my daughter is a teenager and her mom is a 37 year old woman so Will she really get a "this can happen to me " feeling?
At age 14, not seeing your mother for 6 months would seem very long indeed - a lot happens in half a year for a teenager. I would let her visit, just to keep the connection in place.
I have to think it's also not the worst thing in the world for a teenager to see the potential consequences of bad choices - kids at that age are notoriously bad at thinking ahead, and a little of that reality might help her resist peer pressure to do the stupid things that teenagers do.
14 is old enough, and it would be a good learning lesson of what not to strive for as she gets older.
Oh my god. Your wife was prosecuted, tried and convicted. She was given a sentence. She's taking her punishment. You're not "enabling" anything. This is between your wife, the state, and possibly her victims.
Your daughter is fourteen. She knows where her mother is and why. Unless she's adamantly opposed to going, you think her seeing her mother in a ... gasp ... jumpsuit is going to traumatize her for life? I feel sorry for the hypersheltering of this kid. Do you make sure she gets a trophy at every activity too?
On a more serious note, if she doesn't go, what's in her mind is most likely worse than the reality of what it is.
I still don't understand what people think the daughter is going to see? Bad fluorescent lighting? Mom in some kind of uniform (the horror, not being on trend!)? Screaming inmates throwing feces? (Nope, no and no. There is usually a visiting room. Unless you are talking about a county jail, you don't go back to the cells, and those kinds of prisoners would not be housed with OP's DW.)
Seriously, people, don't believe everything you watch on TV. Much younger children visit their parents in jail. That's Mom, or Dad, or Cousin Ralph sitting across from them. And that happens to be where the relative is at the moment. Some children visit their parents in prison for years
rawright54
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New I'm no expert, but I see nothing wrong with letting a 14 yo see the consequences of poor decisions, even if the one making the bad decision this time is her Mom. It might even help her to make better choices in her own life, to see Mom being punished. People make mistakes, that's part of being human. People need to forgive themselves and others, too, and that's also part of being human. Good people sometimes make mistakes, and sometimes go to jail, but life goes on and many times those people turn their lives completely around as a result.
There's no absolute answer - it could backfire, too, and might encourage a poor attitude toward the parent in a child too immature to learn the right lessons from it. Only you can judge her level of maturity. That's a tough call, but I would be inclined on the side of giving your girl more credit than less. Kids today are forced to mature a lot earlier than in my day, and they're remarkably strong. Best of luck to you and your family
She can learn the reality... ...you are right she can hear from you what your wife is going through - but seeing it is something completely real. Kind of like when my parents would tell me not to do something - because they know what will happen - because they went through it....but seeing the results for yourself is something more impressive...more real. But she is your daughter - you know her best - does she learn from doing or seeing or just from hearing... Also - how is she going to feel not being able to see her mother for 7 months? how will that effect her life?
I think the guard is correct. I understand you wanting to shield her from the reality of what is happening - but it is a learning experience that there are real world consequences to poor choices. There are so many temptations in that big world but for every action there will be a reaction - and exposing her to this reaction will give her a real reference if she is ever faced with a choice that could possibly have that kind of reaction. But do also talk with your wife about having her visit - but also...your daughter is 15 - she is old enough to have an opinion on this as well and you should give her opinion some serious consideration.
You might be surprised to see how much a 15 year old can handle. I have a friend whose grandson is in prison for another 5 years - and he has a baby who is just a little more than a year old - his mom brings the baby to visit his father in prison every other week. He has a sister who is a pre-teen who also goes to visit every other week as well. It is reality - and as much as this reality sucks - it is real. It would be sucky to have to see your mom in that environment - but like I said before -- it is going to be a part of her life whether she sees the reality of what her mom is going through or not...and sometimes seeing the reality is better than what she might be imagining anyway. But bottom line - is that you should first talk with her to see what she wants to do - what she is thinking about and tell her what to expect when she sees her mom.
Well she will obviously learn that parents too can make mistakes. She will learn that you can lose a lot of freedoms along with your freedom. Depending on her level of intelligence, i don't think she will want to be in prison.
The best of ppl are sometimes drawn into something that seems tempting..how about Martha Stewart? Did she really need some pocket money? I believe in my vows, for better and for worse..no matter what, unless of course it is a violent crime and especially involving a child..without support, your wife could get deeper involved in bad *beep* Of course express your disappointment that she felt she needed to commit a crime..It's only for 7 mos and she will do it better if she is supported..
Since I have never been to jail - my frame of reference can only come from what I have heard from my niece who is a state trooper - and would say - that nothing on t.v. is real - and the reality of prison in real life can be worse - or better - depending on what you might have seen on t.v. Have you seen your wife since she has been in jail? What has she told you? She should be the one to better answer that question.
