what i have learned from mutant chronicles - Mutant Chronicles (2008) Discussion

[–] djphil 16 years ago

you my friend are outrageous and out of control. by reading this list i am ejecting this movie out of my DVD. im 20 minutes into it and feel like puking not because of the mutants razor sharp hands cutting through flesh its because this movie just sucks....even though this movie sucks im not going to rate it just because i didnt finish it.

~Can't Take a chance without a risk~

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[–] TheEnigmaticRonin 16 years ago

I cant belive it's rated 5.8!??? wtf!? it's not even a 3.

" Look, there's two women fuc*ing a polar bear!" - Fear And Loathing in Las Vegas 1998

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[–] Darknessviking 10 years ago

this comment made me laugh :D funny :)

also the person that wrote this:

"46. Necromancy doesn't change the fact that Ron Pearlman has a few gorillas in his family tree. "

so funny

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[–] deadclock 16 years ago

16. A book is not a good shield

17. If you can't find your keys make swords that can replace your keys. Now you can start your rocket ship AND kill things.

18. Water underneath a rocket ship does not boil when it takes off. Even if the rockets are really really hot.

19. Eventually Corporations will eventually rule everything and be divided on cultural differences.

20. If Miho loses her sword only give her a knife and not you're pistol...or the extra sword from the other chick... She's only going to die anyway.

21. Use Mario Brother's games to help you plan your control room. It's not a cool walkway unless it has it's own needles flame thrower and part of it twirls making it hard to cross.

22. Chicks will screw you if you give them a ticket out of town.

23. Airplanes will not only run on coal but soon will have escape pods instead of offering individual parachutes!

24. Parachutes in the 2700s will suck. It's best to use a building to slow down your descent.

25. If your world has been at war for generations and most of the citizens are trained soldiers/killers...chances are they will be completely ineffectual against mutants. However a handful of guys with swords is completely effectual.

26. Instead of trying to figure out how to solve your problems you should kill yourself and your children. A great recipe is crushed misc. pills and tang.

27. If you don't have two good arms you should just use the sharp pointy one to drag people.

28. Never trust a former coworker/team mate after he has been turned into the enemy

29. If your film is getting boring you should use an overly dramatic take off scene.

30. The best way to get some where is to go in the complete opposite direction. Flanking maneuvers always take the machine devil from outer space by surprise.

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[–] wu-tang-1 16 years ago

18, 21, 25 had me dying laughing mate. This movie sucked beyond belief and they have the nerve to make a sequel. Poor Thomas Jane.

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[–] nicknedev 16 years ago

31. Extremely heavy steam engines can take off and even fly in space! yay!

32. Mutants always attack when it's most appropriate for your team and will never surprise you when you least expect it, for example when descending into an elevator shaft, they will always show up after everyone, except the guy waiting for them, to get on the rope.

33. Old rusty elevators explode on impact with the ground.

34. Putting your "detonator" in any hole... I can't... type.... this scene just... too hilarious...

35. If you slice a mutant in half, the top half will levitate for a second or more.

36. Sticking a knife deep in your forearm wont prevent it from functioning normally.

37. Using dogtags of fallen soldiers as knuckle-duster is not an effective weapon against religious mutant. Seriosly.

38. If you're a mutant you wont be burned from a space ship that is taking off directly above you, however ordinary fire makes you FUBAR.

39. Black guys, as learned from countless other movies and proven in this one, always die first.

"Put the detonator in the hole!"
"Which hole?"
"Any hole."

ahahahahhoohohohuhuhuhuhuuaagagagagaffufufufufuflololololaaaaaaa... sqweee

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[–] wavemaninawe 16 years ago

As for 39... in zombie movies, the token black guy usually outlives everyone else. Sometimes even the zombies. ;)

40. Centuries old writings from the dawn of western civilization will contain current updates on local blueprints and geological schematics.

41. Rope doesn't take space in your bags.

Priests adore prophets, prophets resent priests

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[–] wu-tang-1 16 years ago

LMFAO for #40 that was one of the best replies. Keep em coming.

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[–] wavemaninawe 16 years ago

42. A necromutant makeover comes complete with free aircraft piloting skill. Despite you only having one good arm to drive with.

43. Contrary to popular belief, people will not try to get laid one last time when faced with the end of the world. They will get drunk stupid though.

