South Asian girls in relationships with white guys? - Bend It Like Beckham (2003) Discussion

[–] mwb1987 16 years ago

I'm not a south Asian girl but am a white American guy who was in a relationship with a girl of East Indian descent (she is American but parents came here from India). The first time I met her family they did not realize we were in a relationship and they were very nice to me. However, once they found out we were more than just friends she was told to immediately stop seeing me. Unfortunately for me, she decided to follow their wishes.

I respect and understand her family's reservations about me, but their sole reason for us not to be together basically came down to the color of my skin. They knew nothing else about me other than I was white. The thing is I was in love with her and would have done anything for her (still would actually), but that did not matter to her family. To sum things up, my experience showed me things are still "very much taboo" (at least with some families).

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[–] 16 years ago

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[–] rainleaf 16 years ago

that’s the thing. because south asians tend to be so family-orientated, culture & religion is a massive part of your life, and you’re expected to conform to ‘idealistic’ ideals. for example, although i do know of a couple of girls in my family married to foreign guys... they (the guys) all had to convert in order for the marriage union to be accepted by society. it's a concept very hard to grasp by people who don't come from a similar background, and becomes almost kind of a nuisance? for 1st or 2nd generation south asians growing up in a multicultural society -- who tend to be less conservative and uptight about interracial unions than their parents or other elders. but because family is pretty much everything to you as a south asian (both a great, and not so great thing) you have to compromise to a lot of their ideals.

=/ thats how life is, unless your parents are cool and liberal about change.

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[–] wok_wyle 16 years ago

It's not just south asian families that pose problems. A friend married an englishmen and while her family didn't take it well at all, parts of his family didn't either. Her parents in-laws are great, but she doesn't have a good relationship with her brother-in-law cos he loves to fling the word 'paki' about.

We can only hope that if third generation people want to have interracial marriages, second generation parents will be more open, liberal and understanding. I don't think there's much you can do to change the minds of first generation immigrants, they were brought up with those morals so it's hardly their fault.

'Be the change you want to see in the world' - Schofield (originally Gandhi)

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[–] rainleaf 16 years ago

oh for sure.
because south asian girl/white guy (or even south asian guy/white girl) relationships aren’t as common as say east asian/white or black/white for example, they’re often approached with so much stigma. but i guess that rings true for every interracial union, especially if it’s not that common within your or your partners family.
interracial marriages are like any other marriages – you fight, you have financial burdens and above all you love – but people are still buried in a past of prejudice and paranoia. it’s ironic because the people who say that an interracial relationship can not possibly be sustained (because of difference in culture or status or religion etc) are the very people who are breaking it subconsciously.

i agree that it also goes both ways. i had a pakistani friend who was in a relationship with a white guy and even though she loved him very much, she couldn’t understand why a friend of his (a white girl that was in most of his classes) would pick on her so much (on little details like why she couldn’t eat meat, or drink or things like that.. since she was muslim). as if being brown made it abnormal for her to date someone who wasn’t. why should you have to justify why you love someone just because you look different – or chose to live a different lifestyle? it’s actually pretty pathetic, really, but i guess for some it’s just considered "human" nature.

lol and so I end my rant :P

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[–] mwb1987 16 years ago

I also agree it definitely goes both ways. My family has always been completely cool with anyone I choose to date. Unfortunately, I can't say the same for many of the other white people in my life. I think it's because of people like them that my ex-girlfriend's family was very suspicious of me. For that reason (like I said earlier) I understood why they had reservations about me.

To answer an earlier question posed, I can't say beyond the shadow of a doubt that religion played no part in her family not accepting me. To my point, though, I know for a fact my skin color was a big factor in the nonacceptance. She told me many of the things her family said about me and I overheard one of them make a disparaging comment about my color.

Anyway, to summarize I hope nothing I've said has been interpreted as me trying to be negative towards South Asians. I have no ill feelings towards anyone based on ethnicity/skin color. I am just telling you my experience with one family.

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[–] 16 years ago

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[–] RParmly-3 15 years ago

Rainleaf thusly,

"that’s the thing. because south asians tend to be so family-orientated, culture & religion is a massive part of your life."

You know, I respect that but it's not like Westerners don't have families, cultures or religions. And yet, my American-WASP great-grandfather wasn't cast out of the family for marrying a Cuban Catholic. Neither of my parents (American-French) were cast out for marrying outside of their nationality. Both those marriages occurred in much more conservative times than those we have now. What makes South Asian families different?