Trust me, she'll see worse on TV, the internet, her cell phone and so forth. Just as good sets examples, so does bad. Some can even be saved by seeing a loved one suffering
She knows her mom was convicted of a crime. She's 15 and I'm sure has some idea of prison garb and some idea about prison guards and the basic idea. Talk to her about it. 15 is only a few years away from being an adult. It may be a bit of a shock seeing her own mom in that situation but it could do some good as well and show her that actions have consequences. This could be a good thing for her in the long run
Makes perfect sense to me. As for the learning experience part, lots of organizations take teens that are in danger of entering our court system and show the prison and have them talk to prisoners. Since so many of out TV shows and movies either glamorize prison life or make it much worse than it really is, it's good for kids to see the reality. It's like taking the kids to help out at a soup kitchen or a shelter to show them what other families are going through first hand.
Thank you for the message. There is worse on television. Going to a jail is intimidating. You known your daughter best and what she can and cannot handle. Visiting jails is emotional and all of your emotions are put on display for others to see. If you think it is too much then have her write letters and ease into a visit after a few weeks. But I think everyone should be exposed to jails at some point. It is humbling and makes you appreciate not being in jail
Yes, it is a very good idea for your daughter to ask her mother about her experiences. Good questions depend on the people asking and their situation. I am not familiar with any of the people involved, but there are some standard questions. Anything about what it is like being in jail, how it is different, what is best/worst about it--things like that.
It is more about exposure and experience than learning. Prisoners don't exactly enjoy a lot of freedoms, and seeing a prison in real life is an experience that cannot be duplicated artificially. Visiting a jail is an experience worth having, and visiting a family member is a natural way to let that happen. The real question is why would you want to prevent it?
It will be educational for her to see what her mother has to go through on a daily basis. Here is a website that might explain where I am coming from.
Since your wife does have calls, ask her what she wants. Does she want your daughter to visit her there?
7 months isn't a lifetime
If all you say is true then I think you should. I don't think a mother loves her daughter less and visa versa.
Going to jail and seeing the real world is usually a good wake up call.
I think this is a no brainer. Plus will there be some resentment built if you do not let her go? If you are sticking by her then you all need to stick by her all the way not half way.
No problem. I say be honest. It always works. It is the real world and she has to face it. Maybe she will fall into a scared straight scenario.
Love is unconditional and all 3 of you are in this together. That was in your wedding vows. ( Thick and trough thin)
I just don't see it any other way.
Now if the mother has issues of drugs, drinking or violence then that is or may be different. If she is a good mother and she is trying to be a good mother then a mistake should not destroy your family.
If your wife wants to to bring her if she wants to go, then do so. I don't think your daughter will be traumatized by it. Visiting a prison also lets her see that she doesn't want to get sent to one later on in life. She'll also know that her mom is as OK as she can be under the circumstances and that's a good thing.
I hope it all work out for you and your family. In the not too distant future, this will all be over.
Ok...wow. Hellava 2nd post.
You state you're sticking by your wife's side. If your wife and daughter have a good relationship and your daughter wants to see her mom than I see no reason to keep her away. A 14 year old girl rally needs her mom.
Regardless of your wife's actions she is still her mom and her crime was not perpetrated against your daughter. It was a whit collar crime, your wife screwed up and is paying her debt.
This is honestly a great learning experience for her. She is seeing that there is serious consequences for your actions and decisions.
As far as your daughter being exposed to the prison environment. she will be going to a visitors center not a cell block. I dont know that she'll be exposed to anything extremely harmful there outside of some foul language.
my advice... try it. If its more than you or her can handle then you'll know. I'm suspecting you'll both be just fine.
I'm also sure that your wife could really use a visit and would love to see her daughter. \
good luck!
don't mind at all.
As the father of a 14 and a half year old son. I would suspect this is no more damaging that anything that she sees on TV.
Hell, if she has ever seen even one episode of Orange is the new black I'd say she'll be fine.
My personal take is I'm not sure keeping her away from her mom is going to benefit anyone. especially if they have a good relationship.
If your wife and daughter couldn't stand each other and were always at each other then it would be one thing but if your wife is a good mom and they get along that needs to be considered too. As I said in my post I think a 15 year old girl really needs her mom.
she knows where her mom is going so I see no reason to make her disappear for 7 months. also keep in mind, that's a lifetime to a 15 year old.
It was a movie from the 70s. It was real. They introduced some troubled kids to the worst inmates. Real story. 100% of them left a life of crime and gangs. I'm sure you can find it. Maybe you tube has it.
