Great Show, as we all know. But can you remember the classic Tom and Linda One liners? I'm sure there are plenty of fans out there
Linda: "Bitch, I do not look like Elizabeth the first"
Linda: "you can only judge a Sh*t hole from the turds that pass through it"
Tom: " The first sight of you jumping around in skin tight Lyrca is enough to turn any man Queer"
LOL HILARIOUS
I love it when Tom says things like "oh don't be so ridick!" (ridiculous).
shareTom: "I think blah blah blah."
Linda: "I think you should shallap."
[ The two see a cat "grooming" itself ]
Linda: "If I could do that I'd never go out."
Tom: I'm in distress
Linda: I'm in this dress
[ Message on the phone ]
( Dully )Linda: "'Ello leave a message."
Linda: "I'm a poet and I don't know............... it."
I've got loads but I can't remember 'em.
There are just so many to choose from, lets see what I can remember......
Tom, after shagging Linda's escaped convict boyfriend:
(In a Cockerney Accent)"Oi SLAAG, go in va barfroom, and draw me a barf, and if you touch your fing while Im not lookin, Ill give ya a slap. Naw get out you slag! (In his own voice) Oh Lindy Im so scared!"
Linda about her sister:
"Oh Shes like a young Nanette Newman... We washed this many dishes in ordinary liquid, (Shouting) AND THIS MANY IN FAIRY LIQUID!!!"
Linda in her dreams
To Melinda Messenger....
"Helloo Mel, See Ya Would'nt wanna be ya"
Its so funny there should be a law against it.
Tomity, Tomity tomity......
This is the ultimate one-liner from Tom:
"He's so far back in the closet he's reached *beep* Narnia!"
god there are som many! here are mine.
linda: excuse me?, do you wanna shag me??
linda: god i sniffed some glue when i was in the brownies, does that make me a drug addict? no, i wore an a line skirt in the 70's does that mean i got no taste now no. i sleep with one woman and all of a sudden i'm branded a tennis player!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
linda: (reaching up her skirt) oh i got sometihng in me eye.
tom: (in disgust)... sometimes you make me physically sick do you know that.
linda: well most blokes say on me head beckham, not give me head beckham
linda: i ain't phobic homos i just can't stand the sight of them
"Linda about her sister:
"Oh Shes like a young Nanette Newman... We washed this many dishes in ordinary liquid, (Shouting) AND THIS MANY IN FAIRY LIQUID!!!" "
Who is/was Nanette Newman? I think its a hilarious line the way its delivered, but i never know who Nanette Newman is.
One of My faves is when Tom comes back from the supermarket dressed as sushi and says
"Oh, great big dangly scrotum sacks!"
Nanette Newman is an actress who was in the original version of "The Stepford Wives" in the 1970s and she was the wholesome mother figure in the Fairy Liquid Ads in the 1980s. She's actually on IMDb if you wanna look her up!!
share[deleted]
There are so many!.....
These are just a few off the top of my head
-Tom- 'he's so far back in the closet, he's in *beep* narnia'
-Linda- 'y'alright ya puff?'
-Tom- 'this is just so riddick!'
-Linda- 'on ya byke, I'm not a dyke'
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I love that bit I was laughing for ages when I heard and it was on only a number of minutes ago on uktv Gold+1.
I love it.
Linda about her sister:
"Oh Shes like a young Nanette Newman... We washed this many dishes in ordinary liquid, (Shouting) AND THIS MANY IN FAIRY LIQUID!!!"
I love the Nanette Newman line, but because people have mentioned that, i'll leave it.
There are 2 that stick with me:
When they find the coffin in their living room
Suze: (about breaking into Beryl's apartment) "I can't do that, I'm far too middleclass, Linda, you do it."
And when Tom's parents come to visit and his mum refers to Linda as 'a social reprebate'
Brilliant!
"god show me the way, 'cos the devil's trying to break me down"
Also, when Suze refers to Tom as 'Tomasexual' is pretty funny!
