Truly Awful - minor spoilers


I rented this movie thinking it would become a new favorite. I mean it has a great title, great plot, and even a great DVD menu. Then I started the movie. Man what a gigantic let down! After twenty minutes I was squirming in my seat hoping it would be over soon. What were they thinking?!? The story made no sense, the acting was beyond bad (even if they were going for cheesy) and worst of all they made Jesus not look like Jesus! One of the best things the movie had going for it was the novelty of getting to see Jesus kicking ass but for some reason they decided to completely change his look ten minutes into the movie. What the hell?!?

I'm sorry, I know a lot of you really like this movie but I think they just wasted a lot of potential. It could of been great but instead it is unwatchable. 1/10

reply

hey artard, what did you expect?

its called jesus christ vampire hunter...were you expecting the passion?

this movie isnt awful....you just have unrealistic expectations.

reply

Of course I wasn't, I was expecting something funny. Afterall, this is a "comedy". I admit my expectations were a bit high because of such a great premise but I could have forgiven it if the movie hadn't failed in every way possible. I could have gone into this thing with zero expectations and at the end still come straight to this board to say how awful it was. That's just the way I feel, anybody else agree?

reply

"worst of all they made Jesus not look like Jesus!"

You mean the popular conception of a possibly mythical figure? Look man, there has EVER been a physical description of Jesus. Not in the bible, not by Josephus, none. Even if JC DID exist (which I'm skeptical of), we have no real idea what he looked like. He was probably a middle-eastern looking guy, not the BS Gibson and his piece-of-crap movie would have you believe.

But yeah, the movie was a stinker. Just not for the above reason.

reply

I agree with you, if Jesus did exist (which I am also skeptical of) than he probably looked nothing like what popular culture has led us to believe. However, in the beginning of this movie they introduce us to the character looking that what and then all of the sudden change it to look like some everyday douche. I just found that to be one more wrong move in this terrible movie.

reply

There are no true atheists, just levels of agnostics. The level of arrogance it would take for an insignificant human (in the scheme of the universe) to claim to *know* there is no possibility of a god would be so massive as to boggle the mind. No sophisticated, intelligent person would ever be so supercilious to assert that a finite being can know things outside their realm of existence, or that the infinite is impossible. The philosophical reality is that no one can know *for sure* that there is no God. It is a logical (and empirical) impossibility. Therefore, there can be no true atheist, only those who ironically *believe* in their non-belief, ergo a system of faith in the unknown, which is nothing other than a religion of the "rational". Even Bertrand Russell admitted this truism, and late in life questioned the usefulness of such a “belief”. Anyway, no disrespect meant, and any self-respecting rationalist will understand that.

I have to agree with the other poster, the inherent humor of this film is the *iconic* image of Jesus, the comedy is rooted in the absurdity of the traditional Jesus getting buck-wild on bloodsuckers. Eliminating those elements that stereo-typically define Jesus as such is actually negating the very root of the humor. In other words, not just dumb, but *perfectly* dumb or perfectly wrong... a very unfunny oxymoron.


"...nothing is left of me, each time I see her..." - Catullus

reply

The irony of your statement is that there could be no true theists. No mortal human could ever claim to know that god(s) existed because they can't perceive anything outside their own senses or ability to reason. You have created a strawman version of atheism. Atheism means that one does not believe in a god. A broad definition of agnosticism reveals that everyone is an agnostic (i.e., no one knows for sure).

