funny quotes - Jeff Dunham: Arguing with Myself (2006) Discussion

[–] Xenus_Lil_Sister 18 years ago

Peanut: "A business analyst? What the *beep* is that? What do you do, go to a business and go 'uh huh uh huh, you are a business"

Walter: *reading* "'Why is it I gag when I brush my tongue but not when I give my boyfriend oral sex?' Well, obviously your toothbrush is bigger!"

_______
"I shall kill you all with my FABULOUS gay powers! Hiyah!"
"Tom Cruise mates with shoes!"

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[–] mltigers13 18 years ago

Jeff: And you proposed to her?
Bubba J: No, her daddy did that for me.
Jeff: How'd that happen?
Bubba J: One night I was supposed to pick her up at 7:00 and I got there at 7:30 and her daddy was on the front porch with his shotgun and he said 'Hey, Bubba J! Guess who else is late'! [pause] I'm glad you're laughing someone had to explain it to me! I still don't get it!

"There's no such thing as stupid questions, just stupid people." -Mr. Garrison (South Park)

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[–] rocketman6975 18 years ago

Sweet Daddy: If we were food, I would be a fine summer wine that would be devine anytime.
Jeff: What about me?
Sweet Daddy: Every good wine needs a cracker.

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[–] robertwnielsen 18 years ago

Jeff: There's a lot of history in this city!
Peanut: Translated....old as *beep*

Walter: (talking about Indian women) All the women got red dots on their foreheads. What the hell is that?? You are here!

Jeff: Well, I'm happy to call you my new manager!
Sweet Daddy D: I'm what you call a Playa in the Management Profession...pimp

Jeff: You're a pimp?
Sweet Daddy: That makes you the ho!

Jeff: What if I said I do this only because I enjoy it?
Sweet Daddy: You the dumb ho!

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[–] Blackheart-Zero 18 years ago

Jeff: "What are you doing?"
Peanut: {Japanese accent} "Ah, speaking Japanese."
Jeff: "You don't know Japanese."
Peanut: "Yeah I do, 'Toyota'... 'Oh, Godzilla'."
Jeff: That's not right."
Peanut: "Oh, you're right, it'd be: {imitates terrible dubbing} 'Godzilla'."

Jeff: "What is wrong with you!?"
Peanut: "Too much Starbucks! Coffee, coffee, coffee!"
Jeff: "You didn't have any coffee today."
Peanut: "Okay, I admit, it was crack."

Walter: "Welcome to Wal-Mart, get your s*** and get out!!!"

Sweet Daddy: "Oh Lordy, I'm glad I'm goin' home in the suitcase."

_____________________
"Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?"- George Carlin

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[–] robertwnielsen 18 years ago

Jeff: Will you please tell everyone I do not abuse drugs?!?

Peanut: OK! Jeff does not abuse drugs....

Jeff: (interrupting) thank you..

Peanut: He's an alcoholic!

Peanut: Never smoked pot? Never smoked crack? Never done drugs? Then, how the hell did you come up with ME??

Walter: See this lovely young lady right here? This gorgeous young thing? Do you see her? Do you see her?

Jeff: Yeah.

Walter: Oh, well! All you can do now is run to the end of your chain and bark!

Bubba J (talking about NASCAR): It's a sport that's easy to follow when you're hammered!

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[–] whoseyourdaddy 18 years ago

Jose:I want to sing
Jeff: You cant sing!
Jose: AYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYYYYY!!!!!!

Peanut: He was a SIGNER! Think about this, they brought deaf peopel to see the ventriloquist!

Jeff: You were supposed to take him to the spa.
Peanut: I did take him to the spa!
Jose: He put me in the vegetable steamer!
Peanut: ITs the same thing!

Peanut: The elephant disappared! it just F*king disappeared!

Peanut: Hey! stop sign! Duga duga duga!

