The random commentary of a tired me...
Hmmm, an interesting movie. Not sure about it overall but there are parts that I really liked. Mainly because Jensen gets to act in some parts of this like the kind of guy I’ve never seen him play before. You know, carefree, just a bored student with crazy friends. I liked that.
Of course, then the actual plot kicked in and kind of…ruined it. Lol.
Anyway, I had a randomly funny commentary running in my head (since it was 3am when I started watching and I'm running on empty) and here are some snippets, just cause.
*Major Spoilers Below*
Start. Once we’re through the odd ‘waking nightmare’ with the naked lady and the -cheetah-, we get to see a pretty laid-back looking Jensen, all college boy with wacky friends and little freckles. It was cute, him seeming normal for once.
Characters. Conrad is into some deep crap, that’s pretty obvious, and Dakota is about as fecked up as one person can be, but Jake (who I WILL just be calling Jensen throughout this) seems to care about them, so…
Skip a bit, cause nothing much happened.
Okay, the sex scene? Way overacted on Swain’s part. Sweetheart you’re riding Jensen Ackles, not a horse. Your days on Lolita didn’t teach you anything about sex scenes? He was pretty convincing though, but there’s no surprise. What can’t this man do? (Cept save this movie from its bottom-of-the-box-office hell).
And honestly after that scene I half expected Conrad to come and try it too. Haha. (“Dude, the pathway told me to!”)
Skip some more cause I’ve gone blank.
Monster in the basement. WTF? That thing has HOOVES! Half man/half woman? You mean half man/half horse.
And off Jensen goes to find his Dad, who is asleep, looking all uncomfortable on the sofa. *sigh* He’s all cute, isn’t he Jensen? Look at your Dad…no, I said look at your Dad, not the gun! IGNORE THE GUN!
*bang*
Nooo! That’s Daddy Ackles! You shot Alan? …..Now you’re chopping off your tongue?! What? No, you’re not as much fun without that! Stop it…this has to be a ‘waking nightmare’ right? There’s no way in hell he’s gonna spend the rest of the movie with no tongue.
*wispy noise.*
Ah! Yay, Daddy Ackles is fine. And dinner is ready. Thank god, all this tongue chopping is making me hungry.
Skip more cause I’ve gone off on one about Daddy Ackles and forgotten a chunk.
*thinks*
Ah, okay! Phone call from Conrad. Back on track. He sounds sketchy. Ah, ignore him, he’ll be fine……unless he runs into that horse/man/thingy in the corridor…which he does.
*sigh*
Okay, so Conrad shoots those two people.
*sigh again*
Explain this to me here, Jensen. You open their door the next morning and see them lying there. What do you do? You go inside. Wait no…INSIDE?! Is that not the stupidest thing to do? You’ll be suspected, dumb ass, if you’re found in the room with two dead people. What the hell is wrong with you?
By the way, did I mention how good you look in that shirt?
Anyway…
Skipped a bunch, (annoying Dakota girl is dead too, cut off the finger, blah blah, can’t bring myself to care when she has such little interest in anyone elses feelings, rode Jensen like a horse, etc) but... Uncle Ross is dead now too…and I’m thinking “wow, this thing likes people’s ears” because Conrad had pencils in his and Uncle Ross has most of a tree through his right now. Of course, I then get distracted by Jensen’s tantrum up against the car – cause he’s just so good at this acting thing. Gah, he’s so underrated it hurts my stomach.
Sossamon is doing well too, looking genuinely upset and thoroughly disturbed. Hot as you are, Jenny-boy, I can honestly say with all these people dying around you, I’d be well gone by now.
Aw, and you both look so pretty in the next scene too, the funeral. Sossamon has the ability to look just a little bit broken which just mirrors whatever the feck it is that Jensen is doing to make this movie watchable.
Huh…
Now he’s off to see Walt, who in turn sends him in the direction of some ‘devoted’ Satan worshipper. What fun! That’s exactly where a smart person would want to go. *rolls eyes*
Oh, it’s okay! This guy played The Grim Reaper in Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey. In retrospect he’s about as threatening as a cuddly toy…I think his dog has a crush on you though, Jensen.
Oooh, and now it’s that guy from Dark Angel! Ames White, being – if possible – MORE evil than he was on that show. Kater Games. Interesting.
Aaand, now here is Jensen again, with Shannon. Shouting at her. Shouting at the one character who cares about him and believes the things he says. You know, this guy is just amazing me with how smart he is.
Why do script writers make it so hard to sympathise with the lead roles like this? We all sit there going “No, don’t do that, that is silly.” So when they go and do it, we’re just thinking “I told you so!” when bad things happen. GAH!
More stuff, Bill and Ted’s Bogus Grim Reaper is talking about his dead wife and child. Jensen finds a box in a hole, Conrad reappears all dead and grey. Jensen is suddenly in Ames White’s office, looking about as confused as we – the viewers – feel.
Aaand, now that guy is dead. Well, it was nice seeing him for five minutes at least. Do you reckon Jensen suggested him for the role? Okay, now I’m getting really distracted.
Don’t know quite how we got here, but… Jensen’s parents aren’t his parents. They stole him from the devil. Hehe. Jensen is the spawn of Satan. COOL. He’s hot when he’s evil. Anyway, now the devil wants him back.
So we’re back in the forest cause Jenen’s car ‘ran out of gas’ and he finds that naked woman again, cept she’s not naked this time. Thank god for that, turns out she’s his mother.
Anyhoo, she leads him back outside, where he finds his ‘parents’ hanging, happily dripping blood into a cup, swinging in a way that makes me want to sing The All-American Rejects best known number, and he falls to his knees and goes…
*cough* – wait for it…
“Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”
And we all say “We told you so.” Just like I said we would.
Okay, and now that woman is suddenly Shannon Sossamon, or Marisol, or just The Devil, it would seem. And she refers to Jensen as her son. Wait…what…eugh? She said ‘my son’ only then she started to kiss him. Huh? This just got weird and randomly incestuous.
*Yucky stab noise*
Yeah! That’s it; stab your devil mother who puts her tongue in your mouth!
*Dances* Did we win? *Dances*
Wait, no, she’s not dead. She’s just turned into the horse/man/thingy. Well, this is fun and not at all confusing - *raises brow*
…And now he’s being forced to drink the blood and he’s going Foamy mouthed....Cool.
Am I insane? Did I make this up in my head? Is my devil mother punishing me? Oh no, help me please…
Are YOU punishing US, Jensen? I just…can’t help but feel…well, anyway, you looked pretty.
I know this was pointless, but I bet I made you giggle at least once, and the movie was fairly pointless too. Admittedly I’ll end up watching it again at some point, if only for the Ackles-in-every-scene-ness of it, but what can I say? I’m whipped.
Hope you enjoyed my wacky commentary, since there isn’t one on the movie itself. Mine is funner than that would have been anyway. "I really like how we executed this scene, it was so zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......"
Oh, and the baby crying throughout the movie? Don’t look so confused Jensen, it’s OUR child! Now come home and look after your son. Jeez…I gotta look after him full time and review your weird movies too?
Give a girl a hand here, cowboy.
Dean, Alec, Dean, Alec, Dean, Alec...*whimper* I really can't just have them both?