Mine is probably when he was talking about the moon landing. "I mean, you can't just step onto the moon and say 'Oh, my, it's all sticky.'"
Either that or the bit about Darth Vader's voice. "Yes, the force is quite strong in you." "How strong?" "As strong as a small pony." That one kills me.
On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.
Hmmm, the classic Cake or Death, and the giant pause when he talks about Englebert Humperdink being killed and keeps confirming and denying it, just with his facial expressions, for ages. It's brilliance, doesn't say anything but it's hilarious.
Go on, prove me wrong. Destroy the fabric of the universe. See if I care
You fu** my girl? You f*** my girl?
I am your girl
Do you have a flag?
Can't get the fu**king trees, DAMN I shall kill everyone in the world!
So my chances are "or death?" Well, I guess i'll have the chicken then.
Victor, I have done many bad things.
Well so have I.
Wow, that person has a strong personality. I would like to have sex with people who have strong personalities.
It's Vicar not Victor. Look up the Anglican church for more info.
~Me
I'm just a sweet transvestite...From Transexual, Transylvania...
[deleted]
(Thick Sean Connery accent) "Well then I will set up a new religion in this country. I will set up the psychotic bastard religion." And then an advisor said "Why not call it Church of England, Sire." "Yes, Church of England, that's much better; even though I am Scottish myself."
"Death first, you said death first, ah-ah-ah-ah" "Well I meant cake." "Oh alright. Lucky for you I'm Church of England."
"Talk will you talk!" "But it hurts" "Well loosen it up a bit"
"No, I don't think it's supposed to go aROUND like that!"
"Okay, Hans, I want you to swallow this golf ball"
"What do you want to do?" "I want to put babies on spikes" "Go then! Go! It's the American dream"
"So in Europe, we had empires. Everyone had them - France and Spain and Britain and Turkey! The Ottoman Empire, full of furniture for some reason. And the Austro-Hungarian Empire, famous for f--- all! Yes, all they did was slowly collapse like a flan in a cupboard."
"And over that, we can't deal with it, you know? Someone's killed 100,000 people. We're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning. I can't even get down the gym! Your diary must look odd: Get up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, death, death – lunch- death, death, death - afternoon tea - death, death, death - quick shower…"
"Because it's a bad idea when cousins marry"
"Ok, let's go America!" ( charge melody ) "Ah, I love the smell of Europe in the morning! So, how're you doing?", we were going, "F---ing ‘ell, where've you been?" "Ah, having breakfast. So, what's going on, hey?"
"This was before the B.C./A.D. changeover, when everyone was going, 'Is it A.D. yet?' You didn't have to wind your watch back, you had to get a new bloody watch! 'Oh, it’s A.D., is it? F---ing ‘ell!'"
We believed in the teachings of Cathol and everything he stood for.
"Now lipstick colours this season are in the frosted pink area and nail colors to match... And this reminds me rather of our Lord Jesus! Because surely, when Jesus went into Nazareth on a donkey, he must have got tarted up a bit…"
I could seriously do this all day.
You fu** my girl? You *beep* my girl?
I am your girl
It's actually "You fu** my WIFE? You Fu** my WIFE"
"I am your WIFE"
So my chances are "or death?" Well, I guess i'll have the chicken then
It's CHOICE
And Vicker not Victor.
Sorry but i can get really anal about stuff.
Then get a little more anal. it's VICAR, not VICKER.
Vicar - noun : The priest of a parish in the Church of England who receives a stipend or salary but does not receive the tithes of a parish; A cleric in charge of a chapel in the Episcopal Church of the United States; A cleric acting in the place of a rector or bishop in the Anglican Communion generally.
- Dictionary.com
My will is as strong as yours, my kingdom is as great You have no power over me
Watch Mirrormask!
i'm sure they are all incredibly grateful you pointed out there horrible mistakes
why are some people just mean?
It's not mean, and it's just a little whiney to complain about it.
"Victor, I have done many bad things" is just somebody talking to some guy named Victor, or possible to someone who has recently won something. Or with "Vicker", maybe a guy who made those WWI machine guns. (yeah, I know it's actually "Vickers")
"Vicar, I have done many bad things" is somebody beginning to confess their sins to a Church of England clergy. The joke (which would be, you know, the funny bit) is that, unlike a formal RC confession, the vicar doesn't take it as a ritual but just carries on a normal chat -- "oh, me too."
If you're just talking to some guy named Victor, there's no joke in the joke.
If I were the person who only got the joke after reading zlada's comment, I don't think I'd be "incredibly grateful" but I'd be at least a tiny bit grateful.
For me it's when he brings up Lafayette, and has to explain to the audience about the American Revolution. Just something about that always makes me chuckle.
shareI'm from Europe ... where the history comes from
... IN MY MIND
le chat est sur la chaise, la souris est sous la table, et le singe est sur .... la ... branche? ... non ... le singe monte une bicyclette? .... le singe lit un journal? ... le singe fume une pipe.
Just remembered this one too .... "You [Americans] say 'erbs', and we [british] say 'herbs', because there's a fcuking 'H' in it!"
My favourite line would have to be;
"bzzzzz.... ciao!'
Very funny. Good throw away line.
Though, I also quite enjoy the bit about risk, and Napolean and Hitler invading Russia.
Also, when he berates his audience for not knowing their history.
"They're coming to get you, Barbara." - Johnny, Night Of The Living Dead
Welshman: 200 miles in this day and age?! I don't even know where I live now!