Your statement that "no intelligent person...blah blah..." is simply not true. Intelligent people believe all kinds of things. Please take your sophomoric philosophy elsewhere.

reply

I actually agree with Bladerunner on this one. Atheism in my perspective does imply a certain level of arrogance. There is no one who is completely sure about the issue, but its typically the atheists who make claim that they are somehow better informed, as their view is based on realist philosophy. No one really knows for sure, but athiests act like they know better than non-athiests.

reply

Well if you go by William James's logic, there is no such thing as agnosticism. You have a forced choice: either believe that god exists or don't believe that god exists. There is no other option; only two choices. If someone claims to be agnostic, then they won't say they believe in god, therefore they must not believe in god. Thus they are an atheist.

reply

An atheist isn't someone who claims to know for a fact that there is no god anymore than a christian is someone who claims to know for a fact there is a god. There are people who claim these things who fall under there respective labels, but it doesn't define the religion or non-religion. I'm a true atheist. I do not acknowledge a god or deity. The possibility of at least one existing is something I'm not at all concerned with. I don't ponder the possibilities of there being gods because I consider it a waste of time. This is how most atheists are. They treat religion as something impractical, and, well, boring. Why would I want religion when I feel like I'm doing fine on my own. If it makes other people happy, hey, to each his own, but you won't catch me going "Hey, I wonder if there is a god..." because it doesn't interest me. So, don't tell me what I think, or who I am. I <i>am</i> an atheist.

----------------------
"We're not wrong! We're Hollywood executives!"--Neil Gaiman makes me squee

reply

Bladerunner... then I guess I'm the most arrogant being in the universe, because I KNOW, BEYOND ANY REASONABLE *beep* DOUBT WHATSOEVER, WITH ABSOLUTELY NO HESITATION, that the god we refer to when we capitalize the word "God", DOES NOT EXIST. And don't presume to tell me what I do and do not know, thank you very much.

reply

Well if i may be so bold here. Prove it. OR, i've got an even better idea...get back to what made this movie good or awful.

reply

First of all, you do know that this is a review board for JESUS CHRIST VAMPIRE HUNTER? I don't think any of you should be complaining about who believes in God or who doesn't. And if you do, find a more suitable and mature place to do it.

Thank you.

reply

"There are no true atheists, just levels of agnostics. The level of arrogance it would take for an insignificant human (in the scheme of the universe) to claim to *know* there is no possibility of a god would be so massive as to boggle the mind. No sophisticated, intelligent person would ever be so supercilious to assert that a finite being can know things outside their realm of existence, or that the infinite is impossible. The philosophical reality is that no one can know *for sure* that there is no God. It is a logical (and empirical) impossibility. Therefore, there can be no true atheist, only those who ironically *believe* in their non-belief, ergo a system of faith in the unknown, which is nothing other than a religion of the "rational". Even Bertrand Russell admitted this truism, and late in life questioned the usefulness of such a &#8220;belief&#8221;. Anyway, no disrespect meant, and any self-respecting rationalist will understand that.

I have to agree with the other poster, the inherent humor of this film is the *iconic* image of Jesus, the comedy is rooted in the absurdity of the traditional Jesus getting buck-wild on bloodsuckers. Eliminating those elements that stereo-typically define Jesus as such is actually negating the very root of the humor. In other words, not just dumb, but *perfectly* dumb or perfectly wrong... a very unfunny oxymoron.


"...nothing is left of me, each time I see her..." - Catullus"


1. You would love Judith Butler and her way of saying ",I'm smarter than all of you," by using every possible opportunity to pick up a thesaurus. I can't fathom why you would use all of those words other than to make yourself look a *beep* smarter than you actually are. Butler is the exact same way. If you can stand feminism in any form, you will love her.

2. And religious people aren't arrogant for claiming that there IS a God? Come the *beep* on. Can you honestly sit there and tell me that an atheist is arrogant for saying, "There is no "God," for certain," but one who follows some religious tradition is fine in claiming, "There is a God, lets give up a few hours a week so I can get into the surely existent 'Heaven,' and not go to 'Hell'"?