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[–] 18 years ago

[deleted]

[–] chewy_548 18 years ago

What the hells a signer? Whats a poeple

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[–] whoseyourdaddy 18 years ago

sorry i meant PEOPLE. and a signer's someone who does sign language for deaf people in the audience

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[–] 18 years ago

[deleted]

[–] kpant87 17 years ago

I can't believe you didn't finish the song.

AYEYAYAYAYA! I am Jose Jalapeno. You love jalapeno's you love me you do. You love jalapenos and I give my stick to YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.

hahaha.

and then..

Purple Bastard!
Mexican Condiment.

I do not use them.
And neither did your mother.

"Matt Damon"

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[–] 17 years ago

[deleted]

[–] nunya_bizniz 17 years ago

(I can't find the exaxt quote)
"What makes you think the girls/senoritas would want to listen to you?"

Jose Jalepeno: Jose has the stick!

Procrastinate now. Don't put it off 'til later.
-Anonymous

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[–] robertwnielsen 17 years ago

The exact quote was:

"What makes you think a girl would want to see you?"

Bob

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[–] black_stormraven 17 years ago

I liked the exchange about the deaf people in the audience and Peanut messes with the signer going "stoplight thank you duggaduggadugga" and looking up and down on stage. I almost couldn't breathe after seeing that!

And taking blind people to see David Copperfield. "The elephant disappeared. It just f* ckin' disappeared."

If man is made in God's image, than God is seriously messed up. - Syriana

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[–] robertwnielsen 17 years ago

I just like Peanut, period!

"Do a little tapdance, we got salsa!"

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[–] The_Gemini_Killer 17 years ago

WALTER
How the hell do you POOP a question? I guess you should listen from the OTHER END.

"I must admit, It makes me Chuckle Every time"

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[–] kaboom23 17 years ago

I like when Walter is talking to the construction guy:

Framing and drywall? Got anything for that dumbass? [looks at Jeff, looks back to drywall guy]...You know, we've got jokes for doctors and lawyers...framing and drywall guy? Not in our arsenal of snappy combacks...and we're not going home and writing any 'cuz what are the f-ing odds now?

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[–] kellyleighcrutcher 17 years ago

I like Jeff's dummies, but Walter's my favorite out of all of them. *My* favorite part in the show is where Walter's talking about his 'wife':

Jeff: So your wife's in town?
Walter: Oh yeah.
Jeff: She having a good time?
Walter: She always has a good time. . . pisses me off!
Jeff: She's a lovely lady.
Walter: She's gettin' old.
Jeff: Well, women age like fine wine.
Walter: She's aging like *milk.*
Jeff: You guys get in another argument this morning?
Walter: Yep!
Jeff: What happened?
Walter: I don't know. She rolled out of bed, jumped on her menstrual cycle and ran my ass over!
Jeff: Never heard it put quite *that* way before!
Walter: Oh, it even has a sound! It goes 'Nag na-nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag; biiiiiiitch, bitch-biiiiitch, bitch-biiiiitch!'
Jeff: How long have you been married?
Walter: Well, what is it now. . . . forty-six years.
Jeff: What was the happiest time in your life?
Walter: Forty *seven* years ago!
=================================
Every single time I hear this piece I crack up laughing.

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[–] AshleysAces 17 years ago

Walter: My wife and I couldn't find a place to park anywhere near this joint. And some jerk pulled up in a brand new mercedes goes right into the handicap spot. He got out of the car and theres nothing wrong with him. Don't you hate that. So I ran his as* over! I made an honest man out of him. Then his mother got out of the other side and started swinging her crutches at me. Took her out with the door.

What's the best way to end a fight with your spouse?
Hit & Run - Walter

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[–] Raye2345 17 years ago

Walter: How long've you been married?
Jeff: Fifteen years.
Walter: You'll see.
Jeff: See what?
Walter: Remember when you said, "'Til death do us part"?
Jeff: Yeah.
Walter: Later you'll realize you were actually setting a goal

Peanut: Look, I know I didn't finish school but that frickin' says 'Sa ntah ah nah!'