Hitler: Can't get ze *beep* trees...DAMNIT I shall kill EVERYONE in the WORLD!
"you spell thru T-H-R-U and I'm with you on that, cuz we spell it THROUGH (pronounce: Fruff) and that's trying to cheat at Scrabble."
"I have commited an original sin.. i poked a badger with a spoon"
(german accent) "Hans, I want you to swallow this golfboll"
Favorite line is easily the whole British Death Star dialogue:
(quotes are approximation from memory - not verbatim)
"It's just the rebels, sir - they're here."
"Well, good God man - do they want tea?"
"No sir, I really rather think they're after something more - you see they've brought a flag."
"Damn! That's dash clever of them!"
"Chiropractor. Ninety-seven letters, Chiropractor."
"People are going to hang out at the library. 'Where's that book at, mate?' 'Dunno. There are a lot o' them about!'"
"What is it Sebastian? I'm arranging matches."
"It should be 'God attack the Queen, send big dogs after her, that bite her bum.'"
"Sea of Tranquility? Sea of Tranquility? There's no one around!"
"...And Spacemonkeys are attacking!"
"It's slang...He's a f*****g doughnut!"
"Did I leave the gas on?...NO! Because I'm a f*****g squirrel!"
"We didn't even find a squirrel with a flute. Monster! Very small monster! Take its flute! That's where it gets its power!"
"What is it Jeezy Creezy? Dad, don't call me Jeezy Creezy."
"What does the Holy Ghost say about all this? He's running around with a sheet on his head! Hooooly Ghooooost! Hooooly Ghoooost!"
Sorry, I could probably do this for hours!
"Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!
-Tim the Enchanter
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my favorite part is when he is talking about working out names for Englebert Humperdinck. "Englebert Slaptyback, Vinglebert Webledack, Slut Banwala, Krinlgebert Fistibuns". HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!1
"I find your lack of faith disturbing"-Darth Vader
"In France, it was called "La Vitesse!"...
...
Or at least it should've been, but in fact it was called spEEd. (in french accent).
that one owns
My favourite is when he is talking about Hitler.
"He wound up on fire in a ditch. That's fun. I mean funny, because he's a mass-murdering fu**-head.
Henry VIII who is portrayed by Sean Connery in this film, even though he is from "Scotland"
CIAO!!!!!!!!
No Flag No Country.
Do you want a cup coffee? "Splashy Splashy, which is the adolscent version of Do you want a cup of coffee?"
AND MY FAVORITE
After telling the Pope his plans to marry eight wives
"You crazy bugger! You can't do this! What are you, a Morman? You can't marry all these people! That's illegal. You can't do this. I'm head of the Church I have to keep up... (CIAO) I have to keep up standards. What have been reading the Gospel according to St. Bastard?"
You've all missed so many.
~ Oh Sue! ... I've got legs! .. Do you like.. bread? I've got a French loaf! :pow: BYE!! I LOVE YOU!!!
~ Well... your tail-light is out & uh.. you've got no uhm... knees.
~ Thank you for flying Church of England, cake or death?
~ I saw you in the :high voice:PLAYground!
~ There's not much makeup in the army is there? No... they've only got that night-time look, & that's a bit slapdash isn't it? They look a mess.
~ I've swallowed a football & I can't get it *cough* ehk *cough* up. Could somebody perform my maneuver on me please? The me maneuver?? ... Hilda, Hilda! Get me a map of everything!
~ Oh, he's dead.
~ I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels, & not fall over.
~ Right, we're all facists but, most Italians are always on scooters going "CIAO!!"
Eddie Izzard rules.
The tree that does not branch, hides rot within.
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Not my favorite line, but certainly a good one:
"A hand. A fist. Hoocha Hoocha Hoocha...Lobster."
"And I'm thinking, 'Hell, splashy back'! You know, because splashy-splashy is the aquatic equivalent of, 'Do you want a cup of coffee?'"
"Building a henge, are we? Fantastic..."
"...Buzz Aldrin in a monster outfit, 'ARRRGH!'"
"We ALL can't do big arms..."
"I told him we don't want any of his Deutsche Markies..."
Formula of my happiness: a Yes, a No, a straight line, a goal. ~ Nietzsche
"Splashy Splashy, which is the adolescent version of Do you want a cup of coffee?"
The 'aquatic' version!
Lee
Two frying pans... oh... he's dead.
shareFinally someone mentioned the "Big Arms thing!"
"I like my coffee hot and strong, like I like my women: hot...and...strong? With a spoon in them!"
"I was dead at the time!"
"I was on the moon...with Steve..."
"What is it Dr. Heimlich?"
"Why do you call me Dr. Heimlich? I'm your husband!"
"Okay. Yes, Gunther?"
"I have invented a maneuver."
"We've renovated this lobby to the way it looked over 50 years ago!"
"No no, surely not! No one was a live then!"
"No flag, no country; you can't have one."
It's been a good two years since I saw it last so I know I'm missing some classics and thrashing some lines, but you wonderful people get the idea. =)
"beccalh...the face of...evil." Sauron-The-Mighty
[/two cents]
"You're a plumber? What on Earth is that?"
“Y’ever wonder what atheists scream when they orgasm? ‘Oh, chemical chance!’?”– Bill Hicks
Finally, someone mentioned my personal favorite.
shareYour Bill Hicks tagline is *beep* brilliant arseface666. I'm an atheist and I do wonder about that myself...
share
dingybert fishtybum, slurpnburp humptyback...etc, etc.