Things I learned from Backwoods (spoilers)
1. Really hot French women just love older, flabby, English dorks with zero personality.
2. If you stop at a remote bar in the middle of nowhere, it will be full of creepy, deliverance-type characters who are threatening to outsiders. That's how they roll.
3. If you walk into said bar full of creepy freaks, it's a good idea to let them know the exact location of where you're going.
4. If you're bored, sitting in a car waiting for your man, it's a good idea to get a drink from an unsavory looking outside tap.
5. If you want to get your man to leave a bar full of creepy hillbillies, walk into the bar with a wet shirt on, so they all can see your nips. Don't worry, they'll be gentlemen.
6. If you inherit a ramshackle cottage in the deep woods, the outside and the walls might look decrepit, but it'll be full of nice, new expensive furniture. It will also have working water and electricity.
7. If you go exploring with a creepy hillbilly, it's a good idea to out-shoot him. Then he'll know who's boss.
8. Every village has an idiot, and he will go out to threaten the city folk with his tougher, blood-thirsty hillbilly brothers.
9. The one with the worst teeth is always the rapist.
10. If creepy rednecks come to your cabin asking for a drink, make sure you have your blouse unbuttoned down to your bra. Remember, you're sophisticated, big-city folk.
11. Hillbillies consider Leonard Cohen great dance music.
12. Europeans all wear bell-bottoms, no matter what year it is.
13. All bedrooms in backwoods cabins have identical bed and lamp table arrangement.
14. A music box will calm a hysterical kid who's seen multiple killings.