3. I am sorry for even debate that, but your pseudo-intelligence just bugs the *beep* out of me.

reply

"You mean the popular conception of a possibly mythical figure? Look man, there has EVER been a physical description of Jesus. Not in the bible, not by Josephus, none. Even if JC DID exist (which I'm skeptical of), we have no real idea what he looked like. He was probably a middle-eastern looking guy, not the BS Gibson and his piece-of-crap movie would have you believe. "

Yes, but the problem is, it's FUNNIER to see that type of Jesus in a martial arts type movie.

reply

this is the worst movie i have ever seen
my films during high school were more professionally made than this
acting is horrible and script is lame
the fight scenes are retarded
and where are the jokes
i rented it thinking its gonna be a comedy
instead it was the biggest waste of time
however the ending song was good

reply

Watch it again and Pretend it's Waynes World.

reply

"its called jesus christ vampire hunter...were you expecting the passion?"
Well I at least expected jesus to hun some goddamn vampires. Nothing even happens in this movie. I had really low expectations for this movie and it was somehow able to go FAR below them. I was at least expecting to laugh because it was "so bad it's good", but instead I just wanted to kill myself after about 10 minutes. This truly is the worst film I have ever seen.

reply

Hey dumbass you just said it, its called JESUS CHRIST Vampire Hunter not SOME REGULAR JACKOFF Vampire Hunter. The expectation is to *beep* see JESUS kick vampire ass not some tool that looks like everyone else!

reply

The only thing I can agree with you on is the fact that Jesus lost the hair and clothes early on. That ruined it somewhat for me. I thought the movie was freaking incredible, especially the atheist fight scene and Santo. As someone who watches all those old B, horror, Kung-Fu and Santo movies I can't find much to dislike with this movie.

reply

Yeah, I've gotta agree with IAmTheMessageCenter there. I thought the movie was friggin awesome. AND hilarious. I mean, seriously, that guy should get an Academy Award just for his delivery of "We're running low on skin; I suggest we harvest another lesbian!"
And the fight scenes were actually INTERESTING, as opposed to most action movies where it's just a bunch of different ways of hitting people. They tried innovative stuff in this one, which I thought was great.

And seeing Jesus bless a pitcher of beer just made it that much better.

reply

Yes, This movie is awesome. I found it by mis-typing Vampire Hunter D in the search. As soon as i saw the title.. i was like WHAT??? so i clicked it. I read the qoutes. and i was sold. I knew it would be a B movie. So me and my friend jumped into my truck and headed toward Blockbuster. Our friend was walking out and we asked him if BB had it. He was like nope, But there is only one place to get it. he told us, and we headed off again. It was like Fate we were supposed to see it. no traffic, green lights, it was awesome... so we get it. came home and watched it... We were laughing so hard, we had to watch it again becuase we missed parts. Yes the whole changing JCs look, but the whole Mary thing, The Talking Ice Cream, Athiest, yeah... it was freakin AWESOME!!!

Child of 60's; Raised in the 70's; Born in the 80's; Stuck in the 90's.

reply

I believe Jesus Existed simply because if he didn't all those lives changed would not have happenmed, but I digress.
Jesus does not have a certain look because he is god, he is nowhere and everywhere, he is front and back, alpha and omega. (you get the point). So you really can't really call him by one look. Just because pictures show him with long hair that does not mean he does. Pictures simply base him on how men dressed back then.
We will never know until we die.

reply

I loved this movie! I expected it to be horrible, but funny to watch. Instead, I thought it was actually pretty good! Great laughs, funny characters, and the bad fight scenes were at least well choreographed. I love the guy who played Jesus, even with the style change. I don't really understand why they did it, but I don't think it detracted from the movie at all. And the theme song is the best!

reply

Just a note: Jesus Christ WAS on the list of Roman Exucutions at the same time Jesus died. So, you can think he's not the messiah, but you can at least admit he existed. Also, Jesus might have looked like the Jesus we see in paintings because all men in that time period had long beards and stuff.

Read da facts, foo!

reply

They wouldn't have called him "Jesus Christ", as Christ was a title and not a surname.