44. Don't encroach on a black man when he's driving... you just don't.

45. Getting stabbed through the arm won't impair your fighting prowess. Getting burned however might... but not necessarily.

46. Necromancy doesn't change the fact that Ron Pearlman has a few gorillas in his family tree.

47. Having upheld a vow of silence for so long that you forgot why you stopped talking is a good reason to feel stupid.

48. Actually... dying together IS more intimate than phukking

49. John Malkovich and Ron Pearlman are brothers. Which probably makes Malkovich a gorilla too.

50. If faced with a doomsday device it's probably a good idea to destroy it when you have the chance, rather than (literally) put a lid on it and pretend like nothing happened.

Priests adore prophets, prophets resent priests

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[–] TwoMushrooms 16 years ago

51. A victim dragged and tortured by mutants will survive without food and water for six weeks.

52. Above said victim who happens to be the protagonist's friend will be always be dragged by a mutant far away from the rest of the mutant horde, making his rescue easier.

53. If you are a legendary hero who happened to defeat the mutants in the past and you have a device that can removie the 'Machine' threat altogether, do not use it! Instead, save it so that a prophecy about a chosen one can be created.

54. If you are a priest out to fulfill the prophecy, you will search for an army of 20 men but only find seven. Which is a very practical coincidence since there only are ten legendary swords to hand out, just enough for youself and your team.

55. It's been said before, but what the heck... yes, 'it', can be put in any hole.

56. Only one mutant knows how to operate an aircraft.

57. 'They' do not have a name.

58. A myriad of mutants can obliterate whole plutoons with soldiers but two hot chicks with swords kan keep them at bay.

59. There are no female mutants. How's that for sexism?

60. Female clerics are not taught to read.

61. If you pick up the torn pages of an old mystical book and the female cleric does not know how to read them, you will just throw the pages away. Do not worry however, because when trying to figure out how the 'bomb' works, you just ask the cleric for the pages and they somehow will be inside her pocket.

62. Have faith. Jump down.

"It´s not the dress that makes you look fat, it´s the fat that makes you look fat."

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[–] wu-tang-1 16 years ago

Great job hilarious on #61 i was cracking up. We thought we were the only ones who noticed this.

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[–] SeriouslyMike 16 years ago

63. An unemployed Philosophy undergraduate with no previous experience in screenwriting can make a better adaptation of a RPG storyline than a screenwriter with 11 years of experience. Provided he has read the RPG sourcebook, of course.

64. Pretending that you're making a movie is easy. Unless, of course, you film it like an utter idiot and then post the clips online so everybody sees you're screwing around on the job.

65. The so-called "Boll case": if you're an inept director backed by a nitwitted screenwriter, shelling out a wagon-load of cash on hiring A-list stars won't help you.

66. If you take only names and titles from a videogame/RPG/tabletop wargame and try to make movie out of it, sure as hell you'll be paid a visit by an angry mob with pitchforks and torches.

Mike Sterling
Stupid movies can be fun...But not all of them.

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[–] tonio-8 16 years ago

I actually liked the movie. But I think this thread is still hilarious. So...

67. If you have watched the movie from start to finish and you think it's pretty good because you enjoyed the rich cinematography and subtle humor and saw that the movie wasn't to be taken seriously, but only enjoyed, you are either an idiot savant, or just an idiot.

68. If two soldiers are keeping you from leaving earth, and you are faced with impending death, you should wait for someone else to do something about it.

69. If someone is flying around your ship, and doing stupid $hIt, and it's the end of the world, you should not shoot first and ask questions later, but rather you should wait until more dumb $hIt happens before firing a warning shot.

70. Long hair will prevent you from being an efficient warrior with dual swords. You should cut it so that you can be one of the guys.

71. If you have two swords, you should not give one up to help your fellow soldier, but rather watch as she is handed a knife to defend herself.

72. If I'm ever needing to get drunk during the end of the world, I should visit some Monks, as they may have wine stashed somewhere, and may be unwilling to share it with me because it is for "religious purposes only".

73. I have the right to pimp slap said Monk prevented me from having said wine (didn't happen but should have).

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[–] Oddb411 16 years ago

I can have a go at this:

74. When you see maniac, melee weapon wielding mutants rampaging across the battlefield at you do the sensible thing - don't fire your advanced rifles and bolt guns as soon as you see them - wait a while. It will be more dramatic that way.