Now your daughter may be a good upstanding kid. So I am not saying to use that extreme of measures. But just seeing and understanding it will not hurt either.
Her Mother is human she needs to know you are still a family and love will get you through hard times.
Yes, orange is the new black is a Netflix show about a well to do new Yorker going to an all female prison. It is not exactly child appropriate programming. although its a great show nonetheless but I digress...
I think the guard means exactly what I have eluded to and what Larry in your thread eluded to.
Use it as an opportunity to teach your daughter that there are consequences for doing something wrong. Even for moms.
I went back and reread Larrys post and I agree with it 110%.
Your daughter must already know why mom is in jail. There won't be much need to talk about it a lot. As far as the learning experience part goes - she means I'm sure for it to be presented as someplace you don't want to end up in. So, don't break the law.
I'm sure this will work out OK.
No problem.
I honestly don't know. I'm married, but we don't have any children yet. I haven't had any family in jail or prison, and I won't pretend to, but I am a paramedic, and I have had a very minuscule amount of training on working with prison populations and the same for dealing with psychology in teenagers.
There are two issues: keeping the child apart from the parent, and keeping the child apart from the environment. If you keep the child apart from the parent, your child may have issues re-integrating with the other parent. You might intend to keep the child from jail, and might unintentionally send the message that the mother is to be avoided. The mother might return, and the child might continue to avoid.
It may be very tough for the child to see a parent in a broken environment, but children all over the world see that of parents every day. What will matter most is how your family behaves after this event. Will you be able to forgive your spouse? Will your children see that? In the end, if your spouse is willing to repent of her actions and you are willing to forgive her, your children will follow your example, learn a lot about forgiveness, and grow closer through the process.
Taking your kid to visit jail wouldn't be nearly as bad as visiting a prison, and either way, it's gonna be a lasting image in your kid's mind. However, that image won't last nearly as long as the choices and memories that you all make going forward after all of this is behind you.
I think it should be ultimately left up to your daughter. As long she understands all of what you just said above and still says she wants to see her mom, I'd say let her go. It can be a harrowing experience for a child, but it could also offer perspective for what her mother's going through. Just my 2 cents.
If your daughter has expressed an interest in visiting her mother in prison then let her. It would probably be good for your wifes morale as well, that her daughter is willing to see her and that this incident hasn't impacted her relationship with her irrevocably, because I imagine that that might have crossed your wife's mind at some point.
Considering that your daughter is 14, the crime was financial and out of character, and both of them love each other and care about each others' best interests, the only reason I'd say you wouldn't want your daughter to visit her is if it was against her will or if the prison was a terrifying, uncomfortable place to see even from the outside. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that it isn't a maximum-security facility full of murderers and pedophiles, so... yeah, I think it would actually be beneficial for them both in this kind of situation.
What, well, almost everyone else said; let her make the decision.
At first I wanted to say that it depends on the crime, but that was when I thought you didn't want to reveal that and I didn't know the age of your kid. But 14 is alright, and a financial crime usually doesn't make someone bad enough that a kid has to be protected against them. So yeah, if she wants to visit her mum, I'd say let her. And if she doesn't, don't force her.
Also, that's eh, quite the first post you made on here. Welcome.
Another voice joining the choir: let your daughter decide.
She is old enough to process difficult situations, she even managed to joke about it and even though I don't know her, I'd have faith in her mental resilience. Also, seeing a prison from the inside with all the guards, inmates and security measures might serve as a good life experience and a deterrent. You want your kid to think jail is a bad place and going there sucks. You have a chance for your kid to know.
It should be up to your kid. Judging by what you wrote your wife is not that bad of a person and it would be kinda cold to not let her see her family while shes in there. I'm pretty sure that meeting you is the only thing that she has to look forward to during those 6 months.
Like others have said, let your daughter decide, though I would also add the "Ask your wife if she wants to be seen in prison." It might not be something that she wants her daughter to see, so I think it would be polite to run it by her casually. If I had to guess, she'll probably want to see her daughter very much, but it could be something she's ashamed of, and wouldn't want her daughter to experience.
But yeah, if all parties are on board for it, let her do it.
As far as preparation for the visit, I can't speak for prison, but I can speak for mental institutions for the criminally insane, which are pretty damn close to prison. I had to visit my brother in those type facilities for the past few decades.
Tips to make the trip much easier.
1. Don't bother bringing your purse, phone, keys, etc. Just don't even bring them in the facility. Leave them in the car, because they're going to likely take them off you anyway while you are visiting. You can maybe bring in some change, to buy snacks from vending machines. This may or may not be available, depending on the security level of this facility, and how "family friendly" their visiting facility is.
