BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: THE ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS-A CLINICAL DISSECTION

Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas-A Clinical Dissection

by Ed Cowell

24 pages

Disney's BEAUTY AND THE BEAST is an examination of the human soul, as well as an intellectual celebration of love, beauty, and art. The film itself is a work of art, combining astounding visuals (most of them hand-drawn) characters who have worked their way into our collective consicousness, and a deeply moving story that engages the viewer on multiple levels,as great art does. BEAUTY AND THE BEAST opened my mind to the world of film, and reinforces my belief in the arts when I lose faith. It was nominated for a Best Picture Oscar(insert trademark symbol) which it did not win. A film like BEAUTY AND THE BEAST transcends mere awards. It is the greatest animated film ever made; it is simply one of the very best films in the history of cinema. Based on a fairy tale that has proven timeless, the film was originally shown in an "in-progress" format before being released in November 1991; the crowd gave it a ten-minute standing ovation.
BEAUTY AND THE BEAST concerns a man whose hideous soul has been draped over his body for the world to see, and the woman who inspires the gradual transfiguration that renews his humanity. There is an intense chemistry between them that is both intellectual and erotic. The film leaves no doubt that Belle and the Prince-he is never given a name; I call him Francois-are very much in love. It is one of the most joyous, uplifting endings in cinematic history. I have witnessed this film cause men,women and children to cry. It tends to inspire strong emotions in people-including hate-as classic cinema does. The film itself is a character study, perhaps the most psychologically complex,meticulously detailed animated film in existence. It is a treatise on beauty and creativity, a story of substance, which is a sign of true Beauty. Most of all,it is a love story.

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST has become my favorite movie. As of this writing,I have seen it three-hundred and eighty-one times. It is a transcendent masterpiece,a genuinely moviing love story,as well as a visually poetic fairy tale bursting with hilarious moments of comedy, genuine wit, suspense, eroticism, and a palpable sense of wonder. The characters imbue the movie with soul missing from most live-action movies. Belle's beauty is balanced by her intellectual demeanor; neither the Prince nor the servants are intimidated by her intelligence. She fascinates them. They see her not only as a saviour or a potential mistress for their master,but as a woman. Belle finds a new home where human intellect is valued instead of suppressed, where her interests are understood and encouraged rather than ridiculed. These are people I wish I knew personally. I feel like they would understand me.

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST speaks through music, as well as its jaw-dropping visuals; at times, words are conveyed in unspoken gestures filled with emotion,pain,desire,love and longing. Beneath the animation lies muscle, flesh,bone and blood. Like Jean Cocteau's film of the fairy tale, it is as close to our collective consciousness as a movie can possibly be. I once read an article by a writer named Jim Sollisch which said that the Prince is an Everyman character; I have come to understand exactly what he meant. I can see myself in both beast and man. Leonard Maltin compared Cocteau's film to a moving painting. Personally,I think the same can be said here.

How I wish this were a paper about BEAUTY AND THE BEAST. I wish this paper were meant to detail what the movie means to me, as a lover of books, glad that truly artful cinema is not dead. I wish it were a paper about my belief that there is a parallel universe where the characters are absolutely real. I could write for pages and pages about why the film is a masterpiece, a cinematic landmark, a triumph of Art over corporate sterility, a film that destroys cynicism, a triumph of good over evil that closes the gap between generations to tell a story adults can appreciate just as deeply as children.

Unfortunately,that is not what this particular paper concerns. This paper is about BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: THE ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS. It doesn't deserve to be studied or deeply considered like this in the first place. It celebrates nothing but its own sanctimonious pretension. I have informed a number of people-my mother included-and their reactions have been unanimous. They told me not to write this paper. They know that BEAUTY AND THE BEAST is a very personal film for me. They're right. It's incredibly personal. I relate to it more than I relate to reality. I cannot talk or think about THE ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS without becoming either sad or enraged. I am a lover and a student of cinema, and as such, I feel I have a duty. I am going to spoil THE ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS so none of you reading this will have to subject yourselves to it.

This presentation was originally a list. I posted it at various places on the Internet like Mr. Cranky Rates The Movies and The Internet Movie Database. I compiled it while watching THE ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS,stopping each and every time I knew something was wrong and recorded the inaccuracy on a notepad. Later, I transcribed the list onto a word processor. It felt rather juvenile after awhile; I wasn't satisfied with just a list; I feel like I have grown as a writer,and this feeling led to this list. Originally, it took three or four hours to watch THE ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS,which is only 72 minutes long. That is not to say that short films cannot be classics. Bunuel and Dali's UN CHIEN ANDALOU runs a mere 15 minutes. Many of Maya Deren's films-MESHES OF THE AFTERNOON and her other works-are quite brief. I'm glad that THE ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS is brief,even if it feels like it drags on for hours. The video is so unpleasant and mean-spirited that a longer running time would only add to the sheer tedium. THE ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS is one of those projects-I refuse to refer to it as a movie because doing so would degrade motion pictures as a whole. THE ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS seems to hate its own audience,as all responsible parties were rampant misanthropes and their collective antipathy was mixed in with the ink in every single cel of animation. It carries a stench not unlike emesis.

Before I begin the section on THE ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS,I'd just like to say that this paper odes not seek to embarrass any of the people who lended their voices to the project. For all the hatred I have directed-and will direct momentarily-at THE ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS-I must admit that the cast is fantastic. All the thespians who lended their voices deserved a much more mature project; most of the cast from BEAUTY AND THE BEAST returned,which makes me wonder if anyone saw the THE ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS script beforehand. I don't understand why anyone agreed to do this,other than that they had a contractual obligation. Rex Everhart,the voice of Maurice,died of lung cancer in March 2000. (A pointless but interesting note: Everhart can be used in the Six Degrees Of Kevin Bacon game,as he was Enos the truck driver in one of the FRIDAY THE 13TH movies.) Also absent: Richard White(Gaston) Jesse Corti (Lefou) and Bradley Michael Pierce,who was replaced by none other than Haley Joel Osment as the voice of Chip. Osment has fortunately gone on to better things. His filmography tends to leave THE ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS out completely. Paige O'Hara, Robby Benson, Jerry Orbach, David Ogden Stiers and Angela Lansbury all returned,but I refuse to say that they reprised their roles; I admire this group too much. It is as if their characters have been replaced by Pod People. Tim Curry certainly deserved more than what he had to deal with; those of you who've seen CLUE and NATIONAL LAMPOON'S LOADED WEAPON 1("All RIGHT. Maybe I'm not your WORST nightmare,but I'm RIGHT up there!") and THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW know how talented Curry is. His character, Forte,is yet another variation of Snidely Whiplash. Then there's Paul Reubens. Although he has found success with other projects, Paul Reubens will always be Pee-Wee Herman to my generation; a lot of us get really depressed thinking about the time he was caught masturbating in that porno theater; to cast him as Fife was an act of horrific irony. He didn't deserve to be the voice of one of the most irritating animated characters known to man. ("My soooooloooooo!") He's Disney's answer to Jar Jar Binks or Scrappy Doo.

