WWED (What Would Ebert Do?)

Great post! This is how I imagine Robert Ebert's review:

He gives it one star, beginning with "some movies are a bad idea right from the very beginning". Next, he would write, "how could anyone think that a fifty year old playing a four year old is endearing, instead of repulsive?". Then, "there is a clear demarcation between whimsy and obnoxiousness, but this movie pretends there is not". I like to think he would mention the dubbing, saying something like: "thanks to the worst voice-over acting I've heard in some time, Pinocchio's voice seems ear-splitting, even when speaking softly". Then he might go on to add: "the lollipop scene, while perhaps conforming to the original book, is jarring to our post-Freudian sensibilities - parents will be uncomfortable". Finally, he might say, "did Benigni have no friends to come to his aid and beg him to stop this madness?". Lastly, "Benigni has made good films in the past, and I am confident he can again someday".