2. The place will feel very confined (duh), but it will also likely smell strange. I don't know about prisons, but mental facilities have an...odor to them, from the large number of inmates, who likely don't have good hygene, it will create a pervasive scent to the place. I'm not saying it's going to smell like piles of rancid feces or something, but it might have a smell that just sort of hits your nose wrong, and slightly put you off things.
3. Her mother is likely going to be very nervous about being seen in that situation, at least at first. So give her some slack when it comes to awkward behavior until she settles down about seeing family while in prison. Alternatively, you or your daughter might feel like this too. The corrective system is an intimidating environment until you get used to it. Just try to relax, and understand that there will be people with weapons around, watching you and the inmates at all times, or at least while you transit through the place.
4. Call ahead to the facility and ask if there are any things that you are permitted to bring during your visit. Perhaps a book, or maybe some homemade cooking for her to eat while you visit. Little things like that can help to make the visit feel more natural, as you discuss the gift, and also provide a break from routine for the mother, cause trust me, that food isn't all that good. If you can bring food, you might try having you and your daughter cook it together,
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JannTosh
9 years ago
Actions have consequences. A great lesson for a teenager in today's society. Non-contact visits are the norm in most jails. I would be more concerned about interaction with the people visiting the other inmates. Many inmates have major losers for visitors.
Yes, not as bad as you see on TV. The glass and separation is for a higher level prisoner.
I imagine a low risk prisoner would not warrant handcuffing. But it is what it is. If your daughter sees he mother in handcuffs what is the big deal? She knows what is going on, doesn't she? Handcuffs are sometimes part of the deal.
I say no jokes because your wife will be hyper-sensitive to her situation. Maybe after a few visits when the tensions have subsided, but joking about being in handcuffs? I don't think that is a joking matter at all. To me its like guns. My kids have been taught from birth that guns are not toys. Never play with them. I even went so far as to not let them use any toy guns as toys- they were always analogs for real guns. I knew when they were ready to start handling real guns by seeing how they handled their toys. Never point them at another person unless you intended to kill them. Yes, serious stuff. Handcuffs are designed to control a person and remove their freedom. That is serious stuff to me. I have never been handcuffed myself, but I can damn sure tell you that I would not consider it a joking matter if it ever does happen to me.
Absolutely normal for kids especially to try and make things seem humorous. Its a coping mechanism. Ever noticed when kids giggle or laugh when they are in serious trouble? Same deal. They don't "think its funny", they are uncomfortable and nervous. So they laugh. Similar thing going on there.
Your daughter is probably putting herself in her mother's place and thinking how uncomfortable it would be for her to take group showers or have to share her personal space (I presume she has never had a sibling to share her bedroom). Your daughter has probably been very fortunate that she is trusted and she has her boundaries clearly defined, and you as her parents helped to develop these things. All of that is getting questioned now. She is living this vicariously through her mother. It will probably help her cope with high school gym class where she will have to do the same things as her mother, only under different circumstances. After you see how this shakes out and what her reactions to hearing about her mother's experiences in jail are, you might subtly talk to her about these things and how they might relate to her (like the gym class thing). I remember how uncomfortable it was as a kid when I first had to shower with my peers. In time it was no big deal, but there were some guys who wouldn't shower nude, they would wear a swimsuit. Some guys just wouldn't shower at all (they had to hide from the gym teacher because showering was required after gym class). Girls are a million times worse too- especially in high school. Girls get brutal int heir criticism of their peers. It can range from criticizing underwear or dirty clothes to body shaming or even attacking peers for menstrual issues. Like I said, they are brutal. But your daughter is getting a special lesson in a similar dynamic. A pre-show where sheis not a participant if you will. This sort of thing might be going through her head.
In my perfect world, my daughter would learn to not be one of the "Mean Girls", and she would stick up for girls who are targeted by those Mean Girls. I guess that's what I would be angling for if I were you (and I would discuss this with her mom. She needs to be in the loop on how to answer questions so that these lessons get taught well.) In jail I imagine it is very much like girls' high school locker room dynamics. Know who your friends are, help out the unfortunate, don't be a bitch. That sort of thing.
I imagine she could.
I know some people who can't pee in a public restroom out of an overactive sense of modesty or something. I don't think that is really healthy for a kid in high school where they have to change clothes and shower in front of others. There was a kid I knew in high school who would go into the janitor's closet to change his clothes. He would wear a swimsuit in the shower too. One day a bunch of the bullies pulled him out of the closet while he was naked and threw him out of the gym door. Kid would have died of embarassment if he could have willed himself to. I bet that guy can't take his clothes off in front of his own wife to this day (I went to high school in the early 1980's) and probably has to shower in the dark by himself.