"god show me the way, 'cos the devil's trying to break me down"
Wow what a sucessful thread !! Didn't realise the show was so popular !! :)
I also like these lines:
Linda - Mr Adam's, what you got on? hahaha Mr Adams, I think im gonna be sick..."
Tom - "Just spit it out bitch !!"
Linda - "Well its latin for Oh dusky madien and oh dusky madiens homosexual flatmate"
Tom - "Now i know your making that up, and that is SO rasict"
Linda - What?? With the amount of ethnics I've slept with?? Do me a favor !!
Jez: I always say that the size of my bouquet reflects the size of my love for Suze.
(Linda hands Suze a bunch of stems rather than flowers.)
Linda: Oh well, as long as it don't reflect the size of ya nob.
ROTFL!!!!!
My favourites are:
Linda: There's no such thing as gay, it's just laziness!
Tom: Oh big fat hairy bollocks.
Beryl: Is he a ventriloquist?
Linda: I wouldn't mind if he put his hand up my skirt and made my lips move
Shirley (the suicidal male home help Tom got when he broke his leg, has now turned Christian): God made it very clear what he thinks of bottom explorers.
Shirley: Linda, Joe would like you to be his girlfriend, it doesn't matter how ugly you are.
I also love the argument that Tom and Linda have when Tom tells Linda he's marying Gloria, a lesbian...here's only parts of it...
Tom: Gloria is American
Linda: So's Charles Manson, mate, it don't mean he's perfect.
Linda: Are you or are you not a big fat 'omosexual?
Tom: Well it wouldn't put it quite like that, but yes.
Linda: So why ya marrying a woman then, ya wanker?
Linda: Some story, it's more confusing than Hansel and Gretel!
Tom: HANSELL AND GRETELS NOT CONFUSING!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Linda: When did you last live in a 'ouse you could eat??? IT TWISTS CHILDRENS MINDS, THAT DOES!!!
Linda: I might've had more pricks than Kerplunk, but I won't join no happy clappy cult for no one!
Gloria: Von golay, von golay, fish I eat, meat I don't.
Linda: We heard.
I cant bleve not one has mentioned...
Suze: Who ate all the pies
Who ate all the pies
You fat *******
You fat *******
You ate all the pies
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I thought she was doing Nigella Lawson....
Tom: Lindy what was like when you turned 30?
Linda : I'm 28
Tom: Stone.
Not to mention
Linda: Oooh mummy's dutch cap, uncle peter used to make me wear this for my special treat. later revealled to be a dutch milkmaid's cap, stinothing like a dubious incestuous paedo gag.
LINDA (struggling to read): I'm dyslexic.
TOM: You're too working class to be dyslexic!
Linda: A lady should always look her best, Thomas. Mummy used to wear so
much mascara, she had to throw her head back to get her eyes open.
Has anyone else noticed how many aunts and uncles Linda seems to have? Everytime she tells a story, she mentions a different one!
Suze has just given birth and yawns loudly as Tom's relating a story...
TOM: Aww - are you tired?
SUZE: No, you're boring me.
Linda's long lost son she had adopted out came to meet her and he asked what she had named him as a baby. She said she named him after a character in a book(no one would believe that she actually read a book), so she said it was actually a character from a TV show. He asked her the name and she said "Zippy".
shareTom: One needs peace, calm, serendipity. Not a rolly polly red haired racoon racing round in a ra ra skirt!
Linda: WASH YOUR MOUTH OUT THIS IS A MINI!
Linda (to Tom): The slightest hint of a cockney accent don't mean to say I go around coshing old ladies, you condesending runt! LOL
Linda (on the phone): Hello fast track can I help you? Do you have an extension number for her please? Well no then I can't.
Linda: Do you remember them photos uncle Ernie took of me in my nappy? Clicking away for hours he was.. I was late for work.
Linda: And how's my potential new boyfriend?
Tom: Oh you sad slapper. LOL love the way he sais that!
