After 32 years the World's Worst English Accent award goes to...

Patricia Arquette.

The WWEA belt that has been held since 1964 by Dick Van Dyke for his
WWEA triumph in "Mary Poppins" has had many challengers, Renee
Zelwegger could have tried harder throughout both of her attempts with
Bridget Jones, Gwyneth didn't even come back for seconds after Sliding
Doors. Don Cheadle did come close in both Ocean's Eleven & Twelve and
D.V.D.'s WWEA title looked very much in danger with Robert DeNiro in
Frankenstein (he lost to a little known WWEA clause that forbids the
use of lip stitching or any type of facial prosthetic), and there has
been a surprise late entry recently by Ewan Macgregor in Star Wars
episodes I & II, surprising as he is one of very few British
contenders.

This recent award shock to Patricia is made even more amazing by the
fact that this feat has slept unnoticed for over 8 years, simply
because no one actually went to see it!

So the official World's Worst English Accent rankings as per this
update on 24th April 2004 (thank you to ITV for showing this production
of The Secret Agent for the whole of England to see on the 23rd):

1. Patricia Arquette - Secret Agent - Not only unrecognisable accent,
but completely incomprehensible as the English language, entire swathes
of dialogue defy comprehension and there is a flitting of her eyes to
suggest a "I'm really really cocking this up" alongside the petrified
gaze of her Jobbing English co - stars who all look like they've just
seen a ghost. The WWEA award was finally stolen because the accent is
compounded by the fact that she had a second pass. Her entire dialogue
is post sync'd and still unfeasibly awful.

2. Dick Van Dyke - Mary Poppins - Although he's slipped from the top
slot, this performance remains a classic, famous for duping an entire
generation of American's into thinking that Londoners actually speak
like that.

3. Robert De Niro - Frankenstein - Freakishly bad, but points deducted
for prosthetics and a demonic slant that tilted the entire performance
away from believability.

4. Don Cheadle - Oceans Eleven & (possibly) Twelve, Don wins 4th place
by managing to screw up a perfectly good movie with this preposterous
accent, his title bid for Oceans Twelve went unnoticed due to the film
itself this time being distractingly bad.

5. Keanu Reeves - Dracula - One of the few occasions that a performance
was openly mocked at a UK premiere. People in the auditorium could be
seen to be pointing and laughing out loud.

6. Ewan MacGregor - Star Wars Episode I & II (Ep III TBC) -
Surprisingly high entry (The Special "Mike Myers" contributions for
taking this piss out of British accents award) for this actor simply
because he's a Brit' and should know better.

7. Renee Zelwegger - Bridget Jones 1 & 2 (please, please, please don't
do a third), a high placement is awarded due to marks for invention, in
that she has invented a means of speaking the English language that has
never before been investigated.

8. Cary Grant - Entire Career - Highest ranked Englishman in the WWEA
rankings. Cary was born in Avon and had a broad West Country accent,
synonymous for the British with stupid people, and not film stars. He
coloured his "farmer Giles" tones with a more "classy" creation that
bore no relation to any accent in the Isles.

9. Sid James - Entire Career - This man is not a cockney, and cockneys
never spoke like this. Sid was a South African boxer, and could never
quite drop his Afrikaans drawl. A generation of RADA students used his
accent as a cockney benchmark, and East enders were represented with
this Springbok colouration thereafter.

10. Gwyneth Paltrow - Sliding Doors. She had many contenders, there are
a few Meryl Streep performances of note, and the Kirk Douglas turned in
a couple of howlers. But the final spot goes to Gwyneth. Gywneth steals
the 10th spot for looking smug and pleased with herself throughout this
performance. Well.... the WWEA didn't buy it.

As a reminder the WWEA applies just to English accents. For the Irish
efforts of Tom Cruise in "Far & Away" and Brad Pitt both in The Devils
Own and Snatch, and Scottish efforts of Mike Myers in both Shrek 1 & 2
see the BOSIA (Bag O' Sh*Te Irish Accents) and AMWRYTA (Ach Man What R
Ye Talking About) awards respectively.