I am 27 year old avarage guy who earn a decent living and have my own apartment etc. I am a straight and smile at women then I meet them on the street or in a shop/store, but for reason I have never been in a situation where I had the opputunity to have sex. It isn't like I don't want to, but the situation has never presented itself.
What do You People say about that??
/Fred
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This post could be a joke, but I'll treat it seriously and hope for good karma.
I am a straight and smile at women then I meet them on the street or in a shop/store, but for reason I have never been in a situation where I had the opputunity to have sex.
You probably have been, but you didn't realize it. The cues can be subtle; men are often obtuse.
But you make a number of odd assumptions in your message. First, if you are talking about sex in the context of a relationship, there are a bunch of steps between smiling at a woman and having sex with her. On the other hand, if you are are talking about sex without a romantic relationship, or perhaps prior to or at the outset of a relationship, the path from smile to sex is simpler, but still far from automatic. The situation almost never simply "presents itself" outside of a Penthouse letter or a porn film.
If you want to have a relationship, you need to find someone with whom you share interests. A lot of sex just tends to happen naturally when two unattached people find they enjoy each other's company. To be blunt, once a woman is hanging out in your apartment at 1:00 a.m. because she feels comfortable and entertained and happy there, you are pretty much in -- though even today men have to make the first move most of the time.
If you just want sex, then you have to put yourself in a position in which you are around women who want sex. That includes clubs, bars, etc. In those situations, if a woman even gives you the time of day, you have a chance, but you'll probably end up going home alone most of the time unless you are unusually attractive for some reason -- exceptionally handsome, smooth-talking, or obviously rich (those kinds of hook-ups are based on superficial attraction, including materialism).
Incidentally, though I think sex is most rewarding in the context of a romantic relationship, on its own it can be anything from disappointing to marvelously exciting. But you have to know yourself well enough to know what you really want. If you just want sex, don't pretend you want a relationship and lie either to her or yourself. I would consider it more moral to hire a professional than to deceive someone truly looking for love. But again, sex gets better when you get to know someone really well, and she gets to know you. I recommend love, if you can manage it.
Quick disclaimer: if you are a virgin without a weird history of hepatitis or something similar, you don't have to worry about passing on any diseases, but you can still get them. Take precautions, which means 1) in a long-term relationship, both partners get a clean bill of health from a doctor, so presuming they stay faithful and take precautions against pregnancy, they can enjoy sex without any anxiety; 2) in short-term encounters, condoms (more than 99% effective per year of use).
Finally, despite what some people say ("Don't worry! Just wait! It will happen!"), yes, there's something a little strange with being 27 and having no sexual experiences (with a partner, that is). Sexual relationships are the most intense form of human interaction between adults. Learning to be in a sexual relationship is a major step in human development. To be approaching 30 and not have that experience is to remain a perpetual adolescent. Also, as this film shows, while sex itself is an instinct, being a good lover requires experience, communication, and effort -- especially for men, but for women too. No one is a skilled lover at first. A man has to learn how to bring a woman to climax, and and while men tend to reach climax anyway, the difference between a knowledgeable and confident lover and an inexperienced and awkward one is the difference between a skilled chef and someone who can make a grilled-cheese sandwich. You won't starve with the grilled-cheese-maker, but you'll get sick of grilled cheese sandwiches pretty quickly.
I do recommend you read some good books on sex first. Ian Kerner's _She Comes First_ is a good start for beginners.
Hi and thanks for Your answer,
First of all I am not smelly and I shower and shave each day. I also shave each day and get a haircut every two weeks.
I am tall and slim and don't wear clothes with either holes or stains on them.
I have have had female friends over the years, but these friendships have everytime ended in the following, there as I thought maybe after being friends for months , and I foolishly said something like "I find You too be a nice person, and enjoy your company, therefore I would like to take you out to dinner or to a movie etc".
Then these friendship end with her looking at me like I just farted or something and then gotten the response like "Are You stupid or something??? Did You really think I was interested in You in that way, then you must be a retard!!!"
