Bumfromkorea's Translation of the Original Story

I was drinking and hanging out with my friends in Shinrim district until 10 pm. But that day was also the day I had to go visit my aunt in Bupyung. I thought I should stop screwing around and left... I took the subway from Sanrim station and in Shindorim I was waiting for a train that headed to Inchon.

So while I'm waiting, I noticed that there was a girl next to me, completely wasted. She wasn't exactly 'celebrity-pretty' but still unique and attractive. She was one of those girls who looked good in yellow t-shirt and jeans. Looked like she was about 24.. or 25...

Maybe it's because she's drunk, but her eyes were almost closed, unfocused, and sometimes gagged. "[gagging noise]"
If she wasn't so hammered, she would be really cool.

Then the train came. It was late... so there weren't so many people inside the train. She and I took the same train... of course, since we didn't know each other, we were on the opposite doors.

As soon as she got on the train, she leaned on a pole. But while a normal person leans against their backs, she was leaning against her stomach, and was waving back and forth precariously.

Her drunken behavior was pretty cute, so I kept watching... In front of her (the chair right next to the pole) a bald man was sitting down... He was reading the newspaper with an utmost concentration. Right on top of his head, she was going back and forth!

No one around her was paying attention to her... I was only watching her too.. But suddenly, she acted strangely. She was shivering for a moment then,

[sound of throwing up]

Yes, it's true... Suddenly, she... on the bald guy's head.... While this was going on, I was the only one watching.

But when the sound of throwing up came around, everyone on the car turned around to look at her... then at the man... and everyone started to roll on the floor laughing.

On top of his bald head were noodles coming down like hairs... a red noodle no less... must have been from the snail dish... then to the shoulder... to the stomach... the chunks and liquids and ...

That man... for 10 seconds he looked as if he didn't understand what had happened, then he wiped his head with the newspaper he was reading. He was so awestruck he couldn't say anything... poor guy!... But... the real fiasco started from there.

After she threw up, she looked at me, eyes barely open, and before she fell down she said..

"Sweetie... [throws up] sweetie... [throws up]"

When she called me sweetie... everyone on the car started looking at me.

"Wha... wait... Miss, who are you? What do you mean 'sweetie'?"

I tried to deny it... but it was too late... everyone was looking at me with a vicious look.

^v^ (a woman next to me who was still laughing)

@.@ (a girl standing by the next door)

-.& (a man who just woke up)

O.O (a girl who just had her eyelids done... sunglasses at this hour?)

^___^ (A student who looked like he was my age)

T.T (This is me...)

Some guy was trying to hit me with his newspaper... some woman tells me 'what the hell are you doing?' Yes... Suddenly, I became the boyfriend of the drunk girl.

The bald man stopped wiping himself off and called me...

"What do you think you're doing? Come here!!!"

'He's going to kill me!' I was terrified... and slowly, approached him.

"Hurry up and take care of this mess. How can you just sit by while your girlfriend is drunk like that? Are you out of your mind?"

"Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir.. T.T."

I didn't have any tissues... I don't even have any hankerchiefs... So I had to take my t-shirt off... my sister bought me that... and started to wipe his clothes.

When things were kinda back to the way it should be... my girlfriend (?) started to worry me. I looked and she was knocked out spread eagle.

I picked her up (actually, I dragged her by her feet)... and sat her down on a chair.. everyone avoided me... damn it...

Next stop was Bupyung... I have to get off.. But what about this girl? I can't just leave her here... the people in the cart kept staring at me. I tried to wake her up, but she just won't budge.

So, without a choice, I carried her and went off at Bupyung... she looked pretty light, but when I got out of the station, I was covered in sweat.

What should I do?... I'm not a bad guy; I don't want to carry around a drunken girl... especially when she's a complete stranger...
My chance??? Yeah, I'm sure it's a chance... wait, you're telling me to just take her?? Having no other options, I looked for a local motel.

"Ma'am, I need a room."
"Oh dear... she's completely wasted."
"Yes ma'am... can I have a room?... Oh, and do you have a medicine that wakes you up?"

So I went into a motel room with her...

She was very skilled... she threw up so much, but her clothes didn't have anything on... so I didn't have to take anything off, I just dumped her off on the bed and... I thought "Why the hell am I here?".. damn it...

I looked at the mirror and I was covered in sweat... I looked like a crazy person..

