This is going to be an awesome HBO special... I saw her live this year and it was so freaking hilarious! I can't even wait until June 28th to tune into this performance. Thank you Ellen for making me laugh. You rule! I hope your special comes out on DVD eventually. Your tv show is going to be a HIT!
share"My dog died yesterday. You're kidding? No, as funny as that is, I'm not."
"Oh! I ran straight into that thing, didn't I! Oh look, blood! I'm bleeding! Isn't that funny? Where is my eye? Where did it go?"
"Hello? Oh, hi Tom. I've been dying to see that movie! Oh, no. I just opened some yogurt. I'm in for the night. No, it's the kind with fruit on the bottom."
Those were some of the funniest lines. To me, anyways. I laughed even when I was typing them.
"Procrastinate now, don't put it off."
-Ellen DeGeneres
Yeah those were funny! I loved those as well as these:
"Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice message system. ELLEN! Is not available."
"Yes, Hi, I'd like to make dinner reservations there's four of us and the name is ELLEN!...oh my"
"Oh...Sorry I'm late...Traffic. Hm. Really? How you think I got here? Hellacoptered in?"
"And we certainly don't have full conversations on cellphones. You know? Usually the reception is so bad, but it's only bad on your side. The person talking to you has no clue...They're just rambling on and on. You've got your finger jammed in your ear, you're shushing people on the streets. You're ducked behind a dumpster so you can hear about your friend's new hair cut. 'What about the bangs are they shorter?!?...Are the bangs shorter?!?...THE BAAANGS!!!"
"I feel sorry for the newscasters you know? We can turn it off. But that's their job and they have to read these stories and they're just coming up on the teleprompter they don't know what's coming up. and they have to go through these change of emotions. That.. "There were no survivors...And next Which candybar helps ya lose weight! Still to come! Is an asteroid headed towards earth...But first where to find the cheesiest pizza in town! Also, a disturbing study finds that studies are disturbing... "
"Then you have these people in the movie theaters that talk the whole time during the movie. You ever go with somebody like that to a movie but you don't realize until you get there that you're with somebody like that? Brand new movie. First day it's open. You're there together and the entire time they're sitting there: "Where's she going?....Why'd he do that?....Is he mad at her?" "I don't know, that's watch and find out together shall we?" You know who you are...You're denying it right now: "I do not do that...Why is she saying that?....What's she gonna say next?"
"I was in yoga the other day. I was in full loadest position. My shockers were all aligned. My mind is all cleared of all shatter and I'm looking out of my third eye and everything that I'm supposed to be doing. It's amazing what comes up, when you sit in that silence. "Mama keeps whites bright like the sunlight, mama's got the magic of chlorox two."
Just to name a few. The whole thing was awesome! Hahah.
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"And the waitress overheard us and said "I have a problem with procrastination too!" and I said, "Really? Get my sandwich!"
"Open here. Is that sarcasm?"
"Is that the biggest popcorn you have, that bucket? You don't have a barrel"
"Some of you are fans, got your tickets the day they went on sale. There you are, five of you. And look at the seats they get!"
"Here I go, Here I go, Here I go again. Girls what's my weakness? Men! Okay then. Chillen, chillen, minding my business, yo salt, I looked around I couldn't believe this. I swear, I stared, my neice my witness. The brother had it going on with someting kind of- wicked, wicked, had to kick it. I'm not shy so I asked for the digits. A ho? No, that don't make me see what I want slip slide to it swifly. Felt it in my hips so I dipped back to my bag of tricks. Then I flipped for a tip, make me want to do tricks for him. Licked him, like a lolly pop should be licked. Came to my senses then I chilled for a bit. So well, it's a spell, hell, makes me want to shoop, shoop, shoop."
- That took me a while.
"Batteries, they're packaged like never before. Thick, laminated plastic, with thick, thick cardboard. I mean, what could happen to batteries? Then you go to buy lightbulbs, thin, thin, cardboard. Open on both ends. What are they thinking? *sarcasticly* Oh, they'll be fine!"