Sorry if I'm being dense here, I genuinely don't understand. OK, so it's stupid to date people just because they're different (the fetish althea mentioned), but dating people just because they're like you is just as shallow and far more common. If you find a significant other you're happy with who's like you, great. If you find one who's not, why should you be denied the chance?

"I ought to tell you something."
"Don't get sentimental now, Dad, save it for when we get out of here."
"The floor's on fire."

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[–] vinnychase 15 years ago

I'm Indian and it's kind of funny bc my parents wouldn't have any problem with me dating a white a girl. I guess it's because quite a few of my family members and friends have been married to white girls/guys so it's almost like they don't even see a difference with white people anymore. For blacks/asians or whatever...eh maybe a little different. Most white girls I meet though who I become interested in, don't even realize I'm Indian though. I have white, slightly tanned skin and I have a slight accent that not even I can understand lol. My mom grew up in Africa and she sort of picked up the "south african" accent so it sort of rubbed off on me. And she also lived in Canada for a long time so I pronounce certain words in the Canadian way haha.

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[–] anghmho 12 years ago

My father was Irish and Protestant. When his half-brother, my favorite uncle, married a Catholic, the family was scandalized. Everybody except my father, that is. Yeah, they were that kind of Irish.

When I met the woman in question, I realized why my uncle had married her. She was wonderful--kind and gracious and smart--and she was a looker, too. And they had a couple of great kids. When my father died, guess which of my relatives offered the most comfort? My uncle did all right.

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[–] BigMom (1936) 2 years ago

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[–] ps90 11 years ago

you poor thing....I'm so sorry. That must be awful. I am an indian girl and I'm not allowed to date an American boy either. But just so you know....please don't feel bad...b/c even within the indian community, indian parents act this way. I want to be a teacher and help kids who have disabilities and that is a career that is looked down upon in my society. Everyone is a doctor pretty much. And my byf chose to listen to his parents and dumped me a few days ago right before valentine's...he was a family friend too for the past 20 years. his parents were always so nice to us....until he said he liked me....then they refused to let us be together and now cut contact with my parents.

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[–] phlythaiguy1-1 10 years ago

Um, East India IS south asian

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[–] lysergic-acid 9 years ago

Call it what it is: plain old racism.

I know that the effect of reverse discrimination (that is, discrimination perpetrated by a minority on the dominant social group) isn't quite the same as that of discrimination in the other direction, but it's still inexcusable.

I happen to be Taiwanese, and I was in a similar situation with a German American girl I briefly dated in high school. She'd initially told her parents that I was just tutoring her in math, and while they weren't especially friendly, her parents were at least courteous towards me, and our brief encounters were perfectly amicable.

But, apparently, when it was discovered that we were dating, the mother became physically ill at the thought and demanded that her daughter stop seeing me. In my case, she too decided to follow their wishes, which I don't hold against her as they were extremely strict parents, and she got in a lot of trouble over the whole thing. (Plus, she was going out of state for college in a month.)

But I have no respect for her mother's prejudice against other races. Even if that sort of prejudice remains hidden from view most of the time, it still has a very damaging effect on our society and culture in subtle but pervasive ways.

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[–] Kaskinen 9 years ago

am a white American guy who was in a relationship with a girl of East Indian descent (she is American but parents came here from India).

Why do North Americans always call Indians "East Indian"? East Indians are people from the eastern part of India, not the country of India in general. Native Americans and people from the Caribbean aren't Indian so it's okay to call people from India "Indian" as they are actually Indian.

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[–] aquarianbrass 8 years ago

The Caribbean is known as the West Indies and Native Americans are known as American Indians. Get over it. Names change and are applied generally at times. Europe wasn't always known as Europe and Africa used to only refer North Africa. America was named after a dude. All names are authentic. The act of naming and the acceptance of that name makes that name authentic.

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[–] BigMom (1936) 3 years ago

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[–] irisandra 16 years ago

Well, I'm the opposite. I am a white girl (Austalian but of Italian descent) married to an Indian guy.

It may be different here in Australia but inter-racial relationships among the Indian community here are not so frowned upon. nearly everyone in my husband's family (and actually, in the community) has married outside the culture.

I think my Nonna (grandmother) was probably the most disappointed - and that was because she wanted me to marry a(ny) nice Northern Italian boy!

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[–] trueangel_15 16 years ago

i live in canada and even though its all multicultural most ppl tend to stick to thier own race, specially in the South Asian community. you will rarley see a white/brown coupple.
i think that for south asian guys there is not much pressure, but for a girl there is a whole lot of it.
my parents have kept on telling me ever since the day i turned 14 that i WILL marry a south asian guy, and if they dont find one here, they'll go out of the country and find 1. they dont care about love, they care about how ppl within the community percive them.

