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Watching this series is why I have no soul


Before I say anything about this series, I would like to tell the creators to leave the entertainment business, apply to be janitors of public toilets (that's what they probably were before writing this crap), and go *beep* themselves. Seriously, creators. Go. *beep* Yourselves.

Billed under "romantic comedy" I don’t think I’ve ever hated anything so much before in my entire life. Besides being a boring, predictable (as most romantic comedies are), and unfunny (also as most romantic comedies are) piece of sh*t, the show featured the most cutout and unlikable characters ever to stain my television screen.

THE GUY (Kaoru Hanabishi)
If everyone in the story was asked to describe the guy in one word, it would be “gentle.” But that's because that's the only thing that made up his entire character. This one-dimensional douchebag had some sort of dark and lonely past tacked onto him just to move the story forward (and my bowels too) but he was only there because they needed a guy for marketing.

THE MAID (Taeko)
Her name resembled that of one of the A-wing pilots that flew into the second Death Star with Lando in Return of the Jedi, but she was definitely not as cool. She was the stereotypical maid that had to be in there because the laws of the universe dictate that all these kinds of cartoons need to have a maid. But since that alone wouldn't make her enough of a copy and paste job, they made her clumsy. I guess they figured they'd kill two birds with one stone.

She was supposed to be innocent (three birds?) and not know why people holding a camera would make her wear skimpy outfits and then take pictures of her. Come on. Innocence is one thing, but innocence is not stupidity, and any innocent girl would have at least have gotten the *beep* idea that she was being exploited.

THE MAID'S COUSIN (Chika)
Needless. She was supposed to be flawless, perfect. Why the Hell would I watch someone that boring?

THE MANAGER (Miyabi)
I didn’t hate her; I just hated her not being around so much. She at least provided a few moments of amusement when she came out of her cave to make the guy’s life a living Hell (then I could see him suffer), but she eventually stopped doing it. What a letdown.

THE CHILDHOOD FRIEND (Tina)
Tina was actually one of the only characters (besides the guy who liked trains) that I liked. Sure, she may have also been a stereotypical "free spirit" girl, but it felt that they put a lot of effort into making her stand out from the rest – like her stereotype (the secret word) was necessary to complete the list of personalities that have to be in an anime, but then they thought “No, she deserves more.” So they gave her some depth.

But maybe I just got suckered in by her energy while the other characters were standing around brain dead. Even if that was the case, I will not lie; she definitely stole the show. It felt as if my leg got released from a beartrap when she came on, only to have my d*ck clapped in a rattrap when she left.

Plus she liked video games AND WAS GOOD AT THEM. How can anyone possibly not like her? Only d*ckheads and fascists, in my book.

Ladies, take notes. You may have some prejudices about girls who play games, but nothing garners more respect from a man than having his ass handed to him in Capcom vs. SNK by a girl that was good enough to beat him and all his friends at it. Just throw in a smirk and a confident line and presto, instant admiration. And no, nerds and losers aren't the only people who play video games. If you think that, you're stupid and more socially isolated than the nerds that actually do play games.

THE FAT KID *beep* his name)
He pissed me off. Not so much because he was a pervert that would actively expoit women, but because he had the face and personality that called for a punch to the face. He would get knocked down with the first punch and then cry and beg for his life (even thought it's only a fist fight). Disgusting.

THE OTHER YOUNG GIRL (Mayu)
Irritating. So irritating that I wasn't surprised when her dad called to tell her that he wasn't coming to her party (not that I didn't see that coming). What confuses me is why she would find it suitable for a grown Japanese man to sleep in the same bed with her. Maybe she's just naive...

But then again, if that was the case, why did she rub her crotch all up against his pant leg?

More importantly, WHO WOULD FIND THAT FUNNY OR APPEALING?!

But, she made my anger surpass every level of fury possible when she moved into the household to satisfy the show's pedo stockholders...because she is the reason why Tina stopped being cool.

Again, Tina was the single, illuminating dab of a radiance on the sh*tsmeared glass box of my television screen. She was my only lifeline, the only thing in the show that made watching it just a little less painful than bleeding to death. Now, the little girl was on the show and she corrupted Tina: turning her into nothing more than a frivolous, soulless pawn in a fruitless love triangle that only existed to drag the rotten, meaningless corpse that was the story further.

With shock, disbelief, and anguish, I got up, put on some boots, walked outside, found a basket full of orphaned kittens, and stepped on their heads.

THE FERRET (Uzume)
I didn't know why it was in the show. Oh yeah, I know why. You see, the manager was up to that point the hero of the story. She didn't like that the guy and Aoi (the main girl) were going to get married, so she spent every effort to make the guy suffer in hopes of discouraging his relationship with Aoi and eventually breaking them up: marking the end of the show (an act so righteous and good that it alone would prove that a loving, all-powerful god existed).

But the creators of the show had sold themselves to the devil (how else could they release this sh*tty series?) and didn't want that to happen, so they put in the ferret.

The manager knew what its mission was--to divert her from the divine goal of ending the show with its shallow cuteness--and in her wise and focused demeanor, she despised it. It would just scurry rampantly into her cave and ruin all her sh*t, smiling, knowing full well what it was doing. Yet, in her rage, she remembered her heart for the audience members (the very people she came to save from suffering through the series any longer), especially the ones who may have liked ferrets, and allowed it to live--allowing the strength of darkness to grow even stronger.

