Good the Bad the Ugly
It is very sad of me but when a movie has brought as much joy as this one I just had to. Here again is a list of why this movie is just so good! From the IMDB board members. I take no credit.
Scene in the plane “I want details” “I want details”
Scene where he fights whilst sitting down on a small wooden chair
Scene where he inexplicably goes out of his house with a torch to look around his garden just before the house which is seemingly made of cardboard explodes
Scene where he bolts up from eating his imaginary dinner to announce to his wife (dubbed) that he is off to the toilet.
Scene where the thugs offer to leave him alone but calm and collected Seagal takes the hump over a remark about his wife and instead ends up killing half a dozen innocent folks in the restaurant.
Scene where Seagal moves as little as possible to fight an acrobatic monkey guy.
Scene with the bizarre appearance of the random "rapper" bloke in the prison cell, dubbed with an American accent, who was never seen again “don’t forget about me!!”
Scene when his prison mate starts to recount his story but is faded out really badly for a scene of Seagal and his wife.
Scene where Seagal’s young, attractive, eastern European wife is “a bit shocked” that he has killed a bunch of people.
Scene where Seagal wraps a guy up in rope to winch him to the 2nd floor of a drug den.
Scene in the tattoo parlour where none of the entire dialogue made any sense.
Scene where the long voiceover from the white cop procededs him walking out in slow mo and getting shot.
Scene where the white cop gaffer tapped into chair simply gets up.
Scene where the Chinese delivery guys at the drug den all for some reason walk like they have kaked their pants.
Scene of the detectives who should seemingly be miles away looking up and seeing Seagal’s plane fly across some bluescreen.
Seagal’s reaction to having his wife blown up in house (possibly by a dodgy gas main for all we know)
Scene where one guy is following Seagal and the next frame he was watching people make drugs and Seagal was pushing a cart around a factory.
Cardboard cut out special effects fro the 80s.
Crappy "bullet-time" effects, that look like they were designed by a retarded two-year old on a spectrum.
The random wire work fight in the laundrette with the monkey guy which was explained really well
The Chinese blokes we constantly cut to sat around that table, speaking English when English clearly isn’t their first language.
The Chinese guys manage to be sitting in the room in Paris with the boss one second then be thousands of miles away the next.
Seagal getting into the Chinese girl before his dead wife is even in the ground.
Seagal’s indistinctly mumbling and whispers throughout.
The bizarre "chase" after the baddy from the gambling den seemingly dropped in.
The random text telling us where we are, even though we re in the same place as we were before the text
The random text telling us what day it is even though the passing of time was in no way relevant.
The random text telling us the names, nickname and hobbies of all the forgettable villains in an effort to establish characters quickly.
The stand off at the end with little to know dramatic tension.
The final bad guy’s bomb that just produces a small 1inch high line of fire that Seagal has to somehow look dangerous jumping.
The badly edited, completely fake and totally laughable head decapitation of the final bad guy.
Seagal’s candy floss hair with the dead rat that has crawled up and attached itself to the back of his head.
Repeated cutaway from Seagal’s face because it is dubbed. Causing Seagal to rarely appear on screen.
Repeated shots of peoples backs, hands, bodies and long shots while their dialogue is dubbed over the top.
Repeated shots of dubbed dialogue over slow mo and action scenes.
Looped and repeated audio and video. Including the repeated use of the same clip in more than one fight and more than one dialogue scene.
Dialogue between two actors where not one shot was of either of them talking but actually dubbed.
Lines of dialogue that suddenly cut off halfway through or actually change voices half way through.
Seagal not even moving during most scenes or close ups of his hands then a long shot which was very obviously a double.
Seagals ¾ length synthetic leather overcoat, which he virtually wears throughout the movie even when sitting casually at home or in a restaurant.
The seeming unrelated shoot-out in the night club at the beginning, other than to illustrate that the bad guys are indeed a bit bad.
It seems several villains seemingly die by being tossed by the wrist.
Seagal’s look of constipation mixed with utter confusion throughout the film.
The out of place and seemingly random female cop narrative.
The co-pilot in the plane who has the ability to lose his glasses and regain them in a matter of nanoseconds.
Monks that decide to attack Seagal with sticks, and appear with a flash bang grenade (seemingly held in front of the camera).
Slow motion shots moving confusingly into quick pans to other shots
Crap locations.
Terrible supporting actors
horrific blue screen
Atrocious editing
Rubbish car chase
Poor CGI explosions
Annoying cops
Annoying villains
Unsync-ed audio
Cut off dialogue
Obvious wirework
Poor and overused fight doubles
and my fav comment...
A load of Chinese men with tattoos that when killed in the correct order create a code that can be used to open a secret door in a building that there boss happens to be in. Amazing!