If your daughter can see how her mother handles herself (or at least how Mom says she handles herself) that will set a good example.
There is absolutely no reason for anyone, no matter what, to be embarrassed for who they are. Showering or changing in front of others should not be a big deal at all. Modesty is fine, but in moderation. That doesn't mean one should go parading around naked in public, just that they should not be embarrassed for who they are. Ever. I think this is especially important for kids to learn.
Just my two cents worth.
I don't think that those are too personal. I think it is a cross between curiosity and trying to connect with her mother. I asked those same types of questions when I was a lad. I am sure that your wife will answer any question your daughter asks with an age appropriate response. If she does have to shower in front of others, I can't imagine your wife saying "yeah, and that B***h in cell 36 is on the rag bleeding all over the d*mn floor!". Your wife should answer by saying yes and then explaining how embarrassing and uncomfortable it is for her on a level that a 14yo girl can understand
Like others have said, let your daughter decide, though I would also add the "Ask your wife if she wants to be seen in prison." It might not be something that she wants her daughter to see, so I think it would be polite to run it by her casually. If I had to guess, she'll probably want to see her daughter very much, but it could be something she's ashamed of, and wouldn't want her daughter to experience.
But yeah, if all parties are on board for it, let her do it.
As far as preparation for the visit, I can't speak for prison, but I can speak for mental institutions for the criminally insane, which are pretty damn close to prison. I had to visit my brother in those type facilities for the past few decades.
Tips to make the trip much easier.
1. Don't bother bringing your purse, phone, keys, etc. Just don't even bring them in the facility. Leave them in the car, because they're going to likely take them off you anyway while you are visiting. You can maybe bring in some change, to buy snacks from vending machines. This may or may not be available, depending on the security level of this facility, and how "family friendly" their visiting facility is.
2. The place will feel very confined (duh), but it will also likely smell strange. I don't know about prisons, but mental facilities have an...odor to them, from the large number of inmates, who likely don't have good hygene, it will create a pervasive scent to the place. I'm not saying it's going to smell like piles of rancid feces or something, but it might have a smell that just sort of hits your nose wrong, and slightly put you off things.
3. Her mother is likely going to be very nervous about being seen in that situation, at least at first. So give her some slack when it comes to awkward behavior until she settles down about seeing family while in prison. Alternatively, you or your daughter might feel like this too. The corrective system is an intimidating environment until you get used to it. Just try to relax, and understand that there will be people with weapons around, watching you and the inmates at all times, or at least while you transit through the place.
4. Call ahead to the facility and ask if there are any things that you are permitted to bring during your visit. Perhaps a book, or maybe some homemade cooking for her to eat while you visit. Little things like that can help to make the visit feel more natural, as you discuss the gift, and also provide a break from routine for the mother, cause trust me, that food isn't all that good. If you can bring food, you might try having you and your daughter cook it together, so your daughter can maybe tell her mom about the ordeal of trying to cook the stuff for the first time. I'm assuming your daughter isn't a skilled cook of course, which if she's not, it might make for a humorous story to share with mom while she eats it.
5. Basically, just try to relax and not let the place put you or your daughter off too much. It's never going to be a 100% fun place to visit with a loved one, and there will always be some awkwardness to it. But if the 2 of you are genuine in your attempt to try and make mom feel better, the visit shouldn't be too bad. Considering your daughter was able to make a joke about her mom now having to follow rules, instead of handing them out, it sounds like she's pretty well balanced to the situation. I would maybe remind her that there are millions of people in this country who are criminals, and that doesn't make them "bad" people. It just makes them people who broke a law. And that has consequences. I'm sure she's disobeyed some rules in her life by 14, so I'm confident she can understand this, and that her mom has to pay for her crime by being stuck in that place for a long period of time. Basically an extended "grounding" if you will.
Hope that helps.
Nothing wrong with honesty when talking to your children. Make sure your daughter knows that her mother has your sympathy. Far too many spouses would be mocking the other for having to endure such a situation. Its really not too different than what our military enlisted men have to do every day (I am not a veteran), don't you think? Maybe you can think of some of the experiences in your life that have caused you to develop this discomfort with close quarters contact. Or maybe it is lack of that sort of experience that caused it.
Personally I think that such overactive modesty can serves as a social handicap, not only in high school as I mentioned, but later in life at times. I would much rather that my sons be able to conduct themselves with confidence when others might be uncomfortable and embarrassed. That sort of difference will give the confident one an edge in almost every situation. I am sure you have heard that in order to speak well in public you should imagine your audience is in their underwear (or naked)? That is a confidence building tool that is built off the same sort of situation as the locker room. Now, the speaker who could walk up on stage in the nude and give a speech to a hundred clothed people is definitely going to have the greater confidence, don't you think? I don't mean to be harping on the modesty thing, but it is a very strong indicator of confidence, especially in younger people. My kids were raised in a home where they were encouraged to be comfortable in their own skin above everything else. We aren't nudists or anything like that, but nobody freaked out if somebody walked into the bathroom when someone else was getting out of the shower.
