A Review of "Amazons and Gladiators"

“The Fight is Just Beginning.” Oh, its a fight alright. Trying to get through the entire damn movie without bashing my head into a wall was fight enough. No doubt made to ride the immense success of Gladiator with Russell Crowe, this straight-to-video car crash pile-up Amazons and Gladiators is something you would expect to find late at night on Cinemax. There actually aren’t even any sex scenes in it, but the acting and unnecessary overabundance of, uh, “flesh”, gives this already seedy movie an even cheaper production value. The storyline deals with a group of warrior women, the Amazons, and their plight in the Roman Empire in trying to cause rebellion. The battle scenes are laugh-out-loud terrible. The acting is horrendous. It is simply the worst recitation of lines and use of emotions ever captured in the history of cinema. Lines that are supposed to be robust and dramatic are limp and unimportant. The characters themselves are way too modern, especially the women, one of which gives endless speeches on how they should be treated equal to men and how one day, they will have “rights”. Not bad for someone who lived more than 2,000 years ago. I couldn’t believe that the screenwriter and director were the same person, because then when such promising lines were written, he already knew they were going to be slaughtered. Patrick Bergin, who is a very underrated actor, and who I hoped would rescue this nightmare is cringe-worthy and appalling as the evil general Crassius. As for historical accuracy, well, I don’t know where to begin. I am not an expert in women’s fashion, so I will put this out there: did bras exist in 50 BC? I’m assuming probably not. Then again, with the amount of gratuitous nudity in this film, there wasn’t even a need. After about an hour, I was expecting everyone to just rip off their clothes and finish the movie naked. Something like plastic swords, rubber spears, and blood with the consistency of Heinz Ketchup would normally make me lose my mind, but when you consider that the ancient doors on set were complete with brass doorknobs and hinges, it is quite easily forgiven. Sadly, there are probably people out there who would defend this movie by saying something like, “They did what they could with what they had”. I disagree. Given that this budget does not appear as small as you would think, they would have been better off doing nothing. Had I been involved with a project like this, I would have sued the production company to get my name removed from the credits. Watching this will make Sharknado seem worthy of an Oscar. Also starring Jennifer Rubin, Richard Norton, and Nicole Hiltz. Directed by Zachary Weintraub. Final Verdict: Burn the Tape.

Shared from: https://pictureinparagraph.wordpress.com/2015/03/09/off-topic-review-a mazons-and-gladiators-2001/