75. 74 applies to howitzers also - it is against the rules to shoot enemy tanks whilst they are far away.

76. Jeopardize the mission - seriously... everyone's doing it.

77. Grenades are better than analgesics. Three out of seven hardened killers prefer them.

78. Mutants can't climb ropes. That's why they didn't just exit through the Cathedral... right... riiiight?

79. Sean Pertwee - Always the sergeant from Dog Soldiers... always awesome.

80. Common sense was correct - alien automated terra-forming and bio-engineering drone-ships do not come with a handy "Insert bomb here - bomb provided" option.

81. We win if we frell up someone else's planet. Yay us.

82. In the grim distant future there will be only war. And tea. War and tea. And terraced houses.

83. It takes five minutes to load an assault cannon. Then it jams.

84. Pistols only kill mutants if you have top billing.

85. Grenades kill the mutants that a ton of falling steel elevator just can't handle. But only the mutants.

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[–] sovazz1 15 years ago

86. If you have black people helping you, they will die first.

87. You can't smoke wet ciggeretes.

88. Women can kill a hundred mutants but can't operate machines.

89. Besides mutants, germans are still the enemy.

90. Hsve faith, in what? i don't know, just have it, it will save your life.

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[–] Racktorn 15 years ago

91. Mutants can travel thousands of miles across the high seas to America and Australia and drag back thousands of "impaled" bodies back to "The Machine".

92. Attacking "The Machine's" entry hole by air and long-range Howitzer cannons is useless against killing the mutants, but assault weapons and swords is the only way to kill them.

93. Include alot of F-bombs to give the movie some "street cred".

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[–] wavemaninawe 15 years ago

94. Monestaries from the lost world are coed, even though the gender ratios are somewhat unbalanced.

95. Not that it matters since the residents have managed to finally eradicate all of that ungodly devil-spawn known as libido.

96. In the 23d century, Germans have finally managed to out-badass both Japanese Samurai AND working class Brits. They're still not winning the war though.

97. Ron Perlman could really have benefitted from keaping up his Hellboy schtick in this movie... except then he would look like a gorilla with a hook arm, a stone fist and a tail.

98. It takes the end of the world and isolated, mutilated death to get Thomas Jane to stop smoking.

99. The bartender ALWAYS makes it out alive... even when he's black.

100. At some point in the distant future, people will learn that it's not only safer but also more cost effiencient and rewarding to show respect and allow others their space, rather than blow each other's heads of.

101. Unfortunately we will have to deal with semi-technological collapse, total depletion of earth's resources and the return of Satan before that day arrives.

I would so love to have seen #73. X-D

Priests adore prophets, prophets resent priests

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[–] crowe829 15 years ago

60. Female clerics are taught to read, not if their only job is to guard a sacred book
61. ,75 Of course you wait to fire. Its called getting the maximum range for maximum damage.

62. think that is called the zombie rule. To kill them you have to shoot them in the head. (It's amazing how the book describes how many body shots the mutants can take but none of the bullets hit them in the head)

91. Mutants can travel thousands of miles dragging thousands of bodies because they don't need food or water.

I haven't seen the movie yet but I read the book. I would have loved to have seen what life is like for the average person. Corp types live the high life without any fear of going to the trenches to fight in the corporate wars.
I don't know that this kind of movie needs a sequel. I think it should stand alone like Mario Brothers.

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[–] wavemaninawe 15 years ago

Relax, we're just taking the pi$$ because it's fun and because this movie isn't exactly Oscars material.

I own the RPG main sourcebook and used to play the game for several years. I expected quite the crapfest when I first hearrd about this project but was pleasantly surprised. It's not very faithful to the source material but I realizse that there simply wasn't enough time in a feature length to flesh out the MegaCorps and include the magic elements of the Art and the Dark Symmetry.

Still it's good enough in it's own right and makes enough sense to deserve the title.

I agree that there should definitely not be a sequel.

Priests adore prophets, prophets resent priests

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[–] oxymoron_02 15 years ago

66. If you take only names and titles from a videogame/RPG/tabletop wargame and try to make movie out of it, sure as hell you'll be paid a visit by an angry mob with pitchforks and torches.

Torches! At four in the afternoon!

