The script.
Okay, so I sorta wrote the script. Because I didn't understand everything they said [I'm from Norway, didn't have a texted version], and I know there are other people out there who aren't a 100 per cent sure about every single line. So I wrote it down, after I finally found a texted version. I think I got it right, just comment if you disagree in something.
Customer: I want something that says «I'm sorry he's dead, but not that sorry. He was just a dog and you shouldn't have loved him more than me». Can you do me a bunch that says that?
Tessa: Rachel, darling, tell your father he can't wear that suit.
Rachel (from bathroom): He looks nice. (out of opening in the door) You look nice.
Ned: Thank you, poppet.
Tessa: Seen better-dressed crab.
H: I have a question.
Tessa: Oh, God, would somebody please put a gag on my daughter?
H: Why is the alphabet in that order?
Tessa: Nobody knows, nobody cares. So, for once in your little life, would you just ...
[Rachel enters the room]
Rachel: What do you think?
Ned: Holy wow.
Tessa: Oh, darling.
H: You look like a meringue.
Rachel: Good.
Luce: You're late.
Edie: Pulled. What's the job?
Luce: Wedding. You always pull.
Edie: One of us has to. Nice couple?
Luce: Haven't met them. All about the mother.
Edie: Isn't it always? Come out with me afterwards.
Luce: Sure.
Edie (surprised): You will?
Luce: Absolutely!
Edie: Oh, cool! Well, we'll go together.
Luce: I'll meet you there.
Edie: You're not coming.
Luce: My favourite advert's on TV.
Edie: You need a love life.
Luce: I have a «like» life. It suits me fine.
Heck: No, I feel good, actually, bizarrely good. Yeah, yeah, no nerves at all. None whatsoever. Thanks.
Coop: Thank you very much, thank you.
Luce: Hi.
Hector: Hi.
Luce: You're Hector, right? The groom?
Hector: Yeah, yeah, I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Call me Heck.
Luce: Well, I did your flowers.
Heck: Oh, did you? Oh, well, they're fabulous. Aren't they, Coop?
Coop: Fabulous, yeah. Although, I wouldn't know a nice flower from a poke in the eye.
Heck: But they're fabulous, aren't they, Coop?
[Luce chuckles]
Beth: So, Ned, how long have you guys been married, then?
Ned: Thirty years.
Beth: Oh.
Ned: If I'd killed her when I first though about it, I'd be out by now. A free man. I remember all the way to the church I just wanted to shout «Stop the car! This is a horrible mistake.» But you can't, can you? So, you just sit there, saying nothing, as the wheels keep turning, leading you on to the longest sentence --
Rachel: Stop the car! I forgot to pee.
Woman: All right, panic over. They're here now.
Man [to Heck]: Good luck, chum.
Heck: All right, Tessa? You all right?
H: Hi, Heck.
Heck: Hi, babe.
Tessa: You wan't some help with this thing?
Heck: Yes.
Coop: I do work out, yes. Don't have a six pack.
Luce: No?
Coop: No. Twelve pack on this puppy.
Luce: I don't really like men with muscles.
Coop: The bonus is, though, I'm very ... I'm very sensitive, too.
H: Heck, I've got a question.
Tessa: Not now.
Heck: What's the question, H?
H: What happens when an unstoppable force meets a immovable object?
Heck: I haven't got a bastard clue, I'm afraid.
Tessa: There you are, you see. Now we can let him get married in peace.
Luce: It never happens. If there's a thing that can't be stopped, it's not possible for there to be something else which can't be moved, and vice versa. They can't both exist. You see, it's a trick question, is the answer.
H: Can she sit with me?
Luce: So what am I doing here?
H: When do fish sleep?
Heck: She's coming round, is she?
Coop: She's coming.
Heck: Of course she is. Yep. When? When is she coming?
Luce: What's your name, anyway?
H: Everyone calls me 'H'. They tell me it's short for Henrietta, but it's not. It's short for Jesus 'H' Christ. That's what my mummy said when she found out she was pregnant with me. Isn't Heck handsome?