"Well, since I'm at a motel.. might as well take a shower."

I took a very long shower... a shower after sweating so much... it feels good. I came out afterwards, but she was snoring already... she's impossible...

But I'm not that kind of person.. so I just wrote a memo: "Miss, contact me later." and left my cell phone number.

Do you think she called? If you're curious... I have so many memories with her (most of them hurting me...) Yep... she's one brave girl... She called me next day...

If you think about it, she’s very brave. Completely wasted, and taken to a motel by a stranger (nothing happened... read below)... would you read the memo left by the stranger and call him the next day? If so, send me an email... I know a friend.

So yes... as soon as she woke up, she read my memo and called me. They say ignorance is strength... she probably don’t remember what happened last night.

Me: Hello?
“The Girl”: Who the hell is this? (Like I said... brave... -_-;;)
Me: What? Who is this?
“The Girl”: I called the number on the memo you left at the motel... Get over here. Get over here now!

So I went back to the motel... she was waiting outside. To be honest, I was a bit afraid to talk to her. She won’t remember anything from last night.... and then she would... ‘You son of a b!tch! @$$hole! What did you do to me? I’m calling the cops!’

Me: Excuse me...
“The Girl”: It’s you? (‘You’? Informal you. I can’t believe this girl! (Note: It’s considered VERY rude to use informal format to strangers))
Me: Yes, it’s me... b- but... why are you using informal-
“The Girl”: Hey, I’m hungry. Let’s go get something to eat.
Me: Yes ma’am...

I had to say ‘Yes ma’am’... You had to be there T.T

We went to the nearest restaurant. Apparently, all that drinking did nothing to her stomach... I couldn’t believe it... and when she was done, she looked at mine and said “Hey, are you eating that or not? If you’re not, give it here.” Then, she took it from me, and started munching on it. Damn it, I’m hungry too....

Then she told me to take care of the bill... $.$...

Then she took me to a coffee shop near the Bupyung station. She must live somewhere around here... she knows the area well. She ordered two coffees without asking me, then told me

“You’re buying.”

A thought crossed my mind. Is she? She’s really shameless. Maybe she’s one of those con artists who takes money from guys who help her when she throws up on some bald men....

Then she started telling me about yesterday... sounded like a movie with chunks missing. She didn’t remember my face, but she remembered me helping her and her calling me “sweetie.” What the hell... shouldn’t she be saying sorry to me then?

Then she asked me what happened. So I began to put the missing chunks in her movie one by one. Suddenly, her eyes were saddened, then told me that she was dumped yesterday... She said her goodbyes, drank until she were gone... then, she began to cry in front of me..

People in the coffee shops were looking at me... just like last night.

~.~ ~.~ (A couple next to us (get a room!))

@.@ (The waitress)

–.–? (Some guy next to us)

Whenever I’m with this girl, people start looking at me... But she was really attractive when she was in her right mind (kind of...). Plus, she was crying, and I started feeling sorry for her.

We went outside the shop... then she told me...

“Give me some money for taxi...”

... So I gave her 10,000 won ($10)... I’m a nice guy, right? Actually, I did it because I was really scared. She’s a lot more tougher than she looks. She said she would call me at night.

I lived in Seoul, so I came back. That evening... she was really calling me. And she told me to go back to the coffee shop in Bupyung. She wanted to buy me dinner to say thank you.

I met her at the coffee shop again. She changed what she was wearing and she put on some makeup... she was a whole new person. She was breathtaking.

Then we started to drink. I was a bit nervous... she might drink too much again... and just like last night-

She drank a half bottle of soju (roughly 4~5 shots) without stopping. Then, she was unconscious. Again.

Only half a bottle? Then yesterday, she drank half a bottle? It was unbelievable. I wasn’t going to pay this time, so I looked into her wallet and took out the money for the bill. On her ID, it said 760416-2****** (This means that her birth date is 04-16-1976). I’m 75 (meaning that he was born in 1975). My friend are all 74, but since my birthday is early, I’m treated like a 74. She’s younger than me, and she’s using informals? Maybe I look younger than I am.

Once again, she’s on my back. ‘Please don’t throw up...’. Then I went to the same motel last night. The owner welcomed us... recognizing us...

