My experience with Depersonalization. Advice for those suffering

Hey guys,

I just finished the film, and it was like a blessing from the skies to me. Most people I know probably wouldn't care for a film like this, but I took particular interest in it, because I feel like this film (or at least the first 30 minutes or so of it) was a mirror of my life, and I relate so much to it.

However, instead of Marijuana triggering my Depersonalization, it was Salvia Divinorum that triggered it. I've been undergoing chronic depression for the majority of my life, not to mention bouts of existential depression/crisis. Those things made it even worst. My actual Salvia trip was incredibly horrendous - without a doubt the most terrifying 5-10 minutes of my life. After I came to, I felt like I was sober again, but I could NOT stop thinking about my trip, because it was almost like I had experienced ego death and had seen what this life "really is." According to Timothy Leary's 5 levels of the psychedelic experience, my Salvia trip was no doubt level 5. Since then, I had been scarred, and every day afterwards all I could think about was the trip, and I'd ask myself all sorts of questions that made me feel like I was going INSANE, or that any moment now I would be sent into a permanent hell of psychosis... or that I would simply whisp away into the void and would cease to exist. How scary is that *beep* Subsequently, I found that the more I asked questions or revisted the memory of the salvia trip, the worse this feeling of depersonalization got, and the worse it got, the more research I did on mental illnesses like Schizophrenia and the like, and the more research I did on existentialism. As you may have guessed, the more research I did on these things, the more uncomfortable I got, and the worst my anxiety would get (it would get really bad at night).

What sucks the most was that yeeaaaars before I even had the salvia trip, I was already screwed up. I was always depressed, staying inside, not experiencing life - like Mathew Perry's character in the film - and this just MADE IT ALL WAAAAY WORST. I could go into so much detail about how horrible this is, but the film is explanation enough. A lot of my symptoms were similar, except that for me, the focus was on existentialism. To put it into perspective, after this trip, I was SCARED TO DEATH to read ANYTHING by Friedrich Nietzsche, out of fear that it might all be true. All of my creative passions drifted away. My social life died almost overnight. One day, I even convinced myself that my best friend in the world was not even real, and that this whole time he was an imaginary friend. lol. long story short - I was FU**ED UP!!!! haha. And I had panic attacks a lot like in the film.

The good news, though, is that I'm recovering at a rapid rate. I did a lot of research and a lot of soul searching.

To put it short, what's curing it for me are several things:

1). TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR DIET. Now don't go to the extremes. If you're a meat eater, don't all of a sudden go vegan. Balance is key. But get rid of all the proccessed and sugary junk you've been eating. Look up Jack Lalanne, too, if you don't know who he is. He's my new personal hero. The idea of holistic healing through organic foods is a new concept for me (I'm 21, for those wondering, btw). Right now in my library is, "You Are What You Eat," by Gillian McKeith, "The 150 Healthiest Foods on Earth," by Johnny Bowden, and "The Eat-Clean Diet For Men," by Bob Kennedy and Tosca Reno. I'm aware that some of these kinds of books are pseudo-science and are authored by so-called "nutritionists," and not Registered Dieticians. My remedy is that I am also taking a course at my University for Personal Nutrition. This will help me to take a more scientific approach and dispell the myths and avoid going to the extreme, but so far I really enjoy these books and I've had GREAT success so far. Right now, I'm in about month 2 of my 'eating-consciously' journey and I feel great. Time will tell if it's just a placebo effect or if it really helps, but I'll give it another 6 months to a year. So far it's been nothing short of amazing, and it's waaaaay better than taking meds, in my opinion (I don't take meds, fyi. I took Prisiq for a few months for depression, several months before I even had my salvia trip, but I made it a point to get off them ASAP).

2). BELIEVE THE SECRET. Again, I know this is also classified as pseudo-science. At first, I didn't buy into the secret or the law of attraction at all. Even now, I don't know if it's real. I'm not sure if I believe in the whole meta-physical aspect of it, but I'm starting to... IF the Secret is not what it says it is, it AT LEAST does SOMETHING to your psychology to make a huge shift. The biggest thing from the book/dvd that I got out of to help me with this disorder was the woman who had breast cancer. Her solution was to constantly say to herself, "Thank you for my healing. Thank you for my healing," as if she was ALREADY healed, NOT that she was in the process of healing. I started doing this, and OMG it helps. SOMETHING in your mind just CLICKS, and for me it was like that part in the movie where Matthew's character decides to smoke it up again and he says, "Is this all you got?" to the bong. It's that feeling of CONQUERING an obstacle. In my opinion, I think this is ALL it is. It's not a disease. It's not some sort of disorder. It's a defense mechanism. Understand that probably your brain is actually trying to PROTECT you from something. I could be wrong, I don't know, I'm no doctor, but it really helps me out and makes me feel stronger knowing that I overcame something HUGE that was really impeding my success (even if this feeling of conquering is delusional. Whatever! Delude yourself! Fake it 'till you make it. Accept that it'll take a while to get over, but just try to convince yourself that you already won. It's just a mind game, and even though it feels real, it's not real). When you're saying, "Thank you for my healing," sit down in a comfortable place and listen to beautiful music. For me, it might sound corny, but I love listening to the Lord of the Rings soundtrack or enya. It brings me back to my childhood, and I meditate on perfect health for about 30 minutes a night.


