1. How pork and beans are really made.
2. How a single guy can live on beer and baked beans.
3. How to draw a TV on your apartment wall.
4. How to attract women without a winning personality.
5. How to keep a dead girl in your shower.
6. Why it isn't a good idea to shake hands with the landlord just after he answers the door.
7. That low-rent apartments actually have hot women living in them.
8. You can hide smelly old dead body parts in your bed and a person laying right next to them won't notice.
9. Being a pyscho stalker is a great way to pick up hot women.
10. If you don't speak to the police and just shake your head while not letting them see into your place, they just walk away.
11. You can win over the boys at work by commenting on how the pork in pork and beans explodes inside the can, even though you act like a total douchebag the rest of the time. They'll immediately laugh and you'll finally fit in even if you're a total psycho.
12. You can accidentally kill a woman by placing your hand over her mouth for 10 seconds---she won't twitch, roll her eyes, attempt to claw/scratch, or thrash about violently at all
13. Leaving your 1920's era barber's razor on the floor of your bathroom is not a good idea when you finally invite that special suicidal someone into your home for the first time
14. You can tell a hottie (that you fantasize about all of the time) that she's nuts (when she really IS NUTS!) before even getting past first base and then expect to "go all the way" a few nights later.
15. You can proudly show off your cool sketched 'television on the wall' to women and they won't even suspect that something could be amiss
16. Having 50 Air Freshners stuck to the side of your bathroom wall will simply make most people think "Man this guy must have some powerful bowel movements"
17. People living in apartment complexes that recently have had a missing person generally don't call the cops when they see their weird psycho neighbor having conversations with grocery bags and imaginary people.
18. FELLAS---Always, Always, Always answer the door with your spankerchief if you're in the middle of rubbing one off.
19. When in a sexually aroused state, you actually lose your sense of smell from sawed off dead body parts until you're getting ready to leave.
20. Pick the smallest possible body of water to toss your sawed off dead body parts into...also make sure you include beer bottles with your fingerprints and perhaps even a business card
21. When giving away old black and white televisions to coworkers, bring it with you to work and then haul it all the way to the breakroom---Do not leave it in your car and have them get it later
22. Just cause you killed your date, it doesn't mean she is excluded from having a little picnic with you now and then by the lake.
23. Chicks really go for a guy with no furniture.
24. You can save lots of money by buying pork and beans in bulk.
25. When you cut up a dead body and bury it piece by piece, you always save the leg for last.
26. You won't stink at all if you live with a dead girl and never take a shower.
27. Apparently 24 hr a day masturbation isn't really all that bad.
Hey Hey Hey now.... number 27 is actually good for you, medically speaking, emotionally...
28. The rooftop is a great place to meet chicks who went up there to not be disturbed and will almost instantly want to talk to you when they see you.
29. You can sit right in front of the window with the blinds open in the middle of the day, and anyone walking past won't notice you.
share30. If your sweetie changes moods every few seconds - ( or pages in the script ) - it's probably a good idea to find someone else. She's lkely a porn actress between gigs.
31. When that special someone comes over for "heavy petting", it might be wise to stash your skin mags someplace where she won't find them.
32. Looking like Adam from "MythBusters" may draw chicks initially, but these kind are just waiting for the moment when you shoot frozen chickens at aircraft canopies. Is this what you really want?
33. Carefully planned suicide is art.
share34. You can wear twigs and leaves in your hair and no one will notice.
35. You can slit your throat and die with your hands in the air.
36. You can fake talking to your imaginary friend to make someone else feel dumb.
37. The magical combination of pork-n-beans and beer will NOT give you gas.
38. Flowers smell better after you squirt them with water.
39. Slitting your throat produces minimal blood loss.
40. Be wary of the quiet friend who shaves with an old barber's razor. (it's not a switchblade folks) http://images.google.com/images?um=1&hl=en&rlz=1B3GGGL_enUS244 US245&q=barber+razor&btnG=Search+Images
41. We don't want to know how Salami is made.
...in an attic somewhere there is a picture of you getting prettier. - Stewey
34) The creepiest looking/acting men in society have unlimited chicks coming on to them.
shareHAHA, # 32, seriously so looks like him, kinda of made it hard to concentrate during the movie actually.
share16. Having 50 Air Freshners stuck to the side of your bathroom wall will simply make most people think "Man this guy must have some powerful bowel movements"
2. How a single guy can live on beer and baked beans.
I think #16 is answered pretty well by a loud #2.
The most affective way to attract beautiful women is to be a less-than-average looking, anti-social, psychotic recluse with no redeeming characteristics and a bland personality. If you have these characteristics, gorgeous, smart, quirky, adorable women will literally be knocking at your door begging you to go to dinner with them and to have sex with them on a roof with you.
___________________
Myspace classic cinema group:
http://groups.myspace.com/cinema101
# 42 when transporting body parts remember to BUCKLE UP?
# 43 All of your mental problems will go away by getting laid.
# 44 Don't bother the apartment manager unless its an emergency
# 45 When your girlfriend finds your porno mag and you make a joke about beating off she will laugh with you.
# 46 If your coworkers dog bits his kid in the arm you better shoot the bitch before it bites in the face.
# 47 If a girl wants to take you to dinner and you politely refuse she asks the fat porno obsessed neighbor only to make you jealous.