Owner: She’s wasted again?
Me: Yeah.... -_-;;
Owner: Go ahead, I’ll get you the wake-up pills

I guess loyal customers are indeed valuable, buying medicine and everything. I put her on the bed and looked at her carefully... also at the chest.. area... -_-;;. She really was pretty. I could hear my own heartbeats.

Something was wrong about her. She must have changed into... into this. I think the pain of breaking up had affected her greatly. She probably tried to deal with that pain with alcohol. She’s not acting like a drinker. In any case, I felt sorry for her.

Tomorrow was Monday, which meant I had to go to school. But I gave it up, and slept in the corner... and thought ‘I’ll try to treat her pain...’

You think we’re in a relationship now? I wouldn’t call her my girlfriend... “Like” is too casual, but “Love” is too heavy. But I don’t want to be in love with this girl.. I’m sure she feels the same way about me too...

But I have to help her deal with the pain she’s going through.

Right now, it’s been three months. And yes, there were plenty of... ‘dates’. It’s been pretty horrible three months.... and of course, there are lots of stories to be told...

So... Here’s a good news.. I use informal format with her as well now... After confirming that she was younger than me, then I told her.

Me: Hey! How old do you think I am?!... ma’am? (And I’m stuttering even when I’m saying this)

Girl: You? I don’t know... why is that important? (Her eyes are getting narrower)

Me: You’re a 76! I’m older than you! I oughta beat the crap out of you and teach you some respect! (I wish I could have said that... but...)

Me: I.. I think you’re a 76.. and I’m older... so I thought, maybe...

Girl: Oh, really? How old are you? Ok, then you use informal too..

And that’s how I got to use informal to her. Something wasn’t quite right, but I decided that at least I wasn’t beaten in the process. We have a strange connection, don’t we? It’s been two nights and three days since we’ve met, and we spent the two nights in a motel.

She goes to S university. I’m not that impressive myself... I’m a college student. She doesn’t have classes on Wednesdays, and I don’t have classes on Thursdays.

Few days later, she called me. She said she didn’t have class that day, so she wanted to do something. I was at school... in lecture. I told her I was in class and that I had lectures that afternoon, so I couldn’t get out until 5. Then she told me she was coming here. It’s not like I could stop her.

After lunch, the lecture started at 2. At 2:30, the front door of the lecture hall burst open, and everyone looked towards it. Usually, when students were late for classes, they use back doors. Quietly. Whoever this was, she was one brave student. Then she said out loud.

“What kind of school is this? I can’t find the damn classrooms!”

You guessed it... Our tough... tough girl. As soon as I found out it was her, I turned around and pretend to be asleep. I hoped she didn’t notice me. And then... I could hear her footsteps. She was coming towards me.. How could she know it was me? She couldn’t have seen me...

Whenever I got some money, I usually spend it on food and drinks with my friends, so I basically have one pair of sweatshirts and pants. And yes, I was wearing the same clothes as I had whenever I met her.

I blame the world... I blame alcohol... I blame my friends... I just wanted to run away... She sat right next to me.

It hadn’t been that long since semester started, so though students recognized each other, but the professor didn’t recognize all of us. The professor probably thought she was some brave student late for class.

Then the class continued. But people were talking left and right...
‘She’s new, isn’t she?’
‘She’s pretty hot!’
‘Our school has girls like that?’
‘Finally, a reason to go to this class.’

Some guy with same major as mine whispered to me from the back.

“Bro, the girl next to you is really cute. Let’s work on her after class.”

I thought to myself ‘Moron... idiot...’ If she just forced me to leave the lecture, I’d be known throughout the school as... ‘That guy’. The 20 minutes till the break period felt so long.

Then the break came. In case she started talking to me, I got up quickly. She followed, of course, and told me we should go somewhere else.. What the hell...

I’m not exactly a model student. This professor is famous for giving out Ds for absence and F for an absence and tardiness.

So I told her. In all honesty, I could not ditch this class. Just kill me instead. Surprisingly, she told me “Ok”. And sat back down.

After 10 minute break, the class continued. Two hours left... but she was nowhere to be seen. Did she leave? Or is she just waiting for me?

Then the professor came in and said.

“Gyunwoo. I’ll count you as present, so go ahead..”

“Huh? Professor, why?”

“That girl was your girlfriend, right?”

The lecture hall turned completely silent. Everyone was looking at me with envy. Haha... It felt kinda good. But... what did she say to the professor? How did she convince that intolerant professor to let me go? So I took my stuff and came out. She was waiting for me outside.