3). LIVE WITH PASSION. Do WHATEVER YOU CAN to snap yourself out of this funk. For most people and for most mental illnesses, you can't just snap out of it. I know. I've been there. But I think this is one of those things that you can eventually get out of OVER TIME by living your life the ABSOLUTE BEST that you can. Remember the part in the movie where Hudson went to all the doctors for experimentation? Throughout the whole movie, he was focused on getting rid of this disorder. Then, when he was working with the doctors, all he could think about was Sara. Do this to yourself. Try to distract yourself from the disorder, as though you don't even have it. Don't ignore it completely. But distraction, imo, is important in this case. For me, depersonalization felt as though I was totally disconnected from my body, my life, and the world around me in general. It felt as though I was thinking independently of my mind and that I was watching a MOVIE through my eyes or whatever, if that makes sense. At first, this terrified me, but after I started to say, "Thank you for my healing," I decided that since I'm already doing that I might as well have some fun with it. One thing I remember is that instead of getting scared of this feeling of being high all the time, I started to think to myself, "Whoa! I'm living in the Stoner's paradise! Every stoner in the world would kill to feel high all the time!" Obviously, I'm lying to myself, because I HATE the feeling. It's terrible. BUT, it's a mind game. I decided that I'd make it fun, since there's nothing else I could do about it really. Eventually, this led to having more fun mind games. I'd pretend like since it feels like I'm just watching a movie, I might as well make my life a BADASS movie for me to watch!! ha. So I started to do things I normally wouldn't do, ESPECIALLY the things I feared. I would say that for the time I've been going through this, I've done MORE things I was afraid of doing than I've done throughout my whole life, and every time afterwords, I'd feel AMAZING. It's almost like every time I could FEEL the victory, and I'd get more and more closer to reality and feeling grounded in the earth and in my body. There's a saying that goes something like this: "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyways." DO IT. Live by that. Live through courage. Get out of your comfort zone, and the funk will wear off. Also, If you're single. Go get laid. It helps. A lot. Ask Matthew Perry's character. He knows. lol

4). If you're not already, get into a SCHEDULE - SOME FORM OF ROUTINE. For me, I stayed in the house a lot. I slept in a lot. I was a night owl, and I'd go to bed at like 4:00AM and wake up at about 4:00PM. I didn't have a job. No life. So, I turned that all around. I got a job. I started reconnecting with friends. I wrote out all my goals for the future and tried my best to get EXCITED About them again. At first it was really hard, because I felt like crap all the time and had that glazed look in my eyes, but I did it. Also, It took me fooooreeeevvveeeerr to figure out how to cure my insomnia, but I eventually did, and I've never felt better.

If you're having trouble curing insomnia, do this:

Create a Morning Ritual and a Nightly Ritual. They should both be about 30 minutes to an hour each. If you don't have time to do a morning ritual, then wake up 30 minutes earlier, dammit! How bad do you want this to go away? Anyways, The morning ritual should be something very energetic that gets you EXCITED to wake up early in the morning. The Nightly ritual should be done an hour or two before bedtime to help wind you down for sleep. If you're curious about what my morning and nightly rituals are, ask me, and I'll post it up.

Then, right before going to sleep, do this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0nUED9O7Tlo&feature=channel

EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) is AWESOME. You can even use it to help you with depression and with Depersonalization itself. The most effective thing for me was doing EFT for waking up in the morning. I could NEVER wake up. I would always sleep in. At one point in my life, I even depended on my parents to get me up in the morning. How pathetic is that? I tried EFT ONCE. Did the WHOLE thing, 20 minutes. Never had problems with waking up again. It friggin' WORKS so well. Believe in it. DO it. The link I posted is FREEEEEEEEEE. You don't have to buy some shmuck's book online who specializes in ripping people off and taking advantage of people's sufferings. It doesn't take 2 weeks or 2 months or 2 years or 2 decades to start working. It will work OVERNIGHT. OVER. NIGHT. IN ONE NIGHT. YOU. WILL. SEE. A. DIFFERENCE!

Or at least I did. lol

Try it.

Hope some lost soul out there finds this helpful. I don't have the answers to everything, but I've come a long way in a short period of time with a 'dysfunction' of the mind that I feared would have permanent effects. I'm still not fully cured of this, but I'm cured enough to write a huge ass post about it. I'm getting better at such a rapid rate, and I wouldn't be surprised if this became just a distant memory in a few months' time.