72. If you have no money, but your kid has cancer, there is a dilapidated mansion with "a past" out there waiting for you. Just ask your real estate agent.
73. Once you move into this house, don't bother painting or cleaning, because then it won't be as creepy. And please, don't explore--leave some rooms unopened. (It'll be better for the plot.)
74. If you're making a horror movie, one of the parents needs to be some sort of alkie/druggie with a heart of gold. Copyright Stephen King.
75. If one character is a kid with cancer, make sure he has a sense of humor about it & makes cancer jokes. Kids who are afraid or pissed off about dying are just plain snivellers. Borrrrrrring!
76. Have some hot, teenage girl-flesh in the movie, esp if your female lead is getting a little long in the tooth and thick of the thigh. And make sure the teenager has a shower scene, even if there's no nudity. You know, for later.
77. If your female lead is getting a little thick of the thigh, stick to facial close-ups. It's easier to sculpt the face than exercise or fight the great god Metabolism.
78. If you have a bunch of dead bodies with weird carved words on them, don't bother trying to explain what the carvings mean. Nobody will care.
79. If you cut the eyelids off a dead body, their eyes will be all white and blueish. Even decades later, they'll still be there, lookin' creepy.
80. If you embalm a dead person, it will turn white as a baby seal, but it won't decay. Ever.
81. Or stink.
82. Lots of people move into houses that have rooms that they have no key to. I have a mansion with rooms I've never been in because they're locked, and I've lived here 165 years.
83. A five year old girl will go into a creepy, dark attic if playing hide and seek. It's better than being found.
84. There are creepy, centipede-looking bugs in between floors in old houses, even if there's nothing to eat there. Termites are too hard to photograph, and they aren't scary or gross enough, anyway.
85. If you want to show an adult who's mad, show him playing crappily on a crappy Strat copy. Make sure he sets the crappy (of course) booze bottle on the amp to show he's reliving his youth. Sor un perdidor, baby.
86. If you meet a minister in a cancer ward who claims he knows what-all about ghosts, believe him. There's no way he could be looking at your teenage son's crotch or anything. Ghosts are real, people!
87. Mediums puke ectoplasm. It's a scientific fact.
88. If someone is all carved up with weird words and symbols in one scene, he will be significantly healed in the next scene, which is only maybe an hour later.
89. When you rush the above person to the hospital with the above carvings, they'll put him in a room with an obvious mental patient. Though he might not be real, because he knows your poem.
90. If a dad tries to enter a burning bldg, every single fireman and/or cop will try to stop him, leaving an opening for the mother to run in.
91. That mother is strong enough to bully-push open a door. Seriously. Some mothers pull burning cars off their kids. Firemen with axes can't compare. They'll just let the kid burn. I mean, he was the one that stayed in there, no use risking their lives. Dumbass.
91. Some ministers look just like Stabler on Law & Order SVU. If you sit far enough away, you could probably even use this movie as your Stabler fantasy.
92. I ain't afraid of no dark, rusty dumbwaiter. In I crawl.
93. Basement floors aren't cold! You can do shirtless sit-ups with out that shocking AGGGGGGH! thing when you hit the freezing tile.
94. When mortuaries are closed down, they always leave their equipment, and their most scary tools, in the place for people to find decades later. The mortician, long dead, gets a real kick out of it.
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