“Hey, what did you told him? He’s not exactly understanding....”

Yeah... she told me

“I told him I had to go get an abortion, and that you were the father.”

If someone else had to me this, I wouldn’t have believed it. But... This girl... she was definitely capable....

What kind of situation is this??? I was ruined! My campus life at this point had been terminated. I didn’t do anything to her...

Then I couldn’t go to that class again. I just decided to take the F. The students complained about letting me go, so the professor told them what she told him.

The girls in my major aren’t even talking to me. During the CAD class, Yungmi used to help me with the blueprints all the time, but now she looks at me as if I’m a pervert.

Afterwards, any classes I took, people were talking and talking...

It had been only 2 months since I started college after military service... and I’m already left out.

That’s not all. This is nothing compared to what I had to go through so far.

Oh... I got a B in that class I couldn’t go to any more. I didn’t go to class at all... and only took the final... The professor must have taken my ‘situation’ into consideration. So people started hating me even more. That class... you had to work your ass off to get a B. One in 120 gets an A in that class... A friend of mine told me that such things had never happened before or never will... He told me it was gonna become a campus legend...

She always wants to meet me during the weekends or Wednesdays... Especially wednesday... you know why, right? Yes... For the people who know why... Thank you. You've read all the writings so far... ^^ I live for people like you.

She doesn't have classes Wednesdays... but I don't have any classes either. Like I wrote from last chapter... She came to my class in a wednesday and.. made a mess, so I don't go to lecture on Wednesdays. I can't, actually. (My tuition...T.T)

Once again, on Wednesday, I gave up going to school and was standing by in my house. She didn't call beforehand, but if she comes by and call me and tell me "come out in 10 minutes or I'll kill you!",... I have to get there in 10 minutes.

This one time, she called me, and told me...

"I'm at Shin-do-rim station, so get here in half an hour. I have a bottle of soju with me."

... ... ... ... T.T

I live in Shin Dang district. Even if they don't close down Dang San bridge, I can't get there by subway in half an hour. So I took the cab... And... Yes. She really did have a bottle of soju with her. If I didn't get there in time, she probably would have drank it all by herself.... scary...

Anyway, she called me that day as well. She told me to go to Jam-Shil station's fountain. and.... Without an exception...

"You have half an hour."

This is where my war begins... But today, she was pretty generous with time limit. Maybe she had a good day. 30 minutes... I can take the subway as long as I run like hell...

She wants to go to Lotte World... (A part indoor, part outdoor amusement park in Seoul)

She paid the entrance fee... she even bought the day-pass... I bought lunch... just hamburgers...

Usually, girls turn really cute in amusement parks... When you ask them to ride something scary... they pretend to be scared... and screams, and all that stuff. Right?

I thought... she would be the same... but she rode the gyro drop three times in a row (This is the Gyro Drop: http://youtube.com/watch?v=9ynIwWnro8g )

Afterwards, we went to Sukchon Lake. It was getting dark, and what with the streetlights, the mood was just right... Apparently, in the old days, the place was crawling with gangsters... but now, the place was filled with couples sitting on benches.. we sat down too.

There wasn't much to do... so we just... sat there. Out of nowhere, she wanted to drink beers. I do NOT want to drink anything with this girl. But just a can of beer?... Whatever, it's just soft drink. We bought two cans and a saewookang (shrimp crackers).

By the time we finished, she called out a passerby...

"Hey! Why are you wearing red shirt? Who said you can wear red shirt?!"

"What the hell... Who the hell are you? Crazy..."

The stranger looked at her as if she was crazy. I ran away.. and hid behind a bench.

I guess she got tired of picking fights... with strangers... She looked at the lake and she said it was so pretty. She wanted to take a closer look. So we went through the bushes and went closer.

In her eyes, there were streetlights... lakes... she didn't say anything. She's probably thinking of her ex again. Already, she started to cry. I felt so bad for her... Though she was tough on the outside, she was so fragile inside.

She suddenly said to herself... "That lake is so pretty... I wish I could go inside..." I became a bit tense. I thought she might jump into the lake. I stood by her side... then...

Then, I found myself drowning in the lake... T.T.

I tried to get out, but... I can't swim...

People by the lake gathered around... but no one tried to get me out. Even she must have been surprised... No one knew what to do.

