Their marriage made me cringe. Harriet was horrible. She treated her husband who obviously adored her like crap and he never called her out on it. He just took it and fretted a bit. She was so mean to him and cheated on him while he seemed like a fairly decent man -
Here's a primer in Victorian marriage:
Girls were married off at age 18 or so, with no experience of the world and largely isolated from others -- for example, girls of that class were typically educated at home, by a governess or tutor. They didn't have boyfriends such that they could become familiar with different types of men, and what little courtship they had was conducted under the watchful eye of a chaperone. Add to that family pressure to marry for position or wealth or both, AND add the expectation that the woman is supposed to be entirely submissive to her husband (remember how much the American wife had to urge her husband to get a nursemaid so old-nanny wouldn't drop the baby?????), and you have a recipe for dire unhappiness.
Men, by contrast, typically married after age 25, plus they weren't sheltered as were women, so they had significant experience of the world, which to some degree helped them make a more informed choice of wife. In addition, single men of that class typically engaged in intense flirtations or outright affairs with married women (and sometimes courtesans), so they had experience of both sex and romance. And, men had agency in the world -- if they were unhappy at home, they could spend time at the club and/or take a mistress.
You also need to remember the screwed-up and severely constricting notions of ideal womanhood -- gentle, self-sacrificing, a madonna. Women's sexuality was frighening and aberrant, and we know that Victoria is capable of -- and wants -- passion, so that almost certainly was something that dismayed her husband and created distance between them. And when he speaks of the ingenue (she'll soon be married, her father left his entire fortune to her!), Victoria replies that not everyone shares his interest in money; then he compliments her ("duties of the hostess -- well done") and of course there's the earlier comment (thank heaven the children didn't disgrace us). He's all about appearances -- he wants a rich pretty ornament and a home that others will envy; she wants to be truly known and loved passionately. Their mismatch is sad, and sadder still it was very common.
Yes, Victoria wasn't particularly nice to him. But clearly her husband, tho pleasant on the surface, didn't fulfill her needs. Being a good spouse requires far more than a superficially pleasant demeanor. The idea that a woman should be entirely fulfilled by being a wife to someone who is largely a stranger ... it's horrifying. Fortunately, parts of the world have moved forward.
Finally, please remember that Victoria was in a lot of pain -- she lost her mother in childhood (there, too, because of wretched Victorian restrictions on women -- gd forbid that a woman should be able to leave an unhappy marriage AND still be able to see her children), and V's sister, hardened against the pain, wouldn't discuss their mother with her. Victoria's surface unpleasantness conceals a debilitating amount of pain (as is the case with virtually all unpleasant people ...).
"All you need to start an asylum is an empty room and the right kind of people."
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