When I first heard there was going to be another BEAUTY AND THE BEAST movie, I was enthralled. Another story featuring the characters with which I felt as one. I actually lost sleep over it. When it came out in 1997-released by the television arm of Walt Disney Productions-I went to the Cleveland Public Library and checked it out. I watched it with a mounting sense of disgusted horror and a rage more profound than I have ever felt. I felt emotionally and psychologically violated. Worst of all,they were acting like they were actually proud of what they had done. This is my protest; this is my way of screaming at all responsible parties that what they did was wrong.

When compared to BEAUTY AND THE BEAST, THE ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS is blasphemy. It is vicious,mean-spirited, an obnoxious condescending insult directed at those who love BEAUTY AND THE BEAST. THE ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS is a messy example of corporately sanctioned fan fiction. It is soulless, joyless attempt to cash in on the original film, as well as the holiday season itself. It ignores indisputable canonical events and has all the depth of a Saturday morning toy commercial masquerading as a TV show. It claims to be about finding hope at Christmas,yet there is no levity whatsoever. All attempts at humor fail and die twitching. Even the description on the clamshell case in which the movie comes isn't funny as they seemed to think. There's an inside joke in the synopsis that only organists would understand,about Forte "pulling out all the stops." Well, ha ha HA.

I am a firm believer in the parallel universe theory. As I indicated before,I believe there is a parallel universe where BEAUTY AND THE BEAST really happened and the characters still live,as real as anyone reading this paper. THE ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS is set in a different universe than BEAUTY AND THE BEAST,if it actually exists at all. I intend tø prove this as undeniable fact. This presentation is meant to discredit THE ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS and the rest of Disney's attempts to force more badly done BEAUTY AND THE BEAST down the throats of the people who love it. I am concentrating on THE ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS because it richly deserves to be openly loathed,ridiculed,and reviled. I refuse to willingly exist on the same planet as THE ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS. As I said in the original list: This presentation contains cold hard merciless facts and if you can't handle it...tough. I suffered. This thing lied to me and attempted to rip out my heart. I felt as if my brain were being monitored,as if I were on MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000,and someone was waiting to see if The Enchanted Christmas would break my spirit so they could unleash it upon the world and rule Earth with an iron fist as the population tearfully begged them to just make it stop. Instead,it made me angry. Angry enough to write this and make the world realize why THE ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS is unadulterated crap. It's just plain wrong. It was made in the hopes of making a profit,not for people to watch and cherish and appreciate as art. If it were a living person,I would murder it. I would send it to Hell piece by piece by piece. I have nothing but contempt for it and you're about to read why. To avoid confusion,I will be referring to the characters using the prefix "anti-" in front of their names. Let us begin at the beginnng:

As the movie opens,we see a procession of people caroling in front of the castle singing "Deck The Halls." Just who these people are is a mystery; we never see them again. However,since BEAUTY AND THE BEAST takes place in the 18th century,the singing of "Deck The Halls" is anachronistic,since the words were composed by J. P. McCaskey...in 1881. This alone makes the movie redundant. It also proves that NOBODY INVOLVED WITH THE PROJECT DID ANY RESEARCH WHATSOEVER.

Then the Anti-Chip makes his appearance. We saw Chip in regular human form at the end of Beauty And The Beast,and the Chip with which we are presented here is quite simply not Chip. He has this stupid blond pompadour that looks ridiculous. There's also a lovely moment when he wipes his nose on his sleeve. Neither is the dog that joins him the dog we saw at the end of BATB. If it is,he has contracted some disease that makes dogs age backwards. Throughout the movie,the interpretations of the characters-on the parts of both the artists and the writers-desecrate both appearance and personality. These are not the characters we loved from Beauty And The Beast. This lack of attention to detail mars the entire production. (If the end result can actually be referred to as a "production.") The best and most embarrasing example of inaccurate characterization is the Anti-Beast yelling "COGSWORTH! COGSWORRRRRRTH!" when he wants the Anti-Cogsworth. This is wrong. Obviously,he never had to do that in BEAUTY AND THE BEAST. Cogsworth is the head of the household,and damn good at his job. No one ever has to yell for him, because he's already there. This is only one of the ways in which Beast has been altered(Altered Beast!)to suit the needs of the video. Then there's the Anti-Mrs. Potts,whose face seems to be gravitating towards her knees. Not even Belle is spared; actually,I should say,the Anti-Belle. The Anti-Chip runs into the ballroom,followed by the Anti-dog,who seems to be aging backwards. That is the only explanation I can think of,since he seems to be the only dog in the castle. He has also been given the unlikely name of Sultan. They race to the Anti-ballroom,where the Anti-Mrs. Potts,Anti-Lumiere,Anti-Cogsworth and a silent Anti-Maurice wait. There is also a pointless character named Angelique (voiced by the amazing Bernadette Peters.) She has obviously been created for the video,as have Fife and Forte and the Jewish Axe,who is reason enough not to watch,as his attitude has been lifted from the robotic clothiers in Woody Allen's SLEEPER; he is more a Jewish stereotype than he is an actual character. Had they been excised,there would have been little damage to an already hopeless story. In fact,completely rewriting the script and eliminating these characters would have been an improvement.

The Anti-servants start talking about last Christmas,and the video goes into Flashback mode. This automatically dooms the entire video,for the events of BEAUTY AND THE BEAST obviously happened. Since we have already seen these events, a flashback guarantees that whatever Forte does will obviously fail,making the song "Don't Fall In Love" more tedious than it already is. It also destroys whatever suspense the filmmakers thought the story held; in BEAUTY AND THE BEAST, Belle was never truly in danger, and neither is she in THE ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS,even though it may look like she's in mortal peril.

As the flashback begins,the Anti-servants are looking for the Anti-Belle and Anti-Beast,trying to get them together. This is another reason that the video doesn't work. Roger Ebert already said it in his review of the film-the servants are naturally all on Belle's side. As they search,they spout inane dialogue,stealing some dialogue from BEAUTY AND THE BEAST; also,they continue to say things they would never ever say. The Anti-Mrs. Potts makes a remark about the Anti-Belle's kindness and the Anti-Lumiere says "Her looks don't hurt either." That's not something the real Lumiere would say. Lumiere is a ladies' man and a gentleman,not some thoughtless jerk who objectifies women. That's two characters bastardized. A minute later,they prove that they don't understand Cogsworth,insinuating that he doesn't like to exercise,which adds up to a fat joke.

