Script
Anyone have it so I can read it?
shareWell... Just for fun, I'll start saying a few lines from the movie. This is from memory:
Narrator: In 1804, President Thomas Jefferson commissioned Meriwether Lewis and William Clark to explore the vast, uncharted territories of the Northwest. What many people don't know, is that there was a second expediton, led by two other men, with neither the courage, vision, and intelligence as Lewis and Clark, but men nonetheless. Our story, such it is, begins in Arlington, Virginia.
[Hunt is escorted out of a building by two soldiers, and squints at the sun. A lady comes up to him and spits on him]
Lady: I hope Satan hisself rips the flesh from your miserable bones!
Hunt: Good God, lady.
[Edwards is riding a horse drawn carraige, driven by his servant, Jonah]
Edwards: Faster man, faster! As much haste as possible while maintaining a tolerable level of comfort. A man's life is at stake. [Jonah shakes the reins] Bup-bup-bup!
[Back at the fort]
Soldier: On March 25, 1804, Bartholemew Hunt, a tracker employed by the United States Army, was found guilty of drunken and misorderly conduct in the presence of an officer. He then forced that officer to waltz with him through a crowded mess hall.
Lady in crowd: [gasp]
Soldier: Do you have anything to say?
Hunt: Yes...I do. For when I've gone and have passed from this life...I want you to lower me from these gallows, and...KISS MY HAIRY BUTTOCKS!
Lady in crowd: Hang him! Hang him!
Priest: May God have mercy on this man.
[Edwards arrives at the fort. A soldier kicks away the stool that Hunt was standing on. Edwards calmly makes his way through the crowd]
Edwards: I have a stay of execution signed by President Jefferson himself! See? "Thomas...Jefferson"!
[Edwards tries to hold up Hunt]
Hunt: [hoarsly] Thank you...
That's it for now..
"They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God." -Elwood Blues
Sorry, I can't seem to find it on the web.
Proud Rumrunner!
I'm too indecisive to decide on a signature.
Dude, that is awesome. If you transcribed the whole thing that would be even better. Heh. Thanks.
shareWhoa, I can't believe it's been a month already! Anyways- no problem! I'll continue with the next scene.
[Now, Edwards and Hunt are both in a horse drawn carriage. Which is driven by Jonah, of course.]
Edwards: Mr. Hunt, I plan on being the first man to map a route to the Pacific. But I require an expert guide.
Hunt: If you wanted a tracker, why did you choose me? Why didn't you get William Clark?
Edwards: Don't you think I tried? Meriwether Lewis beat me to him. I'm sick to death of those two! Lewis and Clark, this! Lewis and Clark, that! Now we'll see who talks about them after we beat them to the Pacific. THEN we'll be invited to the finest parties. We'll see who's able to parlay their accomplishments into a political career. [stands up, acting dramatic] When the history books are written, Lewis and Clark will be but a footnote to a footnote. And, I sir, will be the... note! [loses his balance and falls back, off the wagon.]
Someone else can continue if they'd like...
"They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God." -Elwood Blues
[A party is taking place in (Aaron?)Burr's mansion]
Edwards: My hands my grow rough, my teeth may yellow, and I might even experience a general soreness in the joints. Yes, this mission will be a treacherous one, make no mistake. We will face danger from savages AND from bears. These bears are wild, mind you. Not trained carnival bears with... little hats.
Burr: Sounds exhilarating, sir. Few men would have the courage for such an endeavor.
Edwards: I'm not afraid, Mr. Burr. My mind will protect me. I'm a man of science, a man of learning, a man who knows how to buy the finest books. Fear will be our breakfast, and stark-raving terror our daily luncheon. Eh, Mr. Hunt?
[Hunt looks up at Edwards with a piece of meat dangling from his mouth]
Edwards: Mr. HUNT?
Hunt: [speaking while his mouth is full] I'd be more worried about the Indians than the bears. Tis common knowledge that when the savages capture a white man, they will split open his head, pick out his brains, and eat them with a crudely fashioned... fork, so...
Edwards: Have you witnessed such atrocities, Mr. Hunt?
Hunt: I've uh... seen the forks...
[A little later in the party, Burr walks over to Hunt with a bottle of whiskey]
Burr: You look like a man who appreciates good whiskey.
Hunt: Uh, thank you, sir. But I fear inebriation may cause me to forget my manners in such fine company.
Burr: Good god, man. I'm not talking about getting blind drunk. I just meant for you to have a taste.
Hunt: Oh, well then, a taste IT SHALL BE. Heh heh.
[Hunt takes the glass of whiskey out of Burr's hand and drinks it all. He looks at Burr in approval of the whiskey. He then takes the bottle.]
Hunt: How 'bout you get your own bottle?
[Hunt drinks the whole bottle of whiskey without stopping, spewing some from his mouth.]
Hunt: AHWHOOAAH! WHOOOAH-puh!
"They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God." -Elwood Blues
[Hunt wakes up in a barn with a big hangover.]
Edwards: Good morning... I had Jonah put you in here last night. It seemed the barn was the only suitable place for a man in your condition...
Hunt: I think there was something wrong with that whiskey. My head is splitting open.
Edwards: I'm surprised you're hungover at all, considering the amount you regurgitated into the harpsichord.
Hunt: Look. Sorry about that. I'd better go now.
Edwards: Mr. Hunt, I cannot go on this journey without you. I'm offering you a full partnership. What do you think of that?
Hunt: I think it ain't worth the spit you wasted saying it.
Edwards: I'm also willing to pay you one hundred dollars.
Hunt: Two hundred.
Edwards: One twenty five.
Hunt: ONE fifty.
Edwards: Deal! Ah ha ha ha! Great things are in store for us. Soon, our names will be on the lips of uh... Well, on a great many influential lips. [Hunt is watching pigs mate] Are you listening, Mr. Hunt? Mr. Hunt? [looks at the pigs] Ah... Uh, I believe these pigs would prefer their privacy...
Hunt: Hell, I paid good money to see this on stage in Louisville. Of course, there the pigs were dressed like the King and Queen of France.
Edwards: Ah, costumes! Legitimate theater.
"They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God." -Elwood Blues
[In St. Louis, the crew are getting ready to leave]
Jackson: I'm looking for Leslie Edwards.
Edwards: I am Leslie Edwards.
Jackson: My name's Jackson. It's been my lifelong dream to see the Pacific Ocean before I die. Please take me with you.
Hunt: An old bag of bones like you would'nt make it a hundred YARDS upriver.
Jackson: On my worst day, I could still beat the stuffing out of you, you puffed-up crow's cock!
Hunt: No, you couldn't.
Jackson: I know... Please take me with you. I must see the Pacific. Can you deny an old man his dream?
Edwards: I cannot, and I will not. Jackson, you may accompany us.
Hunt: HORSE'S ASS!
Jackson: Turd.
Edwards: Help us load the boats.
Jackson: Sorry, can't do. I'm an old man.
Hunt: [with a Frenchman by his side] Edwards, this man says you hired him as an interpreter.
Edwards: Ah, you must be Guy Fontenot.
Fontenot: I am.
Edwards: It is my understanding that you have mastered the languages of all the indigenous populations from here to the Pacific.
Fontenot: Who told you this?
Edwards: Why, you did. In your letter.
Fontenot: My letter? Ah, de letter. Yes, then it is de truth.
Edwards: Wonderful.
Fontenot: Which boat will we be in?
Edwards: "We"?
Hunt: Fontenot wants to bring his wife. I told him he can't
Fontenot: She not my wife. Not my wife. I buy her. She belong to me as a propertee.
Edwards: Ah, well, the distinction has been noted. Unfortunately, as you can see, the boats have been fully loaded, and we haven't even taken on my hats and tea service.
Fontenot: [To an attractive Indian woman in the distance] They say you can't come.
[Edwards and Hunt notice her]
Edwards: Wait a minute. You didn't let me finish. Certainly we can make room. I mean, who needs tea?
Fontenot: Let it be known... that if I catch any man LOOKING at her, I will gut him like a pig.
Edwards: Yes, I'll see if I can work that into my speech. [He and Hunt tries to get a glimpse of the woman]
Fontenot: Uh! Uh-Uh!
"They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God." -Elwood Blues
[Everyone is ready to go]
Priest: Father... dear Lord in Heaven, bless us as we leave this Christian world, and give us courage to bring your gospel of love and tolerance to the ignorant, gutless savages who await us. Amen.
All: Amen.
Hunt: ALL RIGHT, LETS GO!
Edwards: Hold on, Mr. Hunt! Hold on, everyone! I prepared a short address to commemorate our embarkation.
Hunt: [sarcastically, to himself] Here we go...
Edwards: Men, we are about to embark on an unprecedented adventure to the GREAT NORTH-WEST. Unfortunately, Lewis and Clark have a two-week head start, so time is of the essense. We will be... PUSHING UP the Missouri.
Higgins: What? Against the current?
Bidwell: Might'nt it be easier to go down the Mississippi instead of up the Missouri?
Edwards: Yes, it most certainly would be.
Higgins: We could go to New Orleans instead!
Fontenot: Ooh!
Edwards: Gentlemen, we have already BEEN to New Orleans.
Bidwell: Sir! I've been to New Orleans, and it's wonderful!
Higgins: Oh, I've been there as well! The food ALONE is worth the trip!
Bidwell: The food! Sir...
All: New Orleans! New Orleans! New Orleans! New Orleans! New Orleans! New Orleans!
Edwards: All right, fine! Any man who is too cowardly to share the greatest adventure in our new country's history, and would rather experience the decadence of New Orleans, well... then go right ahead.
[The men cheer as many of them get in the boats and leave. Some stay.]
Edwards: Mr. Hunt, do something.
Hunt: [calmly fires his gun in the air] The next man who leaves for New Orleans... WILL DO SO... WITH A LEAD BALL IN HIS BACK!
Edwards: May I remind you that you all have signed contracts?
Higgins: [refers to the men that are leaving] But what about them?
Edwards: Well, THEY will be dealt with.
Higgins: By who?
Edwards: All right, they escaped!
Hunt: NOW GET IN THE BOAT! Everyone!
"They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God." -Elwood Blues
Edwards: [Narrating] And so, our journey begins. I believe the men and I share a tremendous sense of excitement and anticipation for what lies ahead.
[As they are sailing up the river, Higgins is playing his bagpipe]
Edwards: Thank you, Higgins. Your music will be a welcome companion on our long journey. Men, we'll be following the map of trapper Pierre LeBlanc, who explored the Missouri in 1792. Mr. Hunt, you've traversed most of these territories. Tell the men what they might expect to encounter.
Hunt: Ok, well... What I remembered the most were the animals...
Edwards: [smiles] Ah, the animals...
Hunt: Fearsome beasts of the mountains and plains. I've seen a bear so powerful... that it SNAPPED a man's body in half with his huge jaws. GAARRGGHH! GAARRRGGHH! I've seen a badger with paws as big as frying pans. And that'd rip your face right off! RIGHT OFF! Nothing you can do with that! Just rip it off! Once there was a hawk that swooped down from the sky... AGGGHHH! AGGGHHH! AGGGHHH! And PLUCKED a man's eyeballs out of his sockets. AUUUGGGHHH! AUUUGGGHHH! The fella was screaming, "I'M BLIND! I CAN'T SEE!" TWICE when I was fishing...
Edwards: Hunt, Hunt! HUNT! I think you're scaring the men...
Hunt: I think it's best they know. Gives a man courage to know what he's up against.
Higgins: THERE'S AN ANIMAL NOW!
[everyone except Edwards and Hunt starts firing at the animal]
Higgins: We can't kill it! We're all dead! GOD SAVE US!
Hunt: HOLD YOUR FIRE! HOLD YOUR FIRE!
[everyone stops firing. Hunt looks closely and sees that the animal is just a squirrel nibbling on an acorn]
Hunt: It's only a squirrel.
Pratt: HE'S GOT SOMETHING IN HIS HAND!
Fontenot: Something in his hand!
[they continue firing at the squirrel]
"They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God." -Elwood Blues
That is great, you're almost done... thanks. Can't wait for the rest.
shareHahaha! I've only gotten 1/4 of the movie done already!
Edwards: [narrating] 31 May, 1804. We are now spending our first night in the wilds. From this point on, hardship and deprivation will be our constant companions.
Edwards: Jonah, it is absolutely brutal out there! The water's nowhere near as hot as it was in Virginia.
[A wide shot reveals that Edwards is taking a bath in his well-furnished tent.]
Jonah: I wouldn't know, sir. Personally, I just finished washing my privates in the ice cold river.
Edwards: I think I'll... Yes, I think I'll wear my paisley robe this evening.
Jonah: It's your prerogative, sir.
Edwards: Yes, it is.
[Hunt enters the tent]
Jonah: Mr. Hunt here to see you, sir.
Hunt: I just thought I'd tell you there's already a problem with the men's morale.
Edwards: It's our first night out. How can there already be a problem?
Hunt: One faction feels that you're distant, you don't care about them. Another group feels that the original high-minded goals of the expedition have been abandoned for quick profits. You uh... have to keep on top of these things...
[outside, Edwards is lecturing the men at the campfire]
Edwards: ...and we're all in this together. We are no different from one another. Except, of course, for our rank in society and in this company. Let us get better acquainted. [sits down] What do you do with your leisure time? [no reply] Leisure time. You know, time for yourself where you don't have to work. [the men look confused] Leisure... Never mind. [to Bidwell] You, there! Fingering that stomach wound. Stand up and tell us a little about yourself.
Bidwell: M-Me sir?
Edwards: Yes, you. Bidwell, isn't it?
Bidwell: [stands up, very nervous] Y-yes, sir. Wh-what did you want to know?
Edwards: Well anything. Where are you from? What's your family like?
Bidwell: The name's Bidwell, sir. [sits down]
Edwards: Yes, I know that... All right. Well. Anyone else?
Jackson: Sir, Higgins has a story.
Hunt: [laughs] Oh, yes! You're gonna love this one!
Edwards: Well, all right then, Higgins. The floor is yours.
Higgins: [stands up] This particular event happened last summer on my uncle's farm in Virginia. My brother and I had just finished cutting a field of hay and were enjoying the evening meal under the shade of an elm tree. He went down for water by the creek, and while he was gone, I took a bowl that was filled with this DELICIOUS plum pudding, and placed into it, NOT ONE, but two LARGE pieces of sheep sh!t!
