Ja'mie's school formal tips

Ja'mie was on the cover of Good Weekend last week, with a guide to school formals. Click on the links for pictures from the article :)

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Your school formal should totally be the best night of your life. Here, seriously hot senior student Ja'mie King reveals how to have an awesome time, avoid the freaks and, like, get with the hottest guys.

OH MY GOD, FORMAL FEVER IS in the air! It's that time of year when you can dress up, look seriously hot, get smashed and be a total slut at an official school function. Can I just say, as president of our formal committee at my school, I have extensive knowledge about formals.
I know what's good for you, so below is my guide to your school formal with very important tips on fashion, boys, beauty, being a slut, drinking, sex, formal behaviour and so much more. Follow it carefully, girls, and start getting ready, 'cause you are seriously in for the best night of your life!

Pre-formal issues
Get in early First of all, you'll need to ask a boy to go to the
formal with you. (If you go to a private school, like me, stick to private boys' schools only. It's not cool to cross-date with public schools.) It's really important (especially for the less-hot girls) to get a date as SOON as possible. I know girls in Year 7 who asked guys if they would go with them to the Year 12 formal. Don't be embarrassed to ask too early. But choose carefully, 'cause guys change heaps and can get seriously fugly in their late teens.
Hot boys It's vitally important to take a hot guy. This will increase your chances of winning the "Hottest Couple" award and it will help to generally draw attention to you throughout the night. Another tip for the less-hot girls: if you're not going to score a hot guy, then go with a guy with a really zany personality. Get him to wear a top hat, a suit with runners, a white suit (pimp style), or go full punk hair, or something. EVERYONE will look at you. Another Golden Rule. Do NOT go with a gay guy or a suss guy. You'll get called a fag hag and you'll have no one to get with at the after-party.
Hot alternatives This might sound weird but it's really cool to take, like, a disadvantaged person to your formal. If you go with a hot disabled guy or a hot black guy you will totally get heaps of attention and it'll make you look really something, I mean like a hot guy in a wheelchair. Do you know what I mean? Disabled people are really cute, and if he's in a wheelchair you know he's not going to go far or get with anyone else. Black people don't go to big functions much, so they will totally appreciate the invite. And black guys are seriously hot, anyway. Get one with an American accent and your friends will go insane over him.
Does everyone go? You'll notice that fat or fugly girls will start an anti-formal campaign pretty early in the year. This is because they are scared that they'll look fat in their formal dresses and that no guys will go with them. This is probably true. So, seriously, just shut up and don't come. Do you know what I mean? If you're a nerd, a goth, a fat chick, an Asian (excluding hot Asians) or a lesbian, you're basically not welcome anyway. Sorry.
Dress Your dress is probably THE most important thing for the night. You will need to be up-to-date with the very latest in formal fashion. Magazines and TV awards nights will help you out. I'm going to my formal in a replica of what Mischa Barton from The OC wore in the prom episode in series two. My mum's having it made especially and it's costing six grand. (We have to get sequins imported.) Anyway. Whatever you choose, it's important to look elegant, feminine and a little bit like a slut. Boys will not want to get with you if you look like a 40-year-old.
It's also a good idea to keep an eye on what your friends are planning to wear. You don't want them to look hotter than you. Advise them to wear a really fugly colour and lie about how good it looks on them.
Attention-seeking girls Girls should not under any circumstances dress in a "zany" fashion. It's your job to look hot at the formal. Don't confuse your role. This dumb slut came to my Year 10 formal in a white suit and gangster hat, looking like some Alicia Keys wannabe freak. Seriously foul. And another fat nerd girl came with fairy wings and a wand. Piss off. Seriously. Girls who come to the formal with other girls (lesbians) are basically massive attention seekers. If you're a lesbian, I am totally understanding of homo rights but, seriously, can you just keep it to yourself for one night please?
Charity ribbon Wear a ribbon for a charity. Fold a random piece of ribbon and pin it to your dress. It makes you look really compassionate and caring. If you don't know any causes, just make one up. Hurricane Katrina is still really cool, so say it's for that.

Beauty preparations
Tan Main thing to decide on is solarium or spray-on tan. If it's solarium, you'll need at least 10 sessions, so start early. You want to look a little bit burnt on the night but not to the point where your skin peels.
I recommend spray-on tans. If you're going to apply fake tan yourself, MAKE SURE you wash your hands after, or you will seriously look like you've been handling poo.
Teeth Make sure you use a teeth-whitening mouth guard every night for at least four months prior to the formal. If you've got crooked teeth, you'll need to get braces a few years before the formal. If you've left it too late, just try not to open your mouth too much on the night.
Weight You'll need to lose a fair bit of weight before the formal. I advise a quick weight-loss program. I take about four to five days off school leading up to the formal and just totally starve myself. It tightens the skin and makes your stomach look hot.
Hair Buns are seriously foul, so don't even consider it. It's all about length this year. Get extensions if your parents can afford them. I am. Tiaras are hot, flowers are not. Note: if your date gives you a corsage, chuck it. Do not be caught dead wearing it.

