hey, just wondering what every1s favourite lines are?
mines when hes talking about the vagina monologues
'i cant wait to see it, because it sounds so fabulously f ucking stupid'
'a phenomenon called irish hair, and it looks something like this'
'what are children? midget drunks!'
this guy is a legend, cannt wait til i go to his show here in may06
*talking about vodka* "What is this? This is pointless! You can't taste it, you can't smell it, you ... uhhh ... waa ... why are we on a traffic island?!"
"What is it? Is it moving? It's a nun!! Fry her, fry her!"
or or or...
"And you press the button with the picture ... of the guy ... and he ARRIVES WITH A SANDWICH! And you think 'YES, YES! I CONTROL A SANDWICH MONKEY!!' I live in magic land, magic land, magic land ... "
Everyone knows, if I vagina could talk, it would sound like Enya
shareI control sandwich monkey
share(Talking about being drunk on white wine) "I know, I know, I know lets go potholing, in coratia. I know a guy that can drive us......me"
or
(Talking about "youths") "That stand on street corners texting eachother because theyve given up on speech, plotting awful things like how to make cider out of blood" or something like that.
OR my fave
(About funk soul brother) "Im not saying its a bad song but you could get a broom handle, dip it in brake fluid, stick the other end up my arse and put my on a trampoline in a lift and I'd write a better song on the wall" I think its something like that. Cant remember, only saw it twice about two weeks ago.
I love the bit with sandwhich monkey but i adore this line:
on relationships
"D'you know that strange sound you used to hear before you'd go to sleep? That was me chewing the bed, out of sheer boredom. Oh how i hate you! I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning as there isnt time enough in the day! Please just go away!"
lol
and added onto midgest drunks:
"they greet you in the mornin by kneeing you in the face....and then talking gibberish!"
Washu*
"What else are you going to offer hookers in a hotel room? I mean, yogurt anybody? I made some!"
"Have you got any salad? I want a radish! You know, I...I need one. Heroin does that to you."
I love the one in my signature.
And when he's talking about rappers; "I'm gonna f uck you up, I'm gonna dig up your dad and shove him up yer mum and drink yer blood from a drinking cup you f uck"
"Dear Tina. EVERYBODY hates you. Including the people you haven't met yet. Your mom just called and said she's glad she hasn't heard from you." [I don't remember it accurately]
Then there's lots more.
I ate my paintings, I ate them! I ate your paintings too!
You ate my paintings?
OH! And "I just came here cause you said you had a f ucking chicken!"
I ate my paintings, I ate them! I ate your paintings too!
You ate my paintings?
"I don't take drugs. I'm at that age, I don't need to. If I want a rush I just get out of a chair when I don't expect it. Forget to give yourself a couple of days notice before you tie your shoes. Whoosh! What a rush!"
shareGet up so I can kick you again you lying FVCK!!
What has two thumbs and desn't give a crap? Bob Kelso. Pleased to meet youshare
"I... knew you were here, i was at home... i had a bun... and you know what, it was delicious because i knew you were here waiting for me."
Hey! wait!
I’ve got a new complaint
Forever in debt to your priceless advice
I quite like his cat impression...
'...sitting on a matressless iron sprung bed with his big eyes staring at your mewing...MEW!...smoking as well probably...'
I love:
"Your work is so derivative. You just copy me, and mine is sh*t to begin with!"
and
""I ATE your paintings! I ATE zem!"
"You ate my paintings?"
"No, I hate you painting, why do we have to talk *beep* English?"
[deleted]
"I've noticed now I've started to grab my keys, I clutch them! And I push the keys inbetween the spaces of my fingers............so if I do have to hit one of them I'LL F UCKING KILL THEM!"
"I am the snake of truth and I will not be silenced!!!"
I have tried to get HOME with the downies!
shareI don't see teenagers anymore... I see... I see youths. How they're described on police radio reports.
Slumped s shapes in their hoodies, all huddled round a bin of burning grannies, texting eachother because they've given up on speech.
"Your kid makes friends and you have to meet the owners. Have them over to your house to eat your stuff. And it's all very competetive. "this is the hallway, this is the kitchen this is the living room"
I know.