Hunt: HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Higgins: When he returned, I encouraged him to taste the plum pudding. And as sure as I'm standing before you all today, he did! He ate it all! SH!T PUDDING! He ate sh!t pudding!
[everyone except Shaquinna, the priest, and Edwards are laughing hysterically]
Edwards: Y-you got your brother to eat sheep dung.
Higgins: [laughing] Y-yes...
Edwards: Yes, that's a very amusing story...
Hunt: [laughs so hard, that he has difficulty speaking] Te-Tell him the ending! That's the best part!
Higgins: Oh! And to be completely honest, sir, I have no brother! It was ME! I ate sheep sh!t! I swear, I did!
[they laugh even harder]
Edwards: Yes, yes... Clever twist on the end, there. I think we've become well acquainted for one evening. Fun, fun... [leaves]
Hunt: He hasn't got a brother! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
"They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God." -Elwood Blues
[As they are moving down the river, Higgins is playing his bagpipes.]
Edwards: Higgins, when I said your music would be a welcome companion, I didn't mean-
Hunt: DON'T YOU KNOW ANY OTHER GODDAMN TUNE?! HUH?!
Higgins: [smiles] No, sir!
Pratt: Of course you do, Lad. Play them that haunting air you played me this morning...
Higgins: [mouths "Oh!", and starts playing the same tune]
[Edwards and Hunt are frustrated, but say nothing. Pratt is enjoying it.]
Hunt: [Hears drumbeats in the distance.] Quiet.
[Higgins stops playing.]
Edwards: What is it?
Hunt: Indians...
[They stop pull up to the side of the river and get off.]
Hunt: These are the Iowas.
Edwards: Fontenot, please greet this man in his native tongue.
Fontenot: Ha ha ha! Ho ho ho! Why do I laugh? You see, out of the hundreds of languages that I speak fluent... this is uh... not one of them...
Edwards: Bad luck.
Hunt: They do trade with whites. They probably speak english.
[A big man with a big feathered headdress walks over to them.]
Edwards: Good day! I bring you wishes for peace from Thomas Jefferson, the Great Chief of the Whites!
Bent Twig: [slaps Edwards]
Hunt: [to Edwards] You've insulted him. You forgot to introduce yourself. [to Bent Twig] I am Bartholemew Hunt, and this here is Leslie Edwards.
Bent Twig: [slaps Hunt, which causes his hat to fall off.]
Hunt: [to Edwards] Your turn...
Edwards: I am told you speak English. IS THIS SO?
Bent Twig: [slaps Hunt]
Edwards: Well, we seem to be making some progress...
Hunt: [to Edwards] Let me try something. [to Bent Twig] WE WISH... TO TRY... Oh, forget this. [A slap fight occurs between the three of them. Hunt grabs Bent Twig's shoulders and starts shaking him] WE COME IN PEACE... ON BEHALF OF PRESIDENT JEFFERSON, YOUUUU-
Edwards: [sees a man coming over] Hunt. Hunt! HUNT!
Chief Two Roads: I am Chief Two Roads.
Edwards: If you're the Chief, then who is that?
Chief Two Roads: His name is Bent Twig. He's not right in the head...
[Bent Twig starts trilling and flaps his arms like a chicken.]
"They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God." -Elwood Blues
Sweet.
shareWow, that was...wow.
I don't regret this, but I both rue and lament it.
LOL I'm just having fun here!
[A ceremony is taking place. The tribesmen pass around a buffalo head. It ends up in Higgins' hands.]
Higgins: I've got it. Now what do I do with it?
Tribesman: Put it on.
Higgins: All right. [puts on buffalo head]
[All the men wrestle Higgins to the ground]
[The crew are about to leave. Hunt can be seen having a conversation with the chief. He then walks over to Edwards.]
Hunt: Good news. Looks like they're gonna let us live.
Edwards: Let us live?
Hunt: I had to give them some of your finer things, of course, so they wouldn't kill us.
Edwards: But they seemed so friendly...
Hunt: That's the way of the savage. Pretend to be your friend, share a drink, listen to your problems. The next thing you know, they're scooping your brains out with a spoon.
Edwards: You mean a fork...
Hunt: That would uh... depend on the tribe...
[They take off. The tribe seems to be enjoying Edwards' belongings. Bent Twig can be seen jumping on a small bed.]
Shaquinna: Mr. Hunt, the Iowas would never have killed us.
Hunt: I know that. I'm just not carrying that junk with us the whole trip.
"They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God." -Elwood Blues
[Fontenot chases Higgins out of his tent]
Higgins: Help me! Get away from me!
Hunt: What the hell's going on? Bidwell, take it easy!
Edwards: What's happening here?
Higgins: Sir, that French animal bit my ear off!
Edwards: [scoffs] Why, that's an absurd exaggeration.
[Fontenot spits out an ear]
Edwards: My apologies, Bidwell.
Fontenot: He look in our tent. He look at my woman. He saw 'er breast.
Edwards: Her breast? [smirks] You saw her breast?
Fontenot: I'll say it before, and I said it again: Any man who look at her... will die. [leaves]
[Pratt picks up the ear from the dirt]
Pratt: Look at me! I'm going to make an experiment! [speaks into ear] Hello? Bidwell? Can you hear me?
Higgins: I can hear you, Pratt!
Pratt: It works!
Edwards: Well, of course it works. He's standing right... Let's get some sleep.
Pratt: [speaks into ear] Goodnight, Bidwell. [sings a lullaby]
"They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God." -Elwood Blues
Sweet... *drools a little*
shareSorry! I've been busy lately.
Edwards: [narrating] The race to the Pacific continues. Although still bent on beating Lewis and Clark, I am cataloging new varieties of flora and fauna. I seem to be the only man with an interest in science, aside from Pratt and his dubious experiment with Bidwell's ear.
Edwards: I shall name this flower "Amanda's Bloom". Mr. Hunt, as my partner, you should be naming some of our discoveries as well.
Hunt: M-Me?
Edwards: Yes. You could name that fork in the river, for instance. Perhaps there's a loved one you'd care to immortalize?
Hunt: [thinks] Loved one? Yeah. Sure. Ah! I know! I name this here fork "Pittsburgh Nellie"... A Welsh whore who could do things with her one good arm that'd make you forget that thing on her NECK. [laughs wheezily]
"They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God." -Elwood Blues
Edwards: [narrating] By permitting Mr. Hunt to name some of our discoveries, I have unleased his imagination. He now insists that I teach him to read. His ethusiasm reminds me of the schoolboy I once was.
Edwards: Are you ready?
Hunt: Yes.
Edwards: Excellent. This is the uppercase..."A".
Hunt: Y'know, I spent a day in school once, but the schoolmarm claimed that I just couldn't concentrate.
Edwards: Well, let's prove her wrong, shall we?
Hunt: Y'know, I've waited years to hear someone say that. HAHAHA!
Edwards: Again.
[Hunt is not paying attention]
Edwards: Hunt? This is the uppercase..."A".
Hunt: The uppercase "A". I got that. All right. Whoo! Heh heh!
Edwards: And this is the lowercase..."a".
Hunt: [eyes widen] The... lowercase... "a". Oh, god! [gets extremely frustrated and starts smacking his head] Got it. Okay...
Edwards: And this is the-
Hunt: ENOUGH! DO YOU WANT MY HEAD TO EXPLODE?!?!? IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND DECENT, NO MORE FOR TODAY!!!!!
"They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God." -Elwood Blues
Edwards: [narrating] In exchange for reading lessons, Mr. Hunt reciprocates by teaching me some of his frontier skills.
Hunt: [picks up dried buffalo dung and sniffs it] The buffalo is near now.
Edward: You can tell that just by sniffing its droppings?
Hunt: No, I can see the herd right over there. [points to a buffalo herd nearby]
Edwards: Then why are you...
[Hunt continues to smell the dung with a satisfied look on his face]
---
Edwards: [looks through a telescope and takes notes. While he is taking notes, the telescope tilts down. When he looks into the telescope again, he sees Shaquinna bathing. He leaps back in shock.] No, I shouldn't... I couldn't...possibly... [he rushes to get another look] OHHHHHHH...
Hunt: EDWARDS! [walks into the shot] HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You're not doing any naming up here without me, eh partner? [playfully pretends to punch Edwards into the stomach] HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Edwards: No.
Hunt: What are you looking at?
Edwards: The moon. I was looking at the moon. For me, the moon brings to mind "romance".
Hunt: Yeah.
Edwards: Have you ever been in love, Mr. Hunt?
Hunt: Ennnnh... I've had my head under a petticoat or two. HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Edwards: [disgusted] Good lord... Must you and the others reduce everything to its crudest terms?
Hunt: I thought I'd cleaned that up rather nicely for ya...
Edward: Mr. Hunt, behold the object of my desire. Behold an angel sent down from on high...
Hunt: Angel from on high... [looks into telescope and sees Fontenot bathing] Oh my god! From here on out, you just keep your distance, all right?
Edwards: What? [looks into telescope] No, No, No! Get out of the way, you big French oaf! [adjusts telescope] Behind Fontenot...
Hunt: [looks into telescope, now sees Shaquinna bathing]
Edwards: All right, that's enough.
Hunt: WHOOOAAAHHH!
Edwards: I said all right, Mr. Hunt, that will be enough!
Hunt: Oh, I understand. You want to watch her by yourself... [laughs weezily] You want to be alone so you can "shake hands" with "Ben Franklin". [laughs weezily] You know, "polish" the "pewter". [laughs weezily]
Edwards: Polish the pewter? Why, Jonah does that for me.
Hunt: Yeah, right... [leaves]
Edwards: WHAT? No! Mr. Hunt, I assure you I would never... [smirks]
"They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God." -Elwood Blues
Edwards: [narrating] 10 July. I've driven the men hard and I'm positive we've closed the gap on Lewis and Clark. However, because of the currents, I surmised that we'd be better off portaging for the next several miles. It's hard work, but it's nothing compared to the deadly currents we'd be battling on the mighty Missouri.
[It is night at camp. Everyone is asleep. A bear walks in and creeps over to Hunt. He awakes from the presence of the bear- remains still and calm.]
Hunt: [whispering] Psst... Everybody wake up...
[everyone awakes, staying calm]
Higgins: [yawning] Oh... my... god...
Hunt: Whatever you do, don't move. If he sees you, you're dead.
Bidwell: My nose itches...
Hunt: DON'T scratch it.
Bidwell: Feels like theres a bug up in there.
Hunt: Wait. I think it's leaving.
[the bear walks back towards the woods]
Bidwell: I'm gonna scratch it.
Hunt: You scratch your nose, you're dead.
Bidwell: I don't know what's worse, the bear or my itchy nose. [quickly rubs his nose]
Hunt: No. Don't.
[the bear grabs Bidwell's feet and drags him away]
Bidwell: THE BEAR IS WORSE! THE BEAR IS DEFINITELY WORSE!!!
Hunt: That poor, poor man.
---
[It is morning. Pratt is speaking into Bidwell's severed ear.]
Pratt: Bidwell, can you hear me? [Edwards walks over] I fear the bear has killed Mr. Bidwell, sir. He's failed to communicate with me by way of his ear.
Edwards: It doesn't work that way. It doesn't work any way. But even if it did, he couldn't talk through it. [Pratt blows into the ear and puts it up against his ear] Never mind...
Bidwell: [off camera] Help me!
[Edwards quickly leans in to listen to the ear]
Pratt: [in joy] HA HA HA!
[Bidwell walks into camp with his right leg missing, and is using a tree branch as a crutch]
Edwards: Bidwell!
Bidwell: Sir, I've been to hell and back.
Edwards: Yes, I can see that...
Bidwell: I suspect that now you'll want to lead a hunting party to slay that terrible beast!
Edward: Well, yes, that thought did cross my mind... briefly. But now, I have a better idea.
Bidwell: Yes, sir?
Edward: I shall fashion for you the finest wooden leg you've ever seen.
Bidwell: But what about the bear?
Edward: Rest assured, Bidwell. In 20 years or so, the ravages of old age will deal with the bear far more cruelly than WE ever could have.
Bidwell: Revenge is sweet, sir.
"They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God." -Elwood Blues
do u have the part where he talks about ... i think his hair being better then like a womans or soemthing? i jus want waht he says about if u kno what it is.. lol thanks
shareEdwards: [narrating] 29 July. We reach the final settlement before entering uncharted territory and God only knows what.
Edwards: Well, it seems as if we've arrived.
Hunt: Wait! I can read it. I can read it! HAHAHA! [attempts to read sign] Maw... hawba... pfftt-pey... nnnh... tin-tey...
Jonah: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAN! It says "Welcome... to Snakes... Bend"!
Hunt: Ohh! God! Yeah...
Edwards: Onward, men!
Hunt: Snakes Bend. Almost had it!
[They walk into town and they stop at a tavern]
Hunt: I got it! I got it! I got it! [attempts to read sign] Maw... hawba... tey... ti...
Edwards: Yes, it's a tavern! I think it would be a nice gesture if I bought the men a few tankards of ale.
Hunt: Whoah ho ho! A nice gesture indeed! HAHAHA! [steps forward]
Edwards: [stops Hunt] We both know how you get when you drink.
Hunt: OH YES, WE DO. HAHAHA! [steps forward]
Hunt: [stops Hunt] And that's why I think you should go to the trading post for supplies NOW.
Hunt: Yeah... [walks in opposite direction]
Edwards: All right, men! Fun, fun!
[In the tavern]
Jackson: [stands up and raises his glass] To Captain Edwards!
Men: [clinks glasses] Captain Edwards!
[A man walks in]
Man: Excuse me. I had heard there was a party of brave men here. I'm here to tell you that I'm not familiar with the ways of men who've been long in the wilderness. I understand their cravings for food and drink, and also their cravings for the companionship of young women.
[The men stand up, except Edwards and Fontenot]
Jackson: He's got women!
Higgins: Where are they?
Man: Wait for me outside and I will take you to them.
[The men leave]
Man: [to Edwards and Fontenot] Gentlemen?
Fontenot: Nah! My woman pleasure me whenever *I* want.
Edwards: Yes, I shall refrain, as well. I made a solemn promise to someone.
Man: Really?
