'Sittin' on my balls.'

Shout it from the mountains for all to hear, "Brett A. Hart has given birth!" I knew the moment I saw the trailer for "Bone Dry" it was going to be great, and I knew that the only way I could get the full effect, was to watch it on the big screen, so, me and a couple of friends hooked up the dvd at a movie theater, sat back, and watched THE WORSE MOVIE EVER MADE. But, I had already expected that. After the first 20 seconds into the film, a thought came to my mind, "I am going to walk out of this movie a dumber person". However, after struggling through the horrific first twenty minutes, we got the great idea to turn on the director's commentary. Let me tell you this now, if you have not listened to it, do it. If you have never seen the film before, go get it and watch it with the commentary, you won't miss anything that's going on on screen, none of that is important, except maybe the scene with the awesome shooting star. I have to say that I have never felt sicker after watching a movie, than I did after watching "Bone Dry" with commentary by Brett A. Hart (make sure you put that A. in there), and Lance Henriksen (who I'm almost positive is drunk throughout the entire commentary). These two guys are so full of themselves, and of this movie, excuse me, I mean VISION that it will make you sick. Also, I'm pretty sure the two have something else going on between them as we listen to their conversation get more intimate as the movie drags on. The majority of the time Lance is talking about his balls, while Brett is trying to keep from crying. I also liked hearing how Brett compared his VISION to films such as, "Cool Hand Luke", "Jaws", "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid", and many many more. The guy shouldn't even be allowed to mutter those movie titles. Oh yea, in the commentary we also discover that Brett A. Hart's relationship with Luke Goss, is very comparable to that of Scorsese's and DeNiro's relationship, but I'm sure you already made that comparison, I mean, it's pretty obvious. We also get to hear Brett talk about how great his mind is for coming up with this VISION. I know for a fact this guy has the poster hanging above his bed at home, he probably has another one hanging above his door so he can slap it each day he walks out for good luck. I mean after hearing the guy praise it and himself along with the drunkard throughout the entire thing, it's only expected that he spent an entire month loafing around in a bath robe drinking some wine cooler, pretending that he actually matters in life, after he completed it. There is however one high-point for "Bone Dry"; Chad Stevens, in the role of a lifetime. All in about five minutes, he gets to say a few four letter words, smoke a cigarette, and kill a black man with a machete! Here's an idea for your next VISION Brett, I want to see a whole back story on Chad's character! You can call it "Get Him Up! Get Him Up! Get Him Up! Come On!" I bet Spielberg will even watch it! Now, to get back to the only entertaining thing about this VISION, the commentary. Let's see if I can wrap it all up with this; the two pretty much cuss throughout the entire thing, they speak about the incredible line that just made the film (take a look at the subject), Lance talks about the male reproductive organ some more, one of his valve movements, and, at one point, he thinks he's a ghost in the film, all this, while Brett trys not to cry. The two speak about Lance really becoming the character of Jimmy when he throws a bottle of water at a window and breaks it. However, Lance REALLY becomes Jimmy when we see a bag in the background of a scene, we soon learn that the bag is real life actor Lance Henriksen's bag! We also discover that Lance's inspiration for the role came from his dad. If only we all had a dad like that, someone that breaks windows with water bottles, carries his own bag around, uses massive strength to break rear-view mirrors, thinks their a ghost, and is obsessed with their balls and many more bodily functions and features, the world would be so much better. Or, here's an even better way to make the world so much better, never letting Brett A. Hart get behind a camera again, or letting that brilliant mind of his create another VISION. I probably wouldn't have stated that last sentence if Brett had gotten that aerial helicopter shot for his final scene that he wanted, but since he didn't, I just can't take the guy serious.