Pumpkinhead V

[deleted]

I dig the treatment, I think you have a great idea. However, keep in mind, Pumpkinhead is a tool of vengeance. Vengeance incarnate if you will. He must have a motive, he isn't just some monster that randomly kills, there has to be reasoning, I think thats what sets him apart from other movie monsters.

that was horrible. nothing made sense at all. it starts out exactly like pumpkinhead 1. then cut to --- cheesy *beep* lines. the dreams are bad. why does she walk the woods at night that was random. she stubbles apon the pumpkin patch which is not a graveyard by the way... it only has one corpse in it. which is not in the pumpkin patch at random, its actually on the top of a huge mound that she would have to climb to get up there and why would she just be digging at random at night? HOW does she cut herself? it also takes more then just blood to resurrect the pumpkinhead. the old woman is a witch and she knows how to awake him not just random blood on a corspe. the body does not have bandages on it what the hell?why is the pumpkinhead killing... the creature only kills out of revenge... so why would it kill random people and when would it stop would it just kill till teh end of time or until HELEN died and is supposed to become the new pumpkinhead.... your whole idea so far is terrible and if anyone actually likes this, then you must also like bloodrayne and alone in the dark... just plain bad ... completely redue it.

TheSingingReviewer: I read your treatment and I dig it as well, but I noticed quite a few technical errors. I'm constantly working on screenplay treatments myself, I've done my research, and I've referenced screenplays of actual produced movies such as Three Kings or Jacob's Ladder so I thought I would give some pointers and share what I have learned.

Remember I'm not dogging your work and everything I'm telling you is intended as constructive criticism to help enhance your skills.

(1) Don't number your scenes. Should you write a feature length screenplay and a studio purchases the rights to your idea they will have their own writers rewrite your treatment into a shooting script. In the rewrite quite a bit will be changed up as some scenes will be added or some may be taken out. When the shooting script is completed then they go back and number the scenes last to indicate a linear progression of the plot. Numbering your scenes this early on in the process will not only aggravate the writers doing the rewrite, but it complicates the process as well. If a scene is to be added then they would have to renumber all preceding and subsequent scenes to the added content as they're working which only slows the rewrite down.

(2) Some of your sluglines are incorrect. Reading through your treatment I saw you got the gist of sluglines, but I also noticed quite a few MAN - NIGHT or PUMPKINHEAD - NIGHT. These aren't sluglines and they don't tell the reader anything about the backdrop for the scene. All the sluglines need to do is describe the location of the scene. They were probably overlooked unintentional errors as your were posting your treatment, but you need to be careful about this kind of thing. You don't include character names in sluglines either. All you need is to indicate whether they're interior or exterior, the location, and the time of day. Nothing else should be included in the slugline.

I didn't really notice you having a problem with this next topic, but avoid in describing in detail the layout of the location such as the color of the walls and the like. This is the set designer's job and a lot of newb writers think they need to do this, but they really don't since the set designer will decide upon the look of the location. If you want to emphasize a certain style or atmosphere to the location you can use adjectives to create descriptive sluglines.

(3) Don't include camera directions in your sluglines. I noticed some STALKER POV - NIGHT. Once again this isn't a slugline since it fails to relate the setting of the scene. What if the scene had shifted from the woods to a shack or a shoreline along a river? The director wouldn't be able to tell this with those erroneous sluglines. Camera directions are included in the action section. The general rule of thumb is that the writer shouldn't include camera directions at all since it is the director's and the director of photography's job to determine the visual elements to convey how the scene plays out. A writer should only include camera directions only if it is pivotal in the telling of the story otherwise leave them out. Should you decide to use them the correct format would be:

EXT. DESERTED SINISTER WOODS - NIGHT

POV OF STALKER: Slowly and patiently the CAMERA methodically gains on the fleeing man.

(3) A lot of your action sections are nondescript and unassuming. The end result is to impress agents and producers with the sheer brilliance of your work right? You need to do the best job you can in creating mood to really captivate your audience so you want to be as expressive as possible saying as little as you possibly can. What this means is you don't want paragraph long action segments, but you want to use as much vivid imagery as you can in as few words needed. Make use of a lot of adjectives and adverbs. I'll rework the first scene to demonstrate.

EXAMPLE:


EXT. WOODS - NIGHT

Out of breath, the man in shredded clothing hurriedly stumbles through the woods while clutching crimson wounds on his chest. Panicked, he whimpers as he keeps looking over his shoulder trying to spot the malevolent and unseen predator relentlessly stalking him on this morbid night.


I added just a few more sentences, but notice the significant change in tone. Now there's a feeling of danger and the sense of a threat which makes it more interesting. Put your writing skills to work and be creative.

(4) Characters who have dialogue in a scene need to have the first occurence of the their name in the action segment capitalized. Not every occurence of the character's name needs to be capitalized, only the first time it appears in the action. This signifies to the actor they will have lines; if the first occurence of the character's name in the action isn't capitalized then that character won't be speaking in the scene.

(5) Character's name above dialogue and the dialogue needs to be indented so the reader can easily differentiate between what is action, what is dialogue, and who is speaking. I'm sure you're aware of this and since the format of imdb boards doesn't allow for indentions while posting I just wanted to reiterate this point as a precautionary step in case you didn't know.

(6) Don't use "SMASH CUT TO". Some writers like to use SMASH CUT or JUMP CUT to imply really fast editing style, but this is erroneous. Regardless of the style of cut the writer uses a cut always takes place in 1/24th of a second, the amount of time it takes to switch from one scene to the next and it can't be done any faster than that. If using JET LI KUNG FU SUPER ON THE FLY IN YOUR FACE INCREDIBLY FAST CUT empowers you while writing making you feel like a literary badass then go for it. Yet, be warned that the pros, including the agents and the producers you will be trying to market your work to, consider it amateurish. Speaking of cuts...

(7) It is unecessary to use CUT TO as a transition in between every scene. Once upon a time, it was standard to use the words "CUT TO:" to indicate a change in scene. Nowadays, the cut that comes with a scene change is implied by doubling spacing and adding a new Slugline and CUT TO isn't used as much. The best time to use CUT TO is when you really want to emphasize the juxtaposition or shift between two scenes.

EXAMPLE:

INT - GAWDY FRAT HOUSE - NIGHT

NIGEL crosses his arms determined while staring down his sneering frat brothers.

NIGEL
There's no way I'm stripping down, you couldn't pay me to play strip
poker. I mean, c'mon, there aren't even any hot girls here.

His frat buddies smile at one another and then snicker. Nigel looks at each of them confused.

CUT TO:

Nigel, with an embarassed deep red blush on his cheeks, shifts uncomfortably in his chair at the table wearing only his underwear. He looks up defeated.

NIGEL
I'll call your 20 and raise another 20.


That's pretty much about it.

It was just an idea, I can re write it and make it truer to the series, still using Helen's obsession but insted of awakening it for no reason her husband gets killed by a group of people so remembering what happened as a kid and her obsession with Pumpkinhead she finds Haggis who awakens Pumpkinhead and he begins to kill them. It's more faithful to the Pumpkinhead franchise.

Pumpkinhead vs Alien vs Predator anyone? But who would would Lance Henriksen play?