After which Our ways have departed for good!
I am not religious man, but after having experienced events like the one mentioned above more time than I can count, then I can't help to begin to wonder, maybe I am not ment to experience that intimate relationship that in most cases result in sex.
I am wellspoken, educated, steady pay-check and a place of my own, therefore it is sometimes very hard for me to watch, that people that society often classify as stupid are able to engage in relationsships, then I am not!
Maybe I am born without the attrack partner gen?? :(
/Fred
Even the non-pretty people get to reproduce, so "maybe I am not me[a]nt to experience that intimate relationship that in most cases result in sex" shouldn't be allowed.
The problem is that you are probably seen as a "friend" automatically and this is how you approach women. You should probably use the method that Will Smith's character in the movie Hitch usually does, which is the "cocky and funny" guy as an ice breaker. There's also this thing I received in my e-mail once a week (I don't read it very much anymore but it was interesting to read for learning about guys and picking up women. I can agree with most of the setups) called "double your dating" that helps the guy that stays in the corner to become that "cocky and funny" guy is that he can engage a girl's interests.
Maybe you should try turning into a crumb. I see a lot of crumbs with pretty girls. Just try it as an experiment in the spirit of Kinsey. I'm not kidding.
shareHi again,
My mind is wired in such a way, that if a women acts friendly towards me several times in a row, then I have made fool of myself and mistakenly believed "hey maybe she wants to be more than just a talking friends".
I simply can't distingues between the two situations, that is my problem.
Having my attempts of engaging in what I thought could have been a relationship ended every time in disaster,then I have come to the following conclusion.
If a women is interested in being more than friends, then she must make it clear to me, cause I don't want to be the fool time and again.
If You get my meaning?
/Fred
Here's a few link to some things that really made me think about relationships with women:
http://www.laddertheory.com/
http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/niceguys/niceguys.shtml
Granted, these are both cynical and sexist, but they hold some kernels of truth, and I think they are pretty entertaining. The reason I point you toward these links is because I think your problem stems from your belief in the flexibility of relationships to change from on thing to the other, i.e. to turn from "friends" to "lovers". We've all had a friend to whom this happened, or a cousin, or maybe it happened to one of us, but the truth is that this type of relationship is very rare, and only occurs when there is mutual attraction at the beginning of the friendship which can then blossom into feelings of a more intimate nature.
In short, I offer these little tips:
1) Be aggressive but not pushy with women. If you like a girl upon first meeting her, ask her if she wants to get a drink with you before you see her a second time. If you wait too long and become friends before you do it, it will make her uncomfortable. (And don't worry about "asking to get a drink" being cliched. Women get fed horrible, cliched pick-up lines all the time, and if you're straight-forward and pleasant in your delivery, she'll most likely say yes. If she doesn't, you can't say you didn't try!)
2) If a girl says "yes" when you ask her out, but calls you to cancel the date or stands you up, don't get discouraged. This is a very hard step to get past, especially if you lack experience. If she cancels or doesn't show up, she wasn't that into you when you asked her out but wanted to be polite. No matter! Your calendar should be open for an appointment with the next new face at the bar, or the library, or your book club, or wherever you meet new people. It's like learning to do anything else, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again!
My point is that women aren't just going to come to you, you have to put yourself out there and probably fail and look foolish, which is hard to do. But don't worry, if you keep at it, you'll get better, and you'll get more confident, and women find confidence sexy.
Also, women don't tend to be as literal as men, so she may be telling you that she wants to be "more than friends", just not with her words. Here's a useful link for picking up on those little details:
http://www.wikihow.com/Tell-when-a-Girl-Is-Interested-in-You
Good luck, and I hope you find that special someone!
-Thom
You need to get laid, Fred. You should approach as many women as possible, as fast as possible, and proposition them into sex without any preliminaries. Perhaps that will get you over the idea that you can have a satisfying relationship without making any commitment (which is obviously how you are currently operating). If you don't put it out there, then you can't get turned down (and feel worthless), right? So, you don't put it out there. Thus, you can say that you're just unlucky. You're current strategy: Mr. Niceguy, doesn't work. Get over it. Get lucky, soon. Good hunting and bring home a few heads for your trophy wall.
