WTF?! Just wow.

This actually somes up my thoughts exactly.


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Meg and I went to a (sweet-ass free) showing of The Mysteries of Pittsburgh last week, and I'm feeling very torn about seeing it. Don't get me wrong, as a movie it was a totally, hideous failure. In case you haven't heard of the Mysteries of Pittsburgh since Sienna Miller called the eponymous city *beep* (lol! it so is!), let me bring you up to speed. Based on the Michael Chabon novel, who I hope goes blind or dies before he sees this movie, a young man named Art, played by an expressionless Jon Foster, graduates college at what appears to be the age of 29, and spends his summer working at a book store in Pittsburgh until he starts work in Baltimore at some unnamed job in the fall. Is it at a law firm? Is it a bank? They don't really make a big deal about EXPLAINING IT, but suffice to say, it's something not so great, and Art's spending his hang-dog summer days moping and *beep* Mena Suvari in the basement on his lunch break. BOO HOO. WAH.

Ah, but then you find out that Art's dad (played Nick Nolte, who should have his agent taken out into the shed and shot a million times in the face) is a...mafia don? A Jewish mafia don living in...Pittsburgh? Ok, sure. I hope you can remember that, because every 30 seconds or so someone will mention that fact and Jon Foster's eyebrow will raise slightly and you will KNOW DOESN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, OK? Art's mom died in a car bombing gone wrong, so needless to say their relationship is a little strained. Though maybe I WOULD need to say that, because Jon Foster's face looks EXACTLY THE SAME no matter is going on: arguing with his father, taking what appeared to be two Smarties and then throwing up in the bushes, romancing Sienna Miller, you name it. I would say Jon Foster can't act his way out of a wet paper bag, but since that's what his face LOOKS like throughout the entire movie, I would say that's a slim possibility.

Which bring me to the two reasons this movie was so putrid: 1) This movie tries to be a coming of age story, a gangster movie, a love triangle, a gay romance movie and a family drama, and in doing so, fails at each and everyone one of those categories, and 2) Jon Foster's stupid Nicole-Kidman-on-a-Botox-bender completely-unlined-face.
That being said, as a comedy, it was the funniest movie I've seen in theaters since Wicker Man.

Here is some sample dialogue between Art and his mafia don father:
Nick Nolte: "I can't believe you are spending your whole SUMMER working at a book store and hanging around thugs. (Note: can a *beep* mafia don really get made at his son for hanging out with thugs? No? O great, just checking that I hadn't gone retarded in the past hour and a half)
Art: Dad, let me just have my SUMMER, ok?
Nick Nolte: You are wasting your whole SUMMER, when you should be taking that test that you are taking for some reason.
Art: Let's just eat this SUMMER squash and listen to SUMMER Lovin' from the Grease soundtrack, OKAY?

When Art first spends time with Sienna Miller (read: eat cherry pie at a kitschy diner, YOU HACKS), she interrupts his nonsensical rambling to say "Tell me something you've never said out loud before. If you do, it will make this moment unique. It will make it indelible". O RLY? The only thing indelible thing about this moment will be the stain I leave on the screen after that line made me projectile vomit all over it.

Peter Sarsgaard, as Jane's wild card boyfriend Cleveland, soon takes Art to an old abandoned factor that is billowing steam. NOW THAT'S A WILD CARD MOVE! "It's a cloud factory," Peter says, like the whimsical, devil-may-care vagabond he is. "It's been abandoned 30 years, but it still sends up smoke. No one knows why." It's been abandoned 30 YEARS and NO ONE know why it's still smoking, Peter? Peter, really? 30 YEARS? And not one person knows? That is a FALSE STATEMENT, Peter Sarsgaard, and you *beep* KNOW IT. Did I mention Peter's character is bisexual and has a mullet? What a *beep* wild card. Cleveland, Jane and Art soon realize they they are the best of friends, and the SUMMER sure looks up. OR DOES IT!?!?!?

It doesn't. Throughout the whole movie, you see Art study for that damn test like a thousand times, I forget which test is it, because it doesn't matter and I don't care. The first time Art goes to class, the instructor says, "This is a prep course. Prep for preparatory". I am not *beep* you, that is an actual line from the movie. Someone wrote that on a piece of paper, and paid an actor to say it, in front of a camera, to be recorded forever. The test becomes a theme throughout the SUMMER, and Peter Sarsgaard rips on Art for being a NERD: "The real test is, are you even going to take the test?" No, the real test is, can I sit through this movie without being propelled 20 feet into the air off my seat on top of a geyser of diarrhea, because that's what the dialogue is giving me.

Anyway, so, a little bit later, Cleveland and Art are enjoying beers and homoeroticism at a country home, and almost kiss when Jane arrives unexpectedly (Whose home is it? Where exactly are they? Why did Sienna Miller's character stop to pick up salad fixings on the way home from the airport? I. DON'T. KNOW.). That night Art sees Cleveland and Sienna *beep* and Art notices him spying. Meg and I were expecting a HOT SEXY 3-WAY, but no, that would have been far too logicaland awesome for MoP. After Cleveland screams at Art about whether he wants to *beep* Cleveland or Sienna (the answer of course being BOTH, you sillies!), Art and Sienna wake in the middle of the night (also, its night for like 3 days at this point) to walk in on Peter Sarsgaard *beep* AN UNKNOWN WOMAN IN THE KITCHEN. Who is this woman? Why is she there? How did she get there in the middle of the night? Well, don't worry, all your questions will be answer...IN HELL, because that's where the writers of this movie will be spending eternity.