They catch up to the Anti-Belle and suggest a walk. Outside,she runs into the Ant-Beast,who falls far too easily on the ice. Beast has the agility and grace of a lion-I refuse to believe he could fall as easily as he does. This is the beginning of a beautiful ice skating scene that is unneccssarily ruined by the introduction of Fife and Forte. For those of you who have never seen THE ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS-I wish I was one of you-Forte was apparently the anti-court composer. That's what the people who made the movie want you to accept. This is where THE ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS becomes an examination of unrequited homosexual obsession. Forte symbolizes an emasculated male. His genitals have been taken away in his transformation, and ironically,he has been transformed into an organ. He chooses Fife as his accomplice,not only because Fife is a gullible,sniveling little idiot who'll do what he is told,but also because Fife,as a piccolo,is very phallic. Forte doesn't see Fife as a partner in crime,he sees Fife as a kind of dildo; a replacement for his lost genitalia. Fife is a phallic substitute that Forte needs to truly realize his rage over his unrequited desire for the Anti- Prince. He needs to get Belle out of the way. He calls humanity overrated and he would definitely live longer as a musical instrument,but certain things he says make me question his true motives. "Before the enchantment there was no need for my particular brand of genius. But now the master needs my melodies to feed his tormented soul." It's the things he doesn't say. "I am his confidante and his best friend-" since WHEN? "-and I won't let some peasant girl ruin it for me. Fife,see to it that this blossoming love withers on the vine." He needs to get the Anti-Belle out of the way because he wants the Anti-Prince to himself. It is around this point where the writing begins to turn into what feels like scribblings from the consciousness of a two-year-old trying to comprehend his environment. Forte tells Fife that he's writing an opera,and that there's a solo for a fife when Fife asks. "Oh,I'd do ANYTHING for a solo," Fife gushes,and this becomes his raison d'etre. In a wholly unnecessary end to the skating scene,he causes the anti-Belle and anti-Beast to crash into a snowdrift. It was such a beautiful scene and the filmmakers ruined it completely.

The anti-Belle makes a snow angel and the anti-Beast gets angry because the script requires him to do so. He pretentiously notes, "This is no angel. It's the shadow of a MONSTER." He destroys the angels and rages back into the castle. "I don't know why I bother," the Anti-Belle says. The real Belle wouldn't say that. She falls back into the snow as if defeated. This is so completely out of character that it makes me question whether the people who made the video actually watched the movie at all. Then,a brief scene in Beast's apartment,where there is a huge room off to the side that WAS NOT THERE in the original film. All the junk cluttered around the room seems to be missing too. Forte is in this mysterious new room. "I hate Christmas," the Anti-Beast oh-so-conveniently explains. Forte consoles him,calling him "old friend" and that "I'm here for you,just as I have been,just as I always will be." Except,of course,in BEAUTY AND THE BEAST.

Then we come to anti-Belle and anti-Chip. "Why is the Beast such a grump?" Belle wonders aloud. Come on. I cannot believe they would waste such a vacuous line on Belle. This leads to the Anti-Chip asking her,"Belle,what's Christmas?" Like most of this movie,it is absolutely unbelieveable that Chip doesn't know what Christmas is. Mrs. Potts is a good mother and would have explained it to him. Anti-Belle decides to give Anti-Beast a story for Christmas,which leads to the song "Stories." This song is cheapened by the images that go with it,which reference other Disney movies-the Anti-Beast on Pride Rock,Anti-Belle and Anti-Beast riding the Magic Carpet. Anti-Belle has just told Anti-Chip about Christmas presents,so I guess exploiting the commercial side of Christmas seemed somehow appropriate since this video does nothing but exploit,exploit and exploit.

The next scene,in the kitchen,features a further demolishing of Cogsworth. He is turned into a witless,generic authority figure,where just the opposite is true. Oh,and of course,since he's obese, he just HAS to lose his composure at the mere mention of food. In BEAUTY AND THE BEAST,he seems to be on some sort of diet. At least he didn't slobber looking at the food at dinner. The writers didn't understand him and they took away his dignity in completely butchering his character. "What are you waiting for- Christmas?" anti-Lumiere says,one of the many examples of what passes for wit in the video. Of course, Fife eavesdrops on everything, hiding like the coward that he is. The only reason he wasn't neutralized by the anti- Mrs. Potts was because the story (just using the word "story" in conjunction with this mess makes me want to laugh until I burst a blood vessel in my brain and not have to think about it ever again) the video would have been over if she had. In the next scene,punctuated by a rather heartbreaking halfhearted zoom shot towards one of the towers-which just screams "MADE FOR TV!"-we meet Angelique,the castle decorator. As I mentioned before,she was not in the original movie. I don't understand what she's doing in this one,either. The anti-Belle,anti-Chip,and anti-Lumiere find her in the attic,along with some anthropomorphosized Christmas lights. Who were these Christmas lights originally? We never find out. Of course,Lumiere has a past with Angelique. Again,Fife has followed them,somehow without being noticed. Angelique is reluctant to help them,and this leads to a song called "As Long As There's Christmas." The stereotypes that the writers have managed to make of the servants are prevalent in this song,despite a few interesting lyrics. They manage to find a rhyme for "Montmartre" and anti-Cogsworth sings "We are due for a party." Anti-Lumiere breaks out of his stereotype with "We will meet in the garden..." which is a better visual in my head than anything in the actual movie.

All right. Next comes an especially bad scene. The Anti-Beast remembers the night he was transformed. Of COURSE,it just happened to happen at Christmas. This whole scene proves without a doubt that this entire story is taking place in some kind of parallel universe. First,however: the Anti-Beast is shocked by the news that the Anti-Belle is planning to celebrate Christmas. Forte uses that to try and convince Anti-Beast that she doesn't care how he feels and that he's the one who does care. "She's actually trying to bring Christmas back to the castle,and you know how much we despise Christmas." Not you. We. Forte says "we" instead of "you" and the Anti-Beast doesn't even notice,due to the needs of the lame plot. While I'm on the subject of Forte,let me just state my belief that Beast would never in a million years fall under Forte's spell. He is not an idiot. Moreso,he has been transformed into a being that is not quite man or animal,but both. His instincts should tell him that Forte is up to no good. The writers either didn't care (hey,they had a PRODUCT to foist) or didn't understand him. It's completely unbelievable...and don't get me started on those stupid energy angels. I waited in vain for the Anti-Beast to get one between his paws and clap it into a mess of ectoplasm. The real Beast has sharp instincts and intellect waiting to emerge from his soul. He is an artist,a poet,a lover at heart.

The Anti-Beast flashes back to the night he was transformed-"The day my life ended," he says,which just goes to show how brain-dead the writers were by that point since the flashback takes place at night. A flashback inside a flashback inside a huge pack of lies. Were the makers of the video trying to delude themselves that what they were making could ever be mistaken for artful creativity? There's an eye-rolling,pretentious visual from the back of the fireplace,behind the flames,which leads us into the other flashback. We get a glimpse of Forte in human form and any questions raised about why he'd want to remain a musical instrument are pretty much answered. He's a creepy old man; apparently no one was the least bit disturbed in having an openly pederastic villain in their stupid little kiddie video.