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I am no troll and I have been also will be a virgin. Not because I am religious man or a repressed homosexual. No I am 100% straight.
I am simply just unlucky then regards to women and sex.
These are simply points on why I have never had sex.
1) I was not born into a family of means.
2) I couldn't do sports as a kid or teen do to a heartcondition.
3) I am a suffer of autism, meaning that I am not social by nature.
3a) Because I am suffer of autisme I have never been able to read if a woman is interested in me.
I am not a religious man but maybe there is higher point to all this. Maybe I am just not ment to spawn to use and old expression.
I posted this thread back in 2008 then I was 27 year and IMDB keep updating my age every year.
I'm a Conservative, and thats my opinion on this matter.
Hey! Give it a shot, Fred. Supposedly there's a someone out there for everyone. Just because you have some impediments (of which I'm truly sorry), that doesn't mean you can't score. Nothing beats experience. Your perspective will change if you change your perspective (if you know what I mean).
It's like swimming. You can think about it all you want, but if you want to learn how to swim, you've got to jump in. There's no substitute for experience.
Good hunting and don't let modesty or morality get in the way. And remember, no matter how badly you screw up, no one but you and her are going to know.
Interested in collaborating on a new type of film rating system? Contact me.
Mark,
Thank you for your comment. It often find it very difficult to talk about this.
I haven't told many people about my situation. Because I have experienced several hurtful comments when I have like "Well you must gay" or "Did an adult try to abuse you as a child" or "Are you retard".
So I have gotten used to to shut up about or just simply inventing previous girlfriends then I am in a situation where stuff like that is talked about.
I don't know why it ended up like this. I think its a combination of several elements. I was a shy person who didn't socialize well. This mainly do to my parents they weren't the most social of people either. My dad have had since he was a child, mental problems. He was a an educated teacher, but his inabilities resulted in him not being able to hold a steady job for a longer period. My mom was stay at home mother.
In 1991, he lost his first steady job for 10 years. I was 10 years old at the time. Our lives in that period was terrible lack of food, having power, heat being shut of do to falling behind on payment. Also in 1990s our household survived 5 foreclosures on our home. I had to assist my mom in writing letters to creditors from I was 11 years old. also had two paper routes from I was 12 - 15 to help my parents make ends meet. All this made me miss out being a kid and a teenager and accelerated my autism.
All the while in 1996 my mom got breast cancer and had to undergo treatment for this.
I therefore never experienced what it means to grow up, partying, dating etc. I was a outcast both at High School, College and later University because of me not having the tools to interact with my peers socially. But I managed to get an Academic degree and I teach Math at a local College.
All in all Mark, if things had been different I properly wouldn't be a virgin today. The older I get I have been thinking, maybe its just meant to be this way.
I'm a Conservative, and thats my opinion on this matter.
Oh, Fred. How my heart goes out to you. And how my eyes mist over.
Look, I'm going to give you some good advice.
1, Don't be embarrassed by anything you do (provided you don't physically hurt anyone of course). Don't be embarrassed because if you feel embarrassed, you will probably avert your eyes, and averting your eyes is what you should not do. Really, really look at people. Look at them full in the face and without flinching. Be bold. Look at them and how they react to you. If you think they don't think well of you, ask them why. Ask them what they're thinking. Pretend you're talking about someone other than yourself if that's what it takes, but you've got to find out how others truly perceive you, not how you think they perceive you (which is really how you see yourself). Some (many? most?) will blow you off, but some will respond kindly. Those are people who have real heart and you have a lot to learn from them. Don't be pushy but be persistent. Be curious. It's you who you should be curious about and kind people will hold up a mirror by which you can see yourself.
