MovieChat Forums > Vampires: Los Muertos (2003) Discussion > Things I Learned from This Movie

Things I Learned from This Movie

posted 13 years ago by GreenInkBrigade
4 replies | jump to latest

1. There are very few actual Mexicans in Mexico.

2. Everyone in a crowd of bystanders in Mexico speaks English.

3. You can murder someone with a shotgun and behead the corpse in the town squares of Mexican towns and the crowd will only murmur disapprovingly.

4. AIDS clinics in Mexico City hand out experimental drugs like they're candy.

5. Vampire hunters from Memphis give their shotguns cute names like "Miss Piggy."

6. Vampire hunters from Memphis don't take any precautions against getting attacked when sleeping outdoors and invite strange women who appear mysteriously in the middle of the night to sit beside them and make out.

7. When you go vampire hunting in central Mexico, you should bring along your surfboard.

8. The Scooby Doo Mystery Machine's got nothing on the Team Bliss Bus.

9. Vampires got some serious snortin' skills.

10. A bus schedule in Mexico is more like a suggestion.

11. When being chased by a master vampire, you should just go ahead and roll yourself into any available carpet for easy carrying.

12. When using an armored school bus in a high-speed chase after your kidnapped fellow vampire hunter, you should have the guy who just singlehandedly finished a quart of tequila drive.

13. In Mexico, "I had a dream" is a valid legal defense for shooting someone with an arrow.

14. Once you've fired an arrow at a vampire, you can't fire another one. You can only stand there and let the vampire beat you nearly to death with your arrow.

15. When you pump non-infected blood into a vampire while pumping the infected blood out the other side, the two bloods won't mix. And you can get the blood from anyone ... without bothering to type and match the blood.

16. When your vampire hunting technique depends heavily on the use of a remote control winch, don't worry about testing it before the hunt. Just assume it will work when needed.

17. Remote control winches that are central to a vampire hunting plan will never work at the critical moment of need.

18. If you fire a shotgun with the muzzle next to your ear, it won't affect your hearing at all.

[–] tamra 12 years ago

Oh, come on, you forgot the most important two:

19. Vampires aren't just cold, as in they don't produce heat and take on the temperature of their surroundings like a cold-blooded reptile; vampires actually GENERATE cold (or expel heat, if you want to be scientifically correct) like a refrigerator. This is convenient, because it means they show up as ice cold spots to infrared, even when they are laying in the cold night earth.

20. Unbeknownst even to forensic scientists, human bodies similarly generate cold. This means a vampire can fool your infrared by putting a HUMAN body in a box, so be careful!

I can suspend my disbelief a great deal for a fun movie, but the above were just too jawdroppingly stupid to get past.

Oh, and what does it say when musician Jon Bon Jovi is a significantly better actor than your female lead, who acts for a living? I rarely trash actors, but wow, some bad acting in here.

(great list, btw).

[–] Dream_Demon 12 years ago

21. Apparently, a certain female master vampire in Mexico is much faster than the progenitor of all vampires and can slash the throats of everybody in a diner before a thrown ball of paper can make it to the trash can. (I hate this part. It makes Valek from the first movie look weaker than Una.)

22. Somehow, the female master vampire thought that doing the ceremony involving the Berzier's Cross when the sun is high in the sky, rather than rising and showing its first rays like in the first movie, would be a good idea of how to do the ritual. (This why she failed the first time and would've failed the second time if Rodrigo was an actual priest).

Welcome to my Nightmare- Freddy Krueger

[–] b2k_a 9 years ago

You ain't lived 'til you got head from a vampire!

[–] koalaz-628-83913 9 years ago

23. If you get a transfusion of vampire blood to lower your body temperature, so you can infiltrate the vampire ceremony without being heat-traced, don't bother disguising the rest of your body with a mask/shawl or anything.
24. Vampire hunter chick needs 2 tablets a day so she don't burn in the sun. Vampire master chick needs 30 tablets at once but the UV effect wears off in an hour.
25. Vampire hunting requires a rockin out hair style, so that not one single hair is out of place even during a frenzied vampire attack.
26. Do not throw paper into a bin in slow motion, as it gives the vampire more time to kill everyone in the cafe.
27. John Carpenter likes sticking his name in front of movies he didn't direct.
28. John Bon Jovi gives vampire huntin' a bad name.