The Anti-Prince terrorizes the anti-servants for a second and then there's a knock at the doors. He goes and answers it and the Anti-Enchantress stands on the other side. She looks like a sweet little old lady. WRONG. What happened to the Prince being "repulsed by her haggard appearance?" The Prince doesn't look repulsed at all-he just looks bored. She looks like my grandmother. According to the stained-glass windows in BEAUTY AND THE BEAST,she was hunched over,a tooth jutting from her mouth and only one eye. Here,she has no deformity,she's just extremely short. Also, as I mentioned before,she is quite clearly wearing green in the stained-glass. The stained-glass images at the beginning of BEAUTY AND THE BEAST clearly show her in green,leaving NO ROOM WHATSOEVER FOR DEBATE, first as a hideous old crone,and then after she reveals her true for to the Prince,a beautiful woman. She looks kind of like Michelle Pfeiffer. She wears green throughout. She is,inarguably, wearing a green gown. Yet,in The Enchanted Christmas,the gown is red.The gown does not change color when she reveals her true form. Here,she is clad in red and her hair is shaped inaccurately,and it is also the wrong shade of yellow.The anti-Prince is dressed in an inaccurate manner as well. The stained-glass dictates that he was dressed quite regally. In the flashback,he wears only a white poet's shirt and pants. In the flashback,he remembers being presented with a storybook, which he hates. He demands a gift from Forte and Forte plays a really depressing piece of music "in your honor,sir." The anti-Prince hates it because that "stuff" is too gloomy. He goes from 18th-century Prince to Valley Guy in the space of a second. The idea that his actions have been dictated by music just SUCKS. It takes away the responsibility for his actions away from him,where it belongs. This,of course,is a modern attitude.

The Anti-Enchantress,in disguise,doesn't even say hello. She says "Please accept this rose in exchange for shelter from the bitter cold." I guess was in the process of memorizing the Prologue from BEAUTY AND THE BEAST and just said whatever was in her head. "I don't need a rose," he says,which is a dumb thing to say. Why would he say that? All he needed to say was what the script claims he said next-"Go away,you wretched old hag." The Prologue dictates that he refused her twice. In THE ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS,he only refuses her once. "I don't need a rose. Go away you wretched old hag." is only one refusal. What happened to the second refusal and the warning not to be decieved by appearances? Were they so hard up for cash that they threw indisputable,canonical details to the wind in the name of moving units and making a profit?

Continuing,the writing becomes absolutely obnoxious. Forte tells the Anti- Beast that "a little birdie" told him the Anti-Belle went to the boiler room. Fife laughs and tweets like a bird. In the boiler room,the boiler is alive. I don't understand how that happened. Was there a man in the boiler room keeping the castle warm with his body heat before the curse? The amount of perspiration involved would be absolutely horrifying. Of course,that's only part of the stupiditity of this scene. The anti-Belle meets the Jewish Axe. I mentioned him before,and he is here now,his dialogue very reminiscent of Woody Allen's SLEEPER. He was not in the original film either-he is only in the film so all the Jewish kids in the audience won't feel left out,I guess. The anti-Beast comes in and she tells him about the tradition of touching the yule log and making a wish. I guess that was their idea of a witty double entendre. "Wishes are stupid," the anti-Beast says,again,not something he would say. He would and does say the word "stupid" in BEAUTY AND THE BEAST but he would never say something that thick-headed. He also uses a double negative-"There won't be no Christmas." If you find that too terrible to believe,consult a closed-caption television set. The anti-Belle and anti-Beast verbally spar for a minute-"The only one holding us prisoner here is you," she says,and leaves. There is no reason for her to leave other than to keep the story moving. Back in her room,anti-Chip tells her the ballroom is all set up and that they need a tree. They stop by anti-Beast's room and drop off his *coughplotdevicecough* present and then go out to find the tree. This leads to a strange scene where the castle grounds seem to have been taken away by the developers from POLTERGEIST. The anti-Belle and anti-Chip can't find a tree; meanwhile,anti-Lumiere watches them. "She is beautiful,no?" Now that sounds like Lumiere! Unfortunately,this right direction dead-ends when anti-Beast finds his present,has a moment of sensitivity("But I don't have a gift for her." "It is not too late.") Then he grumbles "I guess I could get her a little something," (referring to anti-Belle) it's such a shockingly crude moment that I wanted to turn off the movie and forget I ever saw it. Anti-Beast asks Forte to compose a song for Anti-Belle. Back outside, the search for a tree is unsuccessful. Then,back in the room, Forte tells Fife that Belle is evil-"She holds him from my grasp!" You can just imagine which parts of the Beast he'd like to be grasping. On to a pathetically unfunny scene with the Ax. Anti-Belle begins to hear music-which no one else in the castle can hear,apparently-and Fife joins in. Somehow,this startles the dog,who uncharacteristically runs away.Anti-Belle follows the dog to Forte's room,where she meets Fife and Forte. She turns Fife into even more of a giggling idiot than he already is. Forte tries to make her feel guilty for keeping her word to anti-Beast that she wouldn't leave the grounds.

In order for the story to keep going,Belle has to listen to and believe Forte; she has to be oblivious to the fact that she is being manipulated. Since she is obviously a better judge of character than that, the rest of the video is meaningless. It is soulless corporate revisionism of the worst sort. The Anti-Belle's decisions are dictated not by her character,but by the needs of the plot. She is unrelentingly sweet and optimistic,despite being treated the way some people would treat an incontinent dog. Like a dog, she takes all the verbal and physical abuse the writers throw at her. Forte tells them to search the forest-suddenly given the name "The Black Forest" and then commands Fife to "make sure they don't come back." He holds the solo over Fife's head and Fife inexplicably goes off to do what he is told. In the hands of clever writers, Fife could have refused and risen above his status as an easily duped twit,prat,git,or whatever you prefer. If only.

Next,we see Anti-Beast,who does the embarrassing-to-watch yelling for anti-Cogsworth I previously mentioned. I think it might be a misguided homage to Gene Hackman's yelling for Miss Tessmacher in SUPERMAN. He tells anti-Cogsworth to find anti-Belle so she can hear the song. Anti-Cogsworth and Anti-Lumiere go outside to look; those damn developers haven't returned anything,including that perfectly good forest RIGHT OUTSIDE THE FRONT GATE. They notice the tracks heading for "The Black Forest" and then Lumiere calls Cogsworth "You lazy old clock," which is a lame insult for Lumiere,who's a witty,intelligent guy.