Translating this to your daughter, she walks in to the first day of the locker room where she and all of her classmates have to get undressed and shower in front of each other, if she is the only one who thinks its no big deal, then she will be the Alpha female in the room. There is a lot of good things that come with that, especially if your daughter is a truly good person and not a Mean Girl. The Mean Girls are the ones who are the weakest. They pack together for the illusion of strength and they target loners or pairs of loners to force their illusion on others. One strong and confident girl can defend herself from that dynamic only once and they will leave her (and her friends) alone forever. Gym class is where a lot of this behavior is laid bare and where it grows from.
Your wife can parent from jail. I would be seriously surprised if the jail does not have some programs that are designed specifically for that purpose. Mothers who are incarcerated should not be torn away from their children. That would be cruel and unusual punishment in my mind. Ask around at the jail, and your wife should do so as well. They most likely will not offer things that are not asked for in this area, but I imagine they have to offer something. Heck, there are women who go to prison pregnant and give birth in there. They can't just take the babies away and toss them in the trash. A child of 14 is just as much in need of her mother as a child of a younger age, their needs are just different.
Also, its a long shot, but maybe her conducting herself in these ways we have been discussing will get her an early release! They do monitor these things and good behavior will make a difference. Here in CA they are looking for any excuse they can find to release people early because of overcrowding issues.
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They have family visitation where you can bring kids as long as they behave, some families have loved ones in jail, just have your wife feels like she is valued and not forgotten, Im not sure If I gave you the answer your lookin for, just call the jail and ask.
Then is your daughter asking to visit? or is momma wanting her to come? Or is this your feeling?
Id ask your daughters feelings about this, as kids esp girls that age can find the oddest things to be embarrased about, its best to ask, find a way to talk to sound out the daughter, some would rather not go, close mother daughter relations could make it a non issue, with teen girls never assume any thing.
My ex-strife was manipulative and always badgered the girls to come see her (ex-strife had not a speck of shame)
I don't see a problem with this.
I don't know where you get "many theaters," the news I saw only states "some Los Angeles theaters," and if you knew anything about Compton, that's not an unreasonable response. Furthermore, if theaters, which are privately owned, elect to have weapons screening at a particular film, as private actors they have every right to do so. If they want to contract to a local law enforcement agency to do that, they have every right to do so.
If local law enforcement feels that due to the strong connection between the movie's subject and local gangs, that they should be at an increased readiness status, that's only prudent.
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JannTosh
8 years ago
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Should I tell my daughter her mom needs to go to jail?
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My wife, who is also mother of my fourteen year old is in jail for six months for a financial crime. I am willing to stick by her and not leave her because I feel She made some stupid mistakes but it was out of character so I think she just got herself into a bad situation and make some poor decisions, She also never did anything bad at all before this And I am not defending her or saying she should not serve her punishment.. Also, her mother is showing regret and no defense at what she did .
I was wondering if I should tell my 15 year old daughter that she has to go to jail or if I should just make up some story. My wife seems more on the side of telling her the truth but I am not sure
Don't lie. Just explain her motive to your daughter and why it was a mistake and what she learned.
Well do you think she'll like hearing about it down the road? Eventually she's going to find out. She's old enough to understand. Sure she might think "Damn, my mom's in jail", but what good is lying to her?
Tell her the truth. She deserves to know where her mother is. You will also feel closer to her and with her mom in jail the two of you should try to develop a strong relationship with each other. Being honest will help you as well as her. Maybe try to find a time where she isn't happy or sad and sit her down and explain everything to her. Let her ask questions and answer them to the best of your ability. Let her know that you are available for her whenever she needs you. It is important to tell her although it's your choice and you should do whatever feels right to you.
hey, it's cool. I don't see why not. I think it would be weird to go visit someone in jail and see them in street clothes. it won't be like you will be out in the middle of general pop with all the other inmates just doing their own thing. the conversations and actions will be controlled. if your daughter wants to go and feels comfortable about it I really don't think it will be a big deal, especially if her and her mother have a good relationship. I don't know what your daughter is like but remember that many 16 year olds go through far more adult experiences than visiting someone behind bars.
The people saying you should take her probably mean it's a good idea because it exposes kids to the consequences of breaking the law. I remember having a field trip in hs where we went to a state prison, and it was very eye opening . It's also the concept behind that series "Scared Straight". They take at-risk teens and send them into a hard core prison just to demonstrate what awaits them if they continue down their path. Obviously, your wife won't be in that type of facility.