Walter: I used to chase skirts all over the world, until I got to Scotland, and, Boy, was I surprised

"Love means having to say you're sorry every fifteen minutes."-John Lennon

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[–] AsianButterfly20 17 years ago

Jeff: I've never done crack!

Peanut: Are you sure?

Jeff: Yes.

Peanut: Are you lying?

Jeff: No.

Peanut: See how angry you are?

Jeff: Yeah.

Peanut: It's the crack!

Jamie (aka Jay-Jay)
"My bottom will be the king of England before you!"

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[–] robertwnielsen 17 years ago

Jeff: Will you please tell everyone I do not abuse drugs?

Peanut: OK! Jeff does not abuse drugs!

Jeff: Thank you!

Peanut: He's an alcoholic!

or..

Peanut: Never smoked pot?

Jeff: Nope.

Peanut: Never done drugs?

Jeff: Nope.

Peanut: Then, how the hell did you come up with me?!?

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[–] Flyer_1983 16 years ago

Jeff: I've never done crack!

Peanut: Are you sure?

Jeff: Yes.

Peanut: Are you lying?

Jeff: No.

Peanut: See how angry you are?

Jeff: Yeah.

Peanut: It's the crack!

Jeff: There isn't any crack!

Peanut: Oh my God, he SOLD it all!

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[–] HughFreakinLaurie 17 years ago

SA-NA-TA-A-NA. What is this, a freakin indian reservation?

I know that I didnt finish school, but that freakin says SA-NA-TA-A-NA.

(something like...) I will never be happy again until I come back to SA-NA-TA-A-NA

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[–] ManMadeHell 16 years ago

Ahmed The Dead Terrorist:"Halooo! I am Lindsay Lohan!"
Ahmed The Dead Terrorist:"Silence!I Kill You!"

Jeff:"What is the last thing that went through your mind?"
Ahmed;"My ass."

Ahmed Rules :-D

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[–] C1270 16 years ago

ahha the sa-na-ta-an-na gets me all the time. its hillarious. and the jef-fa-fa =) i love peanut =) i love jeff dunham. he is hillarious

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[–] omoxus 16 years ago

Jeff...DUNHAM...Dot coooom...Jeff...DUNHAM...dot cooooom

Im the Alpha and the Omoxus. The Omoxus and the Omega

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[–] Buddy9324 16 years ago

Bubba J: You got one of them catch phrases?
Dunham: Well, actually, I'm a ventriloquist.
Bubba J: Oh. You don't eat meat?

Dunham: Do you have a drinking problem?
Bubba J: No, I've pretty much got it figured out.
Dunham: What's your favorite beer?
Bubba J: An open one.
Dunham: And how do you know when you've had too much?
Bubba J: I run out.

Dunham: When you go to these races, do you ever drink anything other than beer? Have you ever tried wine?
Bubba J: Oh yeah, they got this thing called Box Wine, it's wine that comes in a box.
Dunham: That sounds great.
Bubba J: Yeah, cause when you've had too much to drink you got somethin to throw up in!

Dunham: Yeah, NASCAR's very hot right now.
Bubba J: Yeah, everybody loves NASCAR.
Dunham, Really? I mean some people just think it's bunch of guys driving around in circles.
Bubba J: I know, that's my favorite part! They're makin a left turnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!

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[–] PrimmChickBB 16 years ago

I love the entire thing
my favorite part is the whole "Sa Na Ta Ana" thing....

i cracked up so much when i heard it....especially becuase i live in "Sa Na Ta Ana" hahahah

(Santa Ana)

when Peanut is saying he'd save a lot of time on traffic reports

"hey peanut hows the traffic"
"its 8 o clock n the morning everybody left the house at the same damn time.........call me back at 5:30 I'll tell you the same thing..."

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