Back to Beast. Mrs. Potts tries to distract him while Forte bangs through "Deck The Halls." Anti-Beast conveniently orders anti-Mrs. Potts out of the room and uses the magic mirror to find Anti-Belle. Forte tells him that she has abandoned him and then the song "Don't Fall In Love" begins. I have reserved a special place of pure hatred in my heart for this song. First,the scene is set up to make Beast look like a total idiot. It is as if he is being hypnotized,manipulated like a puppet,as if he has no mind of his own. I refuse to believe he would have reacted the way he does here. Second,it's absolutely obvious that this song cannot work because we have all seen BEAUTY AND THE BEAST and we know that he does fall in love with Belle. Therefore,this song is completely unneccessary.

When we get back to Anti-Belle and Anti-Chip,they're in the forest with Anti-Phillipe and there are anti-wolves out. These wolves have been robbed of their malevolence. For some reason,they have no pupils,just glowing yellow sockets. And speaking of forest animals,there were bats in the castle. (Since when were there ever bats in the castle in BEAUTY AND THE BEAST?) They're cruising through the forest,with Fife hanging on,unseen. (Fife is quite a little rat,isn't he?) Then,in a moment stolen from NATIONAL LAMPOON'S CHRISTMAS VACATION, Chip spots the perfect tree. Honestly,it is ensconced in the same rays of light that illuminated the tree in VACATION,which will not be the end of images ripped off from other sources,not just SLEEPER and A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS. This tree is conveniently located across a patch of ice ripe for falling through. As anti-Lumiere and anti-Cogsworth search,the anti-Cogsworth inexplicably turns into a wimp and tells anti-Lumiere to go on without him,and what happens next dropped my jaw: the anti-Lumiere uses anti-Cogsworth as a snowboard. ("I think we've finally found a use for you-clockboarding! No,snowclocking! Whatever!") I have long considered this moment beneath my contempt. I don't need to comment on it for anyone to know what's wrong. This is just the beginning of the part of the movie that made me angry beyond all rational thought.

They find the tree and Fife panics,and, as much as I'd like to say "exposes himself" I just can't. It would be wrong. He reveals himself. Then,like a good little soldier,he engineers an act of attempted murder. The anti-Belle just takes it like the dog without housetraining for which the writers have mistaken her. Even after Fife tries to kill her,squeaking to upset anti-Phillipe. Even after her beloved horse breaks the ice. Even after she jumps into the water to rescue anti-Chip and gets ensnared herself. Even after everyone's rescue efforts prove fruitless and she falls under the ice. The only way this scene should be watched is with the sound off, Metallica's brilliant "Trapped Under Ice" blasting from your stereo. Even after the Beast valiantly rescues her-and then throws her in a dungeon and,as she passes in and out of consciousness, tells her "You broke your word and for that,you will rot in this dungeon forever," she remains absolutely sugary. She really should say "Thank you for saving my life...again..." but never does. The line "She'll never see me as anything but a monster," is tweaked-among several other tweaked lines scattered around-to "I should have known that you'd never be anything but a Beast." So what it all comes down to is this: He rescued her from the lake,carried her back to the castle,dried her off(because hypothermia does kill),kept her warm as she lapsed in and out of consciousness...then threw her in the dungeon and left her there. What a bunch of BULL****. The real Beast wouldn't do that. But of course,we can't have it any other way,because Belle and Beast and everyone else would be happy and we can't have THAT,can we? Four people came up with this drek. Where was Linda Woolverton when we needed her? (Far away, probably-she's an intelligent, articulate woman and she was probably as far away as you can get from this,as were the directors of the original film.) I was so insulted,I considered turning the tape off. I didn't. I would win. I would beat the people who made this monstrosity and absorb the full horror so no one else would have to sit through these terrible,slanderous lies being perpetuated about the characters from BEAUTY AND THE BEAST.

"What have I done?" Fife wonders. "It's all my fault." And it IS. He has just tried to murder Belle for the most juvenile of hastily concieved plot devices-after all,he just HAS to have that soooolooo. Lumiere completely ruins the moment by saying "We all share the same blame,mon ami,for daring to hope for Christmas," instead of beating the living daylights out of Fife. Which would have been entertaining,at least. It would have made the video worthwile if that line were replaced by the real Lumiere,Mrs. Potts and Cogsworth twisting Fife into a pretzel. Violence against a sentient musical instrument is far less gruesome than violence against a human being, especially when the sentient musical instrument has the mental agility of hamster emesis.

Midnight and Christmas come,and of course,everybody is depressed, particularly the Anti-Beast,of course,because the writers have turned him into a complete *beep* and even a moment of logic or happiness or levity would completely ruin the overbearing mood of wrist-slitting depression.

We join the anti-Belle in the dungeon. The animators have done an absolutely despicable thing to her beautiful eyes-as if she were really Belle!-to make her look tired,like the beaten dog that keeps being referenced. The anti-servants come to comfort her,and of course, she apologizes to them for failing,as if she hasn't been humiliated enough. Now she has this urge for self-flagellation. They reprise "As Long As There's Christmas," which shows no improvement. It's beautifully performed,but it's esentially empty considering everything that has come before it. We then go back to Forte's room,where Forte tells Anti-Beast to destroy the enchanted rose. In a pointless moment of misguidedness,Beast lifts the bell jar off of the rose, as if we're supposed to believe that the rose is in danger when BEAUTY AND THE BEAST has,again,already been seen by anyone bothering to watch this. We know the rose will survive and therefore there is no suspense. He notices anti-Belle's present on the table. "Belle," he says-a rare moment of clarity in the script. Forte derides it and anti-Beast basically tells him to shut up,that it is a gift from anti-Belle,and that he wants to read. I'm really sorry to have to say this,but how can he read anti-Belle's story? According to the original film,he learned to read a little,but not well. He has not given Belle the library thus far,and therefore,she has not begun to read to him yet. In fact,that's another reason to hate this video-no library. Anti-Beast's present looks like a book,but to us,the story is barely a page long ("Christmas that year was spent exchanging humble gifts but the greatest gift that anyone recieved was the gift of hope.")and it reaches him enough to imitate Homer Simpson. ("Mmmmm..." or "Hmmmm...hope.")Anti-Beast leaves despite Forte's protests and goes back to the dungeon,but not before another completely pointless song called "A Cut Above The Rest." No one needs to hear how Lumiere and Cogsworth respect each other,even in their most tense moments. They are obviously old friends and have been through a lot together,and their admiration is more powerful unspoken. The Anti-Beast enters. He looks regretful,one of the few times in the script he is allowed to express something other than rage. "Belle,can you forgive me?" "Of course. Merry Christmas." Anti-Belle says.