Lt. James Gordon: Well, maybe Batman will save you.

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[–] 16 years ago

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[–] 16 years ago

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[–] rainleaf 16 years ago

btw, valid point but Asian exoticism is a completely different debate however - here we're talking about South Asian girls and the obstacles they face by dating/marrying men outside of their race (we're just focusing on white guys for the sake of relevance to this movie). On the other hand, East Asian girl / white guy is a pairing that is more widely accepted. South Asian culture, as you've seen in this movie, tends to be stricter in terms of interracial relationships (for girls anyway), and arranged marriages are far more common.

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[–] rainleaf 16 years ago

trueangel_15 - Yeah, I come from a community just like yours and I know exactly what you mean. It's very hard to find interracial couples, and if there are any, they're faced with much scrutiny. Sometimes, despite the differences in race/ethnicity, the pairing is perfect but pressure from the community makes it hard for a lot of couples to stay together. Although I don't entirely disagree with the close-knitted culture that we have, it really underplays the need for love in a relationship like marriage. Love doesn't necessarily have to follow automatically just because you've been paired together. It can, but sometimes you don't really have a choice do you =/ Sorry for the pessimistic rant haha.

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[–] squishie28 15 years ago

I'm a 17 year old Australian-born Indian girl, and the 4 guys I've been involved with have all been caucasian, but that was just coincidence. The last guy I dated, our relationship lasted for a year and it was pretty serious so my parents knew, and they weren't impressed that I was dating ANY guy, it wouldn't have made a difference whether he was Caucasian or Asian or Indian. Then again, my family isn't very into the whole 'community image' thing; I know one of my friends has to marry an Indian guy. Incidentally, I was chatted up by some guy of Indian/African descent in a shopping centre and when I informed him I had a boyfriend, he asked what nationality he was, and gave me the dirtiest look accompanied by "Oh, so you're one of THOSE girls" when I said he was Caucasian. Then again, he was a total creep (22 years old and macking on a 16 yr old!) so I guess he was just an idiot.

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[–] 15 years ago

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[–] rainleaf 15 years ago

It's sad when people assume you're the kind of girl who would never date within her race SIMPLY because you're dating a white guy. Before I started going out with my boyfriend (he's caucasian too) I had a crush on a bunch of brown guys at the time, but since my boyfriend was the first to approach me... the relationship just started naturally. I would never ever mind dating a South Asian guy, but some of the ones I've met are so pretentious about the fact that brown girls who date white guys think they're too far up the pedestal. It's not true at all - yes, some girls are like that, but it doesn't necessarily mean that all of us are after "white meat". Wow, felt good to let that out. I know exactly how you feel!

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[–] 15 years ago

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[–] showmeyoursoul89 14 years ago

yeah i havent seem many south asian girls with white guys here. I'm a south asian girl who has personally only been in relationships with whites, and other colours. I have never had a problem, but my parents are really liberal and open with these issues.

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[–] hppg 8 years ago

Hmm, I have seen it be an issue in Australia, probably depends on the families involved

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[–] Zacef 15 years ago

its actually a normality in my family you know. we have many white ppl in our family now (and one black too) and no one has a problem with it...

I Uranus

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[–] thewisetraveller 15 years ago

I had an Indian girl friend. She was born here and grew up here. We went to the same school for years and it was like one among the best schools in the North East. It was one hell of a liberal environment we grew up in. So, inter-racial relationships were not a matter of discussion. But then we started dating. I went to their house for dinner several times and things inside their house did not run like they did in myn. They didn't appreciate humor at the dining table. They didn't appreciate me running my hands through my girl friend's hair. There was an obvious power balance between the men and women of the family. They asked me a 1000 questions about my family. My gf was a whole different person when she's with her family. I was really curious of this whole Indian thing by then. I guessed they are just too conservative for me and I don't appreciate ignorance and after six months of a serious relationship, I realized how ignorant her family was. They were very particular about my gf not having anything to do with African-Americans whatsoever and there was a racist tone to their every conversation about different races. They were like really rich...doctors and businessmen alike. My gf had this thing....she kept telling me how she was taught that her fellow Americans of other races are not smart and that they should be her inspiration to not to be like them and work hard in school. I felt offended because I am a white American. I told her that but she had that tattoed in her....I can't blame her. I broke up with her. It's a shame because she was the most beautiful girl friend I ever had. She was smart and she knew her limits.....she didn't like to watch stupid TV...she didn't want to be in the in-crowd. I hope that I will find someone like that someday. Now, I am deeply attracted to Indian girls but then I am *beep* scared to appraoch them. I have to blame myself for that....or is it really not a stereotype?

