The ULTIMATE list of everything wrong with this film.. Please read
It has been some while since I saw JCw and just saw it again. It was upon this viewing that I realized how bad this one really is. I always liked the first one. pretty cool horror film all the way through. This one is actually pretty damn bad now that I think about it, for a variety of reasons, and we are going to list ALL the reasons it sucks Victor Salva molesting balls!
THE "KIDS"
Not a single one of these high schoolers looks anything like a high school kid. Mid 20's? Early 30s? Maybe. Not a believeable looking High School student among them (and I am not lying when I say a friend of mine from Los Angeles is actually one of the "kids" in the movie. He is an AWESOME guy and I am not going to mention which one..I mean I will if anyone thinks I am lying or just really wants me too but its beside the point anyway..the reason I am mentioning my friendship with him anyway is because HE even admits himself that most of what I am about to write is true.) No awkward puberty ridden HS kid among them. I will admit they are a sport team so I suppose that could excuse not having any smaller or nerdier type HS kids. Which leads me to the world famous:
DUDES WITH NO SHIRTS ON FOR NO REASON
The first time you see the boys, they are singing that phenomenal song which is so amazing. There are 12 of them. 4 of them have their shirts off. I will save you so much valuable time here and do the math, Yes this is a third of them sweating and singing and spinning the shirts around like gay cowboys. 2 of the shirtles studs are snuggled up, very closely, to another guy with one having his arm completely around the shoulder of his little buddy. Keep in mind there are GIRLS on this bus sitting alone and even an empty seat or 2 but no, they want it close and shirtless while they ..sing, like the true atheletes they are. Which brings us directly to:
THE WEIRD ASS SONG THEY ARE SINGING
most of those "fight" or "rally" songs are really the same at most high schools with minor changes like the school name and such. This was the most involved and longest, and by far the stupidest song I have ever heard in my life. Any coincidence that this is a Salva film and they scream "MIGHTY COCKS" several times throughout this song? I am sure Vic composed this song while reading Tiger Beat.
THE NAMES
In this world "The Creeper" is strangely and honestly the most normal name. How about the 3..yes 3 cheerleaders. Must be a small damn school. I mean, they just went to the state championship game, and apparently won it, and brought the full arsenal of 3 cheerleaders, headlined by a person named Minxie? Have you EVER heard of a person on the planet named that? Only in a weird movie. Double D, Izzy, Big K... FAKE. I suppose Slapnuts Miggilicutty, Sizzlechest, and Moon Cricket play for the football team.
WHAT TIME OF YEAR IS IT?
OK so days before, a week before, whatever is when Darry and his sister that he secretly has a crush on are on their spring break. No basketball season runs after a spring break anywhere. I know thats a stupid one to mention but I already typed it and my backspace button is way up on the top right of my keyboard and I am hanging out in the letter area so get over it.
THE BLATANT HOMOSEXUALITY/ SEXUAL TENSION/ AWKWARDNESS OF THE BOYS
I dont know about you guys but anytime I am in a car that breaks down the first thing I want to do is climb on the roof and get a tan..but ONLY if a bunch of other dudes do it with me. After all, they are a team so they do it all together right? And when I say "do it all" I mean ALL as in pissing within grabbing reach of each other. No wonder they won the state championship with a closeness like that. The team that pisses inches away from each other in a huge wide open field together.. anyway. The coach even is shocked when they all barrel of the bus together. he turns in shock and says "All of you at the same time?" as they hold hands and skip to the field to participate in the group urination. The best part is perhaps as the group peeing starts the guy in the middle with his shirt off seems to pull his pants all the way down to his damn ANKLES, watch the film if you think I am lying. No unzip and rip for him, he wants his pants DOWN for this pee, as he then insults the guy next to him for seeming to be too gay.
WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY?
They get the flat. They don't get a single signal on the CB radio from the butch dyke bus driver (who also posseses powers of teleporting to trees to smoke cigs with the girls mere seconds after being seen on the bus), neither of the coaches get a signal on their cell phones and other than the weird old man with the bug on his truck during the amazing fight song, not a single vehicle drives on the road that they are plainly sitting right in the middle of the entire length of the film. People must have know Victor Salva was in town again.
THE OBLIGATORY PSYCHIC DREAM DEAL
"Minxie" the magnificent pulls a Final Destination type thing and dreams everything thats going on and knows all the answers because Justin Long has nothing better to do than pull his own Freddy Krueger and invade peoples dreams. She now posses knowledge of all that is relating to the Creeper, the Creepers mparents, his favorite color, how his coat is a normal coat except when he decides to fly and the wings somehow come out of the coat yet don't rip it but when he is done flying the coat is fixed again..all that good stuff.
THE CRAZY STARING DAD AND MOUTH OPENIN SON
That describes them both perfectly. Also the father seems to possess amazing mechanical, engineering skills as he creates his Waterworld Harpoon spear then even fully repairs the gun AND his pickup truck. All at the amazement of his son with the mouth wide open. That poor guy must have lockjaw from working around all his dads rusty metal and spears. This characters constant mouth wide open acting is obviously Victor Salvas Directing style at his finest. "Yes, open wider. Look mor shocked, wider. you just saw the CREEPER! You are so scared that your mouth is opening as wide as possible! OK now he just flew away with your brother, unhinge your jaw. Your dad just shot the Creeper with his super assult spear, grappling hook weapon...Rip your jaw off and lay it on the ground. Thats a good boy!"
THE FREAKIN ENDING!
Its all been covered on the boards, first the Creeper was a shriveled up cotton candy looking thing on a stick yet 23 years later he is there, on the wall, for the "futuristic" kids that are obviously obsessed with the mid 90s and not wearing shirts and drive vehicles from the 1950s or earlier, to see. Now the Creepers all stretched out and sewn back together. Why? So he can kill it again? With the same tools he used 23 years before? How is it that this 23 years in the future looks exactly like they went 23 years into the past instead? The cover charge for a standard Creeper viewing is only 5 dollars? With the way inflation is going it should have been no less than $5,800. Also, crazy staring dad and lockjaw have had 23 YEARS to prepare for this moment, the revenge on the monster that took their little whiny son/brother. They have prepared for this by doing nothing at ALL other than spreading him out and charging future/past kids with no shirts admission to see him. They didnt do anything updated to prepare for this? This also brings up the well discussed issue of what should have been done with the body. Submerge him in concrete, pull a leatherface and go to town on him with a chainsaw, gas and fire the body maybe, chop him up and mix him in chocolate milk..ANYTHING! Of course they come prepared with the best defense/offense of all....Stare at him and keep your mouth wide open.
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO ADD ANYTHING I LEFT OUT