Coop: I fancy that flower girl.
Heck: Yeah, yeah, I know you do.
Coop: She likes me. Right? I got that ... I got that vibe that she likes me.
Heck: Coop, it's my wedding day. Can we talk about me?
Coop: Sure, yeah. [Waits two seconds, then whispers:] Did you get the vibe that she likes me?
Ned: Right, last one to the altars's a sissy.
Rachel: Well, this is it.
Beth: Wish me luck.
Rachel: Wish you luck?
Beth: It's a wedding. Bridesmaids always blow weddings. Wish me luck.
Rachel: Good luck.
Tessa: She's here.
Luce: Okay, you're sorted, I'm gonna set up the reception. Excuse me.
Heck: All good?
Rachel: Always.
Priest: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God, and in the face of this congregation ...
Heck: You look beautiful.
Priest: ... to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony.
Woman: Congratulations!
Tessa: Please keep your arms by your side. It's like dancing with a gibbon.
Beth [walks around, looking for men]: Nothing ... nothing.
Luce: Hi.
Rachel: Hi.
Luce: We haven't ... we haven't met. I'm Luce.
Rachel: Rachel.
Luce: I did your flowers.
Rachel: You did? My flowers are nice.
Luce: Anyway, I was just gonna get a ... drink.
Rachel [blocks the way]: I wouldn't.
Luce: What, is there something wrong? I'm here to help.
Rachel: My ring. I was getting some of this puch crap, and ...
Luce: Your wedding ring?
Rachel: It fell off. Off, and in there. My wedding ring is in there.
Luce: And you tried the ladle?
Rachel: Nothing.
Luce: And you can't empty the ... no.
Rachel: No.
Luce: No, it's too big. Uhm ... right. Only one thing to do. Cover me.
Rachel: What?
Luce: Use the dress, I'm going in.
Rachel: You can't just ... Oh, yeah, you really can ...
Rachel [clears her throat]: Hi.
Rob: They say white's the colour of virgins. If I know Hector, the only thing virgin round here is the olive oil.
Rachel: The old jokes really are the best, aren't they?
Rob: I'm Rob. Hector works underneath me, but not in the biblical sense.
Rachel: You're just like he described.
Rob: Now, I need booze. I've just made a cracking filly, thought I'd grease the passage, so to speak.
Luce: Hi.
Rob: Hi.
Rachel: This is Luce. She's a florist.
Rob: Name's Rob. But you can call me anything you'd like.
Luce: And I'm sure I will.
Coop: Mac, can you do me a favor and give me something that's soft and smooth, yeah?
Coop [approached Luce and H, who were dancing]: Hey, H, H! Why don't you go visit your friends, they all miss you.
H: Okay.
Coop: Oh, er ... Our turn for this dance, I think. -- We fit nice, don't we, toghether?
Luce: Yes.
Coop: Let me just come ... Oh, that's ... You okay?
Luce: Yep. Bit tight there, Coop.
Coop: I lost my virginity to this song. -- I do love dancing with you.
Ned [taps microphone]: Hello, everybody. Is this ... is this thing ... is this thing on?
Tessa: Cooper, there you are. Get this berk off the microphone and make a proper speech.
Ned: Unaccustomed ...
Tessa: What are you doing?
Ned: ... as I am, to public speaking ...
Coop: Anyway, these guys are in love. And I think that that's ... boring. They've been in love for years, years! Years that have seen endless amounts of drugs consumed and meaningless sex thoroughly enjoyed, by me! They just stayed at home, as they do. They've been like a married couple for so many years, it's a relief that they're finally married. So, before I do my duty as best man and shag a bridesmaid ... you know who you are ... I would like to raise a glass to Rachel and Hector. May they grow old together, sharing the same pillow. Rachel and Hector.
All. Rachel and Hector!
Coop: Oh, and, now, this is a very big deal. Some say the reason it's taken him this long to get married is his fear of making just this speech, but he's making it now! He's not sure he can do it, I know he can do it! Please put it together repeatedly, here's Hecky!