Destiny is what we make it.
Best one-
Linda has met her son Zippy, and he calls her weird, to which she shouts, 'yeah, well at least I aint adopted!'
and the classic.
(Tom is reading a book)
Linda: I read a book once. They all went to the shops. It was great. Do they go to the shops in that?
Tom: (sarcastically looking thru book) I don't know, I'll check shall I? Do they go the shops in 'A Tale of Two Cities'!!!???!!!
Tom: No you stupid yak!
Tom: And all I've ever wanted was a big purple chopper to get my hands on.
Linda: Your filthy! Isn't he filthy Vern?!
Tom: No a chopper bike you prepostrious bitch!
(Tom and Linda are trying to remember what they did last night)
Tom: Don't you remember anything?
Linda: I remember one christmas daddy laughed 'cause all I got was a pencil sharpner!
Tom: No! About last night you prattling pig.
"They don't know that we know they know we know" - Phoebe
when linda goes to open the door when its knocked,
suze " i cant get it im pregnant "
tome " i cant get im homosexual "
linda " well i get it since im the oly 1 whos normal "
linda " ive done a 70 minus 1 in it, see the bloke thought he was turnin me on when infact he was strngleing me ..... bless him "
"Sofa Man" where Lina and Ron are on the potato-squirting production line and they are talking. He says "Tongues can be vicious things Linda..". She gives him a seductive look an goes "Ooh I know".
"Lollipop Man" where she says "Oh, if you smell anything untoward don't worry its just my vanilla surprise. Only it tends to drip when hot". (She's reffering to her tub of ice-cream).
"Decoy" where she is in the back of the taxi disguised as Fatwa an she says to the driver "Stop lookin' at my tits you rotten bugger!". I loved Fatwa, the yashmak, the way they did her really heavy eye make up and her cod-arab accent "Uggg friggin bunions guy"...."ohhwa jeiz...whatta nisa bigga aindashaika you aiv" etc.
And what everyone else posted.
"Stop lookin' at my tits you rotten bugger!"
She actually says that twice. In the first series she also says it to India when shes a bridesmaide at the wedding when they are getting out of the taxi. "Will you stop lookin at my tits India" LOL soooo funny
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Ride to ruin...and the worlds ending !!!
There are so many good ones but the one I loved the best...
Linda- I may have had more pricks than Ker-Plunk.
Classic
Linda - 'im tighter than a condom on a beachball!'
Linda - 'get off me lesbo slag!'
Linda - 'i feel like that *beep* tranny from coronation street!'
Tom - 'big fat hairy bollocks!'
Tom - 'socks! see socks? mens socks!'
Tom - 'are you s*****g anything that moves? oooh your so like me!'
LOL
I love when linda says "well F uck a duck" and lindas Hansel and Gretal story
"when was the last time you stayed in a house you could eat?"
one of my fave's is
Linda-" Hello, i'm the custard lady, does anyone want some custard? Ye i want some custard , splash it over my tart!"
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i love that line too. i also love linda's fairy liquid speach
"We washed this many dishes in ordinary liquid, AND THIS MANY I FAIRY LIQUID"
linda has the best lines!!!
My personal favorites are,
Tom: Wincy willis, wincy willis who the bloody hell is wincy willis?
Linda: (Screams at maddy) Hurry up i wanna go back to bed!!!!
Tom: (Mimics toyah) Its a mystery
Tom; Oh look its zoe ball lovely lovely lovely zoe ball, mirror mirror on the wall the fairest tv kids presenter of them all has to be miss zoe ball.
Linda: Shut up!!
Tom: this would make a fantastic scene for the film of my life,
Linda: Wod play you?
Tom: possibly ross kemp
Linda:i wonder whod play me?
Beryl: (To linda) Who as mama cass?
Jez: a close friend revealed tom lives with his mother linda
Linda: get out there and tell em its a pack of lies
Tom: oh linda please your bringing on one of my heads
Linda: ohhhhh
* Linda when she's informed that due to Brenda's death, she & Tom are homeless *
Linda: The selfish old c*w!