Edwards: Yes, I promised my doctor that I wouldn't... engage in that sort of thing. [eyes widen]
Fontenot: Got a drippy dong, eh?
Edwards: No. No more than normal. It drips when it should, and it doesn't when it shouldn't.
[At the trading post]
Clerk: [gathers supplies] Will that be it?
Hunt: Let's see. Uh... beans, rope. Uh... Is there a barber in town?
Clerk: I'm a barber, sir.
Hunt: Fine. I'll have a haircut and a shave.
Clerk: [quietly] By the way... You smell like something that's been passed through the system of a sick old woman...
Hunt: Well, uh... Maybe I'll have a bath too, then.
Clerk: Good idea.
[In the brothel]
Man: This way, gentlemen. Don't be shy. Come in and meet the ladies.
[They enter a room with straw women propped up against furniture]
Man: Did I not tell you they were beautiful?
Jackson: Don't you have any real women?
Man: These women may be whores, but they have their dignity. Now, who would like to be the first to introduce himself, hmm?
Pratt: [removes his hat and walks over to a straw woman] Hello, my dear. My name is Hieronymus Pratt. Might you have relatives in Richmond, Virginia? [checks "her" out]
[In the trading post, the clerk stares in a tub filled with murky water with flies buzzing over it.]
Hunt: Some of the uh... flies were there before I got in.
[In the tavern, a man armed with a rifle storms in and runs over to the bartender]
Townsman: I just saw Hidalgo!
Bartender: Hidalgo? With all his men?
Townsman: No, just a couple dozen. BUT THEY'RE HEADED THIS WAY! [leaves]
Bartener: [removes his apron] Double my wages for anyone who takes my shift! [throw apron to a man beside him; leaves]
Fontenot: I have heard of this Hidalgo. A Spaniard who wander the northwest. Even crazy people think he's cuckoo.
[Hidalgo enters the tavern with his men. He looks around the place. He notices the whimpering bartender]
Hidalgo: Did you say something?
New bartender: Uh, n-no, I...
Hidalgo: You said something about my hair...
New bartender: No...
Hidalgo: Why not? [unsheaths his sword and puts it up against the bartender's neck] You don't like my hair?
New bartender: [nervously] Yes, it's nice...
Hidalgo: "Nice"? My hair is magnificent. It's long and soft, and it shines with the light that comes from within. Can't you see it?!
New bartender: Yes! Yes, it's beautiful!
Hidalgo: Beautiful, yes. That's all I have to say. Sorry if I frightened you. [turns around, and slices his neck]
Edwards: Good God!
[At the trading post]
Hunt: [rubs his clean and shaven face] Good. You do good work.
Clerk: Thank you, sir. I strive for excellence in all my various trades.
Hunt: Tell me, uh, among those trades, you wouldn't happen to practice-
Clerk: Taxidermy?
Hunt: No... I was going to say dentistry.
Clerk: Oh, well, I'm primarily a taxidermist. However, I've practiced dentistry on some of the animals I've preserved. [points to various stuffed animals with perfect, sparkling white human-like teeth]
Hunt: Good! 'Cause I have got a molar that's been bothering me since St. Louis.
Clerk: I can oblige, sir.
Whoo! That's enough for now.
"They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God." -Elwood Blues
mcode518... this skill you have is worthy of praise.
you're awesome.
Damn you, scuba steve!
"They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God." -Elwood Blues
[At the tavern, Hidalgo is chatting with his men.]
Hidalgo: He said, "I know. It wasn't a horse, it was a donkey." Hahaha! [sees Shaquinna; walks over to her] Her hair is perfect. It's beautiful. [to Fontenot] Is this your woman?
Fontenot: She belong to me.
Hidalgo: And who are you?
Fontenot: Guy Fontenot.
Hidalgo: You may call me... Hidalgo.
Fotenot: Hidalgo.
Hidalgo: I wander the Northwest Territory searching for a fabulous place. A place where the earth trembles as it speaks and a white cross marks the location of an age-old secret.
Fontenot: And what is the secret?
Hidalgo: Ahhh... You try to trick me with your deceiving questions.
Fontenot: Hahaha!
Hidalgo: But you will learn nothing, not unless you join us.
Hidalgo: Come on. You are perfect. If you join us, everything that belongs to you belongs to me, too. [puts hand on Shaquinna's shoulder]
Fontenot: And if I don't?
Hidalgo: Then we tear out your heart, cut off your limbs and skin you alive.
Fontenot: I'll join.
Hidalgo: Good. I'm delighted.
[Fontenot stands up and shakes hands with Hidalgo.]
Hidalgo: Hahaha!
[At the trading post]
Clerk: [holding a hammer] Now this should dull your senses.
Hunt: [smiles] All right.
WHACK!
Hunt: OW! What are you doing?! What, are you trying to kill me?!
WHACK!
Hunt: OW! PUT IT DOWN! Put the thing down and pull my TOOTH! God almighty...
[The clerk picks up a pair of pliers]
Clerk: All right. Say "ah".
Hunt: It's in the back...
[The tooth doesn't budge, no matter how much the Clerk tugs at it.]
Clerk: [teeth clenched] That guy's in there...
[The clerk and the tooth play tug-of-war.]
[In the tavern]
Hidalgo: [grabs Shaquinna] Come on, let's go.
Edwards: Don't take her! Take me instead!
[pause]
Hidalgo: Put your hands on your hips.
[Edwards places his hands on his waist]
Hidalgo: No, no. Like this. [poses]
[Edwards copies him, very confused]
[After some struggling, the clerk and Hunt tumble through a wall and land outside. The clerk finally removes the tooth.]
Hunt: HAHAHAHA! And here I've avoided the dentist for years just because I thought it'd hurt! HAHAHAHA!
Clerk: Look at that!
[At the tavern]
Hidalgo: No. I think I'll keep the woman. Come on, let's go.
Edwards: You can't take a woman against her will! [Hidalgo unsheaths sword and puts it up against Edwards' neck] Of course, maybe it's time for her to spread her wings and fly-Y.
[Hunt walks in]
Hunt: Well, well. What have we got here? Hey, sonny boy. [taps breastplate] Your mother wants her roasting pan back when you're done playing with it. I challenge you and the rest of your ladies in armor to a duel.
Hidalgo: All of us?
Hunt: Every poofy prancin' one of ya.
Hidalgo: We are more than equal to a duel, senor. Especially since you won't live past the first contest. Hahaha! What weapons do yo choose? Pistols, swords, or bare fists?
Hunt: [leans in] DRINK.
Hidalgo: Drink?
[Hunt nods]
[In the brothel, the man walks up to a door]
Man: Time's up.
[Higgins leaves the room, pulling up his pants]
Higgins: Sorry. [looks behind him] I swear that's never happened to me before.
[In the tavern, the drinking duel is well underway. Hidalgo eventually falls over, and Hunt wins.]
Edwards: Well done, Mr. Hunt! I'm deeply impressed and grateful!
[We see all of Hidalgo's men laying passed out on the floor]
Hunt: [slurring] Maybe now you'll agree- drinking has its benefits.
Edwards: You saved my life.
Hunt: Yeah... Maybe now you'll agree- drinking has its benefits.
Edwards: You just said that...
Hunt: Now, if you don't mind, it's time for the liquor to take effect. NNNNNEH! [passes out]
[Man comes in]
Man: Fire! My furniture! My draperies! My WOMEN!
Higgins: Pratt's still in there!
[They all run outside to see the brothel in flames. Pratt runs out, carrying his straw woman]
Pratt: [cries] It's all my fault, Captain! She said she didn't mind if I smoked! I believed her! [cries]
Edwards: [to men] Let's retrieve Hunt from the tavern and get back to the boat. I think we've seen all that Snakes Bend has to offer...
[The next day on the boat]
Pratt: Permission to check on the condition of my woman, sir. I wanna check on her bandages and see if she can keep some food down.
Edwards: You realize, of course, this woman of yours is made of straw?
Pratt: Oh yes, sir. Figured that's why she burned so easily.
Edwards: ...
"They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God." -Elwood Blues
[Edwards is walking through a wooded area at night. He sees a tree with the words "Lewis and Clark 7 August 1804" carved on the trunk.]
Edwards: Damn.
[He takes out a pocketknife and tries to destroy the carving. Shaquinna appears.]
Edwards: Who is it? [he recognizes her] Good evening. I was just collecting samples of bark for President Jefferson. Some bark. I was collecting it. S-Samples of bark.
Shaquinna: You're not like these other men... You're softer, more delicate...
Edwards: In a rather... rough way, right?
Shaquinna: Not at all. Look at you. Thin wrists... skin like a baby... [puts hand to Edwards' cheek] almost a total absence of shoulders...
Edwards: All right, I think you've flattered me quite enough.
[Shaquinna kisses him. This elicits some hilarious facial expressions from Edwards as he then leans in to kiss her.]
Edwards: Look at me. I'm behaving like some kind of animal.
Shaquinna: I liked it...
Edwards: No, No! This can never be! I'm betrothed to another. Besides, we come from different worlds. You are primitive, and you follow your baser instincts and I come a culture that values Christian morality. Maybe one more couldn't hurt.
[Shaquinna slaps him in the face and leaves]
Edwards: What? What did I say? Shaquinna!
---
[They look at a mountain range in the distance]
Higgins: I don't see how it's possible for the river to flow up and over those mountains to the western sea.
Hunt: The river can't flow UP and OVER anything.
Higgins: So, I guess our journey's over. Yep...
[The men start to walk in the opposite direction]
Edwards: No, never! We're pushing on! We'll scale the Rocky Mountains within the month and then build canoes and float down the western slope before the first frost.
"They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God." -Elwood Blues
Edwards: [narrating] 29 October. What I had hoped was an early dusting turned out to be somewhat more. Our journey is half finished, but our food supply is nearly depleted. The only man who seems to be thriving is Pratt, who is eating the remains of his straw woman. As for me, I seem to have come down with a slight chill.
[At Edwards' bedside, the priest is praying in latin.]
Edwards: What? What do you think you're doing?
Priest: Last rites.
Edwards: No, no. There will be none of that. Please do not try to bury me before I am dead. Go away.
[The priest leaves.]
Edwards: Mama...
Shaquinna: [to Hunt] I can make medicine that will cure him. But I will need the egg of an eagle, or he will die.
Hunt: The... egg of an eagle? That's all?
Shaquinna: That is all.
Hunt: Y'know the uh, the last creatures we saw were way below the snowline.
Shaquinna: [puts hand on Hunt's chest] You're a very brave man to do this for your friend.
Hunt: Well... Ain't nothin' more than me doin' my job. Heh heh... Better be going... [leaves]
[After a long hike, Hunt finds an eagle nest sitting high on top of a tree. He climbs up and grabs an egg. Suddenly, the mother bird appears out of nowhere and attacks Hunt. He falls to the ground. Surprisingly, he's still holding the unbroken egg. He builds a fire. He is very hungry and keeps looking at the egg. He grabs a pine cone and munches on it as if it were a corn cob. He spits it out. He breaks the egg into a frying pan, fries it over the fire and eats it.]
Shaquinna: [Voiceover] We need the egg of an eagle, or he will die. He will die... He will die...
[Hunt climbs up the tree cautiously looks around. He grabs an egg. Suddenly the mother bird appears out of nowhere.]
Hunt: OH, DEAR GOD...
[The bird once again attacks Hunt.]
[Back at camp]
Edwards: [delirious] President Jefferson, I implore you. If we do not give bears the right to vote, they will rise up and bears will be in congress. And we will be the ones performing in carnivals wearing little hats!
Shaquinna: Shh...
Edwards: President Jefferson, a few months ago, I saw a naked Indian woman. When I saw the naked Indian woman, I had certain impure thoughts. Something in me has changed out here in the wilds.
Shaquinna: Shh... You must rest.
Edwards: I saw a naked Indian woman... [sucks thumb]
[Back to Hunt]
Hunt: [holding egg] NOOOOO!!!
[He grabs his rifle and shoots a boar in the distance. He cooks strips of boar meat as if they were bacon. He breaks the egg into the pan. He eats with satisfaction, then cries while still chewing. He goes back to get another egg.]
Hunt: [looks around] Okay. Where are ya? Protect your little birdies, huh? Okay. [picks up an egg]
[Again, the mother bird appears out of nowhere.]
Hunt: COME ON, YOU DAMN BIRD! COME AND GET ME!
[Hunt successfully returns to camp with the unbroken egg. Shaquinna breaks it, and the insides seep out.]
Hunt: You broke it...
Shaquinna: All I needed was the shell. Thank you.
[Shaquinna feeds Edwards a bowl of green paste. Edwards violently thrashes about and lets out a series of strange noises.]
Edwards: ...hoot.
[Shaquinna tells the men about Edward's condition.]
Shaquinna: The medicine is working!
Pratt: Can I lick the bowl? Heeheehee! [takes bowl and eats leftover paste] Mmm!
Edwards: [back to normal] Shaquinna...
Shaquinna: Yes. Your fever is broken.
Edwards: Thank you for standing by me.
Shaquinna: The person you should really thank is Mr. Hunt.
[Suddenly we see Hunt sitting next to the bed.]
Shaquinna: He risked his life to bring back an eagle egg.
Hunt: I could've just brought back the shell, but nobody bothered to tell me that...
Edwards: [smiles] Thank you, Mr. Hunt. Now we'll build canoes and be on to the Pacific by the first thaw. I cannot begin to express my... feelings.
Hunt: Don't be talking about no feelings. I don't want to have to punch ya.
[They laugh.]
Edwards: Well, just the same-
Hunt: I'm serious.
"They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God." -Elwood Blues
[Everyone is cruising down the river in the canoes that they constructed]
Edwards: Good God. [He picks up his telescope, extends it, and pokes himself in the eye with it. He sees Lewis and Clark with their men walking along the river.] What rare luck is this!
Hunt: What?
Edwards: It's Lewis and Clark. And the damn fools are portaging.
[Hunt looks into the telescope]
Hunt: They're portaging because they think the river is too dangerous up ahead. I think we should do the same.
Edwards: I see no reason for concern.
Pratt: Sir, there's an old saying: "White water in the morning."
Edwards: Yes?
Pratt: That's it...
Edwards: Mr. Hunt, this is our chance to overtake Lewis and Clark.
Hunt: Sure, we may overtake them but it ain't worth riskin' the lives of the men.