Just saying.

reply

Actually, they didnt call him "Jesus Christ," they used the surnames typical of the time (location, father's name, etc)

reply

Yeah, what did it for me was the camp and the endearing low-budget production value. It also appeared to be a film that all the actors enjoyed being a part of. Just listen to the commentary, which is funny in itself.

reply

I liked it, but I like Z-grade cheese so I guess that has something to do with it. It reminded me a lot of a Troma movie like The Toxic Avenger.

reply

my teacher is making us watch this in our "religion and the media" class..

jesus.. (no pun intended) ... i would rather watch him lecture than watch this peice of crap. . . weve only saw the first 15 minutes and i'm already bored out of my mind..

i mean..at first our class was laughing at stuff, like how dumb it was.. but the fight scene and the "transformation" were DUMB!!!!!

whoever thinks of this needs help.

reply

Your life must be horrible.

reply

Hey, it was a great production! Where else are you going to see the ultimate in cheesy plotlines and horrid overacting? I (naturally) give this 10 stars out of 10!

reply

Two quick comments, if you don't think it was funny, ok, it stands that this was simply an aspiration to make something silly, which they did,

Also, it is fairly unreasonable that Jesus would have looked like a modern middle-eastern man as that he was in a family with roman-aramaic names (Mary and Joseph) and was Jewish, who have generally been fair-skinned.

Also, I'm everywhere.

reply

I thought it was alright. Seemed the sole purpose of this movie was to push Pro-lesbian propaganda, but hey everybody has to have a message, right? Just like 1943 Batman serial pushing pro-america/anti-japanese propaganda. In the end it's all good, it's all right...well you know the rest.

reply

It was bad, even for a purposely bad movie.

reply

Mary comes from the arameic name Miriam, but Joseph is a hebrew name meaning something like "god shall increase".
When where Jews fair skinned? when abraham was in mesopotamia? when they were in Egypt? I'm sorry, but Jesus probably looked more like Osama bin Laden than any painting rendering him blue eyed and white skinned. He did exist, but he was probably more of an agitator and a rebel against the roman occupation than any messiah or son of god.

and to those of you who asked someone to prove there is no Yaveh, I'll prove it if you prove to me there is no Zeus or Thor or Pan or Hades or any other god that has been thrown on the garbageheap of reason.

...and the movie sucked.

reply

Oh come on everybody, This movie was AWESOME!!! one of the best worst movies of all time. It defintly ranks up there with tremors, ice pirates and army of darkness. Note Best Worst movie. It was hilarious, and had no funding at all it looks like.

reply

I wouldn't have had a problem with Jesus looking like an everyday douche if he kept the longhair and the beard. But then I guess it would have been an unavoided cotinuity issue if they had to constantly trim hair and beards every other weekend. Otherwise, the movie is perfect. First time I watched it, I was expecting nudity, didn't get it. Second time, I just wanted to watch Mary Magnum. For a pursuing actress IMDB doesn't really cover what else she's been in. that is hoping she's got movies and tv we don't know about. Bah. Probably just a head on a few toothpaste commercials. I think what made the movie a let down, may have been the price you payed for + the dvd menus. Making it seem like there's quality to it. I enjoyed it as a torrent download with a discription basically saying "this movie sucks". May have seen it 5 times now.

reply

I liked the film, and even when to change Jesus' looks takes away a big amount of the initial fun, I think it still is great fun.

Nobody commits murder just for the experience of committing it. Nobody except us.

reply

The funniest thing about this movie is the title. And also the fact that this crappy movie can spawn such a ridiculously long thread on the topic of atheism.

reply

What I dont actually understand is why people are saying stuff like

"this is the worst movie i have ever seen
my films during high school were more professionally made than this
acting is horrible and script is lame
the fight scenes are retarded
and where are the jokes
i rented it thinking its gonna be a comedy
instead it was the biggest waste of time
however the ending song was good "

Yes, acting is bad, the script is "lame", the fight scenes are retarded, but there is plenty of humour.

I would like to point out every time I laughed but I would be here typing too long, so here is just a few:
Jesus getting hair and beard cut to make himself look nothing like jesus.
The athiet Fight.
The kick to the foot during the athiest scene.
The explenation as to why specifically the vampires choos lesbians "social deviants"

I cant be bothre any more. I'm right, end of.


"I don't know whether I'm alive and dreaming or dead and remembering."

reply

Brilliant movie.

nuff sed.

reply