With all this said, though, it's your choice. In fact, I don't even agree with your wife that it's your daughter's decision. Your job is to figure out what is in her best interest and then just act accordingly. You're the parent and it's your call.
Your wife will be back home with you and your daughter in 7 months. I bet she would leave you the day she gets out, and take your daughter with her if you forbid your daughter from visiting her mother while she's locked up.
It's also going to have an effect on the relationship between the mother and daughter if they dont see each other for 7 months and then suddenly one day mom is back home. Let her visit.
She's 14 so she is old enough to understand the situation and hopefully seeing her mother in prison will have a positive impact on her and show her that life has consequences even when you're an adult since most teens seem to think that once they grow up, they can do anything they want.
Your daughter knows, or is going to know what her mother did at some point. I don't think any shaming should take place, or shielding. I'm sure your daughter is a smart girl and will learn from the experience.
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Absolutely your daughter has a right to visit her mother.
Their relationship is necessary and fundamental to your daughter's development. Assuming your wife will ever be out of jail, you don't want to have to fix a problem that you caused by allowing distance to grow with your daughter's female role model.
And yes, someone who made mistakes can be a better role model than someone who is never caught.
If they have a good relationship then the joking is nothing to worry about. I dont think asking about living accommodations or the shower situation is too personal as long as she does not start asking about every little detail. Just asking "do you share your cell with others" or "do you have a private shower or is it a communal shower" is fine.
She may be excited since its major change in her life. Your daughter may see mom being gone as a way to exert her independence and try to prove that she can make it on her own. Or it could mean that she thinks she can get away with misbehaving since mom is not around which is not a good thing. If that happens you need to put your foot down and remind her that just because mom is gone for a while, the rules are still the same.
Seeing her mother in jail vs a random person will be when it really hits home for her. That first visit is going to determine how everything will proceed from then on. She may handle it just fine and there wont be any issues, or she may start crying or become very angry. From how you describe your daughter, I think she will be fine. A little upset and saddened perhaps.
You and your daughter coming for a visit will surely be the highlight of the day for mom and will be an important part of keeping her from becoming depressed. I don't know what the jail will allow, but I would try to visit at least once a week in the beginning and then let mom determine how often you visit after that.
Just make sure your daughter understands what cannnot be brought into the prison. If she tries to slip mom something as a joke, the guards will take that very seriously and mom may lose her visitation rights and you and or your daughter could land in legal trouble. I'm guessing the prison will have a commissary where stuff like snacks, and hygiene supplies can be purchased. At the first visit, ask mom what she would like. Perhaps you can have your daughter buy her the items or put the money into her commissary account. It will should make her feel good about helping mom.
Do you know what the situation is with phone calls? Since mom and daughter have a good relationship, it sounds like they would enjoy just being on the phone BS'ing with each other.
This is also a good time to teach your daughter about responsibilities. Have her help pick up the slack by doing things at home that mom used to do.
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JannTosh
8 years ago
to follow in her mother's footsteps. What it is like if you break the law. How to shower without being violated. How jail works, as far as visitation. Anyone can go to jail. Jail isn't what you see on TV.
Mostly she should unlearn all things that were "glamorized" by media. Media are painting jail only in 2 versions, other its "not at all that bad" kinda cool place.. or "horrible *beep* because "orange is new black" a lot of teenagers will think woman's jail is almost like hotel. it is not. i hope she will see/learn that the core of this punishment is isolation from society and that is what you get for breaking laws.
I would bring her, but call the jail first to ask about what other people do & what they think. I think it's good to show your daughter supportive behavior is a good thing & a family sticking together no matter what is just so solid. It's good to if she's scared some when she see's it for herself, she will probably be more aware than most kids that don't see this, so she herself will think twice before doing something she knows she shouldn't do. I'd start going to church services with her as well & insist on this. It's important kids grow up with fear & nurture of the Lord & maybe if your wife had done so enough, she might have been thinking more carefully as well. But everyone does dumb stuff & many just don't get caught. I think it's solid of you to be even asking this question with concern seeing how great of a parent & husband you are, your wife picked an awesome real man.