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[–] 15 years ago

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[–] 15 years ago

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[–] oxymoron_02 15 years ago

93. When giving the universally accepted hand gesture for 'Stop', it's worth saying it aloud too just to make sure your group gets the idea.

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[–] oxymoron_02 15 years ago

94. Conversations carried out on a precarious ledge above mutants will not draw the mutants attention, even when on the verge of shouting at one another.

95. A mutant will not hear you loudly draw your gun, nor fire a shot at a stalactite. It will, in fact, not have a damn clue what is happening even when the stalactite impales it through the head.

96. Said stalactite/mutant hybrid will ignore inertia and miraculously not continue its descent onto the protagonist's friend's face, because that would be inconvenient.

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[–] lennys_here 15 years ago

Liked the movie myself but here goes.

97. Only one person will think to use the pointy head manipulator to release their shackles.

98. After years of not using vocal cords, speech is perfect.

99. <been said> A dagger will do what military hardware will not.

100. It only takes three slides and a small drop to make it down a 90 ft. rock face

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[–] meistershane 15 years ago

101. Whilst falling from an aircraft in an escape pod, you will always smash through buildings on a 45 degree angle - despite the fact that you are falling down, not sideways.

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[–] amad-ezz 15 years ago

102. when you are religious, you'll keep saying pray to god that it is or it is not .
103. in 2707 there are those cool plans that explode because you are feeling nervous .
104. I couldn't *beep* stand more so i just skipped to the end .. and what is cool about the end that the hole had water under it so he can jump into it , and after the ship took off the ground did not collapse .. and hey, people actually pulled this giant spaceship using ropes to drop it into the hole ..

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[–] deadclock 15 years ago

"84. Pistols only kill mutants if you have top billing. "

So Effing true. So true.

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[–] kountxero 15 years ago

105. You don't have to be literate to believe in the credibility of a book. Faith doesn't work that way.

106. Ron Pearlman can't catch a break when he's playing a priest or somesuch: The Name of the Rose pretty much stuck to him.

107. I'm not writing here to believe, I'm writing here to *beep* s*** up!

108. It's heartbreaking to see a mother say "What am I gonna tell my little girl?" when the said little girl is well within earshot and is probably hearing it all and is probably hating it all.

109. Going to great lengths and jeopardizing humanity's last hope to save Sean Pertwee is one thing, but you MUST shoot him in the head when he'll start reminiscing.

110. Apparently, pressing burning metal that has a bunch of x's on it against wounds is enough to effectively cross-stitch them up.

111. "Legion. Seriously, just Legion." (usually followed by someone inquiring if they remember your name correct)

112. When in doubt, pour some water on the floor looking all bad-ass, to demonstrate the slight slope of the room. This action should stem from your desire to lecture people about faith, not from any observation.

113. Having a grenade explode about a feet away from you won't hurt you... but it may give Devon Aoki a scratch on the forehead.

114. If you capture a mutant, make sure to keep it there just for a demonstration, which is reserved for "When the World is Overrun By Mutants".

115. You haven't seen "unexpected" in a movie until you've seen this. Because, thus far, it's the only one where the evacuation ship the child is put onto explodes right in the mother's face!

116. Ron Pearlman is that... Naichdeann or whatever's descendant alright: considering he spends most of his time lecturing hard-boiled soldiers on faith, standing around, praying and reading an obscure book. The only time where he displays any semblance of a soldier is right before he dies in the process.

117. The Second Coming never grows old... at least not in movie prophecies.

118. Actually, you can light up wet cigarettes - they just become more cumbersome, harder to light and harder to smoke properly and taste bad.

119. You know things are going to hell when the bartender packs up before your eyes.

120. You must kill to save. Seriously: you must abandon three people (two of them being at the end of a rope and the third holding the rope to lower them slowly) just to die in a heroic/dramatic scene, rather than actually help the lower to get down faster so you and your friend can jump down.

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[–] wu-tang-1 15 years ago

Hilarious comeback keep em going. Bravooooooo.