One fateful day, the ferret, seeing that the manager's resolve wouldn't budge, devised a final, evil scheme to turn the manager, to annihilate all hope in the cartoon ending once and for all. It trapped itself behind a grandfather clock--a grandfather clock right next the door of the manager's office.

The thick-headed sheep that were the other characters swooped in to rescue the diabolical ferret, who could have freed itself at any time. They tried and tried but they were all too weak and stupid to move the clock. The ferret, forwarding its plot, began to cry.

The manager heard this. She heard all of it. She heard the characters screaming, the ferret crying, all right outside her office. She valiantly tried to ignore the cries, solidly set on her intentions the greater goal of freeing the imperiled audience from the heartless oppression that was the cartoon.

At last, the ferret was about to draw it's last breath, for it was just a servant of the devil willing to sacrifice itself for its master's fiendish plans. Still nowhere to be seen, our hero may still be the champion of hope that all of us were waiting for.

But then, tragedy strikes...

as she opens her door...

and pushes the clock to free the ferret...

There wasn't any celebration that night. No party. No dinner. The ferret's plan had worked -- he had used the manager's heart against her and now had her enslaved to its skin-deep cuteness. Our savior was no more. We would have to endure more of the *beep* story. Evil had won.

THE MAIN GIRL (Aoi)
Oh, here it goes. I’ve never EVER thought of reaching into the screen to choke a character, but whenever Aoi came onto the screen, I seriously hoped that God would give me the power to break reality and reach into the screen with my cold, lifeless hands.

Absolutely, the most God-awful...WORDS-ALONE-CANNOT-DESCRIBE character in the history of television. Hell, story making! She was absolutely the worst. Of her time on the show, a second more would have melted my internal organs with the hot, lava blood that boiled through my veins.

First of all, they invested development into her, but it wasn’t even all that good! She was still the typical “future housewife” main attraction these harems (romantic comedies) have.

She wore a kimono and spent her entire life training to be the guy’s wife. I thought that was bullsh*t from the start. I know that it's traditional for some of the richer, more old-fashioned families to do that, but her case is so half-assed that you know it's bullsh*t.

For starters, she's obsessed with the guy (not love as far as I'm concerned), but her obsession isn’t even all that explained, since we only see brief moments in their childhood together (which is when they separated and she started her training). As far as the audience knows she wants to marry him just because he was “kind.” What kind of bullsh*t is that?! She clings onto him for the better part of 12 years because he was nice? He wasn't all that nice to her to begin with! *beep*

I mean, this guy is surrounded by beautiful women who all want to get down with him, and she doesn’t do anything EVEN THOUGH SHE'S HIS FIANCEE. Please! He's even discovered with a woman in his bed, and she doesn’t do a damn thing! She doesn’t even say a damn thing! It may seem ironic to call a girl a p*ssy, but holy sh*t! I would at least expect her to have SOME FEELINGS of anger directed at him, even if she just hides it. AT LEAST SOMETHING.

Don't give me that sh*t that she never got angry because she was strong enough to control her feelings. No, no one can control their feelings like that. I mean, even Jesus got angry, and Jesus was the guy who went around healing lepers, feeding the poor, and sacrificing himself to save people from the vengeful hand of God. Even if she could control her feelings like that, it's really just delaying the inevitable. No, she's either holding it in, or redirecting her anger to be guilt or insecurity (which is then healed by her getting closer to the guy who was the cause of the feelings in the first place?) Twisted. *beep*

He goes off to screw around and she just lays it on herself thinking it’s her fault. What? She cooks, cleans, waits on his hand and foot, and still thinks it’s her fault when he does that *beep*

Well, yeah, I agree. It would piss me off to have my girl say to me “I can stop dreaming now that I'm with you" over and over again with sincerity. Really, is that so? Well, you know what? GET SOME NEW *beep* DREAMS! LET ME HELP YOU WITH YOUR DREAMS, FOR GOD'S SAKE! Jesus, she doesn’t have any goals and lives a meaningless, zombie-like existence in stasis for a guy that not only doesn’t think anything of it but didn’t even want her in the first place. She even has the gall to ask him if he hates her for not being around her every two minutes. I would definitely tell her I hate her.

This show is the only reason why I thought Ah! My Goddess! was decent. Belldandy would cook and clean (someone's got to do it) but, unlike Aoi, she wasn’t a total *beep* She would go to college, practice magic, and fight evil, not just SIT AROUND THE HOUSE WAITING for the guy to come home! I mean, my god! Get a hobby! Go outside and collect rocks or SOMETHING!

Her whole life revolves around him. Maybe some guys would like that, but my internal organs would rupture from blood pressure if I was living with someone like that.


But, maybe I missed the point of the whole show. Maybe it was just like Thank You for Smoking and I missed the whole point because I took it too seriously. Maybe this show is actually a satire on the whole “romantic comedy" sh*tshot that plagues half of the cartoons in Japan. It certainly would explain a lot -- like how everyone was a shallow, stock character that was there only to make the experience a mind-numbing piss-off-a-thon.

Is it because of poor writing? Or is it because they made a sequel series, video games, and a slew of dolls and other crap that people, except perverts, don’t need that’s convinced me that this series is real, and it deserves to be wiped off the face of the Earth and drowned in the sh*t still backed up in Satan’s ass.

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