Edwards: I assure you all will be fine.
Hunt: I hope to God you're right.
[Rapids appear in the distance]
Edwards: Don't worry, men. According to my calculations, we have less then a hundred yards of rapids ahead.
[After going through the rapids, they all fall over a waterfall. Despite the destroyed canoes, everyone seems unhurt.]
Pratt: My hat's off to you, sir! We made it!
Edwards: Men, we have overtaken Lewis and Clark. Gather up the pieces of the boat and what's left of our supplies.
Hunt: No!
Edwards: I beg your pardon?
Hunt: You almost got us killed just so you could be famous. Well, I ain't takin' this no more. I'm quittin' this expedition.
Edwards: What about our partnership?
Hunt: Partnership? You didn't care nothin' about our partnership back there on the river. Well, I don't care nothin' about it now. Who's comin' with me?
Jackson: To hell with both of you. I've spent my entire life trying to make it to the Pacific and I'm going by myself! Who's going with me?
Edwards: Jonah, where do your royalties lie?
Jonah: I'm your slave. Who do you think I'm with?
Edwards: Thank you, Jonah.
Jonah: I'm going with Mr. Hunt.
Edwards: We're close! Only a few hundred miles! We will be the first! Trust me, the worst is over!
Hunt: The worst will never be over! Not with this precious DANDY in charge. If you want to live, come with me.
Edwards: Use your minds, men. Think for yourselves. Or would you rather have MR. HUNT do your thinking for you?
Priest: My heavenly Father does my thinking for me, and he thinks I'd be a damn fool not to go with Hunt.
Edwards: No, no, Father! Wait!
Bidwell: It is better to think for yourself... And I think we should continue to the Pacific.
Edwards: Stout fellow, Bidwell.
Hunt: How can you say that, man? You've had it worse than all of us. Been mauled by a bear, your ear bit off by a Frenchman...
Bidwell: True enough, sir. I have had my share of bad luck. But I cannot abandon Mr. Edwards now. For he alone has dared to dream and now we are so very close that I believe him when he says the worst is over.
[Just as Bidwell completes his sentence, he gets a bullet in his arm. He still stands as everyone else ducks.]
Bidwell: When I said the worst was over, perhaps I spoke too soon. But now, surely-
[He gets hit in the other arm]
Hunt: BIDWELL! GET... DOWN!
[We see Hidalgo and his men standing at the edge of the cliff above them]
Hidalgo: I'm sorry, I was aiming for your head! You wait there! We'll be down in a moment to capture you!
"They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God." -Elwood Blues
Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints! You're almost done... i would never have imagined you would have done so much...
shareHOLY SHIITE MUSLIM! I can't believe it either! lol!
Hidalgo: I want them in their underthings when they die. That makes it much worse, don't you think? Prepare the gauntlet.
Fontenot: [distracted] What?
Hidalgo: The gauntlet. I've decided these two men will die running the gauntlet.
Fontenot [confused ] The...
Hidalgo: The gauntlet! The gauntlet!
Fontenot: All right. CALM yourself. You don't think I know where there's a gambit? Gumblit...?
Hidalgo: Sanchez. You and the Frenchman prepare the gauntlet. [to Shaquinna] I'm sorry we must cut short or fun, my little kitten.
Shaquinna: If you so much as lay a hand on me, I will kill you!
Hidalgo: Take her away!
[Edwards and Hunt are being beaten by Hidalgo's men on the way to the gauntlet]
Hidalgo: Punch him! [to Fontenot] This is what it's all about!
[They walk over the hot coals...]
Hidalgo: Burn your feet, you cowards! Look at the poofy one!
[...then they stop to they discover that they are walking on corn]
Hidalgo: Who's idea was the corn?
[The expression on Fontenot's face shows that he is to blame. Edwards and Hunt escape.]
Hidalgo: And now they're getting away! Hector, Ferdinand, after them!
[Hector and Ferdinand follow them on horseback. Edwards and Hunt stop at the bottom of a cliff.]
Hunt: Hurry, they're almost here!
[Hunt puts out his hands to assist Edwards in climbing up the rocks. He makes it to the top.]
Edwards: Come on!
Hunt: Forget about me!
Edwards: You can do it!
Hunt: Save yourself!
Edwards: I'll never forget this, Bartholomew.
[Hector and Ferdinand find Hunt by himself]
Ferdinand: [draws sword] And now we kill you, senor, and take your head back to Hidalgo. But we do have one tiny favor to ask of you.
Hector: Yes. You see, so often, when we bring a head back to Hidalgo, it has a grim sort of look of terror in it.
Ferdinand: It would really put us in good with Hidalgo if you could smile as we kill you.
Hunt: Go to hell.
Hector: No. Did you see how ugly your face was when you said that?
Ferdinand: Say poppy.
Hector: Yes. Say poppy. You see, one cannot help but smile when they say the word poppy.
Ferdinand: Say poppy!
Hector: Say poppy!
Ferdinand: Say poppy!
Edwards: DIE, YOU SPANISH BASTARDS!
[Dramatically, Edwards leaps off the cliff in slow-motion, but then he lands face-down on the ground, several feet away from the soldiers. Hunt knocks both of them out by hitting them both in the heads with a log.]
Hunt: POPPY, you sons of bitches.
"They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God." -Elwood Blues
Hunt: Y'know, what you did back there for me was, uh, real nice of ya.
Edwards: It's fine. Don't-
Hunt: You don't understand. It's just that no one's ever done nothing like that for me before. And uh... uh... [he quickly wraps his arms around Edwards and begins to cry] Thank you, that's all! Just thank you! [sobbing] Especially someone like you who could've gotten himself killed so easy! [blows nose in his hand]
---
[They find an elderly Indian man sleeping against a leaning tree. They creep up to him.]
Edwards: Aww... I think he's sleeping.
Hunt: I think he's DEAD.
[Edwards pokes the man in the arm. He suddenly awakes.]
Edwards and Hunt: AHHH!
Old Indian: I'm sorry I scared you. I was just resting my eyes.
Edwards: We need HELP.
Old Indian: I will help. I am a proud warrior. [draws knife]
Edwards: Wait, at least let us explain the situation.
Old Indian: There's no time for that!
Hunt: Look, our men are being held captive by at least 20 conquistadors.
Edwards: Are there others in your tribe that can help us?
Hunt: Perhaps men a bit... YOUNGER... than yourself?
Old Indian: Yes.
[Edwards and Hunt laugh and jump in excitement]
---
[Back at Hidalgo's camp]
Hidalgo: I am going to cut this woman's hair off. Anybody want to guess why?
Jackson: To entertain us?
Hidalgo: No.
Pratt: Because she asked you to?
Hidalgo: No.
Higgins: Oh, I know! I know! Because her hair is more beautiful than yours, and you're jealous.
Hidalgo: No. I am going to cut her hair off because it's NOT as beautiful as mine. Because even if she won't admit it, she's thinking: "Why should I even bother to HAVE hair when he's got hair like that?" You understand?
[The men are confused]
Higgins: No, not really.
Pratt: I don't get it.
Hidalgo: Who cares? I'm going to skin you all alive anyway. [to Fontenot] Prepare her. [leaves]
Fontenot: [mimicking] Prepare her!
---
[The old Indian presents Edwards and Hunt some of his men]
Edwards: You indicated that the braves you had summoned were younger than you?
Old Indian: They are. Running Puma is two years younger. Strong Like Mountain is uh...
Strong Like Mountain: Four!
Old Inidan: Four years younger.
Hunt: We appreciate you showin' up and all, but, uh... we're going to probably just do this... ALONE...
Old Indian: At the moment of battle, our spirits will soar and give us the strength... to fight.
"They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God." -Elwood Blues
[Edwards is carrying a warrior on his back, and Hunt is dragging a crudely made cart carrying two other warriors]
Old Indian: This is the way we must travel. This way, we save our strength for the battle.
Old Warrior: Stop!
Hunt: What...now?
Old Warrior: Running Puma has to go back behind tree again.
Running Puma: I'm sorry. [walks into wooded area]
Hunt: All right... This is the last time. If anyone else has to go, do it now. I ain't stoppin' again.
[All the other warriors join Running Puma. In frustration, Hunt slams the cart handles to the ground.]
Hunt: [too Edwards] I don't see how those Indians are gonna help us.
Edwards: Perhaps we need not rely on them to fight. Perhaps I can bluff Hidalgo using my wits.
---
Hidalgo: This is getting much too difficult. We can finish brushing her hair after she's dead.
Edwards: Stop right there, senor! This has gone too far! You must release Shaquinna!
Hidalgo: Such arrogance!
Edward: You are surround by an army of Indian braves, who, on my command, will descend upon you with all the fury of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Hunt: Hell, we got more than four. And they got names like SOARING Eagle, STRONG Like Mountain, and...others...too...
Hidalgo: Where are these braves? Show them to me.
Fontenot: Show them to me, too.
[The warriors start appearing one by one]
Old Warrior: I am one of these braves.
Old Warrior: And I am one of these braves.
Old Warrior: I am one of these braves.
Hidalgo: Hahahahahaha! Well, that's quite an army! Why should we fight? Maybe if we wait a couple hours, they'll die of old age! Hahahahahaha!
[An Old Warrior shoots an arrow at Hidalgo and barely misses. This causes a big fight between the two sides. Fontenot tries to show that he decides to switch sides by kicking a fallen Spaniard.]
Fontenot: And you thought I couldn't escape you? Hahahaha!
[Hunt grabs Fontenot's neck]
Hunt: YOU... Here's an idea. You take off running into the woods and I try counting to three before I put another hole in your HAIRY... FRENCH... ASS!
Fontenot: Hahahaha! "Hairy French ass"! You had me going! [mimicking] "And I'll put a big hole in YOUR hairy French ass." Man, you-
[Hunt fires his pistol in the hair. Fontenot goes running.]
"They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God." -Elwood Blues
[Hidalgo takes Shaquinna hostage]
Hidalgo: Hey, senor! Look what I have! Your woman! Hahahaha! [he drags her up the rocks]
Hunt: [as he is choking a Spaniard] I'll take care of this.
Edwards: No. You've done enough, Bartholomew! It's time for me to fight my own battles. [he unsheaths Hunt's sword and knocks out a Spaniard unpurposely. He nods in approval.] Hidalgo is mine. [chases Hidalgo]
[Edwards catches up with them, drawing his sword as Hidalgo does the same]
Edwards: Sir, you are a coward. You seized a woman and ran. And now, I'm going to teach you a lesson.
[Hidalgo gestures "bring it on". They start fighting.]
Hidalgo: Either you're brave or you're stupid.
Edwards: Perhaps there's not much difference between the two.
[they continue fighting as they make their way on top of a cliff]
Hidalgo: You're a smart man. After I kill you, I'll have to look at your brain to see if it's different from, y'know... other brains I might have seen.
[As they fight, Hidalgo's wig gets caught on his sword and comes off his bald head]
Edwards: [in disgust] Good... GOD!
Hidalgo: OHHHHHH!
Edwards: Well, hello, baldy! Hey, baldy, baldy, baldy, baldy, BALDY!
Hidalgo: You shut up!
[They fight a little bit more, until Edwards cuts off Hidalgo's breastplate-revealing that he is wearing a corset. Edwards yanks the laces of the corset, causing it to come apart, and Hidalgo's stomach sticks out.]
Hidalgo: Now, you see me as I truly am, senor. Just a bald... fat man... beggin for your mercy. [brings Edwards' sword to his neck]
[Hunt appears from the distance]
Hunt: Edwards! We've just seen Lewis and Clark! They're a mile away and they're headed for the ocean!
Edward: My god... Well, come on, then! We can still beat them! [he joins the others]
Hidalgo: Hey, senor! This business with my wig, it's just between you and me, huh?!
[They all run until they find themselves standing on top of a cliff. The Pacific stretches forever into the distance. The men stare in awe.]
Hunt: My god...
Edwards: We did it...
Hunt: Not yet, we haven't. [points to the Lewis and Clark expedition making their way towards the beach]
Higgins: They're gonna get to the ocean before us. The only way to beat them is straight down that rock face.
Edwards: Well, then, as leader of this expedition, I should be the one that climbs down.
Hunt: Leslie! You ain't goin' down there! You'll be killed. I should go.
Edwards: Nonsense.
Hunt: This is for your own damn good. [punches Edwards in the face]
Edwards: How was THAT for my own damn good?!
Hunt: Sorry, the uh... punch was supposed to knock you out... [picks up large rock] Let's see here... This oughta do it.
Edwards: What the hell are you doing?! Go! [to men] He's gonna go!
Hunt: Pratt! Gimme the flag.
[Pratt salutes Hunt, gives him the flag, and Hunt sticks the flag behind his belt. Hunt and Edwards hug.]
Edwards: [looking down the steep rock face] Well... Good luck.
[Hunt starts climbing down the cliff until he comes to an eagle nest sitting next to him. He remembers what had happened to him back in the woods. The mother eagle appears out of nowhere.]
Hunt: OH, NO.
[The eagle picks up Hunt and carries him over the ocean.]
Hunt: OH, WHOOOOOOAAAAAAAHHHHHH! OH, GOD! NOOOOOO! PLEASE, BIRD, DON'T HURT ME! YOU PUT ME DOWN ON THE GROUND, YOU DAMN DIRTY BIRD!!!
[The bird poops on Hunt's face and drops him]
Hunt: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
[Hunt hits the water, and doesn't come to the surface. Everyone is very concerned. All of a sudden, we see Hunt leaping out of the water, with the flag in his hand. He runs towards the shore and sticks the flag into the sand.]
Hunt: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
[We see everyone on the beach, running towards Hunt]
Edwards: Hunt! YOU DID IT!
Hunt: WE ALL DID IT!
[they all cheer and laugh]
Hunt: [puzzled] What a minute... How did you get down here?
Edwards: We... found an Indian trail.
Bidwell: It was very nice.
Higgins: Yes, they even carved little steps!
Hunt: Heh! Shame we didn't take another minute or two to look around up there.
Shaquinna: [points to Lewis and Clark expedition] Leslie, look!
Edwards: YOU'RE TOO LATE! WE BEAT YOU!
Hunt: YEAH! GO HOME, LOSERS!!!
[The men cheer. Lewis and Clark turn around, and they start walking back]
Edwards: Men! We're the first to conquer this great continent!