2, Is there someone you admire? A person? A character in a movie? Emulate them. Put their personality on your body like a suit of clothes. If you emulate someone you admire, you will do things that you find admirable and you will feel better about yourself. Is that being a phony? No. Everyone emulates people that they admire to some extent, so you might as well do it too. Be your best friend by acting like (and trying to think like) someone who you'd like to have as a best friend. There's nothing wrong with it.
3, Keep (or develop) a sense of humor in all things. No matter how you screw up, when you laugh at your mistakes you take the sting out of them. Keeping your humor also means not dwelling on uncomfortable feelings. Don't take things seriously even if they seem serious to you. Do lots of trivial things even if it's just walking around town.
4, Your college probably has a psychology department. If not, perhaps a nearby school has a psychology department. They often have a walk-in clinic in which psychology grad students intern. Go in and talk with them. It's been my experience that people go into psychology for one of two reasons: 1, to fix themselves, or 2, to fix other people (usually because they like people and fixing broken people is something they're good at). It's been my experience that the ones who try to fix themselves wash out but the ones who are good at fixing other people are the ones who had strong families, good upbringing, and lots of love, and who display abundant emotional common sense. Seek out such a wise counselor. Be open and honest with this wise counselor. Try several. If you run into one who's there only to fix himself or herself, then go to another counselor. Believe me. When you find a counselor who can make a difference in your life, you'll know it almost immediately.
One last thing: Losers don't get academic degrees. Remember that.
Interested in collaborating on a new type of film rating system? Contact me.
Thank you very much Mark. I try to follow your advice....
Have a nice day :)
Best Regards
Fred
I'm a Conservative, and thats my opinion on this matter.
One thing to add:
If indeed you are autistic, there are bound to be local autistic / Aspergers networks you could join, and find people who understand you and your mode of social interaction.
Plus I've heard the internet's quite good in that way...
Good luck!
;0)
Ricos.
Spot on Mark. And yes i would be interested in developing new rating system. Let me know if I can help.
shareThis thread is an inspiration for people helping others for no other reason than benevolence. The kind and generous advice posters have given this young European man is inspiring. (It inspired me, anyway ;)
i salute the O.P. for his courage to ask for help with his sex life on a public forum (in English!) "Euroman-29" was honest and sincere in wanting what we all want - to better our lives by intimately interacting with others - and was at a stalemate after years of trying without success. Fred appears to understand himself but admits he is clueless about the mating process. (Haven't we all been at times?)
The posters merit admiration for their solicitude, kindness, and humanity in helping Fred, a very deserving young man.
Sincerely yours,
katie keene
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>>To be approaching 30 and not have that experience is to remain a perpetual adolescent.
wtf?
2013: Ain't Them Bodies Saints, Her, Short Term 12, Only Lovers Left Alive
"I have never been in a situation where I had the opputunity to have sex. It isn't like I don't want to, but the situation has never presented itself."
Maybe stop waiting for the opportunity to "present itself" and actually orchestrate one?
I think you are very brave to talk about this here, good on you. I also think you must make your own destiny.
Maybe try these things;
1) Get to know A LOT more people, both men and women. The more that people get to know you on lots of different levels, the more relaxed you will be around them, and better at picking up their cues. Also, they can help you meet other people who might like to meet you.
2) Watch lots of movies. They give you ideas for how to behave, as well as subjects for conversation.
3)Don't think too much about all this. Just enjoy the sensuality of living - get into the feel, and the smell of things and people around you. Become more sensorially involved in life generally. Feel a tree. Smell the rain. Touch stuff. Enjoy your own body, and then it will follow that people will want to get as excited about touching as you are!
I hope this doesn't seem too unrealistic. I think you are obviously intelligent and genuine. Please, just don't be hard on yourself. Enjoy life, and enjoy all the gorgeous women you are destined to touch, and to have touch you!
Walk without rhythm, and it won't attract the worm.
Time out... are you the same person who posted that he loved his late girlfriend too much to have sex with her?
If that is true, then I am very confused...because by saying you loved her too much to sleep with her that implies that you have had the opportunity to have sex, but you chose not to.
Correct me if I am wrong, but your comments on this board come off as hypocritical.