenched by a 9th Grader is preferable to asking the boy you've loved since childhood for a dance.
54. If you're a young Matthew McConaughy seducing a young Jennifer Garner requires having sex with a far hotter Emma Stone.
55. If one of your friends had sex with your fiance, its less important that your friends slept with him and more important that he slept with her.
56. Asking an ugly chick an obscene question will lead to her hot friend to sleeping with you.
57. Emma Stone, who's evidently incapable of not looking hot, and Christina Milian are the only reason to watch this. If you wanna watch a Christmas Carol parody that doesn't suck, just rent Scrooged.
58. A car accident killing your parents can turn you into a male bimbo.
59. Act surprised when the boy you turned away to french a boy you've never met doesn't act happy to see you afterward.
60. Matthew McConaghey is articulate (or so we're told).
61. Wearing your hair long and keeping your shirt unbuttoned showing your shaved chest makes you look like a gay pirate.
62: Connor Meade can take flash photos at a wedding, with neither a flash nor a wireless transmitter attached to his camera.
share63. If you're Mathew McConaughey, you don't even have to give a GOOD speech, just show up and basically say: 'I've come to my senses now so I'm all yours, you lucky girl.'
64. Ghosts from the future are hot, and don't speak.
65. Every woman falls in love after being picked up, and is shocked when she gets her heart broken.
"There are 2 kinds of people in this world, my friend - those with loaded guns, and those who dig."
"54. If you're a young Matthew McConaughy seducing a young Jennifer Garner requires having sex with a far hotter Emma Stone.
57. Emma Stone, who's evidently incapable of not looking hot,
Agreed on both comments describing Emma Stone!
and Christina Milian"
I forgot that she was in it.
" are the only reason to watch this. If you wanna watch a Christmas Carol parody that doesn't suck, just rent Scrooged. "
Or buy it. Or just do either for the othe,r later-released 2009, dead-serious collaboration between Disney, Robert Zemeckis, and Jim Carrey, "A Christmas Carol".
PS Dead-NO pun intended regarded ghosts!
Everyone have a happy new year..!
"And that's SHOWBIZ--kid."-Roxie Hart.
PROFILE PIC:Courtney Thorne-Smith.
MAGIC=Sarah Silverman.
53. People don't get gender-dynamics, as they don't see why the lead got the girls.
54. Social construct frowns upon a non-monogamous lifestyle, and thus his polyamorousity is deemed equal to Scrooge's greed.
55. The film appeal directly to women's ultimate romantic fantasy: Find a bad boy that you find attractive -> Whip him into a "nice guy"/submissive (-> Lose attraction -> Move on.)
No, and I mean absolutely no sissy talk in the Stabbin' Wagon!
share56. When one brother's about 5'11 (McConaughey) and the other's about 5'5" (Meyer), there's obviously a very strong family resemblance.
I'm sorry that the Coen brothers don't direct the porn that I watch. They're hard to get ahold of, okay?
and APPARENTLY, no lasting STDs...
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62. Matthew McConaughy's movies ain't worth watching, though dicussin' them might be pleasurable ...
63. Japanese are weird and the fact is by all means very well exploited in Hollywood.
64. You'll die alone if you don't get married.
65. The sex-addicted uncle with a strong resemblance to Robert Evans never wears his seatbelt. (Actually I kind of liked that one. I wish they would have done more with it, like have Michael Douglas die in an accident by flying through the windshield.)
66. When two leads are cast for a movie, they are going to hook up at the end no matter how lame the set-up.
67. The worst fate for a man in life is to have nobody show up for his funeral, despite the fact that he nailed more chicks than Wilt Chamberlain and Warren Beatty put together.
68. Women are not capable of having a life for themselves unless they have a man in their life.
69. It is always the responsability of the man to fix everything and show the women the right way.
70. In the US machism is what it is all about and Hollywood knows and people buy it.
71. If you don't marry and form the expected american nuclear family you are an idiot incapable of feeling love.
72. Having sex with many people makes you evil.
This is not a signature!
- Someone who grew up in Massachusetts and lives in New York can have a Texan accent
- Matthew McConaughey OD'd on fake tan for this movie
Hell is other people - Sartre
74. If the bride is acting like a huge psycho, everyone should be subservient to her in every way. No need for anybody to tell her she's being completely irrational and scary, or even to suggest that she calm down.
75. If you are the bride, you should wear a strapless dress with an industrial strength push-up bra to your rehearsal dinner. It won't look tacky at all.
76. Don't send chocolate. It goes straight to the hips.
77. When skanks approach your date and hit on him, give them your plate and pretend that you think they are waitresses. THAT will teach them! Not to mention, your date will be super impressed and will never want ANYBODY but you.
78. "When you wake up in the morning, I'll be there." What a guy...
79. A beautiful woman will throw herself at you when she realizes they she is the ONLY bridesmaid that hasn't slept with you yet!
80. Based on his lifestyle, Connor probably had a few STDs as well as some children he didn't know about.
81. In any film that has a wedding cake, it will be destroyed.
82. Don't tell a ghost you want to stay and see something, because they will punch you into where they want to take you next.
83. If you sleep with 200 women, every single one of them will end up being angry at you for not calling them back and/or having a relationship with them. None of them wanted casual sex back.
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