No, you guessed right. She wanted to see how deep the lake was, so she pushed me into the lake... 'Why don't you just stab me with a knife to see how sharp it is?'

Sukchon lake is deeper than you think. The land is in front of me, but I can't stand on the bottom of the lake. No one tried to help me... so I eventually crawled out.

I could hear the siren by then. Someone must have called 112 (emergency number for Korean police)

We rode the police cruiser bravely.. and went to a local station. We had to hear two hours of lecture from an officer. She was nodding all along.

I asked later...

Me: Hey, what if I died then? Why did you push me?
"The Girl": Men are all bastards...

I couldn't say anything... I couldn't be angry at her either. I was just sad. I really felt for her... When can she recover from all that?

Next day, a daily newspaper had a small headline...

"After Being Dumped By Girlfriend, a Local Man Attempts Suicide."

I was very weary of her "toughness" and her ability to make trouble just about anywhere. By then, I was pretty much on alert for any 'sudden situations'. In case she drinks by herself and is helpless... or in case she makes trouble after she's drunk... I wrote my phone number on a card and put it in her wallet.

*If I'm completely out of my mind, please call the number below. Cell Phone #: 016-225-*****

It's just like that lost and found tag you get for your dog. I know... there wasn't any other way.

You know how people can't always be happy? That there's a day when everything goes wrong? That day, I was very depressed because of a friendship gone rather awry. And what's a better medicine for sadness than alcohol? I drank quite excessively that night.

I can only handle a bottle and a half of soju (Note: This is quite a lot for U.S. standard... Soju is 20~25% alcohol) But I don't act up when I'm drunk. I just sleep... quietly. I drank two bottles that day, and I had to head home only semi-consciously.

When I arrived at the Subway station, I suddenly wanted to see her (whose outward looks, at least, was appealing). I took the lane heading to Inchon... and fell asleep

Someone woke me up then.
"Listen, young man. You have to get off here. This is Jemoolpo station." (Note:Jemoolpo station is in front of University of Inchon)

I was still drunk at this time. Just because I slept a little doesn't mean all the alcohol drank already would be gone. Someone dragged me off the subway and had me lie down on a bench. (Still, the world really is a nice place to live in. I was a complete stranger, and that guy had the heart to take care of me)

I looked around, trying to figure out where I was... It really was Jemoolpo station. And then I called her...

"Hey!... I... It's me... *gags* *burps* I'm at... uh... Jemoolpo Station. You gotta come here... and get meeee... in 30 minutes."

She lives in Bupyung. If you think about it, 30 minutes is pretty generous. I was always pressured by her time limit... and I guess I was unconsciously planning for a revenge. -_-;; Then I fell asleep... at least, I don't remember anything after that.

When I woke up... I was in jail. -_-;;

My stomach was not feeling good at all.. I had a blinding headache, and had a painful thirst as well. A cop got me a cup of water..

"Sir.. Why am I in here? Let me out..."
"No, you gotta wait for the call from the DA (District Attorney)"

District Attorney? I must have attacked a woman or something last night while I was drink.. My life was over... I tried to remember what happened, but all I remember is calling her.

Half an hour later... my beautiful and tough girl game in... I realized she hadn't come last night. But then, she told me that her uncle was the district attorney, and he lived in Jemoolpo. She was worried because I did something very out of character, and called her uncle in the middle of the night, then her uncle...

saw me sleeping under the station bench, barefeet... and using a soda can as a pillow.

Apparently, there were some coins thrown in front of me... well, thank you.

Then her uncle had taken me to the nearest police station. I understand the situation and that her uncle was a DA, but still... letting me sleep in a jail? And I was his niece's friend... and of course, she agreed to put me in jail.

Remember how I put a card in her wallet?

Well, she put one in mine...

*Hello. I'm a mental patient. Sometimes, I'm completely out of my mind, so if you see me acting crazy, please call this number: 011-316-**** *

And this is how we have each other's address and phone numbers (and asking people to call this number in.. certain situations) in our wallets. It's pretty cool... -_-;; Later when I get a job at an office, I'm going to xerox it.

That day, she beat the living hell out of me... and told me that if I do something like this again, she'll kill me. 'You're worse than me...'

NOTE: This chapter is not really part of the story. Remember that the author is, at the point of writing this, posting it on a website for people to read. So he took a chapter to clarify some things.