[the men cheer, then silence]
Higgins: Time to head home.
All but Edwards: Yep...
Edwards: But why does it have to end here?
Hunt: What are you talkin' about?
Edwards: I'm talking about EXPLORING! Look here, men! We've beaten this continent! What say we try another? We could travel north to the Bering Strait, a bridge of land and ice that leads to Asia! We could walk there!
Hunt: WALK to Asia? I like it!
Edwards: And why stop there? We could go on to EUROPE!
[they all start walking along the beach]
Hunt: Edwards and Hunt, the first Americans to walk to Europe!
Higgins: The food ALONE is worth the trip!
Bidwell: The food! Sir!
Edwards: This time next Christmas, we'll be sipping champagne in Paris!
THE END
Wow! I'm finally done!!! It's sad though that it's over, since I've been having so much fun! Thanks for your support, guys!
"They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God." -Elwood Blues
Thanks for doing that... now if only I could remember why I wanted it... I'll have to save it onto my computer at some point, so please, don't delete it.
sharelol, How can you remember something you asked almost a year ago? I'm working on publishing this script on the net. Here's the entire script with no interruptions- However, it's split up into 4 parts because IMDb won't let me post a message that big.
Almost Heroes Script
Narrator: In 1804, President Thomas Jefferson commissioned Meriwether Lewis and William Clark to explore the vast, uncharted territories of the Northwest. What many people don't know, is that there was a second expediton, led by two other men, with neither the courage, vision, and intelligence as Lewis and Clark, but men nonetheless. Our story, such it is, begins in Arlington, Virginia.
[Hunt is escorted out of a building by two soldiers, and squints at the sun. A lady comes up to him and spits on him]
Lady: I hope Satan hisself rips the flesh from your miserable bones!
Hunt: Good God, lady.
[Edwards is riding a horse drawn carraige, driven by his servant, Jonah]
Edwards: Faster man, faster! As much haste as possible while maintaining a tolerable level of comfort. A man's life is at stake. [Jonah shakes the reins] Bup-bup-bup!
[Back at the fort]
Soldier: On March 25, 1804, Bartholemew Hunt, a tracker employed by the United States Army, was found guilty of drunken and misorderly conduct in the presence of an officer. He then forced that officer to waltz with him through a crowded mess hall.
Lady in crowd: [gasp]
Soldier: Do you have anything to say?
Hunt: Yes...I do. For when I've gone and have passed from this life...I want you to lower me from these gallows, and...KISS MY HAIRY BUTTOCKS!
Lady in crowd: Hang him! Hang him!
Priest: May God have mercy on this man.
[Edwards arrives at the fort. A soldier kicks away the stool that Hunt was standing on. Edwards calmly makes his way through the crowd]
Edwards: I have a stay of execution signed by President Jefferson himself! See? "Thomas...Jefferson"!
[Edwards tries to hold up Hunt]
Hunt: [hoarsly] Thank you...
[Now, Edwards and Hunt are both in a horse drawn carriage. Which is driven by Jonah, of course.]
Edwards: Mr. Hunt, I plan on being the first man to map a route to the Pacific. But I require an expert guide.
Hunt: If you wanted a tracker, why did you choose me? Why didn't you get William Clark?
Edwards: Don't you think I tried? Meriwether Lewis beat me to him. I'm sick to death of those two! Lewis and Clark, this! Lewis and Clark, that! Now we'll see who talks about them after we beat them to the Pacific. THEN we'll be invited to the finest parties. We'll see who's able to parlay their accomplishments into a political career. [stands up, acting dramatic] When the history books are written, Lewis and Clark will be but a footnote to a footnote. And, I sir, will be the... note! [loses his balance and falls back, off the wagon.]
[A party is taking place in (Aaron?)Burr's mansion]
Edwards: My hands my grow rough, my teeth may yellow, and I might even experience a general soreness in the joints. Yes, this mission will be a treacherous one, make no mistake. We will face danger from savages AND from bears. These bears are wild, mind you. Not trained carnival bears with... little hats.
Burr: Sounds exhilarating, sir. Few men would have the courage for such an endeavor.
Edwards: I'm not afraid, Mr. Burr. My mind will protect me. I'm a man of science, a man of learning, a man who knows how to buy the finest books. Fear will be our breakfast, and stark-raving terror our daily luncheon. Eh, Mr. Hunt?
[Hunt looks up at Edwards with a piece of meat dangling from his mouth]
Edwards: Mr. HUNT?
Hunt: [speaking while his mouth is full] I'd be more worried about the Indians than the bears. Tis common knowledge that when the savages capture a white man, they will split open his head, pick out his brains, and eat them with a crudely fashioned... fork, so...
Edwards: Have you witnessed such atrocities, Mr. Hunt?
Hunt: I've uh... seen the forks...
[A little later in the party, Burr walks over to Hunt with a bottle of whiskey]
Burr: You look like a man who appreciates good whiskey.
Hunt: Uh, thank you, sir. But I fear inebriation may cause me to forget my manners in such fine company.
Burr: Good god, man. I'm not talking about getting blind drunk. I just meant for you to have a taste.
Hunt: Oh, well then, a taste IT SHALL BE. Heh heh.
[Hunt takes the glass of whiskey out of Burr's hand and drinks it all. He looks at Burr in approval of the whiskey. He then takes the bottle.]
Hunt: How 'bout you get your own bottle?
[Hunt drinks the whole bottle of whiskey without stopping, spewing some from his mouth.]
Hunt: AHWHOOAAH! WHOOOAH-puh!
[Hunt wakes up in a barn with a big hangover.]
Edwards: Good morning... I had Jonah put you in here last night. It seemed the barn was the only suitable place for a man in your condition...
Hunt: I think there was something wrong with that whiskey. My head is splitting open.
Edwards: I'm surprised you're hungover at all, considering the amount you regurgitated into the harpsichord.
Hunt: Look. Sorry about that. I'd better go now.
Edwards: Mr. Hunt, I cannot go on this journey without you. I'm offering you a full partnership. What do you think of that?
Hunt: I think it ain't worth the spit you wasted saying it.
Edwards: I'm also willing to pay you one hundred dollars.
Hunt: Two hundred.
Edwards: One twenty five.
Hunt: ONE fifty.
Edwards: Deal! Ah ha ha ha! Great things are in store for us. Soon, our names will be on the lips of uh... Well, on a great many influential lips. [Hunt is watching pigs mate] Are you listening, Mr. Hunt? Mr. Hunt? [looks at the pigs] Ah... Uh, I believe these pigs would prefer their privacy...
Hunt: Hell, I paid good money to see this on stage in Louisville. Of course, there the pigs were dressed like the King and Queen of France.
Edwards: Ah, costumes! Legitimate theater.
[In St. Louis, the crew are getting ready to leave]
Jackson: I'm looking for Leslie Edwards.
Edwards: I am Leslie Edwards.
Jackson: My name's Jackson. It's been my lifelong dream to see the Pacific Ocean before I die. Please take me with you.
Hunt: An old bag of bones like you would'nt make it a hundred YARDS upriver.
Jackson: On my worst day, I could still beat the stuffing out of you, you puffed-up crow's cock!
Hunt: No, you couldn't.
Jackson: I know... Please take me with you. I must see the Pacific. Can you deny an old man his dream?
Edwards: I cannot, and I will not. Jackson, you may accompany us.
Hunt: HORSE'S ASS!
Jackson: Turd.
Edwards: Help us load the boats.
Jackson: Sorry, can't do. I'm an old man.
Hunt: [with a Frenchman by his side] Edwards, this man says you hired him as an interpreter.
Edwards: Ah, you must be Guy Fontenot.
Fontenot: I am.
Edwards: It is my understanding that you have mastered the languages of all the indigenous populations from here to the Pacific.
Fontenot: Who told you this?
Edwards: Why, you did. In your letter.
Fontenot: My letter? Ah, de letter. Yes, then it is de truth.
Edwards: Wonderful.
Fontenot: Which boat will we be in?
Edwards: "We"?
Hunt: Fontenot wants to bring his wife. I told him he can't
Fontenot: She not my wife. Not my wife. I buy her. She belong to me as a propertee.
Edwards: Ah, well, the distinction has been noted. Unfortunately, as you can see, the boats have been fully loaded, and we haven't even taken on my hats and tea service.
Fontenot: [To an attractive Indian woman in the distance] They say you can't come.
[Edwards and Hunt notice her]
Edwards: Wait a minute. You didn't let me finish. Certainly we can make room. I mean, who needs tea?
Fontenot: Let it be known... that if I catch any man LOOKING at her, I will gut him like a pig.
Edwards: Yes, I'll see if I can work that into my speech. [He and Hunt tries to get a glimpse of the woman]
Fontenot: Uh! Uh-Uh!
[Everyone is ready to go]
Priest: Father... dear Lord in Heaven, bless us as we leave this Christian world, and give us courage to bring your gospel of love and tolerance to the ignorant, gutless savages who await us. Amen.
All: Amen.
Hunt: ALL RIGHT, LETS GO!
Edwards: Hold on, Mr. Hunt! Hold on, everyone! I prepared a short address to commemorate our embarkation.
Hunt: [sarcastically, to himself] Here we go...
Edwards: Men, we are about to embark on an unprecedented adventure to the GREAT NORTH-WEST. Unfortunately, Lewis and Clark have a two-week head start, so time is of the essense. We will be... PUSHING UP the Missouri.
Higgins: What? Against the current?
Bidwell: Might'nt it be easier to go down the Mississippi instead of up the Missouri?
Edwards: Yes, it most certainly would be.
Higgins: We could go to New Orleans instead!
Fontenot: Ooh!
Edwards: Gentlemen, we have already BEEN to New Orleans.
Bidwell: Sir! I've been to New Orleans, and it's wonderful!
Higgins: Oh, I've been there as well! The food ALONE is worth the trip!
Bidwell: The food! Sir...
All: New Orleans! New Orleans! New Orleans! New Orleans! New Orleans! New Orleans!
Edwards: All right, fine! Any man who is too cowardly to share the greatest adventure in our new country's history, and would rather experience the decadence of New Orleans, well... then go right ahead.
[The men cheer as many of them get in the boats and leave. Some stay.]
Edwards: Mr. Hunt, do something.
Hunt: [calmly fires his gun in the air] The next man who leaves for New Orleans... WILL DO SO... WITH A LEAD BALL IN HIS BACK!
Edwards: May I remind you that you all have signed contracts?
Higgins: [refers to the men that are leaving] But what about them?
Edwards: Well, THEY will be dealt with.
Higgins: By who?
Edwards: All right, they escaped!
Hunt: NOW GET IN THE BOAT! Everyone!
Edwards: [Narrating] And so, our journey begins. I believe the men and I share a tremendous sense of excitement and anticipation for what lies ahead.
[As they are sailing up the river, Higgins is playing his bagpipe]
Edwards: Thank you, Higgins. Your music will be a welcome companion on our long journey. Men, we'll be following the map of trapper Pierre LeBlanc, who explored the Missouri in 1792. Mr. Hunt, you've traversed most of these territories. Tell the men what they might expect to encounter.
Hunt: Ok, well... What I remembered the most were the animals...
Edwards: [smiles] Ah, the animals...
Hunt: Fearsome beasts of the mountains and plains. I've seen a bear so powerful... that it SNAPPED a man's body in half with his huge jaws. GAARRGGHH! GAARRRGGHH! I've seen a badger with paws as big as frying pans. And that'd rip your face right off! RIGHT OFF! Nothing you can do with that! Just rip it off! Once there was a hawk that swooped down from the sky... AGGGHHH! AGGGHHH! AGGGHHH! And PLUCKED a man's eyeballs out of his sockets. AUUUGGGHHH! AUUUGGGHHH! The fella was screaming, "I'M BLIND! I CAN'T SEE!" TWICE when I was fishing...
Edwards: Hunt, Hunt! HUNT! I think you're scaring the men...
Hunt: I think it's best they know. Gives a man courage to know what he's up against.
Higgins: THERE'S AN ANIMAL NOW!
[everyone except Edwards and Hunt starts firing at the animal]
Higgins: We can't kill it! We're all dead! GOD SAVE US!
Hunt: HOLD YOUR FIRE! HOLD YOUR FIRE!
[everyone stops firing. Hunt looks closely and sees that the animal is just a squirrel nibbling on an acorn]
Hunt: It's only a squirrel.
Pratt: HE'S GOT SOMETHING IN HIS HAND!
Fontenot: Something in his hand!
[they continue firing at the squirrel]
Edwards: [narrating] 31 May, 1804. We are now spending our first night in the wilds. From this point on, hardship and deprivation will be our constant companions.
Edwards: Jonah, it is absolutely brutal out there! The water's nowhere near as hot as it was in Virginia.
[A wide shot reveals that Edwards is taking a bath in his well-furnished tent.]
Jonah: I wouldn't know, sir. Personally, I just finished washing my privates in the ice cold river.
Edwards: I think I'll... Yes, I think I'll wear my paisley robe this evening.
Jonah: It's your prerogative, sir.
Edwards: Yes, it is.
[Hunt enters the tent]
Jonah: Mr. Hunt here to see you, sir.
Hunt: I just thought I'd tell you there's already a problem with the men's morale.
Edwards: It's our first night out. How can there already be a problem?
Hunt: One faction feels that you're distant, you don't care about them. Another group feels that the original high-minded goals of the expedition have been abandoned for quick profits. You uh... have to keep on top of these things...
[outside, Edwards is lecturing the men at the campfire]
Edwards: ...and we're all in this together. We are no different from one another. Except, of course, for our rank in society and in this company. Let us get better acquainted. [sits down] What do you do with your leisure time? [no reply] Leisure time. You know, time for yourself where you don't have to work. [the men look confused] Leisure... Never mind. [to Bidwell] You, there! Fingering that stomach wound. Stand up and tell us a little about yourself.
Bidwell: M-Me sir?
Edwards: Yes, you. Bidwell, isn't it?
Bidwell: [stands up, very nervous] Y-yes, sir. Wh-what did you want to know?
Edwards: Well anything. Where are you from? What's your family like?
Bidwell: The name's Bidwell, sir. [sits down]
Edwards: Yes, I know that... All right. Well. Anyone else?
Jackson: Sir, Higgins has a story.
Hunt: [laughs] Oh, yes! You're gonna love this one!