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[–] Halogenandtoast 15 years ago

120. A priests will tell your mom you're going to heaven if he needs you to hang around for no reason and eventually screw up every one's chances of surviving (especially if your name is Jesus)
121. In 2207 we fight off the mutants with swords and arrows and win
122. In 2707 we fight off the mutants with swords, guns and explosives and lose
123. Use arrows if you want to win
124. In 2707 we have very little resources, but companies can still make guns/bullets/explosives/ships/etc.
125. If you're a young boy living in the frozen mountains with some geezer that interprets morse code, you're bound to have to travel alone across icy ledges to deliver a message that the doomsday is coming
126. Glass on the bottom of an escape pod is a bad idea
127. If you are stabbed in the stomach, you will immediately start bleeding from your mouth and nose.
128. It the bad guys provide the bomb.... It's a trap!
129. If a prophecy requires 20 people, the prophesiers will only provide 10 swords
130. IF A PROPHECY SAYS 20 PEOPLE, DON'T BRING 9 PEOPLE OR YOU'RE ALREADY F'D

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[–] quarterdot 15 years ago

131. 700 years in the future and four HUGE corporations cannot come up with anything more useful form of power than coal and steam

132. When bleeding to death and wanting to die quickly it's wiser to use a hi-explosive grenade than a single bullet. Especially when crash landed and stranded in a hostile barren wasteland without supplies or extra ammo.

133. Hand grenades of the future appear to be nothing but a small "pooof" unless thrown at an enemy

134. WWI gear is redistributed from museums when they are found handy and useful during front line infantry combat

135. You use the biggest, meanest, most awesome badass cannon in your arsenal to blast off CLOSE range targets

136. When thinking of how to kill a mutant future scientists don't consider head shots a viable alternative to swording and multiple gunshots to the torso

137. Phuk rocket propulsion, nuclear drive and alternative future forms of power. Coal is STILL an awesome way to fly to space and off-world colonies

138. All mutants are nimble, fast and agile except the ones that threaten the lives of the heroes

139. When a secret society is founded to protect earth, they do no research on how to destroy the threat. Let alone figure out the sword tip - key connection. Hundreds of years pass and no one, NO ONE sees the sword tip?? IT'S EVEN A DIFFERENT COLOR/METAL!!!

Next please!

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[–] 15 years ago

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[–] lwa9921602-1 15 years ago

You know every movie has gaping loopholes. This wasn't so bad of a film. You just had to enjoy it without trying to dissect it rationally. So, you want loopholes?

1) STAR WARS - A NEW HOPE - you have to attack a death star with one man x-wing fighters cause only they can get through the force field, except when the hero is about to die and he can be saved by the Millennium Falcon which is pretty f-in huge.

2) T2 - Terminators have detailed files on human anatomy but don't know what human tear ducts are.

3) Terminator - The future is not set but it still helps to set the future by sending back terminators to alert the mother of the resistance to get prepared.

4) BATMAN RETURNS - It is easier to punch a hole through the bottom of the Batmobile with your bare fist(even though it is flame proof and grenade proof) because using the bat-acid you used against the Catwoman ten minutes earlier was too complicated.

5) KING KONG - It isn't very cold at the top of the Empire State Building even on a night when an 80 thousand pound gorilla can go ice skating in central park.

6) KING KONG - It's PC to feel bad for captured animals even after they've killed and maimed several hundred people.

7) Pirates of the Caribbean - don't even let me get started on this one.

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[–] go2madmax 15 years ago

140. Never, ever ask "Do you know who I am?" while being robbed at gunpoint.

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[–] iamdoingthat 15 years ago

141. Conveyor belts that push spikes through bodies will stop trying to impale you if you are the lead character.

142. Never throw a grenade through a hole if you can instead hold it close to your chest and stare longingly at Thomas Jane.

143. If a warrior priestess reveals that she cannot read, it is totally acceptable to scream in her face "YOU CAN'T READ?!?!"

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[–] LawTiger87 15 years ago

144. If you are deaf, you better be Spanish because English subtitles ARE NOT ALLOWED for this movie.

145. Lots of weapons don't survive until the year 2707, but at least we have all the cigarettes we need.

146. Die in this order, please: Blacks die first, followed by women, and then the male lead lives on.

147. The human race is about to be wiped out, but it's okay to jeopardize your mission to "show you are human."

148. Being burned really bad and losing a hand isn't really that much of a disabling condition when you think about it.

149. Need a parachute? No thank you, this building here will do just fine.

150. If you are Sean Pertwee you can survive 6 weeks of being dragged by the shoulder with no food or water.

151. Don't ever complain to Thomas Jane about anything if you are Sean Pertwee. He will blow your head freakin' off.

152. Rusty old elevators blow up pretty good if they fall a great distance.

153. A religion of centuries studies the Chronicles meticulously and when it comes down to it, to save the human race you must "Shove it in the hole, any hole!"