Forte goes berserk in a jealous rage and begins to play so loudly that he begins to wreck the castle. I really objected to seeing the castle torn apart like that. It's not something you need to see after the wondrous ballroom scene,or the incredible artwork inside the castle. Tearing it apart serves no purpose whatsoever other than to make Forte seem like anything other than a complete wimp,which is kind of impossible,since he is little more than a Freudian metaphor. They just HAD to put Belle in physical danger to keep their target audience awake. It pales next to BEAUTY AND THE BEAST's moments of emotional torment. The scene progresses-or should I say devolutes?-to where anti-Belle and anti-Beast get separated,just so they can yell each other's names,as if that automatically creates some kind of emotional tension. Forte tells Fife "They can't fall in love if they're dead!" which inspired an exasperated sigh from me. Forte is a huge cliche by now,a mere footnote in a long line of cartoon villains whose mantra "You haven't seen the last of me," is overly familiar to us all. Of course,he suffers from the same malady as Gaston; if he couldn't have Belle,no one would. If Forte couldn't have the anti-Prince,no one could. Fife learns that there is no solo. "My SOOOLOOO...it's blaaank!") and all Forte calls him naive and second fiddle. Anti-Beast bursts in with the best look on his face. One of the few highlights of the video is that look. He looks almost like the real Beast. He looks ready to bite the head off of a moose. He tells Forte "Enough!" and Forte knocks him to the floor with a burst of music.By this time,anti-Belle has put a sturdy plank of wood across the crack in the floor and leads everyone to safety. They come into the room and there's another attempt at suspense when they see the bell jar,about to fall off the table. "The bell jar!" anti-Lumiere exclaims. Why would he be worried about the jar? It's obviously not part of the curse. It is the rose that they need to worry about. And the rose is floating,so if the bell jar shattered,why would the rose even be in danger? It's the petals they need to watch. In Forte's room,he has begun sending out these green energy pulses,and I swear there is a shot stolen from an episode of VOLTRON-anti-Beast fights his way through the pulses towards Forte. ("Is this happy enough for you,Master? I know I'm downright giddy!")

Then Fife alerts anti-Beast to Forte's keyboard; Beast smashes it. Witnessing this, I felt terrible because this is supposed to be a good thing and instead it feels like watching an act of violence against a gay man. I was angry with myself,but more angry at the people who made the video for trying to manipulate the audience in such a callous way. In that moment,anti-Beast ceases to be merely anti-Beast and turns into a different kind of everyman, if everyman were a homophobic gay-basher. It was incredibly uncomfortable to watch. In fact,it was painful to watch because I was glad Forte was dead,but sickened because my emotions had been manipulated by people who seemed to have no idea what they were doing. Forte pulls his bolts out of the wall and crashes to the floor,dead. Sheets of music rain down,and Belle joins Beast. "Forte," he intones. I would love an explanation,as this was intended as an "inter-quel",as to where they put the body. What do you do with a huge dead organ?

The scene shifts to the oh-so-wonderful Christmas shared by everyone in the castle after they killed the nonconformist gay guy. When anti-Belle and anti-Beast enter they are wearing the clothes they wore in the ballroom scene. I object to that. I absolutely,vehemently reject that they wore those clothes before the Ballroom Scene. Just thinking about it raises my blood pressure and turns my keystrokes into the violent stabbing of the alphabet. The end of this abomination is completely unsatisfying. The anti-Mrs. Potts-or at least the union-scale version of her-finishes the story and then anti- Belle and the anti-Prince enter into the ballroom,wishing everyone a merry Christmas. Where they were is never explained,but they come in together,so my assumption that,were they the real Belle and Prince,they were having their own private holiday celebration is not out of the question. They have no children,which is beyond idiocy. It is perfectly obvious at the end of BEAUTY AND THE BEAST that their relationship is both emotionally and physically intense. It's the way they move together; it's in their eyes as they hold each other. They are attracted to each other and acknowledging the sexual side of that attraction should not be a problem. I also have a serious problem with the way the characters interact in this scene; Just watching this is a sure sign that these characters are not who they are. The anti-Belle never says a word to anti-Cogsworth,anti-Lumiere,or anti-Mrs. Potts. Anti-Cogsworth says "Merry Christmas to you,sir," when the Anti-Prince wishes everyone a merry Christmas. Anti-Cogsworth doesn't even seem to see Anti-Belle. He never acknowledges her,and neither does anyone else. They give anti-Chip a storybook. "(I believe we have a little something for you,Chip."?) ("Oh look,Mama,a storybook. Will you read it to me?" "I'd love to,son." "Oh BOY!") It's a bearable moment if you assume the book is Edward Gorey's THE GASHLYCRUMB TINIES. ("K is for Kate who was struck with an ax...")

Then the anti-Prince asks Fife to strike up the band. He actually calls him "Maestro." The moment is absolutely nauseating. -"Will you do me the honor,old friend?" This is wrong on so many levels. Fife should not be alive. He tried to kill Belle-the Anti-Belle-for a solo. Not being too bright, he whined and whined until it was apparent he wouldn't get what he wanted and turned on Forte. The audience is supposed to love him, but he leaves us cold. He's supposed to be one of the good guys,but he is a sniveling,whiny gullible little creep,a cretinous manchild who developed a conscience and turned on his accomplice when it was convenient for him to do so. Some friend. He and Forte only exist because there's this strange notion that there *has* to be a villain in *all* animated films. I would have been happy if THE ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS consisted of Belle and the Prince going on a romantic sleighride through the snowy countryside and having a picnic with no villains in sight. It would have been more interesting than the slanderous blasphemies of The Enchanted Christmas.

Then, after all that was wrong,the people who made TEC did something right; the last thirty seconds of the movie. Belle and the Prince,on the balcony. I found it ironic that there is a shot of a door opening. The anti-Prince escorts the anti-Belle onto the balcony. There is this strange visual of a single door opening. First of all,the ballroom has TWO doors leading to the balcony,not just one. Any other way is inaccurate and uncanonical. As soon as we clear this door,we are shown a glimpse of reality,as well as an aching look at a better movie: Belle and the Prince on the balcony,holding each other close,eyes locked.(But they. Don't. KISS! I was waiting for them to share a passionate kiss! I JUST SUFFERED THROUGH AN HOUR OF HACK WRITING AND I DEMAND THAT THEY KISS!) The Prince gestures WAIT. He pulls a slim package from his jacket,and Belle is surprised. He awaits in eager anticipation as Belle opens the package. There is a rose inside. She smiles,looks up to see him smiling back. They turn,in each others' arms,to look at the night sky,filled with stars.

It is truly refreshing to know that I am not the only one who has a problem with this excrable video. According to a review on the Internet: "It's very hard to swallow that the that this entire new story took place within the first film. There was not enough time in the first film for this 'lost chapter' to have taken place. Continuity errors arise when Beast imprisons Belle for trying to escape (she was going to cut down a Christmas tree) after giving her word she wouldn't leave. Problem is that Belle already fled once before in the original,when the Beast rescued her from wolves. And after that incident, the Beast and Belle began to get closer almost immediately. Even worse,it turns out (unless Belle and Beast wore the same outfits twice) that the ballroom sequence in the original occurred during their Christmas celebration. C'mon,it was obvious that it was not Christmas during the original. It was winter,yeah,but Christmas was the last thing on anybody's mind during the incidents that occurred in the original. Oh,and also,the Beast hates Christmas because it turns out that he was turned into a Beast on the holiday. (Guess the narrator forgot to mention that in the original,didn't he?)"

