100 things I learned from 'The Off Season'

Saying that this movie sucks is the biggest understatement of the year. This movie is an abomination, a cinematic war crime, a pit of despair from which there is no recovery. I cannot believe that I exposed me and my girlfriend to this wretched demon spawn. My Xbox 360 is still laughing at me for making it play it.

On the plus side, every other event in my life, from car crashes, to funerals, to nuclear holocausts, will be infinitely more enjoyable, now that I have endured the horror that is "The Off Season." It has shown me the meaning of true pain.

And now, 100 things learned from "The Off Season..."


1. Somewhere out there is a vandal that smears crap inside hotel bathrooms.

2. "Mold" looks exactly like green paint.

3. If you ever notice a giant blood stain on your bed, don't tell your boyfriend. Just cover that $hit up with a sheet and you are good to go.

4. Creepy stalkers with really bad faux hawks are actually friends just waiting to be discovered. (But we don't need to know how it happens)

5. Apparently in Maine, it is just as light at 2:00am as it is in the afternoon.

6. Damn kids.

7. Old people insist on listening to police scanners at full volume and no one can tell them otherwise.

8. Libraries are very hot targets for potential bombers.

9. Old people keep cactus' in their back pockets.

10. You only need one communal mail box for the whole motel.

11. A ghost can knock you out for a whole week with just a book. (Seriously, how bad would you have to pee after being out for 7 days)

12. Cleanliness is next to godliness.

13. Teeth are a really hot commodity.