Let me just start off by saying that this is the funniest stand-up special I have seen on Comedy Central for a long, long time. Christopher Titus has definitely become one of my all time favorite comidians (comedinan? comidinin?)
"When I say crazy, I mean 'We the jury, find the defendent...'"
(at the end of the Anti-Dad bit) "What do you think of that, HUH?! (pause) I think you wouldn't have gotten there without me pushing ya, boy! And that sh*t got canceled, didn't it?"
"She took the c-word. (audience laughs/gasps) I KNOW!"
<I'll get back on my medication tomorrow, I promise>
When all of a sudden a rose such a cladder/ I sprang from the couch to see what was the matter/ I tore open the curtans and there was my girlfriend quite out of her mind/As I stood there heart pounding with fear/ She's banging on the glass door with a vodka bottle... filled right 'bout to here./ I knew the window couldn't take it/ And she screamed open the door you bastard or I'll *beep* break it/ Well I couldn't let her do that, twas my father's place/ So I cracked the door and she punched me in the face!/ So I summoned my manhood from bottom to top and screamed like a little girl, "I'm callin' the cops!"
She got me once. During the fight she screamed. "You got a dinosaur head!" ... "Nuh-uh!"
Doc:Did you or did you not scream son!! Chris:I scream-ed Doc:Good! because if you inhaled the heat from the fire would have collapsed your lungs and you would have died! Chris:Good thing I scream-ed
"Wherever there is hope I will stop it, wherever self-esteem rears its head I will be right there to kick it in the testicles!"
"I stopped drinking when I was fourteen...Yes, imagine the *beep* I must have been. I stopped drinking because it's bad for your health...I fell into a bonfire. (Mockingly) he he he. Yeah when you fall into a bonfire you don't need A.A. Falling into a bonfire is a one-step program."
me and my friends driving down the california coast highway and we are HIGH. (shakes head at audience) HIGH...! im laying in the back of the car staring out the window when i have a moment of clarity. I actually hear myself say, out loud, "guys... tht cloud looks like a rabbit skiing". and my friends are soo high, that they pull over at look at it.
i met a guy in a bar and bet him i was more dysfuntional than him, he raped me (crowd laughs)so I tipped him.... i am very competitive
Jesus died and was reborn 3 days later, that is serious lag.
"Why don't you climb down off te cross, use the wood to build a bridge and GET OVER IT!!"
Therapist: Good. Let that out. Tell me what you think. Chis Titus: Umm, well, I'm paying you 150 bucks an hour I kinda wanna know what the *beep* you think. Therapist: Ah,well, you're dysfunctional. CT:Ok. What's that? Therapist: Well, you don't quite function correctly. CT: So, I'm paying you a bill and a half an hour to tell me I'm broken? I was angry. So, our last session I kicked him in the groin as hadr as I could. Now you don't function corectly. (Smiles and wabes him off) No charge.
Cops in my neighborhood *knew* me. Cops in my neighborhood had my dad on speed dial (makes telephone noise). "Yes, Mr Titus, do you have a federal post box in your living room? (pause) No, we figured. Just leave the boy out front. We'll be by." And I wasn't an evil kid, I just pulled a lot of pranks, that ... happened to be Felonies!
"...And the nice officers help him to his feet." "And that *beep* got canceled huh?" "Now you kinda look like Jesus" "He took her to the gun range.... HAHA!"
"A briar patch of psycho-bitches" "Aaaannnnnnd?!?" "They won't let you stay in jail just cuz you're scared of your girlfriend." "The annual restraining order renewal breakfast." "I'm a seventeen year old burned-up homeless boy with new Nikes and an alligator shirt." "Hey, shut up! I'm talking to my son.... I mean, Merry Christmas, Grandma."