Understanding that God has allowed "free will" to be a choice we all have as kids or adults that have consequences if we don't think before doing things like if she is at an age one day where she can drink & considers driving when there are the uber cars that can safely transport you anywhere rather than risk being arrested. Teach her wisdom & let her see both sides so she can use her free will & try to guide her towards some solid avenues she can use as a personal compass in her life. Scour the local churches, then look in their websites & make a list of the pastors, then go in youtube to see if there are some sermons & see who you best like. Then I'd start going to church & would even recommend you take your daughter with you to a bible study as well to learn about the biggest story in the history of the world that is true, that is filled with such wisdom & guidance far beyond what parents can do at times when they may feel alone or are unsure of what to do when stuck. Honesty is such a key thing to teach her & we're in reality here. I think it's terrific she's joking a bit about it knowing mom tells her what to do & she's sort of getting a kick that she's getting a taste of her own medicine, it's a little bit cute you have to admit. It's like when a grandparent see's their own kids going through what you put them through & they chuckle a little watching you eat some humble pie. It's just life that is filled with all sorts of things & the bad just happens. Your daughter is more likely to turn to you if there's trouble & she's feeling stuck at some point in the later years as well. You keep being honest with her & yes, if she wants to go, let her go. It's reality & it's your life you're going through as a family. You might ask if she wants to buy or make something for her & find out what the jail will allow you to bring, if anything, you know like a nice letter, pictures, a card, a poster? Maybe some hair ties, shampoo & conditioner & makeup? I think they allow things you can't hurt yourself or someone else with. I'd also encourage her to write & send snail mail on a regular basis. This should keep a solid bond between your daughter & her mom & mom should be even more grateful to have such a wonderful daughter. They will probably giggle together writing back & forth & will make mom's time there go much easier with some joy in her heart and yours. I'm sure your daughter with her sense of humor will also develop some extra creativity when writing & including a drawing or picture or whatever small things they might allow.
Be sure to find out what you can bring & always keep money for her to be able to buy things, you can put this on some account they keep so they can get snacks & personal items. They take orders on a regular basis of soap, lotion, shampoo & such. See if there's a website, it should guide you to telling you what is allowed & if you need written permission beforehand, I'd set this up ahead of time so it's smooth sailing on the visit.
It might also be fun to take some videos regularly for mom's welcome home to fill her in on anything she missed. Your daughter would probably love this too. If she's good on the computer, see if she can make a video story that's edited or if she knows someone who could help or what software she might be able to use to edit a whole bunch of videos adding music & making a cute catch up video for mom's return home.
Good for you for being such a good dad & wonderful husband. You're also teaching your daughter what sort of man she should be expecting to find for herself one day too.
my wife is now in jail. We took her a few days ago. Since, the women's section of the jail apparently there were only about two other women needed to be booked that day. My wife changed into a gown and we all sat and waited for a while. Then a jail worker came and said that if I wanted to and my wife did not mind my daughter could still stay with her mom during the booking process to see what it is like. We all agreed and my daughter went with them
it took about 45 minutes and she returned.. My daughter then told me that first my wife was asked several questions. Just matching up her information with what they had, some other personal questions, education level things like that. After that, her mom was taken to have her fingerprints taken. After that they were taken into a little bathroom area. Mom was given privacy as they went behind a curtain where mom was strip searched apparently. After that she had to take a shower. After that finally, her mom changed into her orange jail jumpsuit . After, that mom had a mugshot taken.
She then was given some items to take with her, and was taken into custody and they had to part ways.
One interesting thing my daughter said is the guard explained to her the steps of the process and why new inmates are required to do these things. Have their fingerprints taken, purpose of a mugshot etc.
Two things I think my daughter found the most interesting.
While my wife was taking her shower in a private shower, the jailer explained that this is the only place where the showers are private. normally in every day life, , mom will be showering a large communal shower with no privacy. My daughter seemed to think it was funny. I guess because mom has to be naked in front of others. I guess I can understand
Another interesting thing was the orange uniform. Basically, Usually very loose jumpsuits are used; such outfits can constrict movement by a lot, and often act as a semi-restraint suit for the prisoners. When a prisoner walks for instance, the looseness of the jumpsuit makes it harder for them to move their body and legs in a way that can be considered hostile or violent, especially when they are in restraints. Gravity also makes sure that the entire outfit is at least somewhat bearing down on their shoulders and their entire body in general. While sitting down, it is very difficult to raise their arms to a certain height before the sleeves start weighing the prisoner's arms down. The jumpsuit is like a garment that covers and "imprisons" the body.
I think this was all good as it is the beginning of the learning experience for my daughter and she definitely learned some interesting things today
was it a good idea to let my daughter experience this? I think it was
also, what do you think was the most interesting about the booking process that we found out personally?
think your wife will get through it fine. Just remind her that everyone there has been in her shoes. They've all felt uncomfortable. She likely will get used to it once she realizes that everyone is not just standing there staring at her, because they are all busy showering themselves. There likely is a set time they are allowed to be in there so that wont leave much time for checking out other inmates.
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