The big night
Pre-formal photo shoot Remember, this is probably the hottest that you will ever look in your life, so you should get plenty of evidence. Get your parents to hire a photographer with full lights and stuff and do a solo photo shoot in your bedroom before everyone arrives.
pre-formal party Okay, you have to get smashed at the pre-formal party. There is no alcohol at the formal, remember, so you have to be drunk enough to last until the after-party.
I recommend Vodka Cruisers, Bacardi Breezers or Lemon Ruskis.
Note: you can smuggle alcohol into the formal. Get the guys to do it. At my Year 10 formal we planted a whole case of Tropical UDL in a cupboard. It was unreal. Hip flasks or peel-lid Cowboy shots in the cleavage are good options.
The limo Limos are a must. Go with your two best friends and their partners. On the way there, wave out the sun-roof and scream at passing traffic. It looks really cool... Try and arrive at the venue late so that people will see you pull up. Get out last to drag out the suspense. Make sure your date assists you in getting out of the limo. (If you choose the wheelchair guy, then you might have to help him out, but this is still cool.)
Formal photos There's usually some sleazy photographer with a beige sponged backdrop waiting to take photos of you and your partner. It is customary to pose for him, so do it. Girls, remember your angles. Stand at 45 degrees. This makes you look thin. Turn your head to the camera at the last minute and open your mouth slightly, in a sexual way. I guarantee you will look hot.
Entering the room When you walk into the room, locate your group immediately. Do NOT talk to anyone you wouldn't normally talk to at school. Just because it's an "adult" function doesn't mean you should hang out with freaks. Once you locate your group, assemble and quickly pinpoint where the hot guys are. If you're lucky there'll be a good selection. You'll need to lay the groundwork if you want to pick up at the after-party.
(Note: occasionally there are hot teachers. It's illegal to get with them, but don't be afraid to flirt.)

The formal
The formal itself is actually really boring. Simply hang around your table with your group. Check out what other people are wearing and bitch about them among yourselves. It's usually pretty funny. It's really important to make it appear like your group is having the best time. So occasionally laugh really loud or scream, "Oh my God!" It'll look like you're going off.
Play with your mobile as much as possible. Take phone photos or record crazy videos of each other acting drunk. (If you're not really drunk, just fake it.) Your phone memory will fill up, but deleting various files from your phone will take up a bit of time and make you look busy and cool.
Do NOT eat anything at the formal. You'll usually get a three-course meal, but DO NOT EAT IT. The food will go straight to your stomach, it'll stick out and you'll look like a fat ugly slag for the rest of the night.
Do NOT dance at the formal. Only dumb, show-off sluts dance, or gay smashed teachers. It is totally embarrassing to be seen dancing at the formal. You'll find that some dumb-arse male teacher will try to drag you up to dance to an '80s song. Simply scream really loud and it will look like he is trying to molest you. He'll then leave you alone for the rest of the night.
Awards If you are on the formal committee, like me, you can totally rig the awards. Just tell everyone a few months before the formal that you're leaving the awards up to someone else. Then, on the night, act really surprised when you win "Hottest Girl”, "Hottest Couple", "Formal Princess”, "Best Dress”, "Hottest Hair" and “Funniest Quote of the Formal”. (Plan a quote in advance for this. Last year I won for “whaddup bitch”. It was so funny.)
Formal ends The formal usually ends at midnight and they turn on the lights to make you leave. MAKE SURE you are out of the room before they come on. Harsh lighting is totally unflattering.
Note: this is the point in the night where you ditch the guy you came with. He has usually served his purpose by now and you will not get any hotter guys cracking onto you if he's hanging around. Simply huddle together with your girlfriends and run off screaming towards the party bus. Don't catch his eye for the rest of the night and he'll get the message. (If he's the wheelchair guy you can really easily lose him in a crowd. Another good reason to go with him.)
After-party
Okay. This is where it really goes off. Get your organisers to have it on a party bus. This is a double-decker bus that drives around the city. There's a dance floor and a bar, and it's totally cool. You can dance on the top deck and everyone on the street looks at you. They usually have a really cool DJ who plays Top 40 stuff so it goes insane. You can get smashed now, so start getting into the Cruisers as soon as you get on. (Raspberry UDL is really nice, too, but a bit embarrassing, so pour it into your Cruiser bottle in the toilets.) You can dance like a full slut at the after-party. Guys love it.
Sex It's important that people think you had sex whether you really did or not. A rumour is as good as being true, so start one. Just hang out in the party bus toilets for like 15 minutes. Then emerge and say, "Oh my God, I just had sex with this really hot guy” The rumour will spread so quickly and you will look really cool. The guy will never deny it, either. It will become legendary at school and everyone will talk about it for like a year.
The hazy bit You usually won't remember this bit. Somehow you end up at home in your bedroom with all your girlfriends. Leave the bathroom light on 'cause you'll probably vomit several times during the night. Sleep in your formal dress. If your mum knocks on your door in the morning and says, "How was it?': just tell her to piss off.
Conclusion If you've followed my guide carefully you'll have totally had the best night of your life. You'll talk about the formal for months afterwards. Don't be afraid to exaggerate stories or spread rumours about what happened on the night.
Well, good luck, girls. Hope your formals go off. Yay!!
Love Ja’mie, xoxoxoxo

Ja’mie’s creator Chris Lilley is working on a new comedy series to be seen on the ABC in 2006.