[All cheering]
[Heck clears his throat, but says nothing]
Tessa: I know something that helps, Hector. Imagine everybody naked.
[Heck remains silent, Rachel gets up to help him]
Rachel: Hi, everyone. I'm Heck ... and, welcome to my wedding.
[All laughing]
Rachel: So, I'm glad you're all here looking at me, 'cause ... 'cause I wanted to tell you how much I love Rachel. What an amazing, wonderful, uniquely fantastic person she is. [To Hector:] Do you wanna keep going?
Heck: No, no, I think you're doing great.
Rachel: Eh ... Okay, so this is me now. I've been looking forward to this day all my life. And I'm glad to share it with so many people I love. And a few people I've never met before. But I'm sure you're all great, too. I feel like I've known Heck all my life. And I know I'll know him for the rest of it. He's my best friend. They say fairytales have happy endings, even though the passage can be rough. But Heck and I were mates, and then lovers. And it's been smooth all the way. Maybe that's a better kind of fairytale.
All: Hear, hear.
Rachel: Sort of, toast-schmoast won't do all that, but if you could all just wish us luck, Heck and I would appreciate it very much. All ready? One, two, three.
All. Good luck!
Luce. Hello.
Man: Hi. You gotta help me. I need a flower. Just one. A good one. The best.
Luce. Okay.
Man: This is my last chance. My last chance flower.
Luce: You're last chance?
Man: I really twatted up. Only the right flower can save me. What about a rose? A red rose? What would that say?
Luce: Love.
Man: Love's nice, that works.
Luce: And fidelity.
Man: Not a red rose, then.
Luce: No. Not a rose at all, it's too obvious. This really is your last chance. We need to find you something spectacular.
[Rachel knocks on the door to Flowered Up]
Luce: Be right with you.
Rachel: That's fine.
Luce. Hi!
Rachel: Hey.
Luce: How you doing?
Rachel: Good. Great. I just ...
Man: See what's out here ...
Rachel: Came by to say thanks.
Luce: It was a total pleasure. Listen, sorry, I'm just dealing with ...
Rachel: Oh, God, of course, go right ahead.
Man [to Rachel]: What's your favourite flower?
Rachel: I don't know. I think I like lilies.
Man: They're wrong.
Luce: How about this? Bird of paradise.
Man: Keep talking.
Luce: Real name's Strelitzia, named after Charlotte of Strelitz. She married King George III, had fifteen kids. They never spent more than an hour apart. He actually --
Man: Okay, stop talking.
Rachel: Do you wanna come to dinner?
Luce: Sorry?
Rachel: Dinner. With us. Heck and me. I mean, you don't --
Luce: I'd love to.
Rachel: Really? Uhm, this Friday?
Luce: Yeah, Friday, why not.
Rachel: Great. I'll just write down the ...
Man: Perfect! This is the one. My last-chance flower. Wish me luck.
Luce: Good luck.
Actioneer: Next item, lot 48, the 1930s American oak mantle clock. Here at £48. At £48. £50. Thank you. Lady bid £50. Lady bid £50.
Heck: Okay, baby, now you got to glare, give out the red eye. I'd do it, it's just that you're a lot more frightening.
Rachel: No, I'm not. Who am I glaring at?
Heck: Anyone who wants that sofa.
Rachel: They can't have it, it's mine.
Heck: Ours.
Rachel: Ours?
Heck: If it's under the limit, £200.
Rachel: I don't see how we need a limit.
Heck: I like limits, otherwise, you'll go mad.
Rachel: Damn right I will, that thing is mine.
Heck: Ours. [Whispers:] If it's under the limit.
Auctioneer: £75. £75 ...
Rachel: I invited someone to dinner, Friday. That florist, Luce. Lucy, whatever.
Heck: Oh, great, I'll cook.
Rachel: Please don't.
Auctioneer: Moving right along. Lot 49.
Heck: Okay, baby, this is us.
Auctioneer: The very attractive leather sofa, there. Brown leather chesterfield, brass stud decoration in slightly distressed condition at £90.
Rachel: I asked because ... And this is my plan.