Hello, this is Gyunwoo 74.

Hahyung is suffering because of me... Everyone got a picture of Hahyung, right? She has nothing to do with her...

Also... a lot of emails and memos ask the same questions

Are you cheating on the girl with Hahyung?
What is the girl's cell number?
Is this a true story?

Everyone told me to answer on the next chapter, but if I wrote the answers before the story, it doesn't look good. (It's already too long.. -_-;;) I'll just leave the answers to everyone's imagination...

Oh, and she finally found out about this whole internet story deal. I really hate her friend...

If something happens to me, I'll reveal her friend's ID (Screenname. Also, he's not acting that pissed off either. There are nuances in the sentences that cannot be translated)

I'll probably going to be summoned by her again... What excuse would I use? No, how can I beg her not to kill me? I don't want to die...

And yes.. she calls me...

"Come to Bupyung ?? Cafe in one hour."

She's very pissed off. From Seoul Shindang district to Bupyung station... there's no way subway can get there in one hour... Taxi? Yeah, but only express taxis, and it's gonna cost about 50,000 won ($50). And I'm a really poor guy...

I got there in hour and half.

I thought all my fingers were going to break... I wanted to keep the middle ones.. \_/

From here, I'm going to write this the way she want me to... If the visited counter is lower than before, I'm going to be killed along with my fingers...

I apologize sincerely once again...

Now, chapter six... she's... very pretty?

=========================================================================

She's pretty... She looks very similar to Shim Eun Ha (Photo reference: http://www.jayang.hs.kr/upfiles/%EC%8B%AC%EC%9D%80%ED%95%98-good.jpg)

(Once again, I'm writing the way she wanted me to... I told her we should just post a picture of us... then she beat the crap out of me...)

Her life is very similar to the ones played by Kim Hyun Joo in a Drama

(Remember that cheesy soap opera playing on sunday mornings?... Is it still on?)

She's very smart too... She receives scholarship awards...

(I have nothing to say... no, I don't know what to say to this...)

She's a senior in college right now.. If there's a good position open, she wants you to know that she's very qualified.

(She thinks internet can do everything... wherever she gets a job at, male employees are gonna suffer...)

Remember how she told me that she was dumped and that's why she drank so much in the beginning? She wants me to edit it so that she dumped him...

(Too much TV, if you ask me.)

She's very busy because she's writing her graduation thesis, and she's a economic administration major. She wants to know if there's any thesis paper out there that she can copy...

(I have no idea what this girl is thinking)

Her friend who told her about this... you're gonna print this out and show it to her again, right? Please, please edit out the sentences in parentheses. Please? I'll buy dinner...

I apologize once again... I don't want to do this either, but ... I have to survive.

On her ID, her birthday is April 16th. I don't know why... but on the calendar, it's in June... (Note: Most likely, this is caused by the discrepancy between lunar calendar and Gregorian calendar (which is widely used throughout the world))

Her birthday is very near... Birthday... If I try to pass the day by without doing anything... she.. might murder me. Oh, speaking of murder, she is a 76 Dragon (Note: Meaning that she was born in 1976 and her eastern zodiac is Dragon)... I'm 75 Rabbit... but my friends are 74 Panthers... you know why, right? Fast 75... (Note: Meaning that since he was born in the early months of 75, either in January or February, his friends didn't try to establish an elder-young relationship)

My friends told me.. a Panther and a Dragon can't have a good relationship because they're both fierce. So I reminded them that I was a rabbit... then they said

"Idiot... no wonder you're so... Think about it. A DRAGON and a rabbit? You know what's gonna happen? You're gonna be murdered."

What a great bunch of friends... anyway, as her birthday approaches day by day, I get more and more nervous... what should I get her..

Money? She has too much. Anything she need? Doesn't exist. Me? As I said before, I'm dirt poor.

Instead of something I can buy, I thought about doing something for her instead. Make this birthday even more unforgettable than any birthdays or anniversaries she had spent with her last, so that she can recover as fast as she can from him...

Don't you think it's a great idea??

I thought about a movie... as she opens the trunk of the car, doves... and balloons fly to the sky as a banner rises saying "Happy Birthday!"

Great idea! That would be really cool!

But... I don't have a car... or a driver's license.... Doves? How do you catch them?? and banners? ridiculously expensive.

There's another idea! Even better one! A feasible one!