Exactly. Exactly. The narrator did not say anything about Christmas,and therefore this movie is nothing but a crock of horse manure. Also,ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY reviewed it when it first came out. I don't think Ty Burr was harsh enough,but you can read it here: (http://www.ew.com/ew/article/review/video/0,6115,290625~2~~,00.html) They gave it a C- and gave BATB an A+. I admit that I have directed a lot of hatred towards THE ENCHRNTED CHRISTMAS. I apologize for none of it. After it was all over, I committed the ultimate act of disrespect a library patron can perpetuate upon a film-I DIDN'T REWIND IT. I have also managed to destroy a number of copies. I realize I'm destroying someone's work,but I don't know what else to do.

BELLE'S MAGICAL WORLD: WHY TRY? Belle's Magical World came on the heels of THE ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS. It's not as inflammatory as The Enchanted Christmas. I didn't feel like I'd been raped as I did with THE ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS. But,like The Enchanted Christmas,IT EXISTS. The best thing that can be said about it is that it makes THE ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS look like CITIZEN KANE. Honestly,it's that bad. Basically,it's a video intended to shut up your kids. It's not cinematically important at all. It's completely inconsequential; the stories within are such fluff that you'll forget them,which is good,because the people who made it really butchered the characters and I believe they realized it. The new characters they tried to foist on the audience seem to realize it as well,stopping just short of screaming "I suck! KILL ME! END MY SUFFERING!" at the camera. I realized it halfway through the first story,"The Perfect Word" and threw my notepad across the room. "The Perfect Word" is about a stupidly handled misunderstanding between Belle and the Beast,and its aftermath, which is just an excuse to teach kids a lesson they should already know. As an added bit of weirdness, Lumiere uses the word "verandah." The second story,"Fifi's Folly" only works if you can believe that Babette the Feather Duster is actually named Fifi,and that she's a b**** of James Bondian proportions. Also,you are asked to believe that Lumiere is insecure around women,when the audience knows that he is intelligent and suave. The story quite simply does not work,trying to force actions on the characters that are incredibly against their natures. Get this: "Fifi" believes that Belle has stolen Lumiere away from her. In an excruciatingly embarrassing scene,she tries to come on to Cogsworth,to no avail. Then she puts everyone into a life-threatening situation. After BEAUTY AND THE BEAST,how could they think we would accept any of these awful lies?

The third story,"Broken Wing" (or "Broken Wind," as I call it) is a real slap in the face. It's certainly the most heinous of the bunch. It shamelessly plunders from "The Emperor's Nightingale" and still manages to be charmless and pretentious and frustrating to watch. The Armoire mentions that the Beast hates birds,which makes no sense whatsoever in relation with the original film. Also,they throw in a cheap shot at Beast's personal hygiene. Belle obviously never had a problem with the way he smelled in the original film.

At its best,BELLE'S MAGICAL WORLD is pathetic. The cassette is best used as a doorstop and the tape inside makes great party streamers. What possible occasion would be appropriate? I'd say watching BEAUTY AND THE BEAST with people who've never seen it before would be perfect.

SING ME A (CONFUSING) STORY I admit,I was optimistic about SING ME A STORY WITH BELLE. It was an interesting idea that collapsed rather quickly. It was kind of like Barney And Friends with no dinosaurs. Belle is in charge of a bookshop,and her only regulars are a group of modern kids. It was very disconcerting; of course, the tale is timeless,but then there was an episode where Belle gave some guy advice about his car. Then there were the puppets. There were two worms whose names escape me,a cat named Harmony and a big book imaginatively named Big Book. They were adorable to look at; in fact,I have nothing bad to say about the puppetry or Muppetry except that I didn't know Harmony was a girl cat until they mentioned it. Then,of course,there were the people who came into the shop. There was a mail lady,who bore no resemblance to the mail lady on PEE-WEE'S PLAYHOUSE. This mail lady looked unhinged,trapped in the glaring headlights of a vehicle only she could see. There was some cook named Brioche who was apparently an old friend of Belle's. Unfortunately,Gaston showed up,too. So did Maurice,in a strange episode where Belle and the kids tried to help him invent something,which turns out to be musical bread. Some interesting dialogue ensued ("You've invented LOUSY BREAD!") and one line of dialogue literally dropped my jaw. Maurice says "You're still the best creation I ever made," to Belle. It was the best moment ever on the show. I watched a number of episodes until I realized that it was one huge commercial. I guess some episodes are out on video now. They don't warrant burning,but the anachronistic use of Americanisms may confuse the average viewer.

THE HOUSE OF MOUSE I used to love getting up in the morning to watch Saturday morning cartoons. I remember ALFTALES. I remember game shows,including I'M TELLING! and a show called PHANTOM 2040, where the characters all had incredibly long legs. I remember REBOOT. I remember SPIDER-MAN AND HIS AMAZING FRIENDS,HULK HOGAN'S ROCK AND WRESTLING,THE BISKITTS,THE WUZZLES,MUPPET BABIES and THE SMURFS. There are no good Saturday morning cartoons anymore. I have never cared enough about to watch THE HOUSE OF MOUSE,so I cannot criticize it. I know they use the Beast in certain episodes,though,and there was a movie-direct-to-video,of course, called SNOWED IN AT THE HOUSE OF MOUSE and another one called DISNEY'S HOUSE OF VILLAINS. I don't understand the aesthetic merit of these projects. Maybe there isn't any to be found.

THE STAGE MUSICAL I saw the musical at the State Theatre a few years ago. It came back recently,for about a week. Unfortunately,I was ill (and dead broke) and could not attend. I remember the night I went to see it; there were hardly any kids there. Most of the audience was comprised of adults. It was like people of all races and persuasions had been brought together to witness something wonderful that we all understood. I have seen women wearing BEAUTY AND THE BEAST jackets around town on more than one occasion,and I often wonder if they were there on that night.

I do take exception at the exclusion of Phillipe. Yes,it would have been hard to get a horse onstage,but not impossible. This is the very reason I refuse to see the stage version of THE LION KING. That's not Mufasa,that's an actor pretending to be Mufasa. Phillipe is nowhere to be found. Instead,a rather obvious plot device in the form of a scarf is put into action. In spite of that,I loved the production. Most of the actors and actresses fulfilled their positions as real-life embodiments of the characters,particularly an actor named Fred Inkley,who played the Beast/Prince. He brought out the character's pain as well as joy in his redemption. There were moments I could picture happening in the film,like Belle reading some Arthurian literature to Beast and the lines about being different. ("In the village where I come from...the people think I'm odd. "Beast looks at her. "You?") Erin Dilly became the living embodiment of Belle onstage. It was as if she had locked herself in a room and breathed, ate, slept and thought nothing but Belle. Best of all,I knew the guy playing Monsieur D'Arque.