Heck: Oh no.
Rachel: I thought we'd get Coop along.
Heck: Great idea. Excellent. But what would be better is if we didn't do that.
Auctioneer: £90. Do I hear £90?
Heck: Not from us. Come in late. Psych them on the way out.
Rachel: I think they'd be perfect for each other. Don't you think they'd be perfect?
Auctioneer: £100, £100. £110, thank you.
Heck: Red eye, baby. Still the red eye. Who?
Rachel: Luce and Coop, I think they'd be perfect.
Auctioneer: £120. £130, thank you.
Heck: He did say he was onto a promise at the wedding before she bailed.
Rachel: There you go. It's totally on.
Auctioneer: £150 at the back.
Heck: Okay.
Rachel: It's funny. I went round to say thank you for what she did at our wedding.
Heck: Not yet.
Rachel: You know when you've just met someone but straight away you feel as if they're going to be your friend?
Auctioneer: £170, £180.
Heck: Nearly there.
Rachel: Who knows why? Past life, physiognomy.
Auctioneer: £190.
Rachel: But for some reason you just kind of click.
Heck: Here we go.
Auctioneer: £210? £210. £210.
Heck: Bollocks.
Rachel: I don't know what I'm saying. But do you know what I mean?
Auctioneer: Are we there at £210, all done at £210?
Heck: Baby, we lost it. The sofa.
Rachel: What?
Heck: Over our limit.
Rachel [shouts at the actioneer]: £400!
Auctioneer: £400?
Luce: What are you doing?
Ella: I live here. What are you doing?
Luce: Came to tidy. You should be dressed, Mum.
Ella: Well, I was. I'm just settling in for the evening.
Luce: It's five o'clock. You said you were going out later.
Ella: No, you said I was going out later. Have you finished work already?
Luce: I'm busy tonight.
Ella: What, a date? Does my daughter have a date?
Luce: No. But you could have.
Ella: [groans] Hm. [reading in the newspaper] Tea dances. Reading groups. Bridge clubs. Tragic attempts by lonely old coffin dodgers to meet someone before they give up and peg out. Everybody looking for love. Well, they won't find it, and they certainly won't get sex. All those men are so old, it'd be like playing snooker with a rope. You know those people are sad?
Luce: You're sad.
Ella: No. I'm depressed. There's a difference.
Luce: I wish you'd get a life. I wish you would.
Ella: Yes, I know you do.
Rob: Toby, I'm telling you, that's the number. You've gotta believe me. Oh, come on, Toby, don't be like that. We're friends. Aren't we friends? Well, I like you. Look, would you believe it if Heck told you? You would? Thank you very much.
Heck: Hey, Toby. Yeah, I know. Weird, but believe him, okay? Okay. Speak to you soon. [Flips the phone] All good.
Rob: You see, the truth never fails.
Heck: Yeah, except we were lying.
Rob [Blonde girl walks past him, he turns his head]: Hmm.
Heck: Sorry I'm late, beautiful person. You look spectacular.
Rachel: How was work?
Heck: *beep* Quitting.
Rachel: You always say that.
Heck: [sighing] Just watch me. One day I'll do it. Tell them I don't like them or their cash. Although I do like their cash. Whatever. I'll think of something and then walk out.
Rachel: I'll be waiting. With champagne.
Heck: How much do I wish it was just us tonight.
Rachel: He'll definitely be into her, right? Coop? He'll fancy Luce?
Heck: She's got a pulse, haven't she?
Rachel: No, but I mean ... you do. You would?
Heck: Well, she's not really my bag of chips, darling, but, yeah, I suppose. Oh, what do you think?
Rachel: Of her? I haven't really --
Heck: Oh, no. Shirt.
Rachel: Oh, uhh ... It's gorgeous. You're gorgeous.
Heck: Yeah? Willing to fool around? [Doorbell ringing] Saved by the bell. But you're in a lot of trouble later.
Heck: Hey.
Luce: Hey. [kissing]
Heck: Come in. You look fab.
Luce: Thank you. Guess what I bought?