Before I went off for military service (note: mandatory in South Korea for about 2 years), I used to work at an amusement park. I was in charge of operating some rides, but mostly I was operating a SR2 Space Voyage. (Note: Similar to Back to the Future ride at Universal Studio park)

This one time I was working, Kim Hee Sun came to the park. (Picture reference: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kim_Hee-sun) She rode the SR2 too... I took her ticket, secured her safety belt, and even got an autograph (awesome!).

So, this was it. I immediately called my friends who were still working there. Apparently, they still couldn't find a better job...

In the middle of the night, she and I are the only ones at the amusement park... As I stretch my two arms to the sky, the carousel turns on with fireworks! Now that's what I'd call a movie scene!

I tried to convince them... but they refused.. saying that they'll get fired.. and there'll be security in the place anyhow... but I couldn't give up.

Me: What if I got the security guys something to drink and smoke?
Friends: I don't know... would that work with just couple of bucks?
Me: Here's 50,000 won ($50)... bribe them for me.

My friends look at me like I'm crazy and stands up.......

Me: Fine. 100,000 won ($100).. this is all I got..

They're heading for the door

Me: Fine! Fine! Here's 200,000 won ($200)

We figured out our strategy.
Friend 1 would turn on the main power and go straight to the pirate ship
Friend 2 would hide in the carousel control room
Friend 3 would track us in case she does something crazy, and turn on whatever the ride she wants.

I would go with her into the amusement park... take her near the carousel.. and tell her..

"This is my magic for you."

I stretch my arms, then the carousel turns on with music, and we ride the carousel. Then we move on to the pirate ship. As we go on, one of the friends turn on the streetlight as we pass by them. Then we ride the pirate ship.. Just the two of us... the plan is foolproof! No one in real life could get a birthday present like this...

The day before her birthday...

we have to move in at late night, so I figured the front gate would be closed. I tried to find a side door, but there weren't any... I decided we would climb the wall. She's... probably an expert wall climber..

I practiced in front of the carousel, with both arms stretched out...

Passerbys are staring at me..

And I quickly pretend I was yawning.

I'm so proud of my brain cells... they're learning quickly how to avoid other people staring at me while I'm with her..

The day has come. It's her birthday... A bouquet? I don't have one. I told my friends to buy one for me and put it on the carousel... I pretended that I didn't have any gifts...

She's yelling at me... I have to endure it.. the day is almost over, and I have to keep her with me till the late night. Of course, going for a drink would be the best solution, but... if she drinks a half a bottle... she would be quite unpredictable..

It's 1 in the morning. I called my friends I was heading over there.. They tell me everything is ready.. I sure have a bunch of trustworthy friends

We took a taxi to the amusement park.. she asked me why we're going there... I didn't really answer...

We arrived at the wall of the park.

"We have to climb over"

Her: Are you crazy? Why are we here in the middle of the night? Climbing over the wall no less...

Me: I always wanted to come to the park in the middle of the night... please? Let's be crazy and just do it. You're good at that right?... being completely out of your mind...

She climbs over in seconds... and I took 10 minutes..

My heart was beating loudly. Finally, the best plan of my life is about to come to its full. She might just come for a bear hug when she's so moved...

We headed over to the carousel... everything was going according to the plan... it was very dark, and we couldn't see anything...

In front of the carousel, I turned around to face her and took her by her shoulders, and as practiced, whispered.

"This is my magic for you."

I stretch my arms to the sky.

Silence is broken by sound of music singing happy birthday. Carousel is turned on.

She must have been taken by surprise. She's about to cry. I took her hand and was about to ride the carousel... Then... out of nowhere... I hear whistles..

"Hey!! What's going on!! Who are you??"

And now, we're at the police station.

After getting yelled by securiy for hours, we were sent to the police..

Officer: What are you guys trying to do? Why would you go in there in the middle of the night? Huh?

Me: I'm so sorry, sir.. See, what happened was-

Officer: (He's not even listening.. why ask me why we did it then?) Do you have any idea how much fines you are going to take?

So, she and I... along with my friends... spent the night in jail together... This is my second time in jail... (you remember the first time, right?)

In any case, I guess I did give her an unforgettable birthday gift. Can anyone say they spent their birthdays behind the bars?

My friends told me... they tried to bribe the security, but they refused... Since that job was the only way they can support their families, they can't risk getting fired...

