The Neverending Insult
Being a HUGE fan of the first one, and actually quite enjoying the second one, I was quite enthusiastic to see the 3rd one, so when I saw the box-set for sale recently I grabbed and dashed off home for a marathon Neverending Story Fest!
I watched the first two again and although I was surprised that my recollection of the special effects was a LOT more forgiving that I thought, but that aside, two great movies. The first being an all-time classic. I decided to put the 3rd one on hold for my undivided attention the following night. Enthusiastically I fired up the DVD player keen to see the final part of the "trilogy" that I'd never seen before, and boy was that enthusiasm crushed quickly.
Let me just say that until recently, Jesus Christ Vampire Slayer held the number one position, un-shifted for years as the worst movie I have ever seen. The Neverending Story 3 surpassed it a thousand-fold! Why? The reasons are almost too vast to list and have almost all been addressed here already. At least Jesus Christ Vampire Slayer was ORIGINAL, I'll give it that much. Something you can NOT say for this movie. Aside from the characters names to convince us of some continuity this movie really has nothing to do with the Neverending Story at all. It's a pure spike of insult driven into the heart of the two great movies before it.
The only real mystery to me is how the HELL anyone in their right mind EVER gave the green light to production of this movie? Even if you've never seen the first two or read the book, this movie is just so utterly horrible and tedious it can't even stand on it's own. The only reason I stuck with it to the bitter end (despite several outbursts of "oh god, please let this end now!") was the fact that the first two are such great classics that I kinda felt I owed them that much - to torture myself through this final part. I have never been so relieved to see the end credits roll!
If we are expected to believe that this is Bastian and his dad's life after the Neverending Story part 2, then why:
- Does the book look different?
- Has the orin changed into some cheap looking piece of cast-iron?
- Falcore turned into a hideous giant maltese poodle?
- The timeline of Bastians mother's death been totally ignored and invalidated.
- All the non-human characters turned into muppets? (Probably because Jim Henson's Creature Shop had a hand in it... god help us! That should have been a warning sign right there, but I kept watching all the same.)
- The Empress - Nothing childlike about her at all. She reminded me of Xayide from The Neverending Story 2 actually.
- Acting by everyone (with the possible exception of Bastian at times) is horrendous. WHen his "sister" started singing, I started to think maybe the mislabeled the DVD and I was watchig something else.
- The Rock Biter singing "Born to be wild" was just much... I really was wishing the nothing had gotten him in the first story death seems a better option than to embarrass himself like that. AS for "mrs rock biter" - Oh my god... where to begin!?
- The plot does not even reach "infantile" status.
Nevermind the glaringly obvious solutions to the story's plot which make you wonder why on earth they're all running around like maniacs trying to solve a problem that could be remedied in 2 seconds. But I guess that wouln't make for much of a story, or more accurately, that wouldn't allow enough time to insult my intelligence even further by pissing all over the fond memories I had for these movies. This movie was so bad that despite my best efforts to "suspend disbelief", it was just way WAY too ridiculous and simply impossible.
The only time the grimace of agony left my face was when that crazy "tree" (whatever his name was, I don't even care enough to look it up) was making wise-cracks and cheesy one-liners. Like that scene (which stood out as being so obviously contrived) where the dog is barking at him and he says "You're barking up the wrong tree." That was the movies highlight right there, so you can imagine what the rest of it was like...
If there ever was one way to get "the nothing" to destroy Fantasia, then watching this movie would be it! I NEVER ever want to go back there or see/hear from any of those characters ever again.
The only thing "Neverending" here is my gratitude - that his movie is over.
I can't possibly score this movie any lower. I'd rather kill myself than watch it again. If you havn't seen it yet - rather preserve your fond memories of this series and spare yourself the torture of watching a story, characters and plot you love(ed) be destroyed before your very eyes.
I now have a brand new "worst movie ever". So thanks for that at least...