Edwards: Well, all right then, Higgins. The floor is yours.
Higgins: [stands up] This particular event happened last summer on my uncle's farm in Virginia. My brother and I had just finished cutting a field of hay and were enjoying the evening meal under the shade of an elm tree. He went down for water by the creek, and while he was gone, I took a bowl that was filled with this DELICIOUS plum pudding, and placed into it, NOT ONE, but two LARGE pieces of sheep sh!t!
Hunt: HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Higgins: When he returned, I encouraged him to taste the plum pudding. And as sure as I'm standing before you all today, he did! He ate it all! SH!T PUDDING! He ate sh!t pudding!
[everyone except Shaquinna, the priest, and Edwards are laughing hysterically]
Edwards: Y-you got your brother to eat sheep dung.
Higgins: [laughing] Y-yes...
Edwards: Yes, that's a very amusing story...
Hunt: [laughs so hard, that he has difficulty speaking] Te-Tell him the ending! That's the best part!
Higgins: Oh! And to be completely honest, sir, I have no brother! It was ME! I ate sheep sh!t! I swear, I did!
[they laugh even harder]
Edwards: Yes, yes... Clever twist on the end, there. I think we've become well acquainted for one evening. Fun, fun... [leaves]
Hunt: He hasn't got a brother! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
[As they are moving down the river, Higgins is playing his bagpipes.]
Edwards: Higgins, when I said your music would be a welcome companion, I didn't mean-
Hunt: DON'T YOU KNOW ANY OTHER GODDAMN TUNE?! HUH?!
Higgins: [smiles] No, sir!
Pratt: Of course you do, Lad. Play them that haunting air you played me this morning...
Higgins: [mouths "Oh!", and starts playing the same tune]
[Edwards and Hunt are frustrated, but say nothing. Pratt is enjoying it.]
Hunt: [Hears drumbeats in the distance.] Quiet.
[Higgins stops playing.]
Edwards: What is it?
Hunt: Indians...
[They stop pull up to the side of the river and get off.]
Hunt: These are the Iowas.
Edwards: Fontenot, please greet this man in his native tongue.
Fontenot: Ha ha ha! Ho ho ho! Why do I laugh? You see, out of the hundreds of languages that I speak fluent... this is uh... not one of them...
Edwards: Bad luck.
Hunt: They do trade with whites. They probably speak english.
[A big man with a big feathered headdress walks over to them.]
Edwards: Good day! I bring you wishes for peace from Thomas Jefferson, the Great Chief of the Whites!
Bent Twig: [slaps Edwards]
Hunt: [to Edwards] You've insulted him. You forgot to introduce yourself. [to Bent Twig] I am Bartholemew Hunt, and this here is Leslie Edwards.
Bent Twig: [slaps Hunt, which causes his hat to fall off.]
Hunt: [to Edwards] Your turn...
Edwards: I am told you speak English. IS THIS SO?
Bent Twig: [slaps Hunt]
Edwards: Well, we seem to be making some progress...
Hunt: [to Edwards] Let me try something. [to Bent Twig] WE WISH... TO TRY... Oh, forget this. [A slap fight occurs between the three of them. Hunt grabs Bent Twig's shoulders and starts shaking him] WE COME IN PEACE... ON BEHALF OF PRESIDENT JEFFERSON, YOUUUU-
Edwards: [sees a man coming over] Hunt. Hunt! HUNT!
Chief Two Roads: I am Chief Two Roads.
Edwards: If you're the Chief, then who is that?
Chief Two Roads: His name is Bent Twig. He's not right in the head...
[Bent Twig starts trilling and flaps his arms like a chicken.]
[A ceremony is taking place. The tribesmen pass around a buffalo head. It ends up in Higgins' hands.]
Higgins: I've got it. Now what do I do with it?
Tribesman: Put it on.
Higgins: All right. [puts on buffalo head]
[All the men wrestle Higgins to the ground]
[The crew are about to leave. Hunt can be seen having a conversation with the chief. He then walks over to Edwards.]
Hunt: Good news. Looks like they're gonna let us live.
Edwards: Let us live?
Hunt: I had to give them some of your finer things, of course, so they wouldn't kill us.
Edwards: But they seemed so friendly...
Hunt: That's the way of the savage. Pretend to be your friend, share a drink, listen to your problems. The next thing you know, they're scooping your brains out with a spoon.
Edwards: You mean a fork...
Hunt: That would uh... depend on the tribe...
[They take off. The tribe seems to be enjoying Edwards' belongings. Bent Twig can be seen jumping on a small bed.]
Shaquinna: Mr. Hunt, the Iowas would never have killed us.
Hunt: I know that. I'm just not carrying that junk with us the whole trip.
[Fontenot chases Higgins out of his tent]
Higgins: Help me! Get away from me!
Hunt: What the hell's going on? Bidwell, take it easy!
Edwards: What's happening here?
Higgins: Sir, that French animal bit my ear off!
Edwards: [scoffs] Why, that's an absurd exaggeration.
[Fontenot spits out an ear]
Edwards: My apologies, Bidwell.
Fontenot: He look in our tent. He look at my woman. He saw 'er breast.
Edwards: Her breast? [smirks] You saw her breast?
Fontenot: I'll say it before, and I said it again: Any man who look at her... will die. [leaves]
[Pratt picks up the ear from the dirt]
Pratt: Look at me! I'm going to make an experiment! [speaks into ear] Hello? Bidwell? Can you hear me?
Higgins: I can hear you, Pratt!
Pratt: It works!
Edwards: Well, of course it works. He's standing right... Let's get some sleep.
Pratt: [speaks into ear] Goodnight, Bidwell. [sings a lullaby]
Edwards: [narrating] The race to the Pacific continues. Although still bent on beating Lewis and Clark, I am cataloging new varieties of flora and fauna. I seem to be the only man with an interest in science, aside from Pratt and his dubious experiment with Bidwell's ear.
Edwards: I shall name this flower "Amanda's Bloom". Mr. Hunt, as my partner, you should be naming some of our discoveries as well.
Hunt: M-Me?
Edwards: Yes. You could name that fork in the river, for instance. Perhaps there's a loved one you'd care to immortalize?
Hunt: [thinks] Loved one? Yeah. Sure. Ah! I know! I name this here fork "Pittsburgh Nellie"... A Welsh whore who could do things with her one good arm that'd make you forget that thing on her NECK. [laughs wheezily]
Edwards: [narrating] By permitting Mr. Hunt to name some of our discoveries, I have unleased his imagination. He now insists that I teach him to read. His ethusiasm reminds me of the schoolboy I once was.
Edwards: Are you ready?
Hunt: Yes.
Edwards: Excellent. This is the uppercase..."A".
Hunt: Y'know, I spent a day in school once, but the schoolmarm claimed that I just couldn't concentrate.
Edwards: Well, let's prove her wrong, shall we?
Hunt: Y'know, I've waited years to hear someone say that. HAHAHA!
Edwards: Again.
[Hunt is not paying attention]
Edwards: Hunt? This is the uppercase..."A".
Hunt: The uppercase "A". I got that. All right. Whoo! Heh heh!
Edwards: And this is the lowercase..."a".
Hunt: [eyes widen] The... lowercase... "a". Oh, god! [gets extremely frustrated and starts smacking his head] Got it. Okay...
Edwards: And this is the-
Hunt: ENOUGH! DO YOU WANT MY HEAD TO EXPLODE?!?!? IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND DECENT, NO MORE FOR TODAY!!!!!
Edwards: [narrating] In exchange for reading lessons, Mr. Hunt reciprocates by teaching me some of his frontier skills.
Hunt: [picks up dried buffalo dung and sniffs it] The buffalo is near now.
Edward: You can tell that just by sniffing its droppings?
Hunt: No, I can see the herd right over there. [points to a buffalo herd nearby]
Edwards: Then why are you...
[Hunt continues to smell the dung with a satisfied look on his face]
---
Edwards: [looks through a telescope and takes notes. While he is taking notes, the telescope tilts down. When he looks into the telescope again, he sees Shaquinna bathing. He leaps back in shock.] No, I shouldn't... I couldn't...possibly... [he rushes to get another look] OHHHHHHH...
Hunt: EDWARDS! [walks into the shot] HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You're not doing any naming up here without me, eh partner? [playfully pretends to punch Edwards into the stomach] HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Edwards: No.
Hunt: What are you looking at?
Edwards: The moon. I was looking at the moon. For me, the moon brings to mind "romance".
Hunt: Yeah.
Edwards: Have you ever been in love, Mr. Hunt?
Hunt: Ennnnh... I've had my head under a petticoat or two. HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Edwards: [disgusted] Good lord... Must you and the others reduce everything to its crudest terms?
Hunt: I thought I'd cleaned that up rather nicely for ya...
Edward: Mr. Hunt, behold the object of my desire. Behold an angel sent down from on high...
Hunt: Angel from on high... [looks into telescope and sees Fontenot bathing] Oh my god! From here on out, you just keep your distance, all right?
Edwards: What? [looks into telescope] No, No, No! Get out of the way, you big French oaf! [adjusts telescope] Behind Fontenot...
Hunt: [looks into telescope, now sees Shaquinna bathing]
Edwards: All right, that's enough.
Hunt: WHOOOAAAHHH!
Edwards: I said all right, Mr. Hunt, that will be enough!
Hunt: Oh, I understand. You want to watch her by yourself... [laughs weezily] You want to be alone so you can "shake hands" with "Ben Franklin". [laughs weezily] You know, "polish" the "pewter". [laughs weezily]
Edwards: Polish the pewter? Why, Jonah does that for me.
Hunt: Yeah, right... [leaves]
Edwards: WHAT? No! Mr. Hunt, I assure you I would never... [smirks]
Edwards: [narrating] 10 July. I've driven the men hard and I'm positive we've closed the gap on Lewis and Clark. However, because of the currents, I surmised that we'd be better off portaging for the next several miles. It's hard work, but it's nothing compared to the deadly currents we'd be battling on the mighty Missouri.
[It is night at camp. Everyone is asleep. A bear walks in and creeps over to Hunt. He awakes from the presence of the bear- remains still and calm.]
Hunt: [whispering] Psst... Everybody wake up...
[everyone awakes, staying calm]
Higgins: [yawning] Oh... my... god...
Hunt: Whatever you do, don't move. If he sees you, you're dead.
Bidwell: My nose itches...
Hunt: DON'T scratch it.
Bidwell: Feels like theres a bug up in there.
Hunt: Wait. I think it's leaving.
[the bear walks back towards the woods]
Bidwell: I'm gonna scratch it.
Hunt: You scratch your nose, you're dead.
Bidwell: I don't know what's worse, the bear or my itchy nose. [quickly rubs his nose]
Hunt: No. Don't.
[the bear grabs Bidwell's feet and drags him away]
Bidwell: THE BEAR IS WORSE! THE BEAR IS DEFINITELY WORSE!!!
Hunt: That poor, poor man.
---
[It is morning. Pratt is speaking into Bidwell's severed ear.]
Pratt: Bidwell, can you hear me? [Edwards walks over] I fear the bear has killed Mr. Bidwell, sir. He's failed to communicate with me by way of his ear.
Edwards: It doesn't work that way. It doesn't work any way. But even if it did, he couldn't talk through it. [Pratt blows into the ear and puts it up against his ear] Never mind...
Bidwell: [off camera] Help me!
[Edwards quickly leans in to listen to the ear]
Pratt: [in joy] HA HA HA!
[Bidwell walks into camp with his right leg missing, and is using a tree branch as a crutch]
Edwards: Bidwell!
Bidwell: Sir, I've been to hell and back.
Edwards: Yes, I can see that...
Bidwell: I suspect that now you'll want to lead a hunting party to slay that terrible beast!
Edward: Well, yes, that thought did cross my mind... briefly. But now, I have a better idea.
Bidwell: Yes, sir?
Edward: I shall fashion for you the finest wooden leg you've ever seen.
Bidwell: But what about the bear?
Edward: Rest assured, Bidwell. In 20 years or so, the ravages of old age will deal with the bear far more cruelly than WE ever could have.
Bidwell: Revenge is sweet, sir.
Edwards: [narrating] 29 July. We reach the final settlement before entering uncharted territory and God only knows what.
Edwards: Well, it seems as if we've arrived.
Hunt: Wait! I can read it. I can read it! HAHAHA! [attempts to read sign] Maw... hawba... pfftt-pey... nnnh... tin-tey...
Jonah: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAN! It says "Welcome... to Snakes... Bend"!
Hunt: Ohh! God! Yeah...
Edwards: Onward, men!
Hunt: Snakes Bend. Almost had it!
[They walk into town and they stop at a tavern]
Hunt: I got it! I got it! I got it! [attempts to read sign] Maw... hawba... tey... ti...
Edwards: Yes, it's a tavern! I think it would be a nice gesture if I bought the men a few tankards of ale.
Hunt: Whoah ho ho! A nice gesture indeed! HAHAHA! [steps forward]
Edwards: [stops Hunt] We both know how you get when you drink.
Hunt: OH YES, WE DO. HAHAHA! [steps forward]
Hunt: [stops Hunt] And that's why I think you should go to the trading post for supplies NOW.
Hunt: Yeah... [walks in opposite direction]
Edwards: All right, men! Fun, fun!
[In the tavern]
Jackson: [stands up and raises his glass] To Captain Edwards!
Men: [clinks glasses] Captain Edwards!
[A man walks in]
Man: Excuse me. I had heard there was a party of brave men here. I'm here to tell you that I'm not familiar with the ways of men who've been long in the wilderness. I understand their cravings for food and drink, and also their cravings for the companionship of young women.
[The men stand up, except Edwards and Fontenot]
Jackson: He's got women!
Higgins: Where are they?
Man: Wait for me outside and I will take you to them.
[The men leave]
Man: [to Edwards and Fontenot] Gentlemen?
Fontenot: Nah! My woman pleasure me whenever *I* want.
Edwards: Yes, I shall refrain, as well. I made a solemn promise to someone.
Man: Really?
Edwards: Yes, I promised my doctor that I wouldn't... engage in that sort of thing. [eyes widen]
Fontenot: Got a drippy dong, eh?
Edwards: No. No more than normal. It drips when it should, and it doesn't when it shouldn't.
[At the trading post]
Clerk: [gathers supplies] Will that be it?