So my friends spent the money I gave them on their cell phone bills.....

Since they promised, they thought "whatever" and let this whole thing happen...

Next day, they all got fired.. (Ha!)

So what about the fines? The next day, her uncle... yes, the one that let me experience the fine institution of jail... came by and took care of it. You gotta appreciate the power of DAs...

But.. I became #1 on her uncle's blacklist...

That's right.. Drug dealers, murderers, robbers, rapists... I beat them all, and took the first place!!!.... -_-;;

I'm still marked by her uncle.. Her parents think of me as public enemy #1. I just wanted her to be happy.

She has almost moved on from him now... To tell you the truth, because of taking care of all the things both her and I did for past few months, I don't think she had time to think about him at all...

Pretty soon, it'll be the 100th day since she threw up on the bald guy in the subway... so it'll be the 100th day since we've met...

Of course, there's no way I'd remember something like that... She called me and reminded me. She's really rough, but there are sides of her that are cute like that..

And once again... what would I do for her.. this 100th day?
If you have a good idea... please email me...
But I got the impression that it was her who was preparing something... What is she up to?..

Sometimes on TV, a martial artist comes out and demonstrates these fancy moves. You won't believe me... but I'm a martial artist too... really.

In Taekwondo, Kendo, Judo, Hapkido, and Kung Fu, I have... one degree...
(1st Degree + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 = 1)

The reason I'm rambling about this is because I wanted to prove to everyone that it's not because I'm physically weak that she always beats the crap out of me. You don't believe me?

... You're right.

It was July, when the weather turned really nasty. For two months, she and I had covered basically all the places couples go to (bar... PC House... movies... video place... motel (?)... ... ... jail -_-). And we were getting tired of going to the same places over and over again.

So we both agreed to "play with some culture and sophistication." and decided to play squash (you know, that sport that apparently only the 'bourgeoisie' enjoys).. I never played squash before, but I did have some experience with Tennis, so I was pretty confident.

She.. wanted to make a bet.

ME: What bet?
Her: Loser buys drink tonight.
Me: I don't want to drink with you... ever...
Her: Then, the loser has to fulfill the winner's one wish.
Me: Okay... Don't regret it. It can be anything!

She's overconfident with her natural athletic talent... She has no idea what's coming... and the game begins!

Bam! Bam! Bam! (No, not the sound of me getting beaten up)

Game over... the result? Of course I won... I can win against her in something... finally!! You owe me a wish!

But the problem started from here. She must've been angry that she lost... she wanted to do Kendo... But Kendo is a pretty tough sport. It's a murder on your shoulder and back...

When I was little, I always kicked ass in swordfighting with little sticks. Everyone who's my age in my neighborhood has at least one scar on the head from me.. So... there was no way she knew how to do Kendo... and even if she did... how good can she be?

I was drunk with victory and... Yes... I was confident once more.

So we go to the Kendo gym... and... what? People in the gym started to say hello to her. "Hey, long time no see.." From here, I started to get nervous... and I was back to my old self again.

Me: It's too hot to play Kendo... let's just go swimming or something!
Her: -_-;
Me: I... I think I have a stomach cramp...
Her: \_/

I was covered with equipments that I didn't even know the names of... Whatever.. the protective pads gotta be sturdy enough...

Everyone in the gym stopped what they were doing and began to watch.... but not the fight, but me... With a strange look on their faces -_____________ - (Kinda like this...)

We both have the bamboo swords... 3 meters apart... I begin to sweat, and there's tension in the air... She approaches, and I stare right at her sword. It looked as if it was rising, then..

BAM!

She went straight for my head... Did I get hit? No way! I parried her attack.. It was awesome. But if I had gotten hit, it probably would've killed me. I called for timeout.

Wait!... Hey! When I watched it on TV, it went head, head, waist, leg... isn't that what we're supposed to do? I wish I hadn't agreed to do this..

I feel sudden pain at my side, then a cramp in my head.. I could see the stars.. then I don't remember what happened..

I could see the ceilings... I just pretended I was knocked out...

Any case, I'd won the squash game, so she still owes me a wish. What should I tell her?... How about if I tie her up on a tree and beat her (for once)?

After that day, I get nervous every time she holds even a wooden chopstick... who knows? She might complain that her food sucks and throws her chopstick like a knife to the cook or something.. A girl with Kendo degree... is scary as hell.