# 48 A girl obsessed with death will eventually committ suicide
# 49 the detective is crabman from my name is earl
# 45 When your girlfriend finds your porno mag and you make a joke about beating off she will laugh with you.
I have had girlfriends that found my porn and joked about it. Who doesn't watch porn?
#50 You can have great conversation with dead body parts
#51 You don't ever let anyone into your room. But when you have a human leg in your bed, you step aside calmly and let your girlfriend walk in. The thought of refusing her entry does not occur.
#52 You are Oh so in love with dead body parts that you care for them so dearly and enjoy picnics with them, but if somebody knocks on your door, your love goes out the window, you come to your senses, and you take that leg you're in love with and try to shove it down a toilet
#53 Psycho killers do not watch TV, and if they do, they watch particular Mexican cartoon in black and white
#54 The movie hints to us that a new law must be passed to record the identity of people buying excessive amounts of ice from 7/11s. They maybe storing dead bodies in their apartment.
#55 It is possible to dice a body into pieces using a razor blade.
#56 Beautiful girls insist on getting "heavily petted" for their 2nd date on completing their 1st date.
#57 When a chopped leg right next to your bed starts stinking, women will go to the other end of the room and stick their noses out the window to catch where the smell is emanating from.
#58 You don't shed a tear when you kill a woman but when another commits suicide, it just tears you up.
#59 Fat landlords simply walk into anyone's apartment. Who knows, they might stumble in on a murder scene..
# 60 You are very careful and go to painstaking lengths to conceal the murder, but when a girlfriend slits her own throat, you grab the razor and readily say that you are her killer
# 61 Apartment landlords will let any suspicious person claim they stay in an apartment and have lost their key and then walk up and open the door with the duplicate key and let them in. No questions asked, even if on the next day. he sees him staying in another apartment right next to his own.
#62 You are a murderer, but when your girlfriend thinks death is pure, you say she's lost her mind, and then go back to dating dead body parts.
#63 You do not consider a severed girl's head as a suitable date and prefer talking to her hand and leg
#64 In movies where dead body parts are some of the main characters, no one ever features the interesting body parts (a.s, b..bs, pu..y, etc..)
#65 If a girl has flowers and leaves in her hair that means she's quirky.
#66 If your girlfriend wants heavy petting, she'll like it when you pat her on her head.
#67 If you don't ask out a girl who is interested in you, she will get engaged to the landlord next door.
#68 You should be worried if your girlfriend thinks that the ending of the play "Hedda Gabler" is beautiful.
#69 Your boyfriend won't like it if you recreate the painting 'The Death of Ophelia'. http://arts.ucsc.edu/gdead/AGDL/ophelia.jpg
#70 The welding factory only hires white trash.
#71 If you go to a restaurant, the waiter will have an outrageous French accent and he 'knows things' about you.
#72 Rudophus Bedingus is the worst name ever.
#73 If you accidently get someone else's mail, just say "Whoops!" and fling it behind you.
#74 Your coworkers are interested in your masturbation habits.
#75 When you tell your coworkers that you have two girlfriends, they will all instantly believe you and think that you are cool now.
Hind sight is 50/50...especially when your name is Eminem.
#76. If the hot chick you've been obsessing over is at your place and acting interested in you, don't tell her that you've been obsessing over her. It sets the wrong tone in the beginning of the relationship.
#77. If the hot chick you've been obsessing over is at your place, acting interested in you, and you let it slip that you've been obsessing over her, try not to accidentally kill her. This also sets the wrong tone in the beginning of the relationship.
"At present nothing is possible except to extend the area of sanity little by little."
79. that i will never buy another kristen bell movie again.
share80) You don't really have to film an actual play to have a play in your movie.
81. Movies that start with a character that wears the same clothes every day and always comes home at 5:32 PM probably won't show anything else interesting, either.
share82) Not owning a TV is indicative of and/or will cause mental illness.
83) Kristen Bell must have had a botched rhinoplasty since she can't breathe through her nose.
84) If Roman had owned a TV he would have known to answer the detective at the door with "Hey Crabman".
85) Marine parks keep basketball players on hand for dolphin emergencies.
86) Beautiful girls should NEVER be nice to creepy loners.
87) One co-worker offering a cheeseball to another makes a complete scene.
88) Masturbating landlords won't think it's odd that tennants don't know which apartment number is theirs, and will open any door for any creepy loner that asks.
89) Having obvious mental/emotional problems will cause hot girls to hound you to have dinner with them.
90) Entering the landlord's apartment with a black light might result in retinal burns.
91) Low rent apartments are crawling with hot, single girls instead of unemployed alcoholics and crack-heads.
92) Beautiful women will choose an obvious lunatic over a porn-addict anyday.
93) Roman's wall looked a bit bland before he fingerpainted his sweet cigarette ash TV.
94) In the real world, even May would not want Roman for a friend.