154. Always end the U.S. version of a movie with the alien spaceship leaving for an unknown destination --- that is a great way to keep up the chances of a sequel

155. Never use a book as a shield, it doesn't work that well.

156. Priest Mutants are pretty darn ugly.

157. Try to remember why you gave an oath of silence. Otherwise, when you break your oath you look pretty darn stupid when somebody asks you why you were silent and don't remember.

158. Always remember, for some reason firing a clip of bullets into the chest of a mutant will hardly phase it, but one or two pokings with an old sword will kill it pretty quick.

159. Mutants don't really need but one hand, that mutant claw is good for dragging.

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[–] stupid_genius713 15 years ago

160. The device in the very centre of the big Mutant making machine CLEARLY has to be a self-destruct bomb.

161. It's okay to keep distracting the preist by complaining about the heat while he's counting how many stories you've gone down the elevator shaft.

162. Accents occur at random or during dramatic moments ONLY.

163. If you're John Malkovich it's perfectly acceptable to take a dramatic pause ever three words or so.

164. The chaotic destruction of battle will leave a perfect circle in the ground to reveal the ancient seal of the mutant machine!

165. The person who leaves the group to go save a guy that he shoots anyway will be the only survivour from the group.

166. We must always follow the complex and dangerous directions of the priest's crazy book because following the distracted mutants through the giant tunnels would just be MADNESS!

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[–] the_countless_hours 15 years ago

I watched the movie today, and thought it was alright for what it was. But I did notice a few glaring things- and if they have already been written, excuse me, I sort of breezed through a few pages:

167. Blood really brings out baby blue eyes

168. You can be stabbed in the arm during combat, have your face practically melted because one of your teammates is an idiot (and Thomas Jane needed a plot device to find you with), you can be drug for a while by the mutants, but the only way you can think to save the mission is to blow yourself up using a grenade (which could have easily been thrown).

169. Only two monks in your order can be young and bada**, the rest have to be old and puny.

170. When your half-alive buddy is reminiscing about the 'good ole days', shoot him the face. Not like you wanted to hear it anyway...

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[–] Raurus_1 14 years ago

171. Old Mexicans stereotypes will last even at 2700s.

172. Aliens love old fasioned vapor machines for their mutant´s factories.

173. Eeerie unfunctional eye vapored machines can´t always convert people, specialy if they keep moving ther necks.

174. Specialy trained soldiers can't compete with mutants, but monks can.

175. Always always ALWAYS, have faith in some weird fusion of catholic-scientology-anti mutants Ron pearlman religion.

176. Mutants are racists.

177. The best way to tell your daughter that her father died is by talking about it indirecty, but act like she can't hear you.

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[–] 14 years ago

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[–] black_faith79 14 years ago

181: In 2707, evolution will turn our blood color into cherry-red; it looks pleasant this way.
182: In 2707, evolution will mutate our blood so that it doesn't leave stains, unless it's your own blood, only in some special cases.
183: Mutants can drag you on the floor for miles without any kind of resistance from you, but when your friend saves you, you can stand up and fight as if nothing has ever happened.
184: (I know it's been said before, but I can't help it! lol) People die in this particular order: Black people, Asians, Hispanics then women. White male leads always survive!
185: If Ron Perlman is the main actor in a movie, you have to know that it's cheesy. No matter how hard he tries to dramatize things!
186: When you're a female cleric on your way to a mission to save humanity, you have to cut your hair and show us your cute butt.

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[–] clickbait 9 years ago

I just love these threads that tells the truth about how bad the movie really is. You dont need to read any other thread on the board to understand the standard of the movie and how good or bad it is. MC is truly bad...its so bad u start thinkin about the director and if hes alittle retarded or something...cause this is "Uwe Boll bad" in standard and i hope that the director never ever gets to direct another movie again...and Thomas Jane...u can act so pls stop doing *beep* like this and sell out like Nic Cage does today...

~If the realistic details fails, the movie fails~

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