Hunt: Let's see. Uh... beans, rope. Uh... Is there a barber in town?
Clerk: I'm a barber, sir.
Hunt: Fine. I'll have a haircut and a shave.
Clerk: [quietly] By the way... You smell like something that's been passed through the system of a sick old woman...
Hunt: Well, uh... Maybe I'll have a bath too, then.
Clerk: Good idea.
[In the brothel]
Man: This way, gentlemen. Don't be shy. Come in and meet the ladies.
[They enter a room with straw women propped up against furniture]
Man: Did I not tell you they were beautiful?
Jackson: Don't you have any real women?
Man: These women may be whores, but they have their dignity. Now, who would like to be the first to introduce himself, hmm?
Pratt: [removes his hat and walks over to a straw woman] Hello, my dear. My name is Hieronymus Pratt. Might you have relatives in Richmond, Virginia? [checks "her" out]
[In the trading post, the clerk stares in a tub filled with murky water with flies buzzing over it.]
Hunt: Some of the uh... flies were there before I got in.
[In the tavern, a man armed with a rifle storms in and runs over to the bartender]
Townsman: I just saw Hidalgo!
Bartender: Hidalgo? With all his men?
Townsman: No, just a couple dozen. BUT THEY'RE HEADED THIS WAY! [leaves]
Bartener: [removes his apron] Double my wages for anyone who takes my shift! [throw apron to a man beside him; leaves]
Fontenot: I have heard of this Hidalgo. A Spaniard who wander the northwest. Even crazy people think he's cuckoo.
[Hidalgo enters the tavern with his men. He looks around the place. He notices the whimpering bartender]
Hidalgo: Did you say something?
New bartender: Uh, n-no, I...
Hidalgo: You said something about my hair...
New bartender: No...
Hidalgo: Why not? [unsheaths his sword and puts it up against the bartender's neck] You don't like my hair?
New bartender: [nervously] Yes, it's nice...
Hidalgo: "Nice"? My hair is magnificent. It's long and soft, and it shines with the light that comes from within. Can't you see it?!
New bartender: Yes! Yes, it's beautiful!
Hidalgo: Beautiful, yes. That's all I have to say. Sorry if I frightened you. [turns around, and slices his neck]
Edwards: Good God!
[At the trading post]
Hunt: [rubs his clean and shaven face] Good. You do good work.
Clerk: Thank you, sir. I strive for excellence in all my various trades.
Hunt: Tell me, uh, among those trades, you wouldn't happen to practice-
Clerk: Taxidermy?
Hunt: No... I was going to say dentistry.
Clerk: Oh, well, I'm primarily a taxidermist. However, I've practiced dentistry on some of the animals I've preserved. [points to various stuffed animals with perfect, sparkling white human-like teeth]
Hunt: Good! 'Cause I have got a molar that's been bothering me since St. Louis.
Clerk: I can oblige, sir.
[At the tavern, Hidalgo is chatting with his men.]
Hidalgo: He said, "I know. It wasn't a horse, it was a donkey." Hahaha! [sees Shaquinna; walks over to her] Her hair is perfect. It's beautiful. [to Fontenot] Is this your woman?
Fontenot: She belong to me.
Hidalgo: And who are you?
Fontenot: Guy Fontenot.
Hidalgo: You may call me... Hidalgo.
Fotenot: Hidalgo.
Hidalgo: I wander the Northwest Territory searching for a fabulous place. A place where the earth trembles as it speaks and a white cross marks the location of an age-old secret.
Fontenot: And what is the secret?
Hidalgo: Ahhh... You try to trick me with your deceiving questions.
Fontenot: Hahaha!
Hidalgo: But you will learn nothing, not unless you join us.
Hidalgo: Come on. You are perfect. If you join us, everything that belongs to you belongs to me, too. [puts hand on Shaquinna's shoulder]
Fontenot: And if I don't?
Hidalgo: Then we tear out your heart, cut off your limbs and skin you alive.
Fontenot: I'll join.
Hidalgo: Good. I'm delighted.
[Fontenot stands up and shakes hands with Hidalgo.]
Hidalgo: Hahaha!
[At the trading post]
Clerk: [holding a hammer] Now this should dull your senses.
Hunt: [smiles] All right.
WHACK!
Hunt: OW! What are you doing?! What, are you trying to kill me?!
WHACK!
Hunt: OW! PUT IT DOWN! Put the thing down and pull my TOOTH! God almighty...
[The clerk picks up a pair of pliers]
Clerk: All right. Say "ah".
Hunt: It's in the back...
[The tooth doesn't budge, no matter how much the Clerk tugs at it.]
Clerk: [teeth clenched] That guy's in there...
[The clerk and the tooth play tug-of-war.]
[In the tavern]
Hidalgo: [grabs Shaquinna] Come on, let's go.
Edwards: Don't take her! Take me instead!
[pause]
Hidalgo: Put your hands on your hips.
[Edwards places his hands on his waist]
Hidalgo: No, no. Like this. [poses]
[Edwards copies him, very confused]
[After some struggling, the clerk and Hunt tumble through a wall and land outside. The clerk finally removes the tooth.]
Hunt: HAHAHAHA! And here I've avoided the dentist for years just because I thought it'd hurt! HAHAHAHA!
Clerk: Look at that!
[At the tavern]
Hidalgo: No. I think I'll keep the woman. Come on, let's go.
Edwards: You can't take a woman against her will! [Hidalgo unsheaths sword and puts it up against Edwards' neck] Of course, maybe it's time for her to spread her wings and fly-Y.
[Hunt walks in]
Hunt: Well, well. What have we got here? Hey, sonny boy. [taps breastplate] Your mother wants her roasting pan back when you're done playing with it. I challenge you and the rest of your ladies in armor to a duel.
Hidalgo: All of us?
Hunt: Every poofy prancin' one of ya.
Hidalgo: We are more than equal to a duel, senor. Especially since you won't live past the first contest. Hahaha! What weapons do yo choose? Pistols, swords, or bare fists?
Hunt: [leans in] DRINK.
Hidalgo: Drink?
[Hunt nods]
[In the brothel, the man walks up to a door]
Man: Time's up.
[Higgins leaves the room, pulling up his pants]
Higgins: Sorry. [looks behind him] I swear that's never happened to me before.
[In the tavern, the drinking duel is well underway. Hidalgo eventually falls over, and Hunt wins.]
Edwards: Well done, Mr. Hunt! I'm deeply impressed and grateful!
[We see all of Hidalgo's men laying passed out on the floor]
Hunt: [slurring] Maybe now you'll agree- drinking has its benefits.
Edwards: You saved my life.
Hunt: Yeah... Maybe now you'll agree- drinking has its benefits.
Edwards: You just said that...
Hunt: Now, if you don't mind, it's time for the liquor to take effect. NNNNNEH! [passes out]
[Man comes in]
Man: Fire! My furniture! My draperies! My WOMEN!
Higgins: Pratt's still in there!
[They all run outside to see the brothel in flames. Pratt runs out, carrying his straw woman]
Pratt: [cries] It's all my fault, Captain! She said she didn't mind if I smoked! I believed her! [cries]
Edwards: [to men] Let's retrieve Hunt from the tavern and get back to the boat. I think we've seen all that Snakes Bend has to offer...
[The next day on the boat]
Pratt: Permission to check on the condition of my woman, sir. I wanna check on her bandages and see if she can keep some food down.
Edwards: You realize, of course, this woman of yours is made of straw?
Pratt: Oh yes, sir. Figured that's why she burned so easily.
Edwards: ...
[Edwards is walking through a wooded area at night. He sees a tree with the words "Lewis and Clark 7 August 1804" carved on the trunk.]
Edwards: Damn.
[He takes out a pocketknife and tries to destroy the carving. Shaquinna appears.]
Edwards: Who is it? [he recognizes her] Good evening. I was just collecting samples of bark for President Jefferson. Some bark. I was collecting it. S-Samples of bark.
Shaquinna: You're not like these other men... You're softer, more delicate...
Edwards: In a rather... rough way, right?
Shaquinna: Not at all. Look at you. Thin wrists... skin like a baby... [puts hand to Edwards' cheek] almost a total absence of shoulders...
Edwards: All right, I think you've flattered me quite enough.
[Shaquinna kisses him. This elicits some hilarious facial expressions from Edwards as he then leans in to kiss her.]
Edwards: Look at me. I'm behaving like some kind of animal.
Shaquinna: I liked it...
Edwards: No, No! This can never be! I'm betrothed to another. Besides, we come from different worlds. You are primitive, and you follow your baser instincts and I come a culture that values Christian morality. Maybe one more couldn't hurt.
[Shaquinna slaps him in the face and leaves]
Edwards: What? What did I say? Shaquinna!
[They look at a mountain range in the distance]
Higgins: I don't see how it's possible for the river to flow up and over those mountains to the western sea.
Hunt: The river can't flow UP and OVER anything.
Higgins: So, I guess our journey's over. Yep...
[The men start to walk in the opposite direction]
Edwards: No, never! We're pushing on! We'll scale the Rocky Mountains within the month and then build canoes and float down the western slope before the first frost.
Edwards: [narrating] 29 October. What I had hoped was an early dusting turned out to be somewhat more. Our journey is half finished, but our food supply is nearly depleted. The only man who seems to be thriving is Pratt, who is eating the remains of his straw woman. As for me, I seem to have come down with a slight chill.
[At Edwards' bedside, the priest is praying in latin.]
Edwards: What? What do you think you're doing?
Priest: Last rites.
Edwards: No, no. There will be none of that. Please do not try to bury me before I am dead. Go away.
[The priest leaves.]
Edwards: Mama...
Shaquinna: [to Hunt] I can make medicine that will cure him. But I will need the egg of an eagle, or he will die.
Hunt: The... egg of an eagle? That's all?
Shaquinna: That is all.
Hunt: Y'know the uh, the last creatures we saw were way below the snowline.
Shaquinna: [puts hand on Hunt's chest] You're a very brave man to do this for your friend.
Hunt: Well... Ain't nothin' more than me doin' my job. Heh heh... Better be going... [leaves]
[After a long hike, Hunt finds an eagle nest sitting high on top of a tree. He climbs up and grabs an egg. Suddenly, the mother bird appears out of nowhere and attacks Hunt. He falls to the ground. Surprisingly, he's still holding the unbroken egg. He builds a fire. He is very hungry and keeps looking at the egg. He grabs a pine cone and munches on it as if it were a corn cob. He spits it out. He breaks the egg into a frying pan, fries it over the fire and eats it.]
Shaquinna: [Voiceover] We need the egg of an eagle, or he will die. He will die... He will die...
[Hunt climbs up the tree cautiously looks around. He grabs an egg. Suddenly the mother bird appears out of nowhere.]
Hunt: OH, DEAR GOD...
[The bird once again attacks Hunt.]
[Back at camp]
Edwards: [delirious] President Jefferson, I implore you. If we do not give bears the right to vote, they will rise up and bears will be in congress. And we will be the ones performing in carnivals wearing little hats!
Shaquinna: Shh...
Edwards: President Jefferson, a few months ago, I saw a naked Indian woman. When I saw the naked Indian woman, I had certain impure thoughts. Something in me has changed out here in the wilds.
Shaquinna: Shh... You must rest.
Edwards: I saw a naked Indian woman... [sucks thumb]
[Back to Hunt]
Hunt: [holding egg] NOOOOO!!!
[He grabs his rifle and shoots a boar in the distance. He cooks strips of boar meat as if they were bacon. He breaks the egg into the pan. He eats with satisfaction, then cries while still chewing. He goes back to get another egg.]
Hunt: [looks around] Okay. Where are ya? Protect your little birdies, huh? Okay. [picks up an egg]
[Again, the mother bird appears out of nowhere.]
Hunt: COME ON, YOU DAMN BIRD! COME AND GET ME!
[Hunt successfully returns to camp with the unbroken egg. Shaquinna breaks it, and the insides seep out.]
Hunt: You broke it...
Shaquinna: All I needed was the shell. Thank you.
[Shaquinna feeds Edwards a bowl of green paste. Edwards violently thrashes about and lets out a series of strange noises.]
Edwards: ...hoot.
[Shaquinna tells the men about Edward's condition.]
Shaquinna: The medicine is working!
Pratt: Can I lick the bowl? Heeheehee! [takes bowl and eats leftover paste] Mmm!
Edwards: [back to normal] Shaquinna...
Shaquinna: Yes. Your fever is broken.
Edwards: Thank you for standing by me.
Shaquinna: The person you should really thank is Mr. Hunt.
[Suddenly we see Hunt sitting next to the bed.]
Shaquinna: He risked his life to bring back an eagle egg.
Hunt: I could've just brought back the shell, but nobody bothered to tell me that...
Edwards: [smiles] Thank you, Mr. Hunt. Now we'll build canoes and be on to the Pacific by the first thaw. I cannot begin to express my... feelings.
Hunt: Don't be talking about no feelings. I don't want to have to punch ya.
[They laugh.]
Edwards: Well, just the same-
Hunt: I'm serious.
[Everyone is cruising down the river in the canoes that they constructed]
Edwards: Good God. [He picks up his telescope, extends it, and pokes himself in the eye with it. He sees Lewis and Clark with their men walking along the river.] What rare luck is this!
Hunt: What?
Edwards: It's Lewis and Clark. And the damn fools are portaging.
[Hunt looks into the telescope]
Hunt: They're portaging because they think the river is too dangerous up ahead. I think we should do the same.
Edwards: I see no reason for concern.
Pratt: Sir, there's an old saying: "White water in the morning."
Edwards: Yes?
Pratt: That's it...
Edwards: Mr. Hunt, this is our chance to overtake Lewis and Clark.
Hunt: Sure, we may overtake them but it ain't worth riskin' the lives of the men.
Edwards: I assure you all will be fine.
Hunt: I hope to God you're right.
[Rapids appear in the distance]
Edwards: Don't worry, men. According to my calculations, we have less then a hundred yards of rapids ahead.
[After going through the rapids, they all fall over a waterfall. Despite the destroyed canoes, everyone seems unhurt.]
Pratt: My hat's off to you, sir! We made it!
Edwards: Men, we have overtaken Lewis and Clark. Gather up the pieces of the boat and what's left of our supplies.
Hunt: No!
Edwards: I beg your pardon?