* Kicks coffin for added effect *
Hella funny stuff
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I like the one where Linda is babysitting Jez and suze's doll and she's telling the doll fairy tales
Linda: There once was a filty bitch called Snow White who was shagging these seven dwarves
I like the ones from the 3rd series best:
(The Lollipop Man) Linda: I'm stuck, I'm stuck! My arse it too big for the hole! I'm stuck, I'm stuck! My legs are wrapped right round this pole... I think I like it, I think I like it...
(That one with Linda's son) Linda: He's named after someone in a book, literature...
Tom: Oh let me guess, I'm very good at guessing games... Er... Heathcliffe! No, Darcy!
Linda: Actually, it's more of a television programme, really. It's a very good television programme, I watched it quite a lot when I was preggers...
Tom: Oh, well... What's your name?
Linda's Son: Zippy
(Trauma) Linda: I fell off a bus conductor
(The final one thingy) Tom (pointing at phone): What's this?
Linda: It's a telephoooone
(Final one, again) Tom: Linda, I've just got a part on on of Britain's top rated soaps...
Linda: No Tom, it's Crossroads!
(Final one, again...) Tom: You can always come and visit me you know...
Linda: No, I get lost on trains unless I got a label!
But there's one I like from one of the earlier series'...
(Beryl's twin's death) Suz: (I don't know the exact phrase here, but...) You can't use the coffin as a table!
Tom: It's an occasional table, occasionally it's a table and occasionally it's a coffin!
The one I remember the most is from the wedding episode at the end of Series 1 with Gloria and Tom getting married so her girlfriend can stay in the country:
Gloria: Fish I eat, meat I don't
Linda: We heard
Millennium Episode:
Mel: Hi, Linda. God I wish I could look as good as you in that frock
Linda: Well wish on babe. See ya wouldnt wanna be ya
Probably the best:
Linda: Here they're homosexuals. You dont mind do you?
Taxi Driver Maddie: No
Linda: They're harmless. Ooh look she collects pictures. Do you collect pictures?
Maddie: No they're me twins. Pearl and Dean
(Neville starts singing the theme tune)
Linda (pointing at Neville): who's that?
Tom: I don't know, I don't know. I'm not listening
Linda: Oi trade! Keep it shut!
RE: Episode where Beryl has suddenly died (I know, I know - but I'm trying to avoid spoilers!) - the part that had me roaring with laughter was the background music when they're setting up the coffin & such - they were playing Roll Out the Barrel <Beryl> which I thought was just the greatest play on words I'd heard in a long, long time...
sharewhen beryls in a coffin and jez and suze go on coz there useing her coffin as a table
tom "its an ocasional table, ocasionally its a table, ocasionally its a coffin"
When Linda is telling fairy tales to a doll
one upon a time there was this fulthy bitch called snow white, and she was shagging these 7 dwarfs. I know innit rotten
when tom runs right up to the camera screaming "is this the camera, is this the camera"
genius
one funny 1 was when beryl is on about ventrilaquism (cnt spel) and linda says " Well he can put his hand up my skirt and make me lips move" haha
share(Linda) No mate im larry flint, skint
(Tom) Funny, I had you down as a bit of a Helen Hunt.
(linda) Whats it like having a N*B...Its quite nice having a patty though
I love the whole Terry Clinger Scene aswell theres too many good lines to put down
I Liked the way Linda had to have her nipple pink sarie.
Dream Dream Dream
When Tom claims he was in Silence of the Lambs, Linda says he wasn't. Tom then
syas he was in the Musical version called Silence, he then kneels down, joins
his Hands and sings the line he had. I think its hilarious.
Tom Singing:
"Help me I'm down a hole
so far away from Home
at the end of the Tunnel I see some LIGHT
I'M SOMEONE'S DINNER TONIGHT"