This is the smeg fridge, the whole house is made of smeg, we're made of smeg aren't we? Yes dear"
"I hate my paintings. I HATE them. I hate your paintings too... they're so derivetive because you copied mine and mine were S HIT! to begin with. I hate your paintings. I hate them"
- "You Ate my paintings?"
"No i HATE THEM. Why do we have to speak F ucking English"
"stop it, stop slashing things"
"I have tried to get HOME with the DOWNIES but it makes me feel so incredibly incredibly old.
And it used to be about what you didn't have. All these guys with names like blind dead mcjones.
I aint got nothin and they're taking that away too. And haven't got a guitar i'm strumming my friggin belly button here. Nowadays it's all about what you do have.
I got pecs, i got bitches i got limos, my limo is powered by bitch juice and all my spare pecs are in my limo"
"some cultures are defined by their relationship to cheese"
"Kirk Douglas, Van Gogh, Ear"
don't forget the bit about giving head to a smurf!!!
"just once, you know, what would it be like? nobody needs to know, you go away for the weekend. just once to have the blue salty bulb lolling on your tongue... if i don't say it nobody else will."
Every joke in this show was hilarious and totally quotable. If I had to choose one though, it'd have to be this:
What else are you supposed to give hookers in a hotel room? "Yoghurt anybody? I made some yoghurt this morning! Would you like some? Got granola and everything, you sure? Go on, have a bit!"
i laughed so hard when he talked about the news on radio 4, and went through each person who does it. he gets to john peel and says 'have you ever licked the underside of an ice cube?' then goes back to john humpfreys running on the spot shouting 'where are the ombs?! where are they?! is this pen a bomb?!' genius.
What's that? You just called me a bastard didn't you!
I loved Monster!! =D
I liked the bit about the French and the cash machines...
"are you happy with your mortgage?"..."I don't know...I'm not even sure about this sausage roll!!"
hehe =P
This was on in Australia just last week, and it was so brilliant!
"Miriam's dead!"
"There's a lot of anti-Americanism going on lately. Mainly in...the world"
"Her t-shirt just said 'Mongoloid porn inferno', and I thought, 'That sounds like a busy evening'"
"Every man thinks about smurfs. If I don't say it, no one will"
"She was the kind of woman that other women would say 'Well, she's attractive in an obvious way'"
"It's a beautiful day. The birds are swaying, the trees are singing. I might go for a walk later. Maybe go to the seaside"
"It was called Funk Soul Brother, and I'll never forget this, because it was also all of the words"
But I think the best ones have already been said:
"I control sandwich monkey! I live in magic land, magic land, magic land!"
"You 'ate my paintings?"
"No, I hate zem, why do we have to talk *beep* English?"
It has to be
"Athletes! Are they happy? No! They're destroying themselves! Who's happy? You! The fat *beep* watching them. With a beercan balanced on your ninth belly, roaring advice at the best athletes in the world! You w*nker!"
Having a gangbang in Scotland is like playing Pass The Parcel theres that many layers~Frankie Boyle
"You're ten! You can be drowned or electrocuted, you can't have a *beep* migraine!"
Laura xxx
ps love your signature manicminnie. Ah Frankie Boyle.
You're wrong, and you're a grotesquely ugly freak!
That's one of my favourite lines! I saw him live in my hometown last May, worth every penny, my jaw hurt afterwards!!
Wisdom outweighs any wealth-Sophocles
I'm not even gonna try and quote it word for word but the bit about catholicism was great! "There's robes and a guy and candles a a weird lighting and a child and wine...stuffs gonna happen" Then him going on about being the only one of his friends that wasn't buggered saying that he was worried there was something wrong with him so he wore hot pants.
F ucking brilliant!!! Then of course blowing the smufs!!
"You suck as a son" Ryan Dunn
one of my favourite lines is when he is talking about how nobody has time to cook like they do on tv cookery programmes (i think it was in this part of the show) and says:
"we all just end up sat eating bread out of the bag, dipping it in anything runnier than bread"
there is just something about that line that i love. the whole show is hilarious though and very quotable.