tedious, unfunny, cliched, pointless

the trailer made this film look charming, and possibly even funny; that's not at all the case here. "caffeine" is a tiresome and tedious film that should never have been made in its current script version, not without rewrites. the story may have had potential, but the resulting film goes nowhere fast -- and stays there.

let me say that i'm sure the filmmakers and actors meant well; this does not seem at all like a cynical or calculated film. moreover, there are reasonably talented actors in it, and they all must have worked hard, because it's not easy to make a film, let alone a good film. but --

[and what does one say at this point?: "the writer and director simply should have started over, or kept trying until it WAS a good film"? perhaps. and yet we all know that such things don't happen very often.]

-- alas, they made poor choices, so their end product is tiresome, slow, pointless, and utterly unfunny.

i rarely get annoyed while watching indie films, because i cut them more slack; typically i get frustrated with overhyped and overbudgeted studio films, especially those that aim hard for the lowest and dumbest common denominator. here i found myself annoyed after just 20 minutes into "caffeine", but being an indie film supporter, i was determined to see it through, and give the film a chance to redeem itself.

it never recovered. in fact the film finishes little better than an average amateur community theatre performance, the kind written by the local earnest high school drama teacher with a "wacky take on human relationships" and a pressing need to share it.

the story is talky and lacking in action, and never moves much beyond the claustrophobic cafe and kitchen. major and minor characters seem false and caricatured, almost without exception. men are macho idiots, freaks, perverts or spineless wimps; women are long-suffering walking wounded, or carping, bitchy and hard. worse, the interactions and relationships between supposedly close friends and lovers -- scenes wherein we might normally find comic relief, humanity, and respite from the plotless mess -- are hammy and false, cliched and unreal, or unkind and abusive. all the usual opportunities for situational comedy and comic "business" fall flat, being utterly devoid of wit, humor, timing or intelligence.

except for a couple of decent performances, most notably marsha thomason's and katherine heigl's, the actors do not fare well. but in their defense, these performers are hobbled by poor writing and amateurish directing: they're stuck performing what are basically caricatures instead of believable characters, and by all indications they have been encouraged to "ham it up". although they are both decent actresses, it is sad to ponder that miss thomason's and heigl's performances may seem good simply because theirs were the least ridiculous characters in the film.

eventually this story had to end somehow, thank merciful god, and here is where we find the utter low-point, the last and laziest offense in a long series (yes, lazier even than the rather sad and unfunny "crazy-grandmother" talk, or the tedious and repetitive bathroom scatology).

at the end of the story, (***SPOILER***) suddenly, there is an obviously tacked-on "big revelation": namely that the mysterious condom wrapper belongs to writer dylan (breckin meyer) -- because he's gay, and sleeping with the mincing, sighing gay stereotype character tom (mark pellegrino). one man slaps the other man's ass, and reminds him that he's "boss in the bedroom" -- in what is the least convincing, most hackneyed writing and performing i have seen in years. ugh. it's simply awful. (surprise, everyone!! dylan's gay!! and he LOVES sex!!) seriously people, does this drek EVER work for onscreen hetero romances? of course not. so why should it work here?

this was perhaps the poorest choice the director and writer made (besides submitting the script in such form in the first place) -- and yet what a fitting end it is for this very tedious and unfunny film.

ultimately "caffeine" is another in a big pile of so-called "quirky" indie films -- which is the default description, it would seem, for mediocre films that miss the mark, but must be marketed and distributed nonetheless.

what surprises me is that somebody paid money to make this film, and believed in it enough to hire some decent actors, and spend a fair amount of time making it -- and then they produced THIS. it raises so many questions: how did they go so far off course? couldn't they tell this is a bad film? how can people work for so long without realizing that something is bad? how did cheney and bush get away with so much, for so long?

mommy, why is there evil in the world?