The REAL reason Tom Cruise remade this *spoilers*

Ok, you're Tom Cruise watching Open Your Eyes for the first time. Already, you're curious, one question simmering on your mind, inviting itself back again and again: 'who is that chick on the poster?'

The film opens. Lead character, check. Buddy, check. They seem friendly. Lovely. What happens next? Oh, what's that? A party?? Lovely. That should provide a few giggles. And maybe progress the story even.

Lead is escaping psycho girl, ha. Great. That's funny. Buddy enters with **spit drink all over room, hitting all four walls at once** PENELOPE CRUZ LITERALLY STEAMING FROM HOTNESS.

Oh my god. Someone hose me down. Oh my god. Am I dreaming this film? I'm about to faint. That woman is the goddamn sexist female I have ever seen.

Plot turn: Tom Cruise wants to have sex with the woman on the screen.

Ok, 20 minutes have passed. The image of gorgeous Penelope Cruz's face, body, smile and spanish accent is only just fading from your vision. You realise the film is still running and stuff has happened. A quick wiki plot summary catches you up to speed. No wonder the lead is so devastated. He almost had sex with Penelope Cruz.

Plot turn 2: Tom Cruise wonders whether sex with Penelope Cruz will happen at all in this film. He starts to feel the crushing blow of disappointment that it may not happen.

Disfigured face, check. Wake up from pavement, check. Ah ha!!! Face back to normal, check! And .... yes!! Lead and Penelope Cruz are getting it on in bed and .... OH MY GOD. PENELOPE CRUZ'S BOOBS. EARTH TO EYES! EARTH TO EYES! LOOK AT PENELOPE CRUZ'S BOOBS.

Plot turn 3: Tom Cruise's mind has immediately and greedily (perhaps with a chomping, guzzling sound) formulated a plan to finance a remake and cast himself as lead touching the recasted Penelope Cruz. It's not sex, but it's the closest I can get without getting busted. No-one will suspect a thing. There's one question remaining - will this film's ending flop and cost me lots of ma financing monies?

Back to film. Shock reality. Cryogenic freezing blah blah blah. Final stakes, he needs to kill himself to wake up. A risk but it seems believeable yada yada. Oh *beep* there's Penelope Cruz again on the rooftop. What ... oh yes, another snog. That's another snog I can get with her. Oh man. Lead jumps off rooft, credits roll. IT'S NOT A BAD ENDING, REPEAT, IT'S NOT A BAD ENDING. SIMULATED SEX WITH PENELOPE CRUZ IS A POSSIBILITY.NOW QUICK, NO TIME TO LOSE! CALL AND SEAL THE DEAL BEFORE SOME ELSE BEATS ME TO IT. ....Ok, done. Oh, and before the credits even finished. Nice. *pats self on back*

I don't know if this story is true, my sources (my imagination) tell me they are. Personally, I though Open Your Eyes was really good, but it seems Tom Cruise was too busy thinking about having simulated sex with Penelope Cruz to appreciate it properly.