Heck: Ah, bless you. Rachel'll flip. Sweetheart?
Rachel: Here I am.
Luce: Hey.
Rachel: Hi. [They look at each other a few seconds] So, come check out our new sofa.
Heck: Our expensive new sofa.
Luce: You can't put a price on comfort.
Rachel: You see, a woman after my own heart.
Heck: Listen, do you believe in reincarnation? It's just that Rach thought you guys had met before.
Rachel: That's not quite what I --
Luce: I'd have remembered, I think.
Heck: Well, lets hang these flowers and get that jacket in some water.
Rachel: I'll do it.
Luce: Thanks.
Heck: Thank you, darling.
Heck: Well, so, basically, the book I've wanted to write is a guide to wherever is the coolest on the planet at the time. If it's February, it's the Rio Carnival. And if it's, you know, May, it's bulls in Pamplona. So, if you want a holiday slash party, then, you know, you open the book and there's me telling you where to go.
Luce: 'Cause you've been there.
Heck: Yeah, that was the plan, but, you know ... Rach, life, work. Rach.
Luce: Some day.
Heck: Yeah. Yeah, maybe. Anyway, how about you? Married? Ever been married, ever gonna be married?
Luce: Eh, no. No. Maybe now the laws have changed.
Heck: How do you mean?
Luce: Well, I'm gay.
Heck: [Chuckling, then realises it was not a joke] Mmm. Lovely. Well done. [Doorbell ringing] That would be Cooper.
Luce: Cooper's coming.
Heck: Yeah.
Coop: Mmm. Heck?
Heck: Hm?
Coop: This is absolutely revolting.
Heck: You think so?
Rachel: It is, sweetheart. It's atrocious.
Coop: Anyway, more importantly, listen. It's been three weeks now. Let's have it. How much better is sex after marriage?
Rachel: Please.
Coop: Because, when I've had sex with people after they were married, they have said that it's fantastic. Rach?
Rachel: Get wed and find out yourself.
Heck: Come on, Cooper couldn't make that commitment. We're talking two or three years of his life.
Coop: Well, not a one-person person.
Heck: You really don't think your other half's out there?
Rachel: Or, you know, in here?
Heck: Actually, Rach ...
Rachel: What, there's some gorgeous women around.
Coop: Yes, there are, and I'm trying to sleep with as many as I can.
Heck: And you never fail, do you?
Coop: You know, they teach the birds and the bees about me.
[Luce laghing]
Rachel: It'll all change when you meet Miss Right.
Coop: And how am I supposed to know when I do that, hmm?
Rachel: You don't know, not straight away. It just feels ... warm and comfortable, and you hang in there and give it a chance, before you know it, you're like ... «Yeah, this is it. Must be love.»
Heck: Yeah, I'm with her.
Coop: Oh, I'm with her, too. Give me that.
Luce: I don't agree. I think you know immediately. You know, as soon as your eyes ... Then everything that happens from then on, just proves that you had been right in that first moment. When you suddenly realized you had been incomplete, and now you are whole.
Heck: Actually, I'm with her instead.
Coop: I'm with her, too.
Heck: Sorted. So, who's for pudding?
Luce: Yes.
Rachel: No.
Luce: No?
Rachel: No. If you think that, you think that everyone that doesn't have that business is settling for less.
Luce: That's not what I'm saying.
Rachel: That kind of is what you're saying.
Coop: I think she said it a bit nicer.
Heck: Trifle?
Coop: You look tired, chief. You have a good day at work?
Heck: *beep* I'm quitting.
Coop: Did you check out flower girl back there? Made that speech for me. Later on tonight, we are gonna fall madly in bed.
Heck: Oh, it's going well for you guys?
Coop: It's going very well.
Heck: She's a lesbian.
Coop: Is that right? Cool.
Heck: You don't think that slightly impedes your plans for seduction?
Coop: Anyone can change teams. Not anyone. I wouldn't ... 'cause, you know ... But anyone, I mean ... Hmm.
Rachel: What are you doing?
Luce: It's gorgeous!
Rachel: It's raining!