THIS WORLD IS A BOOK AND THOSE WHO DON'T TRAVEL READ ONLY A PAGE.

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[–] wok_wyle 15 years ago

I just wanted to say, don't judge a person by their family. Obviously in the example you gave, the girl also had certain not so great ideas ingrained in her, but generally, people can have very different ideas to their family. It's not surprising that your ex-gf was different around her family; at the end of the day that was her family, and she still had to live with them, love them, respect them etc I also can't say I blame people who internalise certain beliefs, not when they have them drilled into their brains from birth. I don't blame them, but I think it's sad.

Take my word for it, there are people out there who are not stereotypes. Chances are, you could approach a girl and find that she really is a stereotype, but then again, maybe she's not. You won't know until you try.

Here ends my sermon ;)

'Be the change you want to see in the world' - Schofield (originally Gandhi)

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[–] AlphaCarbon 15 years ago

I def see where you come from... family's are the scariest part, because there are SO many expectations and taboos. You can't help your race, can you?

Of all the Pakistani girls I know...>1/2 are dating white guys and the other 1/2 don't date at all. The ones who are dating are from more liberal families, and there are actually a lot of them! Of the ones who don't date, a good number would have no problem with marrying a non-Pakistani so long as he is Muslim.

>1/2 of the Pakistani/Bengali marriages I've been around have been Pakistani girl/ non-Pakistani guy (usually white, sometimes black or arab). It does feel awkward, because a bunch of community elders just mutter things, but it is what it is.

I agree with the other guy, don't judge a girl by her family. Her thoughts may be different but confusion keeps her from acting against it. A lot could be due to emotional blackmail and unexplainable guilt. Obey the rents and all's well, or give up everything you ever knew and detach. The leading double lives thing is very common but it can be emotionally destroying.

Hopefully she will find that courage to stand up, because we live our lives as individuals and should be entitled to think differently.

You're not at fault. You seem like a goodhearted dude, it's just the whole clash of cultures thing that can be overwhelming. At least it's not absolute...plenty of other fish in the sea. Good luck!

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[–] rainleaf 15 years ago

Great post.

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[–] 15 years ago

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[–] tracyfigueira 15 years ago

I'm a white guy and I find South Asian women very attractive. I've never dated one, though; the only South Asian girl I really got to know well was already married.

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[–] ridiculonius 15 years ago

My parents were actually the opposite - white girl + south asian guy. While a lot of people (mostly random passers-by who would stare at them when they realized they were a couple) were uncomfortable with the racial difference, the biggest barrier was actually the fact that my mum was a Christian (albiet a lapsed Christian) and my dad was an Ismaili (an Islamic branch). My grandma (on my dad's side) would be trying to set him up with "nice Ismaili girls" even when she knew he was dating my mum. They were only allowed to get married if she converted (which she did gladly). But after religion was no longer an issue it went back to the skin thing. This one woman actually told my grandma (dad's side) that she must've done something terrible in a past life to get a white, originally non-Ismaili daughter-in-law. My grandma stood up for my mum, thankfully, but it's still a blood-boiling issue.

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[–] Ithilfaen 15 years ago

Unfortunately it's really the same in every culture that's deeply rooted in their traditions. They regard mixed marriages and relationships as a dissolution of their traditional values. They ARE right in a way... a Sikh girl who marries a Catholic Irish guy... there's a good chance that they won't keep any kind of religious tradition at all... but then if tradition and religion was important to her, she'd probably not date or marry a guy from outside her religion so what's the point in opposing it?

I have a friend who was born in London and moved back to Delhi when her grandfather got sick. After her parents decided to stay on, she had no choice but to adapt but she never really felt at home... Her parents while not being 'orthodox' are attached to traditions but they wished her to go study abroad and hopefully marry a good Indian guy in the UK.
Imagine their reaction when they found out she was a lesbian and in a 6 months relationship with a Scottish girl in College?
She was ordered to come back home immediately without completing her education to be restricted to quarters under strict surveillance or they'd cut her off.
I imagine they'd pretty much have the same reaction if she was in a lesbian relationship with another Indian girl... lol. But still they told her they'd rather have her marry a muslim than be a lesbian... can you imagine what it means to them to say that?

I bet they'd probably told her they'd rather have her be a lesbian than marry a muslim if she had brought a muslim home but it's one of those damned if I do damned if I don't situation...

For every lie I unlearn I learn something new - Ani Difranco

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[–] 15 years ago

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