THE LILO AND STITCH TRAILERS: CANONICAL NIGHTMARE At this writing, I have not seen LILO AND STITCH. The trailers offended me deeply. The trailers take canonical events and alter them; the Aladdin teaser tried to imply that Jasmine is a slut; she leaves Aladdin in the middle of "A Whole New World" to go ride off with Stitch. The Beauty And The Beast trailer interrupts Belle and Beast's dance in the ballroom,and this is obviously not what happened in the film. Apparently,it's meant to be a joke,but it's a genuinely mean joke. It's not funny at all. They danced in that ballroom without interruption. That is an indisputable fact known to be true by everyone who has seen the movie. The scene has already HAPPENED. Therefore the ad is meaningless. I asked "How could they?" and some people said, "Well,Shrek, y'know." Let me make this clear right now: Shrek is an emperor without clothing,swinging its big green weiner at the audience. For some reason,people liked it. The movie practically screamed "Look at us! We're SO clever! We invented attitude!" in its own smug way. There is no justification for attempting to desecrate a cinematically relevant work of art like Beauty And The Beast. Of course, the trailer is far too ridiculous to take seriously; the simple fact that it was ever allowed to happen is rather sad.

I think the worst disrespect ever leveled at BEAUTY AND THE BEAST came at the hands of one of its own; one morning,I came upon a Disney parade. I think it was a Christmas parade. Robby Benson was onscreen,and he was asking these little girls about their favorite movie. He didn't ask anyone else-just these little girls,and they all said "BEAUTY AND THE BEAST." I didn't know it was staged until the last little girl turned out to be his daughter. But then,after he talked to the girls,he came upon an employee dressed up like Beast. He clapped the Beast on the back and asked "How's the LITTLE WOMAN?" I wanted to cry.

However,something as innocuous as these things withers and dies when tested by time. In the decade since it was first released,Beauty And The Beast has proven to be an enduring film. Belle,Beast/Prince,Lumiere,Cogsworth,Mrs. Potts-these are immortal characters we see in each other,for they are as human and as real as we are. They exist. In this world,it's only on the other side of a movie screen, but somewhere they must exist.

EPILOGUE

As I write this,BEAUTY AND THE BEAST has been released on DVD. I bought it over at the Record Exchange,one of my haunts. I actually saw several commercials for the video,but not too many. That's better than not seeing any at all,as is the case of the film being rereleased on IMAX. It is about time that they released BEAUTY AND THE BEAST on DVD. There are new scenes; having watched the DVD,I can honestly say that they do not hurt the film at all. "Human Again" is a wonderful song and I'm glad they decided to animate it. Then there's the scene in the library with Beast and Belle. Onstage,they read from a book of Arthurian legends,but in the film,it's ROMEO AND JULIET,which isn't a bother at all,because it's quite apparent that they read more than one book together. THE ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS comes out in a few days and hopefully this paper will be published in time to dissuade people from actually spending money on it. They are showing BEAUTY AND THE BEAST tomorrow on ABC; I would watch it if I didn't know it would be used to springboard the oh-so-special edition of THE ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS.* I'll be watching THE SIMPSONS and FUTURAMA if I'm done preparing the music for my radio show; grindcore is still going strong in the face of soulless radio and nu-metal,judging from Napalm Death's just-released ORDER OF THE LEECH and Dropdead's YOU HAVE A VOICE.

Also,as I write this paper,Richard Harris and Jonathan Harris have died. I do not know if they were related; they were both wonderful actors; Jonathan Harris will always be Dr. Zachary Smith to me. Richard Harris was the ultimate Albus Dumbledore, my favorite character from the HARRY POTTER books. He did a great job in both movies,even though the script sucked all the fun out of the character.

I would be happy if this paper turned away just one person. Although if a whole bunch of people followed that person,I'd feel like this paper accomplished something.

I think it would be appropriate to close with a quote from The Simpsons. There's an episode-"The Itchy And Scratchy And Poochie Show"-where Homer becomes the voice of Poochie,a character added tø The Itchy And Scratchy Show. Lisa tells him that Poochie was "a soulless byproduct of commitee thinking." That is all The Enchanted Christmas is. If you're familiar with Martin Goodman,also known as Dr. Toon,he reviewed The Enchanted Christmas "nothing more than corporate fan fiction." I could not say it better myself. Actually,I think I did say it somewhere above. But Martin said it first.

THE ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS must not be allowed to survive. For the sake of cinema itself,every last copy must be destroyed. This presentation negates it and discredits it,but it EXISTS, and even that is too much. If you own a copy of any of the videos mentioned here,please burn them or find some other way to destroy them. They are comprised of lies and violations of canon and perversions of character and should not be taken seriously. Great cinema endures; great stories are forever passed down from generation to generation. BEAUTY AND THE BEAST is truly artistic cinema,as well as a genuinely emotional experience. THE ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS was made in the hope of making a quick buck,not to celebrate beauty or art. It is but a shadow of a work of art; a cancer feeding off of love. It is the fecal matter manifesto dripping off of the playroom wall of a spoiled child who expects to be congratulated for his ingenuity. If one vomits into a bucket and wraps it up in the finest wrapping paper and ties it up with a bow to give as a Christmas present,it's still just a bucket filled with vomit. For the sake of cinema itself,THE ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS must die.

Soundtrack: BEAUTY AND THE BEAST-the soundtracks of the movie and the Original Cast Recording of the Broadway production Pathologist,GRINDING OPUS OF FORENSIC MEDICAL PROBLEMS Last Days Of Humanity,THE SOUNDS OF RANCID JUICES SLOSHING AROUND YOUR COFFIN Napalm Death-ORDER OF THE LEECH Circle Of Dead Children,THE GENOCIDE MACHINE Aaron Copland's Old American Songs Acid Bath-PAEGAN TERRORISM TACTICS Dyscrasia-HUNDREDS OF GAPING WOUNDS Dropdead-YOU HAVE A VOICE Scarver's Calling-KILLED hundreds of other CDs,live bands and unconscious sources

Ed Cowell lives in Cleveland,Ohio,where he attends Cleveland State University as a Liberal Studies major. The industrial chaos and diversified cultural atmosphere of the city inspire him to write. His work has or will appear in Flight Jr., Dark Muse, Alternate Realities, The Wildclown Chronicle, Shadow Of The Marquis,Flesh And Blood,and even fanfiction.net,even though he believes in the sanctity of canon. His radio show "Watchman's Grind" can be heard on Monday afternoons from 1:00-3:00(EST) on CSU's radio station,WCSB(89.3) You can listen on the web at www.wcsb.org.

* It's 7:15 and our local station has been showing nothing but severe weather warnings. Postscript: I saw the kiss and the end of the film and nothing about THE ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS. Next morning,I picked up THE PLAIN DEALER and learned that thirty-six people had been killed.