Hunt: You almost got us killed just so you could be famous. Well, I ain't takin' this no more. I'm quittin' this expedition.
Edwards: What about our partnership?
Hunt: Partnership? You didn't care nothin' about our partnership back there on the river. Well, I don't care nothin' about it now. Who's comin' with me?
Jackson: To hell with both of you. I've spent my entire life trying to make it to the Pacific and I'm going by myself! Who's going with me?
Edwards: Jonah, where do your royalties lie?
Jonah: I'm your slave. Who do you think I'm with?
Edwards: Thank you, Jonah.
Jonah: I'm going with Mr. Hunt.
Edwards: We're close! Only a few hundred miles! We will be the first! Trust me, the worst is over!
Hunt: The worst will never be over! Not with this precious DANDY in charge. If you want to live, come with me.
Edwards: Use your minds, men. Think for yourselves. Or would you rather have MR. HUNT do your thinking for you?
Priest: My heavenly Father does my thinking for me, and he thinks I'd be a damn fool not to go with Hunt.
Edwards: No, no, Father! Wait!
Bidwell: It is better to think for yourself... And I think we should continue to the Pacific.
Edwards: Stout fellow, Bidwell.
Hunt: How can you say that, man? You've had it worse than all of us. Been mauled by a bear, your ear bit off by a Frenchman...
Bidwell: True enough, sir. I have had my share of bad luck. But I cannot abandon Mr. Edwards now. For he alone has dared to dream and now we are so very close that I believe him when he says the worst is over.
[Just as Bidwell completes his sentence, he gets a bullet in his arm. He still stands as everyone else ducks.]
Bidwell: When I said the worst was over, perhaps I spoke too soon. But now, surely-
[He gets hit in the other arm]
Hunt: BIDWELL! GET... DOWN!
[We see Hidalgo and his men standing at the edge of the cliff above them]
Hidalgo: I'm sorry, I was aiming for your head! You wait there! We'll be down in a moment to capture you!
Hidalgo: I want them in their underthings when they die. That makes it much worse, don't you think? Prepare the gauntlet.
Fontenot: [distracted] What?
Hidalgo: The gauntlet. I've decided these two men will die running the gauntlet.
Fontenot [confused ] The...
Hidalgo: The gauntlet! The gauntlet!
Fontenot: All right. CALM yourself. You don't think I know where there's a gambit? Gumblit...?
Hidalgo: Sanchez. You and the Frenchman prepare the gauntlet. [to Shaquinna] I'm sorry we must cut short or fun, my little kitten.
Shaquinna: If you so much as lay a hand on me, I will kill you!
Hidalgo: Take her away!
[Edwards and Hunt are being beaten by Hidalgo's men on the way to the gauntlet]
Hidalgo: Punch him! [to Fontenot] This is what it's all about!
[They walk over the hot coals...]
Hidalgo: Burn your feet, you cowards! Look at the poofy one!
[...then they stop to they discover that they are walking on corn]
Hidalgo: Who's idea was the corn?
[The expression on Fontenot's face shows that he is to blame. Edwards and Hunt escape.]
Hidalgo: And now they're getting away! Hector, Ferdinand, after them!
[Hector and Ferdinand follow them on horseback. Edwards and Hunt stop at the bottom of a cliff.]
Hunt: Hurry, they're almost here!
[Hunt puts out his hands to assist Edwards in climbing up the rocks. He makes it to the top.]
Edwards: Come on!
Hunt: Forget about me!
Edwards: You can do it!
Hunt: Save yourself!
Edwards: I'll never forget this, Bartholomew.
[Hector and Ferdinand find Hunt by himself]
Ferdinand: [draws sword] And now we kill you, senor, and take your head back to Hidalgo. But we do have one tiny favor to ask of you.
Hector: Yes. You see, so often, when we bring a head back to Hidalgo, it has a grim sort of look of terror in it.
Ferdinand: It would really put us in good with Hidalgo if you could smile as we kill you.
Hunt: Go to hell.
Hector: No. Did you see how ugly your face was when you said that?
Ferdinand: Say poppy.
Hector: Yes. Say poppy. You see, one cannot help but smile when they say the word poppy.
Ferdinand: Say poppy!
Hector: Say poppy!
Ferdinand: Say poppy!
Edwards: DIE, YOU SPANISH BASTARDS!
[Dramatically, Edwards leaps off the cliff in slow-motion, but then he lands face-down on the ground, several feet away from the soldiers. Hunt knocks both of them out by hitting them both in the heads with a log.]
Hunt: POPPY, you sons of bitches.
Hunt: Y'know, what you did back there for me was, uh, real nice of ya.
Edwards: It's fine. Don't-
Hunt: You don't understand. It's just that no one's ever done nothing like that for me before. And uh... uh... [he quickly wraps his arms around Edwards and begins to cry] Thank you, that's all! Just thank you! [sobbing] Especially someone like you who could've gotten himself killed so easy! [blows nose in his hand]
---
[They find an elderly Indian man sleeping against a leaning tree. They creep up to him.]
Edwards: Aww... I think he's sleeping.
Hunt: I think he's DEAD.
[Edwards pokes the man in the arm. He suddenly awakes.]
Edwards and Hunt: AHHH!
Old Indian: I'm sorry I scared you. I was just resting my eyes.
Edwards: We need HELP.
Old Indian: I will help. I am a proud warrior. [draws knife]
Edwards: Wait, at least let us explain the situation.
Old Indian: There's no time for that!
Hunt: Look, our men are being held captive by at least 20 conquistadors.
Edwards: Are there others in your tribe that can help us?
Hunt: Perhaps men a bit... YOUNGER... than yourself?
Old Indian: Yes.
[Edwards and Hunt laugh and jump in excitement]
---
[Back at Hidalgo's camp]
Hidalgo: I am going to cut this woman's hair off. Anybody want to guess why?
Jackson: To entertain us?
Hidalgo: No.
Pratt: Because she asked you to?
Hidalgo: No.
Higgins: Oh, I know! I know! Because her hair is more beautiful than yours, and you're jealous.
Hidalgo: No. I am going to cut her hair off because it's NOT as beautiful as mine. Because even if she won't admit it, she's thinking: "Why should I even bother to HAVE hair when he's got hair like that?" You understand?
[The men are confused]
Higgins: No, not really.
Pratt: I don't get it.
Hidalgo: Who cares? I'm going to skin you all alive anyway. [to Fontenot] Prepare her. [leaves]
Fontenot: [mimicking] Prepare her!
---
[The old Indian presents Edwards and Hunt some of his men]
Edwards: You indicated that the braves you had summoned were younger than you?
Old Indian: They are. Running Puma is two years younger. Strong Like Mountain is uh...
Strong Like Mountain: Four!
Old Inidan: Four years younger.
Hunt: We appreciate you showin' up and all, but, uh... we're going to probably just do this... ALONE...
Old Indian: At the moment of battle, our spirits will soar and give us the strength... to fight.
[Edwards is carrying a warrior on his back, and Hunt is dragging a crudely made cart carrying two other warriors]
Old Indian: This is the way we must travel. This way, we save our strength for the battle.
Old Warrior: Stop!
Hunt: What...now?
Old Warrior: Running Puma has to go back behind tree again.
Running Puma: I'm sorry. [walks into wooded area]
Hunt: All right... This is the last time. If anyone else has to go, do it now. I ain't stoppin' again.
[All the other warriors join Running Puma. In frustration, Hunt slams the cart handles to the ground.]
Hunt: [too Edwards] I don't see how those Indians are gonna help us.
Edwards: Perhaps we need not rely on them to fight. Perhaps I can bluff Hidalgo using my wits.
---
Hidalgo: This is getting much too difficult. We can finish brushing her hair after she's dead.
Edwards: Stop right there, senor! This has gone too far! You must release Shaquinna!
Hidalgo: Such arrogance!
Edward: You are surround by an army of Indian braves, who, on my command, will descend upon you with all the fury of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Hunt: Hell, we got more than four. And they got names like SOARING Eagle, STRONG Like Mountain, and...others...too...
Hidalgo: Where are these braves? Show them to me.
Fontenot: Show them to me, too.
[The warriors start appearing one by one]
Old Warrior: I am one of these braves.
Old Warrior: And I am one of these braves.
Old Warrior: I am one of these braves.
Hidalgo: Hahahahahaha! Well, that's quite an army! Why should we fight? Maybe if we wait a couple hours, they'll die of old age! Hahahahahaha!
[An Old Warrior shoots an arrow at Hidalgo and barely misses. This causes a big fight between the two sides. Fontenot tries to show that he decides to switch sides by kicking a fallen Spaniard.]
Fontenot: And you thought I couldn't escape you? Hahahaha!
[Hunt grabs Fontenot's neck]
Hunt: YOU... Here's an idea. You take off running into the woods and I try counting to three before I put another hole in your HAIRY... FRENCH... ASS!
Fontenot: Hahahaha! "Hairy French ass"! You had me going! [mimicking] "And I'll put a big hole in YOUR hairy French ass." Man, you-
[Hunt fires his pistol in the hair. Fontenot goes running.]
[Hidalgo takes Shaquinna hostage]
Hidalgo: Hey, senor! Look what I have! Your woman! Hahahaha! [he drags her up the rocks]
Hunt: [as he is choking a Spaniard] I'll take care of this.
Edwards: No. You've done enough, Bartholomew! It's time for me to fight my own battles. [he unsheaths Hunt's sword and knocks out a Spaniard unpurposely. He nods in approval.] Hidalgo is mine. [chases Hidalgo]
[Edwards catches up with them, drawing his sword as Hidalgo does the same]
Edwards: Sir, you are a coward. You seized a woman and ran. And now, I'm going to teach you a lesson.
[Hidalgo gestures "bring it on". They start fighting.]
Hidalgo: Either you're brave or you're stupid.
Edwards: Perhaps there's not much difference between the two.
[they continue fighting as they make their way on top of a cliff]
Hidalgo: You're a smart man. After I kill you, I'll have to look at your brain to see if it's different from, y'know... other brains I might have seen.
[As they fight, Hidalgo's wig gets caught on his sword and comes off his bald head]
Edwards: [in disgust] Good... GOD!
Hidalgo: OHHHHHH!
Edwards: Well, hello, baldy! Hey, baldy, baldy, baldy, baldy, BALDY!
Hidalgo: You shut up!
[They fight a little bit more, until Edwards cuts off Hidalgo's breastplate-revealing that he is wearing a corset. Edwards yanks the laces of the corset, causing it to come apart, and Hidalgo's stomach sticks out.]
Hidalgo: Now, you see me as I truly am, senor. Just a bald... fat man... beggin for your mercy. [brings Edwards' sword to his neck]
[Hunt appears from the distance]
Hunt: Edwards! We've just seen Lewis and Clark! They're a mile away and they're headed for the ocean!
Edward: My god... Well, come on, then! We can still beat them! [he joins the others]
Hidalgo: Hey, senor! This business with my wig, it's just between you and me, huh?!
[They all run until they find themselves standing on top of a cliff. The Pacific stretches forever into the distance. The men stare in awe.]
Hunt: My god...
Edwards: We did it...
Hunt: Not yet, we haven't. [points to the Lewis and Clark expedition making their way towards the beach]
Higgins: They're gonna get to the ocean before us. The only way to beat them is straight down that rock face.
Edwards: Well, then, as leader of this expedition, I should be the one that climbs down.
Hunt: Leslie! You ain't goin' down there! You'll be killed. I should go.
Edwards: Nonsense.
Hunt: This is for your own damn good. [punches Edwards in the face]
Edwards: How was THAT for my own damn good?!
Hunt: Sorry, the uh... punch was supposed to knock you out... [picks up large rock] Let's see here... This oughta do it.
Edwards: What the hell are you doing?! Go! [to men] He's gonna go!
Hunt: Pratt! Gimme the flag.
[Pratt salutes Hunt, gives him the flag, and Hunt sticks the flag behind his belt. Hunt and Edwards hug.]
Edwards: [looking down the steep rock face] Well... Good luck.
[Hunt starts climbing down the cliff until he comes to an eagle nest sitting next to him. He remembers what had happened to him back in the woods. The mother eagle appears out of nowhere.]
Hunt: OH, NO.
[The eagle picks up Hunt and carries him over the ocean.]
Hunt: OH, WHOOOOOOAAAAAAAHHHHHH! OH, GOD! NOOOOOO! PLEASE, BIRD, DON'T HURT ME! YOU PUT ME DOWN ON THE GROUND, YOU DAMN DIRTY BIRD!!!
[The bird poops on Hunt's face and drops him]
Hunt: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
[Hunt hits the water, and doesn't come to the surface. Everyone is very concerned. All of a sudden, we see Hunt leaping out of the water, with the flag in his hand. He runs towards the shore and sticks the flag into the sand.]
Hunt: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
[We see everyone on the beach, running towards Hunt]
Edwards: Hunt! YOU DID IT!
Hunt: WE ALL DID IT!
[they all cheer and laugh]
Hunt: [puzzled] What a minute... How did you get down here?
Edwards: We... found an Indian trail.
Bidwell: It was very nice.
Higgins: Yes, they even carved little steps!
Hunt: Heh! Shame we didn't take another minute or two to look around up there.
Shaquinna: [points to Lewis and Clark expedition] Leslie, look!
Edwards: YOU'RE TOO LATE! WE BEAT YOU!
Hunt: YEAH! GO HOME, LOSERS!!!
[The men cheer. Lewis and Clark turn around, and they start walking back]
Edwards: Men! We're the first to conquer this great continent!
[the men cheer, then silence]
Higgins: Time to head home.
All but Edwards: Yep...
Edwards: But why does it have to end here?
Hunt: What are you talkin' about?
Edwards: I'm talking about EXPLORING! Look here, men! We've beaten this continent! What say we try another? We could travel north to the Bering Strait, a bridge of land and ice that leads to Asia! We could walk there!
Hunt: WALK to Asia? I like it!
Edwards: And why stop there? We could go on to EUROPE!
[they all start walking along the beach]
Hunt: Edwards and Hunt, the first Americans to walk to Europe!
Higgins: The food ALONE is worth the trip!
Bidwell: The food! Sir!
Edwards: This time next Christmas, we'll be sipping champagne in Paris!
THE END
Isn't it Bidwell speaking in this scene, not Higgins?
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