Ok, so after the Mysterious Night Woman incident, Sienna breaks up with Peter and he disappears for a few weeks, During that time, Sienna and Blank Slate fall in love, and make sweet, well-lit love until one day, Peter comes back into town, and before you know it...
*Super Triple Top-Secret Spoiler Alert*
...they cut to Peter Sarsgaard going JACK NASTY on Art's virgin *beep* No soft lighting, maybe two smooches, no foreplay. I don't know much about anal sex (yes I do, I took a TEST on it) but it seems like usually there is more prep(eratory) work involved, beyond stilted banter and a peck on the mouth, before a grown man can start throwing his full weight into your anus. Then again, if Peter Sarsgaard came a'knocking on the back door, there is barely a man or woman among us who wouldn't do the same. Am I right ladies? Sodomy.

Now, if the whole movie was Peter Sarsgaard pounding one out in Jon Foster's ass, I'm sure we could have all considered it money well spent. But NOOOOOOOOO, we have to go back the nonsensical plot and wrap this *beep* up. Luckily things are discussed the next morning, and the two men use their well-honed acting talents to convey how confusing this must be for them, this forbidden ecstasy. Just kidding! Sienna brings coffee UNEXPECTEDLY! WHOOOOA!

Note to Guys Secretly Cheating on Their Girlfriend's with Their Girlfriend's Ex-Boyfriends
1) Don't *beep* dudes at your house when you KNOW your girlfriend has a key.
2) If you DO have to *beep* them, then at least have the decency to put your underwear on when you are done, so your poor girlfriend doesn't walk into to you asleep with your bare ass to the ceiling. In that scene Jon Foster's ass might as well have a giant neon sign pointing to his anus saying, "THERE IS WHERE YOUR TWO BOYFRIENDS BECAME YOUR ONE BOYFRIEND."
3) When you run outside, still pulling up your pants, try to have at least SOME expression on your face as you apologize to the woman who you said you loved for letting her ex drop a load in your *beep* JON FOSTER, I'm talking to YOU HERE, YOU *beep*
The best part about this movie-going experience is that everyone went *beep* clapping and shrieking, when Sienna Miller walked in with coffe and bagels and (I'm assuming) the smell of man sex hit her full in the face. I know I personally was screaming, "O DAMN!" for 30 seconds straight. Any who, Sienn runs off to be a professional violinist (I just don't have the strength to even address that) and Sarsgaard confesses to Art that he needs Art's Mafia Donawitz father to get him of a pickle regarding some gambling debts and two broken knee caps, and Art complies. Ah, what it must be like, to be a young man with an unlined face who finds out that gangsters are trying to kill the man who you just went gay for? The world may never know, because Jon Foster sure has no *beep* clue how a man in that situation should feel, or more precisely, what that man's FACE looks like. To make a long story short: mafia absolution, jewelry theft, and a snuggly motorcycle ride later, Cleveland and Art on on the lam.
I know what you are thinking: well, the only thing that makes sense at this point in the movie is to have a deadly serious, 5 minute long motorcycle CHASE SCENE. Well, you're in luck. Because that's exactly what happens. All of sudden, out of nowhere, like 10 cop cars are endlessly speeding after Peter Sarsgaard and Jon "Slack-Jaw" Foster on a wide spree through Pittsburgh. Did you know that a motorcycle is always faster than a cop cap, no matter how long the chase may be? Neither did I! DER!

So, of course, where would two pseudo-gay quasi-mafiaosos flee to in an attempt to escape the police? That's right, THE CLOUD FACTORY. The *beep* cloud factory. Which Peter Sarsgaard promptly climbs up, and of course, JUMPS OFF OF TO HIS DEATH. Right. Of course. Sure, why not. Except...there was that safety net there before, which actually saved Jon Foster from fal...no? No, we aren't going to address that? I only bring it up because it seemed like you guys made a point to show....Ok. Well, alright. Fair enough. I am seeing this movie for free.
Finally, after telling off Nick Nolte, Art walks off into the final scene, carrying his knapsack into a golden, slow-motion train station, and into a future ripe with promise for a man with the ultimate pokerface. Where is he going? What is he going to do? What has he learned? That's not for you to know, silly audience member. Aall you need to know is that he has had one hell of a summer, AND that he's "finally getting out of Pittsburgh." Honest to god, that is the last *beep* line. It isn't supposed to be a joke. As Meg put it, "People are laughing at all the wrong parts."

That scene just seemed so random. Now mind you, I hadn't read the book, so maybe there was more to the story. But I was just kind of saying "wtf" at that moment. It took me out of the film. It seemed to me that they threw that scene in for shock value.

I would never have guessed that true romance and Detroit would ever go together.