CD's or the Movie....I have a few, heres one I cant get outta my head...
Sammy Cox: Hey did u ever *beep* scott, and feel his tits while you were *beep*ing him?
Herman: No, he's my best friend, I dont do that thing....
SC: He lets you do that....
Herman: Who's dees?(this)
etc...
Gaspacho! Muy Caliente, *BEEP* YOU!
[deleted]
You ever shine your nuts with a telephone?
From the movie:
Uncle Freddy: Back in the old day you would kiss my ring. If you didn't, a hundred men would come to beat you down.
Johnny B: It's a good thing we ain't in the old day.
Kamal: Who's Uncle Freddy is he?
Johnny B: Ahh, who gives a rat's ass.
Johnny B: Oh, God! My mudda, she woke me up today. She poured a hot pan of grease all over my chest and my ass and genitals and I fell down the stairs and my shoes fell off.
Burger Bob Customer: What does that have to do with ANYTHING?
Johnny: Because I can't see damn it, you son of a bitch
Acupuncturist: "Hello?"
Frank Rizzo: Hello.
Acupuncturist: "Hello?"
Frank Rizzo: Yeah, speak up there, a$$hole, I can barely hear you. Hello?
"You'll have to speak up; I'm wearing a towel."
Frank Rizzo: You know what I'm trying to mine? Dilithium crystals!
Japanese Mining Guy: mmhmm
Frank Rizzo: You ever mine those before?
Japanese Mining Guy: Uh no in United States.
then when he goes on talking about Scotty and my favorite is
Frank Rizzo: Yeah my ideas are pretty out there, you ever do Warp 2?
Japenese Mining Guy: mmhmm
The guy like speaks 4 words of broken english and not well either and asks Frank to send him a "telefax"
yeah that one is freakin awesome. I think my favorite part from that call was when Frank said "we'll wear some little shorts, get all sweaty in the tunnels" and the japanese dude says "uhh for the time being" to which frank replies "ok, we'll do that for the time being then when it gets a little more chilly we'll throw some heavy slacks on" haha.
here's another:
Russel: Hey when you drive your train through the tunnel do you ever get like a sensation? I heard guys who like trains really like gettin taken up the old highway there
Guy: Did you ever try that?
Russel: Yaaaa yeah know I was in the joint one time, that $h1t hurt!
then later
Russel: hey and bring some vaseline, too
Guy: What for?
Russel: Well don't you need that for the trains?
Guy: Well I just wanted to look at them, I didnt wanna....
My favorite call is Fava Beans from the 2nd album:
"I oughtta split your nuts from your head to the back of your ass."
"Look jerky, I oughtta split your nuts off the side of your face."
"You got my wife *beep* layin in a *beep* bowl-a piss over here, *beep* pukin up *beep*
From the movie:
"Will he use his shoe?"
"They beat the hair piece and shoes off me."
"He said he knew you from the old days through Mario."
"Which Mario? There's 400 Marios!"
"Demolition! You want something blown up, bashed apart, or ripped to hell with the Claw?"
"Quigley's Lawn Ornament and Demolition, you want a lawn ornament, you want something demolished, or both?"
"Listen very closely, move the van before I come downstairs and kick your two hienies."
"Ah shut your mouth you old f uck."
"Who ya calling old, Meat Lips?"
"Tree falls in the road, over the Palisaides Parkway. How many men are dispatched to get that tree off the parkway"
"Fifteen mi..."
-sound of a bell-
"TIME IS UP SIR!! YOU CANNOT TAKE THAT AND YOUR FORGETTING... YOUR FORGETTING THE ANSWERS!!"
"A;ex Trebek will punch you *beep* mouth loose"
FCT
O Qua Tangin Wan...
The Jerky Boys are awesome. I think I have every skit memorized.
Some of my favorites:
Auto Mechanic:
Frank: Yeah, you don't have anyone down there work like me.
Employee: Oh yeah?
Frank: I'll wrap your phuggin' head in with a ratchet.
Frank: So should I bring my phuggin' tools?
Car Salesman:
Paul: Why do you want to drive 60 miles to work"
Frank: Hey, thats my business! You want to sell cars through me or not? I had some trouble at my old job and I have to get the hell out of that area. I got some guy, he don't know if he wants to buy, so I push his face right into the phuggin' hood!!! I say you buy this phuggin' car or I'll break your phuggin' head!!! I had real problems over there Paul!
Angry Campers Dad:
Frank: Yeah, my son is a funny little kid, he says people are *beep* in his laundry bag. He said he is always getting his ass kicked out on the ball field. He said the other day they were licking the baseball bats and jagging him in the ass with it.
Shelley: (after short pause) I don't think thats true.
I could go on and on!
"I love to jeopardy, baby"
"I like driving the train up that tunnel"
"What kind of tunnel...metal, tin?"
"Flesh"
"BAAAAAMMMMM!"
"My tomatoes are so small, you may need a pns pump to see them"
"There's about 900 varieties of turnstiles"
Farts "oh my god!"
"The gattling gun goes "badabadabadubida"
Sex Therapy:
Jack TorS: Well, if I come in, will the doctor....like, will he, you know, touch me in various areas?
Receptionist: He touches you. You'll be meeting with the doctor for a consultation.
JT: And is he a nice doctor? A nice man?
R: No, he's a terrible master. [Chuckles] Obviously....
JT: Yeah, because....No, I've had some dealings with some....I went to a doctor one time, he shot a pumpkin ball right in my, like in my ass and it really hurt me, and I, I really don't want this guy doin' *beep* like that.
[R hangs up, Boys giggle]
Another one tomorrow.
The Falcon flies
Guy: Hello?
Johnny B: Yeah, let me speak to Brett Weir.
Guy: Who's this?
Johnny B: Look, jerky, I don't need to talk to you.
Guy: You don't need to talk to me?
Johnny B: GET BRETT WEIR, I SAID.
=======================================
Kamal: He hit me in the eye! The poison eye! I played the tune. Dooo-dulu-lu-lu-lu...
=======================================
Guy: Hello?
Johnny B: Do you sell tennis ball machines?
Guy: Uh, no.
Johnny B: Oh... Okay, look, here's what happened. We loaded up a tennis ball machine with potatoes in vaseline and were shooting ourselves with it. And, my - well, y'know, Peter - he looked at the barrel and it blasted him right in the *beep* eye.
I'm known very well for pulling large pieces of furniture from my ass.
I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man with no sole. ~ Ancient Disco Proverb